Desensitizer

by Kaero Davis

I’ve left them behind before to get on top of shit,

  Would always came back a mess, depressed, regressed,

  They’d have to set me straight to much of their detest,

  I would have disobeyed their wishes,

  And have betrayed all their trust,

  Chasing all my dreams in the name of lust,

  Dubbed a disgrace upon the family name,

  Brought upon despise and caused them shame,

  Been hospitalized to stop my hell-a-coming-fast,

  I’ve been a broken man with nothing left to lose,

  I’ve been unstable, incapable, incomprehensible,

  Been pushed to the edge with nothing left to choose,

  Somewhere along the line,

  I lost what I was fighting for,

  These days it seems,

  I’m just a rebel without a cause,

  Exit Scenario

  “Despicable people, undeserving of any credit to whatever entity or enigma I might one day become. People that’d rather tear you apart than repair you, support you or love you. I’m a product of what they did to me and they’ll have to live with that between themselves for the rest of their miserable lives. They’d created a monster and so – in turn, clean up after whatever messes and put up with the consequences of what they did. You’d have to want to know what dangerous people there really are out there. And you should want to know to watch out for whatever person bred that into them. When there are dangerous people who might only live a stone’s throw from you – you’d be careful to use every wit you can think of to not draw their attention to yourself. And especially not provoke anymore nasty, rotten luck on yourself. Despicable people who couldn’t give two shits about what they’re breeding – belting into it – emotionally, mentally, rarely but on occasion physically. They’re ripping that poor feller to shreds. God help him if he ever snaps. I wouldn’t blame him. You’ll one day reap what you sow whether you like it or not. You’ll have to face those humiliating discrepancies one day. At some point you’ll have to learn to accept it, and admit you did wrong, someday…” – Ccessetti.

  Enter Scenario

  “Fuck I’m glad I’m getting better at keeping my mouth shut and not impulsively reacting to bullshit. I would in the past due to a thorough lack of control of my emotion and feeling. Dear old mum bred me up to be freely expressive, god rest her soul – I have no problem telling people what I think and where to go when I absolutely have to. It’s a compulsion I am gaining a steady lock-hold down on. At times I’ve regret saying and doing things and leaving an atrocious mess in my wake like I used to – but, by some miracle – I feel a heavy reward of relief on the expanding occasion I just keep me trap shut. A relief that I haven’t brought unwanted stigma on myself and ideas people might otherwise have of me. A relief I didn’t just damage my reputation. Relief that by not regressing to that compulsive, vulgar, atrocious state – my character is building on stronger than it has been before and people are seeing it. People have noticed and they can relate. It makes it difficult I have found, to engage with people when they think you’re a maniac. And I am finally figuring it out, people will only share particular things about themselves when they suspect you might be magnet for drama, people won’t warm up to share any of their secrets or desires if they feel threatened by the chance that you’ll endanger it. If they feel endangered in any way they won’t share what they value with you – they won’t want much to do with you at all if they consider you to be a lunatic, not when you’re known to have a habit of going berserk. I must admit I am slowly finding it easier and less of a deal to keep a lot more within myself – keeping within myself the monotony and chaos I usually have going on around me. Soon I’ll master it so that it wont bother me so much, this keeping shit to myself – the unnecessary shit that is potentially upsetting to another, and at time I might find I am particularly grateful I had caught myself prior to. I do value engaging with various other people…” – Mugdowie.

  Revelation

  A revelation hit me like a brick to the head,

  A dissatisfaction at the shit I’d never said,

  Shit I have wished I’d long said now,

  Shit’d leave you speechless and if not then, ‘wow’

  Strengths of character show

  We do as we know,

  Strengths of character show

  The depths of the low,

  How do you think you measured to this character of mine?

  It wasn’t like it was me that did the leaving behind,

  She says be a gentleman and to be kind,

  How easy does she think it when I’m mid losing my mind?

  It so got me to thinking that maybe the drinking –

  All the piss I was sinking’ and sprawled out 40 winking’,

  An attitude sending people spinning off and whimpering,

  Ending long before it even had a decent beginning,

  But a revelation hit me like a brick to the head,

  A new satisfaction at things I had never said,

  Shit I’d wished I’d said for a long time now,

  Shit that would make you flinch and just think ‘wow’,

  Strengths of character show

  I’ve got more control than you know,

  Strengths of character shown,

  I’m still intact although I felt I broke,

  She had had me stunned, oh so cool and calm,

  I was struck dumb, numb, this time had finally come,

  15 years her young – next day, next month,

  I had indeed foretold the day would come…

  Exit Scenario

  “Never underestimate the pleasures patience can bring because when it comes – you will be grateful you hadn’t lost your shit and gone berserk. It is difficult, extremely so, and I know this better than anyone, but this silence shit really is strangely rewarding. Exercise your patience and maintain it the best you can during these high-tensioned, high-tensile times. Be patient and keep as silent and to yourself as you can, the crunch will come. And if you’re right in where the action is – you’ll get lucky enough to have that front-row seat experience watching everything else around you come undone. And it is as amusing as everyone else thinks it is. It’s bliss to see the shoe on the other foot, seeing others cop it as it’s coming. Just keep your distance.” – Mugdowie.

  Enter Scenario

  “What is an anarchist? One might imagine someone who bathes in the glory of chaos and countless atrocities of endless mayhem… something like that. This piece is a slim sum up of what I’d envisioned one would be like. Surrounding himself with the madness and confusing daze he blinds his victims with. No fear, it’s all in. Reckless and careless play on magnitudinal scales. He bathes himself in the glory of his destruction. The loud crashing, clashing, crumbling noise is just music to his ears. He dances to the screams of panic and even has recordings of screams he plays in his earphones to put him to sleep at night, yes, he’s a madman and capable of all your minds’ worst purgatorical-style nightmares. He could live next door to you. He might choose to work up close or from a distance but is probably real comfortable with both. It’s not psychotic – it’s a psychopathic kind of behaviour. But they could seem as normal as you and me, and you might never have known if you’ve met him or thousands like him previously before. And you might never pick them out of a crowd either.” – Towltku.

  Rime of the Anarchist

  The most dangerous man of all time,

  Is sadly one unafraid to die,

  Made his peace with suicide,

  The source of the cause for others’ cries,

  A bringer of destruction on a global scale,

  Of soaring bombs that whistle and wail,

  Confusion and panic rising in a manic flail,

  Mass homicide in the quake of his trail,

 
He’s in constant formulation,

  Mapping out his rampages,

  Staged in countless gauges,

  For an oblivion outrageous,

  Dissolving blood and flesh to vapour,

  In a mindless violent caper,

  Landscape to become misshapened,

  Corporations falling to his favour,

  Riots blazing on for days,

  The public dazed and in dismay,

  Crazed and getting carried away,

  Grazing on his prey,

  Prepared to meet demise by his own rapier,

  Completely held accountable for his behaviour,

  But in his own mind believes he’s the saviour,

  Sending evil packing to its’ graveyard,

  Exit Scenario

  “No remorse – no regrets, open for the consequence. No lookin’ back, they’ll push that button and blow us all back to the dark ages. Friends of mine say they can’t wait. Well, who in their right mind would want to tolerate such greed as we’re seeing everywhere these days? More and more people are shutting off their television sets so they’re not watching only what the media’s being paid to show you. Not all of it is any good. New world order here we come. It’s depressing and upsetting and occasionally it angers me, but what can we do about it? Stop watching the news completely and switch to one of your favourite movies or television series you might have on disc or even just switch the television off altogether and pick up a book –God knows there are billions of books out there, why not read one? Why not read thousands? My folks would sometimes say there are programs you could watch that’d just rot your brains anyway – mind you, I thought programs like Ren & Stimpy were funny as fuck back then and even still to this day if you can sit to watch it with a bit of green, and that was all off topic but you get the idea. That piece was; Rime Of The Anarchist.” – Towltku.

  Enter Scenario

  “Consideration of others. A rarer thing to see the deeper you sail further into the dark and cloudy unknown recesses of the compelling drive of others. The greed – the hunger, the nitty-gritty-no-holds-bar. What a man must do in his darkest hours and most dire straits. Oh, the woe and fear and paranoia you would be encumbered by to see into the minds of those cunning and insidious few. Outcome is, the cycle of people like them making people like us and so on and so forth. An endless struggle of logic for use for profit and gain – and the consideration of those whom are profited off of. It’s no wonder it’s rapidly becoming an every man for himself state of world, only the smartest and the strongest will survive. One must never leave room for error else it can all be lost and the effort will have all been for nothing.

  There are some people extremely violent whom enjoy the life they have better that way – consequences aside. And then there are people out there mainly to manipulate with mind games, occasionally clever enough that they aren’t picked up on straight away. They don’t have to rely on the means of brutal brawn to beat you, they’ve got themselves a deadly intellect, that, may never really be matched – and rarely more so still, satisfactorily stimulated. Since a lot of their victims are mindless already, they’re easy picking. They can survive off the inferior but barely thrive. Rarely thrive where excitements concerned – real excitement anyway. All of it is senseless, but there are various forms of violence and none of them ever truly benefit in any way – not when you stand back a good distance and survey the entire structure of the system. And where a lot of people are going wrong is where they want to snap the rest of the broken chain off and throw it away – instead, we could be strengthening the foundation our nation is structured around, fix the flaws in the reasoning, heal the people, educate, weld up the stress fractures with a far better bead for larger capacity of weight bearing.

  ’til we begin having consideration of our actions and the affects of our actions on others, people are still going to make people like you and me and vice versa. We still cycle, it goes out and it will always come back around.” – Velb.

  Senseless Violence

  Yeah, I’m reckless,

  Senseless, relentless,

  Disrespectant, unrepentant,

  I get my excitement from violence,

  I’m one sick sadistic prick,

  I get my kick outta twisted shit,

  I chuck a fit with a vicious spit,

  I’m struck love-smit when I’m out swingin’ fists,

  I get my exercise, every time I fight,

  I get the more excited when others match my stride,

  Opponents spitting blood makes me smile wide,

  Hard and heavy blows are pride of the prime,

  I never need a reason,

  To bestow a bruising beating,

  I do it every season,

  And anytime I might need it,

  Make fuckers bleed, knock out their teeth,

  I’ve lost count of when it’s happened to me,

  Racist? Please! – I hate everyone equally,

  And it may sound bleak, I like it, keeps me on my feet,

  I’m one sadistic prick,

  I get a kick outta twisted shit,

  I chuck a fit with a vicious spit,

  I’m love-smit when I’m swingin’ fists

  I never need a reason,

  To bestow a bruising beating,

  I do it every season,

  And every time I need it…

  Exit Scenario

  “I can admit I haven’t been as considerate of my actions affecting others around me, but it is something I have been putting thought to lately. You’re showing a compassion towards others the more you cogitate about it, and it may go unnoticed, but it may still be the very same. Respect forms between all parties when it has been noticed. Hope yet. It comes back around.

  Do we really want all that discourtesy, disrespect, dishonesty, distrust, disharmony? Make your mind well, because it has a habit of deciding on a smack back in our face upon its return.

  I never liked it back and my attitude was appalling at times. I would mirror attitudes and when people realized they were having it fed back at them the way they gave – not one of them liked it. Barely even handled it any better than I had, not like any normal human being might. The parable here is that if you can’t handle taking it from anybody else – don’t go to the trouble of spreading it around yourself. That, is hypocrisy, that, is a double standard. Make consideration priority whenever you think you feel restless because you only make yourself look more the fool when you throw that tantrum after the consequence has swept through. Not too many others will think similarly to yourself, not too many others might handle what you offer, you can’t count on somebody else having as similar the strength and stability as yourself and things can go terribly wrong if you are unaware and unprepared. That being said – remember to never assume.” – Velb.

  Enter Scenario

  “These are the forms, figures my psychosis chose to design for me to fear. Maybe they were really there in a spiritual sense – but quite literally. I would see them at night if I were outside. Corpses, skeletons that would menacingly stare longingly after me. They would stagger toward me. From off a short distance. My heart would race. Oh God, my heart would pound. I swear it would get caught in my throat from time to time. Why would I see them? And these creepy – terrifying beings as they were? Why would they want me? Am I not here as part of God’s plan? Did my soul escape some prison on another plane elsewhere and break the laws of nature to re-exist? And were these crawling, staggering carcasses – cadavers after me for that reason? I just – I always felt like they wanted to capture me and imprison me on another plane elsewhere. Surely I had a right to exist here? I’m not breaking any natural laws that I’m aware of. Unless… I am here outside of the divine plan – nah, couldn’t be. Surely the good lord and saviour wouldn’t have had his back turned when my existence was birthed here? No, ye
t all the time those bodies of the dead wanted me, all the time they noticed me, they’d chase after me. Never once they caught me – they were far slower than me. They wouldn’t cease pursuit, but they never caught up to me before I was further out of their range. I would shudder every night at the prospect of having to be outside with them when I could see them. But fuck would I run.” – Zarkyl.

  Skeletons… A Psychosis

  The past reminds you of the path,

  Its mighty grasp can make you gasp,

  But there’s no getting rid of skeletons,

  And no point thinking you forget them

  The devils’ army from hell hath arisen

  Come to claim, and take me to prison

  Imagine the fear I must envision

  Upon my made and premeditated decision

  Their half rotted bodies

  Show no signs of stopping

  Show not one ounce of mercy

  Until they’ve caught and turned me

  They crawl, stagger limp and leer,

  They smell fear and I feel them near

  I sense their hate and it radiates

  And I know they’ve come to seal my fate

  For soon I’ll feel their hot foul breath

  Rattling down on my neck

  And their chase won’t cease nor regress

  ’til I am laid to rest.

  A fear that the memory

  Will finally catch up to me

  Rape me, forsake me,

  Break me and take me