by TC Matson
A victorious grin flashes across her mouth. “That’s what I thought.” She takes a step back, jerking her hand from mine. “You’re nuts to run from this, Ash. What if she’s feeling what you’re feeling too? Why would you want to toss that? Take it from a woman. Don’t assume and don’t make her assume. Someone is bound to get hurt that way.”
My skin begins to feel like fire ants are crawling over me. I tap my fingers on my thigh and then sit back down to bounce my leg.
“You’ve tried keeping her on the edge of your life to keep her close,” Fay continues. “An arm’s length away. Ash she’s not going to leave you as long as you’re giving her your all. She’s already caught up and she hasn’t gotten to the good stuff. The heart under all that toughness.” She keeps her distance. “Does she know anything?”
“No. And I’m not going to tell her. The moment I do, she’ll see the monster I am.”
“Ash…”
“Stop, Fay.” I jerk back to my feet again needing to move.
“It’s not fair to you to continue living like everything is or was your fault.”
“Fay!” I shout. “Fucking drop it.”
With an indignant tilt to her chin and a narrow slit to her eyes, she takes a step closer. “If you don’t discuss being exclusive with her, you’ll lose her and that will be your fault. A regret you’ll carry for the rest of your life because whether you want to accept it or not, you’ve fallen for her, but you’re acting too much like an asshole to see it.” She spins on her sandals and walks out of my area to the front, leaving me heaving from anger…and hurt.
I need to walk away. I came here to end this. I have every intention of stopping it all before our hearts are destroyed and I hate myself for the pain that will inevitably be in her eyes. I’m not an idiot. I know she is beginning to have feelings for me. It’s in the way she looks at me, on her face, in her words. But when Kenlyn opens the door, half asleep and looking all adorable, I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t tell her. Everything I snapped at Fay the other day dissipates…
A crease forms between her brows. “Hey. What are you doing here?”
She has the right to be confused. I never show up unannounced or in the middle of the week. “Shop was slow so I left early.” I take in her pajamas—loose shirt and short shorts with pandas imprinted all over them. I smirk. “Pandas?”
She titters under her breath. “Don’t judge. I didn’t know you were coming.”
“I wanted to…” talk. I need to call this off. Stop it before you’re taken from me. Those words are right fucking there. “See you. Talk a little.”
Her face falls but she slaps on a forced smile just as quickly. “Okay. Come in. I was about to go to bed.”
“I didn’t think about the time.” Why is this awkward? We’re never like this. “I can come back a different time.”
“No. You’re fine.” We stand staring at each other in the middle of the little foyer. Her gaze is on mine with so much worry swirling in her eyes. Something in my chest constricts and my mouth runs dry. “You said you wanted to talk?”
Now or never. She looks innocent and gorgeous as hell. Fay’s words “you’ve fallen for her” grow louder and louder in my mind. I need one last time with her. One more time to feel her, to feel what she does to me before this is done and I break our hearts.
Cupping her head, I crash into her mouth. She’s stiff at first, unsure what’s going on, but the moment my tongue delves in and swipes across hers, she liquifies. I inhale her little moan, keeping our mouths together as I lift her by her ass and carry us down the hall to her bedroom.
I lay her down on the bed, slide her shorts down her legs, and drop to my knees. Spreading her pussy, I lick from her entrance to her clit, circling and sucking. A low needy moan slips over her lips, her back arches and her hands go straight to my hair. She tastes like heaven and sounds like an angel. Inserting two fingers, I pump and add a curl to hit the spot I know lights her up. She rides my face. Hushed sweet sounds fill the room.
It doesn’t take long for her pussy to tighten on my fingers and she declares she’s coming. She’s gorgeous as she does—mouth parted, eyes rolled closed, body writhing, skin flushed. She grabs a pillow and shoves it over her face to keep quiet since I’m assuming Lucia is here.
Getting back to my feet, I strip off my jeans, rip my shirt over my head, and grab the condoms I refilled yesterday. Her eyes are sex-filled and heavy, watching as I grip my dick and roll the condom down my shaft. My dick throbs to feel her. I throb to fucking feel her.
I sit her up and get rid of her pajama shirt before scooting her up the bed and nestling between her legs. Her hands are all over me. Soft tips of her fingers burn my skin as she drags them from the back of my neck down my arms and across my back.
Doesn’t matter how many times we’ve had sex, sinking into her always feels like the first time. Tight heat wraps around my dick and I hiss, burying myself slowly to the hilt.
“Shit. I love your pussy.” It’s the closest I’ve admitted to how I feel. My heart’s already involved, which is why I know if I don’t end this, she’ll be torn away and I’ll be left reeling.
I kiss her. It’s hot and slow following the rhythm of my hips. She pants against my mouth. As much as I want to take this harder, I don’t. I relish the way her body feels, the way she looks, the way we fit. She bites her lip to quiet her moans. Her fingers dig into my biceps. Her pussy begins to pulse.
She’s close.
Gripping under the back of her knee, I lift it higher and push to spread her wider. Even though she’s never voiced what she likes, her body screams it instead. She likes long strokes opposed to shorter ones when she’s on the verge of coming, which is exactly what I give her.
“Ash.” The warning comes just before she does.
She grabs the back of my neck and yanks me to her mouth in an attempt to keep her quiet. I grind into her, pushing deep and alternating between short and long strokes until the heat low in my stomach explodes and rushes through me.
I drop my head beside hers. We’re both breathless, sweaty, and definitely sated.
After cleaning up in the bathroom, I come back out and get dressed. She’s back in her pajamas sitting on top of her covers on the bed, chewing on the side of her lip, and looking as innocently gorgeous as ever.
“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” she says quietly.
Dammit. “I need to. You have work in the morning.”
She flashes a smile. “I don’t have to wake you if you don’t want me to.”
I’d love to know what it’s like to hold her all night and wake up with her in my arms. “As much as I’d love to, I need to get going.” I hate myself. Loathe the way her face just fell. Abhor I’m the one who made it happen.
“Oh. Okay.” She stands and doesn’t look at me.
“I’ll call you, okay?” I kiss her, hoping she can feel that I’m sorry.
“Yeah. Sure.” She grabs my arm and when her gaze meets mine, my legs feel weak. “You said you wanted to talk. Is everything okay?”
I hear the worry in her voice. It’s warranted. I’ve never done the fuck and chuck with her. It’s easy when the person I’m fucking means nothing but an orgasm, but Kenlyn? She means so much more than that. She deserves more than this, more than me.
“It wasn’t important.” I plaster a smile on my face although it feels like nails and leave her standing in her room confused and inevitably hurt.
If I’m doing the right thing, why does it feel so wrong?
Chapter Twenty-One
It’s the beginning of the end. Ash has been distant for days, short on his texts and absent from my days, opposite from where he pushed himself into my life. I’ve replayed the last few times we’ve been together over and over to analyze what could have possibly been the switch. Other than him leaving right after our LaserX date, nothing stands out and I’m chalking that up to him just being tired. Between working and seeing me, I don’t know w
hen he sleeps.
But I shouldn’t be surprised. Everyone leaves.
“Dotty,” I call out entering her apartment. “It’s me.”
The legs of her walker appear from the kitchen before she comes into view. “Perfect timing. Just put some cookies in the oven.”
Dotty loves to bake, but as she’s gotten older it’s been getting harder for her. Balancing a hot tray of freshly baked goods normally ends in a mess on the floor and her temper flaring at her body failing her. I’m happy she waited for me to be able to help pull them out.
“Oh? What’s the special occasion?” I place my purse on the little table at her entryway and follow her into the living room where I help her back into her recliner.
“This woman had the audacity to sue a cake shop because she ordered a cake and requested cookies to be in it. She didn’t specify how, but boy was she hot when the cake contained crushed cookie bits.” She shakes her head. “Got me in the mood for cookies.” She chuckles.
“What happened to the lawsuit?”
“Dismissed. The judge was fired up because the cake shop made another one at no charge, gave her both of them, and the little witch still wanted to be angry.”
“Who would be mad about a free cake?”
Dotty throws her hands out toward the TV. “Exactly. If I were that judge, I would’ve made her pay for the free one. She wasn’t very pleasant. Her attitude was entitled.” She rolls her eyes and rests back into the chair. “When I was a teenager, I made a cake and it was bad, but we ate it. All of it without complaining. That’s what’s wrong with today’s people. Always finding something to complain about.”
I titter, loving how she sees the world through her eyes. Everything is so different from when she was my age. It might have been harder back then, but it was a simpler way to live.
“So what’s new with you this week. You look different. You get laid real good?” she asks with a knowing smirk that makes her look as mischievous as a child.
“Dotty!” I bark with a laugh.
“I may be old, but I’m not blind. I know when a woman’s had a real good ride. If you know what I mean.” She winks. “Tell me about him. Was it any good?”
My cheeks burn with chagrin and it makes Dotty’s eyes glint. “I met a guy, yes. We’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks now.”
“You like him a lot, huh?”
“I do.” I scoot up from the cushion and grin, biting the edge of my lip. “He’s good looking, sweet, funny.”
“I feel like there’s a but coming. Is the sex bad?”
I snort. “You’re pervy. You know that?”
“Without a healthy and fulfilling sex life, there isn’t a chance in hell a relationship will survive on good looks and funny moments. There needs to be a connection in and out of the bed, and the man needs to make your toes curl.”
“You’re killing me.” I rub my forehead trying to hide my horrified laugh. “The sex is fantastic. The best actually.”
This gets her attention and she lights up with a huge smile. “Is this guy becoming serious?”
“Well—”
“Oh hell…” She grabs the remote for the TV and mutes it. I’ve got her attention for sure this time.
“It felt like we were. We spent a lot of time together doing various things, but the other day he showed up unexpectedly, we had…fun, and he left. He’s been distant since then. Which isn’t like him. Normally we text and talk and…” I sigh. “I went into this trying to do the casual thing but my heart has gotten tangled up. Maybe he realizes it and wants out? I don’t know.”
Dotty shifts to rest on her elbow as she leans to look me dead in the eyes. “Sometimes love scares a man. They can be stupid creatures under their good looks and charm.”
I scoff. “He’s not in love with me. It’s too soon. Besides, I’m not what he’d want. We’re very different.”
Her brow raises high and anger flashes. “Instead of your self-depreciating ways, why not see yourself from someone else’s eyes. If the man didn’t want you, he’d not spend time with you. It would only be about sex. You can’t control love. It’s an untamed emotion that can’t and will never be tamed. Men don’t like the feeling of being out of control, so maybe that’s the reason for his distance.”
“Or I’m not—”
“You finish that and I’ll forbid you to walk back through my door again.” Her frail finger points at me as she scolds. “You’re damn good enough, Pea. And I wish you’d see it.”
The timer on the oven beeps. I pull the cookies out, set them on the top to cool and don’t dare touch them because Dotty will cut off my hand. Then I settle back on the couch.
“Talk to him, Pea. Grow a set of lady balls and talk to him. It’s the only way to figure out if he’s feeling the same way you are.”
I wonder how my life would be if Dotty had come in to it earlier, or better yet, if she was my mother. She’s loving and stern, protective but not scared to put you in your spot. She would have never left me. Hell, she’s not related to me and won’t leave. Not that I want her to. I love her so much.
It’s been three days since I’ve seen Ash. He did call me on his days off, but they were short conversations. Even his texts are short. This doesn’t sound like Ash and the more thought I’ve put into it, the more it makes me wonder if there’s something going on beyond us. I’m being pushed away. But why? If I wasn’t good enough for him, he wouldn’t have stuck around and been persistent. If he was here for just the sex, he would’ve left after getting it. Maybe Dotty is right. Or maybe my heart is making me a little wishful.
Truth is—I am falling for him. Wildly. And I know it’s fast, which is why I’ve done my best to keep him from knowing. He’s in it for the casual. A man like Ash doesn’t want to settle down. He’s got an untamable heart.
But that’s not stopping me from picking up the phone and calling to find out what’s going on. If he’s done with me, he needs to tell me. Not string me along.
Lady balls.
His voicemail picks up and for a split second I almost back out. My heart is in my throat when I leave a message.
“Hey. Um, I don’t know what’s going on or what has happened in the past week, but I wish you’d talk to me. I don’t know what to think or what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know if I should push or pull away. If this isn’t what you want, you need to tell me because being left hanging in the dark kind of sucks to be honest. And if it has nothing to do with me, disregard my previous statement and talk to me. Maybe I can help? I don’t know… Anyway, I’m around. Call or text. Hope everything is okay.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
“Hey. Um, I don’t know what’s going on or what has happened in the past week, but I wish you’d talk to me. I don’t know what to think or what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know if I should push or pull away. If this isn’t what you want, you need to tell me because being left hanging in the dark kind of sucks to be honest. And if it has nothing to do with me, disregard my previous statement and talk to me. Maybe I can help? I don’t know… Anyway, I’m around. Call or text. Hope everything is okay.”
I’ve listened to Kenlyn’s message four times and each time is just as shitty as the first. It’s what I wanted—to push her away because it’s something that needs to be done—but I can’t seem to find it in me to end it. I know the moment I do I’ll never see her again. It’ll gut me. But if I continue to be with her, I’ll fall deeper than I already am and it’ll be a devastation I’m not quite sure I can handle.
The past week without her has left me a miserable bastard. A distracted miserable bastard at that. I mixed up my tat sketches on two different appointments, making it seem like I’m an incompetent dipshit in front of two new clients. I overslept twice, forgot to pick up dinner after I told Cody I’d grab something, and almost got into a fight with a stranger on the street because I wasn’t watching where I was walking.
I’m pathetic. This entire situation is ridiculous.
“Go to her,” Fay’s voice is a whisper. I look up from a sketch of a woman I’m doing for another client who is unintentionally getting some of Kenlyn’s characteristics. “Ash. You’re miserable without her. Stop being bull-headed and making your life so difficult.”
Ignoring her, I drop my gaze back to my hands.
That doesn’t deter Fay. It never has. When she has something to say, you’re going to hear it whether you want to or not. “Life without love isn’t a life worth living. You find a woman who has stolen your heart and you’re the one tearing her out of your life. It’s not fair to you or her. You deserve to be happy and she was making you that way. For the first time in the years I’ve known you, your smile was so much more.”
I don’t say anything.
Her groan is one from frustration. “You worked so hard to get a chance and now that you have it, you’re throwing it away. You said she fascinates you. You feel something, Ash. You fucking feel something and you’re stalling. What you’re doing to yourself and how you’re sabotaging this is really pissing me off. I want to shake some sense into you before you lose her.”
My head stays down.
Fay grabs my arm, spins me on the stool so I’m facing her, and lowers her face to mine. “You’re. Going. To. Lose. Her.” She enunciates each word through gritted teeth. “You can’t tell me that’s honestly what you want.”
“You’re right. I can’t tell you that.”
Tears are welling up in her eyes. For as long as I’ve known Fay, she’s never cried. Ever. She’s always had a tough exterior. “I’ve never doubted your choices in anything you’ve ever done. Your life is your life. But, Ash, I’m telling you this is the worst mistake you’ll ever make. You’re going to regret it regardless of how you compartmentalize it.”
“You don’t underst—”
“You’re wrong. I do,” she interrupts me. “You’ve been ripped apart and left devastated. You got a second chance and in the blink of an eye your world was flipped upside down. I can’t fathom that type of hurt, Ash. I can’t. But you persevered through the anguish and found your footing. You help others who feel like their futures hold nothing. You’re the best fake brother slash best friend I could ever ask for.” She wipes a tear that is running down her cheek and takes a breath before leveling me with a stare. “They didn’t die because of you. It’s not your fault. You’re not some divine deciding factor. All the bad luck doesn’t mean it’s because of you.”