Desensitizer

by Kaero Davis

  I’ll blow my stack – bust a nut,

  Thrash ’em hard – they won’t get back up

  Fuckin’ cunts are outta line,

  Suckin’ my good air – wastin’ my time,

  And I tell you what cunts my fists are gonna fly,

  Never was there fury quite ever like mine,

  Fuckin’ cunts in my face,

  Fuckin’ cunts on my case,

  Cunts fuckin’ everywhere but,

  In their fuckin’ place,

  Cunts fuckin here and,

  Cunts fuckin there,

  Absolute cunts fuckin every-fuckin’-where!

  Exit Scenario

  “I never intended those ‘Cunts’ were to be directed as my family, fuck no – I just used family for a general, wider, broader explanation to the point I wanted to make. I’ve got family I never talk to, and it’s by choice, but if I don’t put the grudge behind me and make a fresh new effort then I don’t know how else I’m going to rub it in their face when shit starts to happen. I’ll have become far more than they ever thought I was capable of and I’ll never get to see I’ve pissed them off as much as they had made me. Certain family members really would gang up and ambush me so I figured if it were good enough for them – it’s good enough for the rest of us. They can have a taste of their own medicine for once – I don’t reckon they’ve ever paid enough. And people like that definitely don’t deserve any more than they give, HA! They take more than they generally give. Cost more than they’re worth…”

  Enter Scenario

  At the time Trepp wrote this, he had a melodic rhythm coursing through his mind and wanted to synchronise the pattern of the rhythm with a flow of the words he’d chosen to construct with. Trepp really observed the images that would enter his mind in the rhythm of the song, and words would form together in his mind that would seem to trail along behind each image.

  Trepp decided to associate himself with these bizarre words, and things would just roll right out, he wrote as steadily as the flow torrented through him. He was entranced by the rhythm so much so that he could peel right back his coarse and roughened façade and dissect the many layers his multifaceted personality had to offer,

  He was staring deep into his soul. He was looking deep inside himself and began drawing out the inner substance by which he was still yet to stand his solid ground by. Trepp was digging at things he would find himself accountable for questioning, things that lie hidden, beneath the façade.

  He managed to successfully formulate the flow of each word to a syllabus that was as synchronized to the pattern of the rhythm he could hear. He felt it really did it justice, it hit the points he wanted to mention right. Things that swam beneath his conscious mind and never really surfaced for people to see previously so easily. Seen mainly within the relationships he’d had with the people he’s known and had the pleasure to feel comfortable enough to really open up to.

  It’s a kind of confession, no, not a confession, but rather a brief glimpse inside the not-normally-seen sides to him, for lack of a better word, his objective was to explain of the many heart-felt and meaningful views he’d share. It doesn’t matter that many might see him differently; this was his testament to how truly differently he felt, as the he inside that he is as compared to sides of him others have only seen that might contradict what he really desires or contradicts him in other ways and soon have him feeling repulsed by.

  This is Trepp revealing himself bare, this is Trepp – digging beneath the façade.

  Beneath the Façade..

  There’s things about me,

  I cannot change,

  Though I try,

  Disturbances, perturbances,

  Divergences, turbulence,

  I want to believe,

  I’m not estranged,

  Nullified,

  Disconnected, disrespected,

  Unaccepted, misconcepted,

  I don’t want to grieve,

  Nor even rage,

  All my life,

  Vulnerable, miserable,

  Intolerable, abysmal,

  I don’t want to lead,

  Other’s astray,

  Into strife,

  Exhausted, maraudered,

  Rorted, deported,

  I wish I could see,

  A brand new day,

  On the rise,

  Exceed, succeed,

  Relieved, reprieved,

  I don’t want to bleed,

  Or be betrayed,

  Hurt by lies,

  Agonized, antagonized,

  Cauterized, paralysed,

  I know I don’t need,

  Perilous play,

  Multiplied,

  Sabotage, camouflaged,

  Abertoir entourage,

  I don’t want to reap,

  Nor take away,

  But provide,

  Pacify, satisfy,

  Gratify, amplify…

  Exit Scenario

  “…I hoped that I could have opened the eyes of some who have barely gotten to know me and shown them what I really am about. Given them a little more insight to the reasons I may feel the way I do – or don’t – or wish no longer to be anymore.

  Some of you may decide on different things and have unchangeable views on me, but you’re more than welcome to your opinions – they just won’t change my honesty in the slightest. I can only do the best I can at being the me I want to be – and no one would know how to be a better me than I, and slowly, I’m working it out.

  I’ve learnt a lot in such a short time and grown dramatically. Some of you will read this that have already known me in the past would beg to differ – but I’m no longer the same guy that I was then, not the same you remember.

  And it has been far too long that an arrogance and ignorance was taken on too far and too much for me to handle, that I’ve since washed my hands of some of you for good. You will never have the chance to feel proud of what I’ll have finally become, having no part in my growth but for my setbacks.

  As inconvenient as you were I could just say thanks for nothing – thanks for the setting me back more time to grow and mature and correct all the nasty influences you’d given me, all the hate and misery I had inherited off of you and all that I have felt for myself against you.

  I suppose the real ‘fuck you’ I can have the power over, is the talent and intellect I can flaunt in the countless tales I could write throughout my life. Yeah that’s it, thanks for the inspiring my critical writing based on the hell you put me through…

  Thanks for the ammunition in making certain you’ll remain as miserable as you’ve always made me…I’ll never let you live it down…” – Trepp.

  Enter Scenario

  “Now, this one is quite a difficult one to explain. Mind you, it shouldn’t be because I’ve been traumatized frequently enough that I should be used to it. But still, it is really, really often difficult for anyone to ever really reach this point. It requires intense pressures only REAL bullies can apply – and even then, it has to happen all too often for it to be as effective.

  I’m talking of course of the threshold of the fight or flight response. Everyone’s got one. It’s whether it has been reached appropriately enough that you can severely break, be brainwashed and tormented. And for a long time, I considered myself successful at evading this, because I would fight.

  I wouldn’t let anyone have it over me and would often jump at every opportunity anyone ever took to suppress me. I would react, and react badly, intensely so that, I had hoped I could deter anyone from rousing me further.

  But this never did me any good. The more defiant I was and the harder I fought back – the more the pressure was applied to put me back into my place. I felt I really had to struggle for my survival and I was copping it from all angles, being bu
llied at school AND at home. It was real fuckin’ bullshit.

  I feared I would never escape but thankfully, I had friends I could visit at their place; who would let me really release all my pent-up anger and misery. And I would visit them during school hours and any other time I could slip away. My mates all hated my step-parents as much as I did and would often tell me to just move out on my own.

  And they would tell me that I didn’t have to put up with their shit anymore. We would smoke cones and binge off alcohol having a blast through school hours until, the folks fuckin’ found out, then I was really in for it. The only peace and serenity I ever received was when I could fully be myself around my mates, and they respected me for just being myself. Loved me for it actually.

  And I would receive far more respect from my friends than my family ever fuckin’ gave me, (Sorry Mum – not you, you’re an angel) and they would hear me through my troubles, but I needed more however, since I had developed schizophrenia.

  And I got it, I started receiving more support from counsellors and psychiatrists and psychologists. I’m medicated and have a balance and I’m progressing. Slowly, but I’m getting better.” – Theine.

  Breakdown Bloody Breakdown

  Hey there mister nervous wreck,

  Yes, we see you standing there,

  Nothing passing through your mind,

  Freeze point rage blind,

  Adrenalin rattles through your veins,

  Then click, snap, goes the brain,

  Hyper speed thrown iron fists,

  And foes no longer exist,

  You’re on edge, mister nervous wreck,

  Better do a sanity check,

  Who’s is that blood soaked into your clothes?

  Better hope no one knows,

  Breaking point shattered beyond its peak,

  Inferiors fall to an endless sleep,

  But such perplexity for a little repose,

  Plus a propensity for lingering ghosts,

  You’ve a sinister glare, mister nervous wreck,

  Who would dare to disrespect,

  No one roams where you’ve been,

  No one knows what you’ve seen,

  The encumbrance undertaken to conceal the enigma,

  Eloquence forsaken to yield in the stigma,

  Vulgar reluctance to serve in the purpose,

  And never even barely scratch at the surface,

  Exit Scenario

  “That freeze point dead centre of the forked paths between fight and flight. How much backbone would I have shown if I had just fucked off elsewhere every time the going got tough?

  I had done just that on a rare few occasions, but you don’t outrun your dramas forever. They catch up. It never did me any good, not when it wasn’t ever resolved, there was never any closure until I were to face them.

  And I’ve been beaten. Beaten for standing for something no one could accept of me. They were far too set in their ways to think it could have been different for me, any better. Maybe it shouldn’t have been just me to have smoked marijuana but them as well.

  They seemed as wound tight as I was – and on thinking on it more now – pot might’ve really loosened them all the fuck up a great deal more. Then nothing would’ve ever seemed too big a deal.

  Pot doesn’t affect me the way it used to, for one – I am able to rationalize better and really have a good think on things coolly enough that I don’t just jump the gun. I can chill out and recollect on things passed a lot better than I used to.

  It’s a temporary relief for mood stabilizing should I feel erratic or anxious or incomprehensibly shaken by unfortunate events. And for another thing – I don’t associate with the negative influences that I had around me back in the day, the people who called themselves my family.

  I don’t have their dysfunctional insanities driving me bonkers anymore. And I am far more relaxed these days that it has become further-more difficult to be pushed to fight or flight. Those breakdowns, bloody breakdowns.” – Theine.

  Enter Scenario

  “We live in an era where intellectual material can get away with heralding intense and extreme behavior, characteristics that influence the actions, thoughts, perceptions, feelings of all who indulge – but the intellectual material must most certainly be labeled to a category that requires various levels of maturity through the audience. It’s got to have a disclaimer of sorts to say it’s a work of fiction or not and whether it’s safe or not to reenact scenes of the depiction. It strikes me a bit silly that there are some people out there that take shit seriously at times and this can be dangerous to them and everyone else around them when they do. We’ve got to have classification to segregate the appropriate material to its’ corresponding patrons. Yes, we’ve got to have warnings and ratings because there are many people out there – all of various ages without common sense. Unfortunately, it’s because of those deadbeats that owners of intellectual material can and might often face lawsuits. Gone are the days where one could be entertained and not need to be told it’s for entertainment purposes only. Nope – there are still idiots out there that try their luck and fail. They have an ideal of reenacting things and not accepting responsibility nor the consequences that follow thereafter. We live in an era where we’re smart enough to know better but not too smart enough to explain to others why the depths vary. They want to say ‘no’ without a ‘why’, and when this happens – we seldom realize if we’d elaborated better if at all, had the patience to explain further, that irresponsible person will be the wiser, and you would have the peace of mind knowing you’d helped another avoid potential disaster. I wrote censor under the annoyance at still how far behind we really still are.” – Ukod.

  Censor

  Everybody’s got a threshold, limits they inhibit,

  An arbitrary morale that implicitly prohibits,

  It’s shameful, intolerable the behavior on exhibit,

  But everyone’s explicit, committed to dispirit,

  You’re entitled to opinion, but you best remember,

  Your opinion ain’t superior, more mere suggestion,

  I Just feel inferior when you go to censor,

  I want to open minds not make ’em any denser,

  I could tell you what I think but I speak for me alone,

  Sometimes I forget some minds don’t think on their own,

  At those times I just want to bang my head and moan,

  We’re living dead ideals and standards should’ve been outgrown,

  But, But, But,

  Everybody’s got a threshold, limits they inhibit,

  An arbitrary morale that implicitly prohibit,

  It’s shameful, intolerable the behavior on exhibit,

  But everyone’s explicit, committed to dispirit,

  But I suppose so long as there will be sheep,

  There’d better be a shepherd ready to lead,

  Heads in the sand, Awake but in sleep,

  Corrupted fuckers speak of all but what they mean,

  Exit Scenario

  “But who am I to say we’re not raising a society proper, I’m 50 different fucking shades of fucked up myself – I’m not perfect. No one is really, but times are tightening up as they are, people will soften and become far more sensitive within the cocoon they shield themselves with. Some people need to harden up – and I don’t exclude myself either in saying. Eat some cement, whatever, trouble is we’re all as antisocial as we aren’t, and it’s a big problem when you find yourself in a position or situation that calls for a little understanding. Sometimes it seems that people are getting lazier, and some of us really are – impatient to not explain things of more importance better to the younger – or older generations. Some of us weren’t fortunate enough to access proper learning and we forget there are hundreds, thousands of us that haven’t. Wouldn’t it be more h
umane to help someone you see struggling? Some do, some help the less fortunate, takes patience, time, and kind compassion. It all shows a worthy character, it’s worth it – especially when everybody’s watching. And people notice.” – Ukod.

  Enter Scenario

  “A society within a society. Arguably – considerably the best shot there is maintaining order in high social status personalities. A society secretive in assuring and making certain good judgement and fine decisions are executed appropriately and no room is left open for corruption. And upon finding corruption and degradation, are co-conspiritedly eradicated by means in turn secretive to other governing parties and interests ‘to blame’ and ‘at fault’. Such corruption in governing parties extends out towards the ceasing of any or all secret society – when, have hold over them. A society governing government. Praised very little for it – and thought to be as corrupt as the corporation they govern. Pardon me, as corrupt as the government they govern themselves. May there be sanctity in the conspiracy. Solitude in the silence. Conspiritus Sancti.” – Vellecklayne.

  Conspiritus Sancti

  Take this word to the grave,

  And may you be saved,

  Woe betide lest ye betray

  And thee might rue the day…

  Hold tight the tongue,

  Let all lies be spun,

  Speak truth to none,

  Conspiritus Sancti,

  Protect the covenant by any means,

  Subject to torment, and despairing screams,

  Thus, keep clear of the eye of the storm,