by Kaero Davis
Brain On Fire
Electric walls like prison bars,
Surround and are closing in,
White hot fire grazing old scars,
Prickling, sparking oblivion,
Where do I run – jump, grab, sling, scale,
How far do I go – blow, snap, wring and bail,
Electric wall-like prison bars,
Twist, shift, reshape, radiate,
White hot fire, twitching old scars,
Blister, crisping, incinerate,
I need an escape – I need a break,
Mental health’s at stake and its’ peace sake,
Walking the wire with a brain on fire,
Lost desire, lost inspire, all the time I tire,
Tears all dried – can no longer cry,
Heaven denied, severing ties, levering lies of pride,
A me is gone I sorely miss,
Once was sad but now I’m pissed,
Hate outlives where I used to exist,
Knuckles crack a fist,
I find bliss in enduring pain,
I’ve been remiss trying to explain,
Some may say I’ve gone insane,
What do I give when I’ve been drained,
What can I give when there’s nothing I’ve got,
I feel I live but am beginning to rot,
At least I don’t act like something I’m not,
Electric wall-like prison bars
White hot fire grazing old scars,
I need an escape – I need a break,
My mental health’s at stake…
Exit Scenario
“Sometimes, I’ve felt I’ve been pushed beyond what my mind, my brain can handle – and I’ve been pushed to a point that my head feels like it’s going to explode – beyond more than I can take – more than my mental health can handle. I’ve occasionally felt like I’ve overworked myself to a point that I don’t feel I can manage the simplest of tasks. I feel hot, my head does, and I feel dangerously close to melting down. I’ve even feared frying my brain – pushing it to these limits, beyond its’ natural capabilities. Sometimes I seem to think I’m capable of more, but I end up doing further damage than good. And after some time still, it feels like I need to take an extension of time to pull myself back together. And I feel I have to lose the time of days to gain what I lost back – and I rarely ever get back what I’d lost. Makes me wonder if there’s a point that, if I do push too far – will I be capable of healing – will I be capable of returning to my normal self, or will I have finally destroyed all chances of ever being what I was… I know I don’t ever want to be a vegetable but if I’m not too careful enough, if I don’t pay too much attention to what I’m doing then, I might not ever make it back. And to be aware of all this just makes me want to tread all the more carefully. The brain, the mind, it’s a precious thing…” – Velb.
Enter Scenario
“I wrote this at the age of fifteen years, feeling often bullied at home and school, writing helped me express my feelings even then. My only other real release was dodging school occasionally to smoke weed and drink at a mate’s joint who my step-parents hated. I considered him a brother whose company I was comfortable enough to be open around. He really listened, and I needed people around me who would take me seriously. I felt he could relate to me and allowed me to vent, and often enough he’d invite me along to random escapades that could’ve landed us deep in the shit. And I would go because I found it of some great release of emotion as well as excitement. We had had reckless, careless fun. I always had the best brightest grin on my face when I had nothing to care for – or be responsible of. But of course, all fun must come to an end and when I would return home back to face the control-freak, bully-manipulators – my tail was always down between my legs. And I was in for it. I’d always try to avoid interaction with the family because at some point they’d always try to embarrass me in front of people – occasionally put me down – no, sorry, most of the time – they’d speak ill of me to others in my presence, to other family members, to friends of the family and even spoken ill of me to my own friends. There were a few young fuckin’ dickheads back at school who would torment me – pick on me, that one day I stole names out of a teacher’s roll call sheet whose addresses I would later look up to hunt down, for a much later retribution. Somebody ratted me out and forced me to show the teacher, who then took me before the principal who also questioned me about it. I’d confirmed my intentions and my step-parents were called to the school to take me up to mental health – where, I would see a psychologist that would tell me I had to spend a few days at the mental ward at the Maryborough base hospital. And they said I had to go either voluntarily or of course involuntarily. Involuntarily meant the police were taking me there, but I’d decided to go peacefully with the step-folks.
They say it’s the silent ones you’ve got to watch for, the ones adept at living inside their own minds, and quite comfortably. Disconnected partially from the world yet quiet, calm and swift. I felt like I had to learn to do it all the time I was around that family. “Terrahkiel –If you can’t say anything nice – don’t say anything at all!” Fuck man, I was steaming, inside – my rage was building and building and I swear to God I was almost on the brink of an explosion. A lot of the time I was quiet because I was infuriated beyond the point of insanity (never to say anything out of rage) – and I swear that every time I was almost at fight or flight point – something hazardous was happening to me, to my mind. That point where the trauma is far too comprehensible and you simply black out – or in this case, white out. It’s a freezing point – similar to beyond boiling point, you still burn out – and burn bright too but behind, the brain stalls in the daze, you get ripping surging headaches, the salty tears sting your eyes. Your face – red, hot, and scrunched tight expressing extreme emotions of anger, hatred, frustration and loathing – and you want to move but you feel paralysed to the spot, sick in the stomach. And you feel heavy – like if you frantically flailed in your explosion – your body couldn’t and wouldn’t react quick enough to the adrenalin coursing in your veins. WHY? Why do people push you to those extremes? Why do they do this shit? How can they think they can just make my life so miserable when it’s all they feel? How is that fucking fair? Why does it have to be my fault – and why should I have to be the one to pay?
Be aware – I’m dangerous on the inside…” – Terrahkiel.
Danger on the Inside
Danger,
Danger on the inside,
Madness,
Feel the boiling blood rise,
Run,
Run for your life,
For I may take it,
Surprised demise,
There’s a demon
Inside of me,
And he longs,
To break free,
Wrath and vengeance,
My vendetta,
Don’t toy with my feelings,
And your life would prove better,
Danger,
Danger on the inside,
Madness,
Feel the boiling blood rise,
Too late,
You already know,
Your dead,
It’s time for you to go,
Maybe in your next life,
You should care to know,
Those maybe sleeping dogs,
Are better left alone
Exit Scenario
“There were too many times than I could count that I found myself fantasizing about murder, finally silencing those who’ve made my life a misery and save any others like me the time of having to deal with the future frustration and anguish. I once told one of my tormentors that my old man said if he caught me doing what they were doing – my dad would kick my arse. And these shits just laughed at me. I balled my fists up at
my sides and they taunted me saying – ‘What? You gonna hit me? Do it – never raise your fists unless you intend to hit someone! They were probably right, but there were 5 maybe 7 of them and then just me. No one else was willing to jump in at my aid or step up for my sake, I was alone, no one taking my side but yet, I bet you if I had of taken them on and then wiped them out then and there – everybody would’ve applauded for me. These guys I was tempted to go up against had frightened up most of the students at the school. If I had of beat the living shit through them, many of my peers would’ve hailed me a hero for it. Even if I had of beat them though – I would have had to deal with my parents after that, yeah I’d have gotten a swift fuckin’ kick up the arse. Anyway, ‘Danger On The Inside’ was written out of one of those frustrated moods where I’d take it out in lyric and or limerick, artistically – poetically express my ‘frustration’ and ‘stress’. No sense being violent about it when it’d have more of a consequential outcome further on. I felt I was as dangerous as others, especially when there wasn’t a moment I couldn’t feel threatened. And the more threatened I felt the more dangerous I would be in my desperation. As it goes…” – Terrahkiel.
Enter Scenario
“All life needs trust and faith and love to flourish. And who says plants and trees don’t feel it. Someone once told me some – or probably all plants can emit a high-pitched sound – however on a scale so high that we can’t register with our ears. But as I’ve heard many different people say – some plants react to being talked to – even sung to. And I believe we’re all connected – with all living things. A lot of us have just lost touch with being able to connect with different things. And I’m certain a lot of people out there would most definitely think I’m mad, but just listen to any indigenous man or woman on any continent – those who’re the caretakers of the land and who have the utmost respect for nature. Such indigenous people who took only what they needed to survive and nothing more. Millionaires have placed such importance on material shit like currency but answer me this – can you fucking eat money? No – you can’t, and hundreds upon thousands of us have forgotten our old ways. Hunting and gathering of food supplies. Not too many people can do it nowadays, and virtually everything is automated, recorded and accounted for. Everything is controlled. We almost have the convenience of being able to push a button and have everything be done at the said pressing. I have friends who can hunt and who’re waiting for some power-hungry idiot, to ‘push the button and blow us all back to the dark ages’. Because guess what? What in the fuck is money going to do for you when it has no value? We’ve all put too much importance and value on money while losing the skills necessary to just hunt to kill to eat. You can have your millions of dollars and be a royal arsehole cause at the end of the day – I wouldn’t save ya…” – Towltku.
Dead Ground
How am I to plant my roots –
When the ground beneath is loose?
You’re asking of me so much trust,
When I could be debris in the next biggest gust,
The foundation I need has to be firm,
The ground below can’t be infested with worms,
I can’t be the tree to fall and not make a sound,
But you don’t see this all seems to be dead ground,
Sure, I could branch off to a leap of faith,
But I best not burn in a fiery blaze,
Nor uprooted in a storm and blown away,
I just can’t afford to stem off astray,
You need to understand the ground can’t be loose,
If you really want me to plant in my roots,
Can’t just be dust when concerning trust,
When I could be debris in the next biggest gust,
Exit Scenario
“My point’s been made, I’ve said my peace on the subject, but please people – have a good think about it hey, what good is money when we can no longer use it to get what we need. NEED not WANT. We’ve put too much importance on it. And wiping out slowly our oxygen levels. More carbon and pollution in the air and increasing – while our sources of oxygen – the trees – are being diminished. And why? Either in the name of housing or buildings to work in or even to rape the ground for sources of chemicals and metals that really should just stay where it fuckin’ is. And we’re all only poisoning ourselves off – and then what? What do we do then? The damage we’ve already done, might be irreversible…I would go so far to say we can’t trust how much longer we’ve got on this planet before anything nasty on an intense level will wipe us all out. You can’t trust people enough to have too much power over what resources are left or diminishing or even be trusted to replenish. Just a thought…” – Towltku.
Enter Scenario
“A great disturbance to me is the thought of a premeditated fate for myself, one I might be unwillingly, unwittingly bringing upon myself – should I continue to repeat certain behaviours and particular habits I like to think I am aware of the things I do to myself and others I genuinely care about but occasionally; actions and events – consequences are too far beyond my control. People often appeal to me about things I have or haven’t been doing. At times – right or wrong – I have felt like an absolute idiot that I hadn’t in fact realized what I was just doing or saying. People are on occasion horrified or just surprised at what I’d said or done or didn’t. I’m the more frustrated – whence it’s finally been painfully pointed out – that I could’ve been so blind, I would’ve just made a fool of myself. Humiliated myself.
At times I just cannot stand the expectations people have of me, expectations – or standards I’m being held to that I seem too frequently slipping up on. At times I wonder if others are being unrealistic to just have these assumptions, and other times I wonder if it’s me who is the one being unrealistic. I mean, people know I have some difficulties understanding things – but if I’m not brought up to speed – I’m just going to repeat these mistakes. And the more often I fuck things up, the deeper the hole I’m digging for myself. And when I realize, I shut down and begin dangerously internalizing. Living in my own mind and disrupting what poor communication I have left capable of sharing with others. I’m very black and white and if it’s not this way it’s that, there’s never been any middle ground – no grey. The further I’m pushed to the edge – the sooner I’m going to crack, and snap with a devastating effect. I’ve never handled the stress well, never. And the further it goes – the less likely I’m going to have a steady, stable, normal life. I feel it.” – Illsequyrie.
Destined Damned
What chance did I have from the beginning?
Clearly no path ever leading to winning,
So much mental anguish I’m confused and spinning,
Hyper-sensitive psychotic sinning – and all the while grinning,
I silently promised the bleeding stars,
Before long I’ll have made my mark,
Ripping the soul clean of my heart,
Becoming one with the dark,
Pay a man some thanks for this fatherless child,
None’ll have ever seen me so wild,
But to never see it comin’ means they’re livin’ a denial,
And frankly ‘turning the other cheek’ just isn’t my style,
Reckless, careless, full-battle charge,
Relentless – cold, no going halves,
Vicious, malicious – no holds barred,
Merciless and out – free to fuck hard,
I silently promised the bleeding stars,
Before long I’ll have made my mark,
Ripped the soul free from around my heart,
All for one and one with the dark,
Claim myself a trophy treasure,
Compensation for my endeavour,
No piecing my mind back together,
It’s made, severed, slashed, tethered…
E
xit Scenario
“A particular fear of mine is of terribly losing my cognitive thought and start running around purely impulsively, compelled – driven by thoughts – no, emotion much like a two-year-old child throwing a tantrum, only, I’m a full grown man at about 6”2’ and of an especially surprising strength. It scares me. It scares me that I could be such a dangerous demented being that loses sight of what’s wrong or right – or even that I care. And that if I don’t get my own way – I could cause a horrific scale of terror. This is very real to me. Nightmarish almost to think that I might one day be some silent, mindless, violent monster. And a minute ago I was just envisioning Michael Myers of the Halloween franchise. Only my case would’ve actually existed. I know it’s possible such people truly exist – but I really don’t want to become one of them. And I can’t go back in time. There’s no re-doing the childhood stage once you’re passed it. I shudder to think that people would fear me – but I fear over the course of my past – some might already. It pains me to think on it. I might never have been meant to have a real change. Friends know I already complain over what I feel I’ve been given’s a raw deal, but still, I know there are others out there far worse than me. I’ve wished to the stars that things would change – and I know if I apply the effort, things would. But I haven’t felt much of a will to benefit myself in that way better, but, I am often consumed by such emotion that I revert back to that lizard-like mind.