Bauheg began shifting from foot to foot and clearing his throat, as if this Jo-jo-knee and her stares unnerved him. He was like twice her size. Was she the ringleader of this operation? Why did he almost seem terrified to stone, intimidated by her?
“Ah, fuck me,” she burst out upon spying me. “What the fuzzy nuglets, guys? We’re taking prisoners now?” Her scowl was instant.
“No,” Rek barked out tersely. “Bauheg took Mall-butt. Female no see. Took sleepy drink. Make the noises Jo-jo-knee does. LOUD,” he felt the need to emphasize, then imitated a raucous snore.
Thanks, asshole.
“I do not do that.” Jo-jo-knee rolled her eyes. “But whatever.” Her hand lifted and she rolled it, flicking her fingers at Rek as if to wave him and his insipid comments off.
“That’s not my name,” I huffed out much quieter than I’d intended, then kinda, sorta, chickened out at the last minute on being pissy about it and slowly shut my trap.
Jo-jo-knee kept talking like I hadn’t spoken. Her shrewd glare was focused on Rek.
“Really?” she murmured haughtily, full of so much sass I could practically taste it. Spicy disaster—the woman had it stamped across her forehead. “Care to tell me why you’ve got her all trussed up like a carcass you’re cartin’ home and tied down then? Get yourself a little treat with you while you were out tricking?”
I almost cringed at the venom in her voice, glancing down my pelt tucked frame to note I was indeed well strapped down to this contraption. I couldn’t remember now if I could recall them doing that... Everything after the sleeping potion was a blur.
Maybe she should have worn the Yeti costume. This chick had claws and she was sharpening them on her favorite scratching post.
“And you, what, were just okay with Booger pickin’ up a little snackerel of a ginger witchypoo, hmm?” Jo-jo-knee jerked a finger at big guy with the amber eyes. “Booger land on her and squish something? Y’all get a bad case of guilt? Full of the sorries?” she tittered suddenly, going from psycho bitch pissed to sugary, almost bubbly, sweet, but it was tempered. Condescension dripped from those painted lips.
“Bauheg. Not Boog-aired. Jo-joansie not funny,” Bauheg grumbled, his thick frame stiffening. “Baw-heg.”
“Who said I was trying to be, jolly and smeared with green?” Jo-jo-knee/Jo-joansie tapped her forehead with a claw looking, brightly painted nail. “What was in it for him, huh? What does Anal Rektus get outta grabbing her?”
“Not for Rek,” Bauheg said after a long pause.
Rek blinked as Jo-jo-knee/Jo-joansie’s face grew so squinted and squished in you’d think she’d sucked a lemon. “Rek no want wish! Not Rektal or mane-dale rektus! Bad female. Me Rek. Rek. Rek is Rek! Wish curse! No want.” Disgust laced his tone. I should be offended. I really should. Relief was the only thing dogging me right in that moment, though.
It was Jo-jo-knee/Jo-joansie’s turn to look surprised. “You don’t want a wish?” she said slowly. Shaking her head, her hand went to her forehead. Blowing out a long breath, she gently tapped the spot. “I’m not following the weirdness comin’ from them lips, honey. You’re going to have to come again. Joanie is not computing, you feel me?”
Rek’s hands lifted and he bared his teeth. “Rek no hands on Jo-jo-knee. No say feel Joansie! Female say Rek weirdness. Jo-jo-knee weirdness.”
“Good god, we’re getting nowhere and you sound like an idiot.” Joanie—not Jo-jo-knee or Jo-joansie or whatever else, apparently—groaned and squeezed her eyes shut briefly.
When Joanie dropped her hand and took a deep breath, she found Rek glowering at her. He cut in as she opened her mouth to speak, frowning at his dirty look, “Female Wish. Curses.” He jerked his chin at me. “Bad. Bad female. Curses Rek. Curses Bauheg. Rothy fix Babayagagi. She take back.” Rek shuddered and grimaced. “Too cold wish. Wish cold sick. Bauheg bring. Rothy fix. Wish happy, wish fix. No more curses. No tricksy feetsies.” Thick, furry arms lifted and he gestured grandly. “Happy wieners.”
“Happy what-ers?” I barked, glancing to Bauheg’s crotch sharply. What in the demented cults had I been dragged into, literally? I didn’t sign up for this, I felt the need to point out.
“Sorry, babes.” Joanie pointed to herself. “Aside from me, no one else has been dumb enough to wanna come on down and volunteer.”
Bauheg, noting my concerned interest in his Yeti-fied genitals, slowly brought his hands forward, clasping them in front of him over his noticeably bulging package. It thickened under my scrutiny. Eyes widening, I quickly looked elsewhere.
“Yea-yea, bad female, blah-blah- Wait.” Joanie blinked. “Curses? Babayagagi?” One longer, lingering look at me and Joanie’s eyes slowly widened. “Oh, fellas, you did not,” she burst out wildly under her breath. Her red painted lips parted, extended eyelashes with green sparkly stuff on them fluttering. The woman gaped quite dramatically. A splutter of a laugh left her. “You can’t mean- You guys didn’t-” Her finger lifted, long, banana yellow nail longer than Yeti costumed claws waggling in my direction. “Oh, you two- You buffoons!” she burst out finally. A cackle followed. Shaking her head, she snorted, garbling out between loud guffaws, “She’s not a witch. That’s not Baba Yaga, you bumble brained fluff muffins. That’s just a human woman in a Halloween costume!”
“Bauheg not cursed?” As if to prove how little he believed her, Bauheg thrust a hand towards his eye, thick finger stabbing near his boo boo. “What this, Joansie?”
“Poked you, did she?” Joanie grinned as our gazes met and the strange woman smirked and tossed me a wink. “Good for her. I like her already. Rosie and I could use a thirdy. The more crazy bitches, the merrier.” Addressing Bauheg, ignoring Rek, who was starting to grumble at the curvy ball of brassy sass, she gestured at his face. “Got a little something there, honey booger,” Joanie told Bauheg. “A lil schmutz on ya. Smear… right about… there.”
“No honey booger Bauheg,” Rek grumbled, slapping Joanie’s hand down as she gestured, teasing his accomplice. “No honeys. No honey anyone.” Pointing at her wildly, he told Bauheg, “No want her. Joanie crazies in head. Joansie screams, loud, smacks. Beats Rek with... with... with Bob!” he exclaimed.
Joanie just turned and gaped at Rek for the longest moment. “You did not just bring my Battery Operated Boyfriend into this! And if your gnarly ass hadn’t acted like they were going to sniff it and taste it, snoopy pants, going through my shit to find it, maybe I wouldn’t have tried to bludgeon you with him!”
“Oh... my god,” I whispered, horrified. Please stop talking, both of them, just stop. For the love of all that is holy, I wished they’d just stop.
“Shmudz?” Bauheg blurted, his clawed fingers going to his face in confusion. He wasn’t even on the same wavelength as the odd pair staring each other down, arguing over an attempted vibrator battle/maiming.
Joanie looked pointedly from me, my face in particular, and then Bauheg. I couldn’t help but glance at him then too, studying the light smears of green on his face. We could talk about that. We could talk about anything but that other thing, the Bob problem, whatever that was she was arguing with Rek about that had her lightly tanned cheeks pinkening and I wanted to pretend I was too stupid to know.
“Wish curse us, Joans-ee,” Rek insisted, bringing her attention back to him.
“Really? What’d she curse on your dryer lint crusted balls? Your butt? Your pride and joy, the furry hot dog you call a ding-a-ling? Tell me, sock monkey,” she fairly purred, leaning in to make a little swirly pattern on his chest that had his hair standing straight up, his chest puffing out even more, “where on the big furry beastie did the lil ol’ witchy woman give you owies?”
Rek began to shift awkwardly from foot to foot, his features pinching harder at the look on Joanie’s face. But then his chest deflated until she was no longer touching him. His hand lifted, rubbing at the back of his neck as he glanced around. “Wish curses, Jo-jo-knee,” he mumbled finally, glancing away from her, the first
to break eye contact. “Wish curses. It true.” He tapped his chest hard, once, twice. “All true. Me know. Rek knowed.”
“Not a witch, darling,” Joanie sang as she brushed past Rek and approached Bauheg. Flicking her hair over her shoulder, sure to smack Rek in the face on her way, she was all smirking red lips and flashing eyes. The woman oozed mischief. There was something oddly familiar about her, as well, that had me eyeing her wonderingly. It was something in her face... I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Did I know her from somewhere? Her hair was different. I think...
“Joanie?” a soft spoken voice called over the din as Joanie attempted to approach me and Rek grabbed her arm and tried to jerk her back.
“No, Jojoanie! No! Stay! Bad wish!” Rek scolded.
“Hey, man, what’s the deal, beastie boy?” Joanie slapped at him. “Get your meaty mitts off me, Rektal! Fuzzy scuzz bucket... What’s the matter with you?
“Curse Jojo, too. No go. Be good. Be good for the once for Rek, Jo-jo-knee!!” Rek burst out, making to stand in front of her as if to protect her from me. The action surprised me, considering how loudly the two contradicted each other and constantly insulted and bickered. Did someone protest too much? His instinctive actions seemed to surprise the others gathering as well. Was this a new development?
“Here, Rosa! Come on, cos. You have gotta see what Fuzzenstein has done now. And he’s got Booger in on it!” Joanie shouted above Rek’s sudden growling grumbles. “Damn it, Rektal, you furry sphincter, let go! Keep your grubby paws to yourself!”
This cos, or Rosa, got one look at me and her jaw dropped. “What is going on here?! I don’t- You can’t- Untie her! Now! This instant!” Rosa, the now alarmed and disturbed cousin, a furry baby strapped to her back and another in her arms, a little furry blue tinted little one clutching her leg, purple eyes wide, glued to her side, was struggling to comprehend just what was going on around here.
The leg hugger and oldest of her three stared at me in wonder, as her chubby fingers clutched a dolly that looked oddly like Joanie, down to Joanie’s garish nails, leopard pants, ugly oversized purse, and red lips. Rosa was stunned but in no position to help me. That woman had her hands full of babies and then some. It didn’t stop me from entreating her for help—this shit was bananas!
“Help,” I squeaked, trying to wriggle, “they’ve kidnapped me! They’re crazy! The police know I was out following them! They’re Halloween ruining burglars! It’s all going to come out, all of it!”
“Babashaga,” the purple-eyed furry dressed kiddo murmured with an obvious lisp.
“Babashaga?” Rosa glanced down at her blue Yeti suit dressed child to ask.
“Wish,” the little one elaborated, kinda. A little hand lifted, pointed. God, they were really committed to the Yeti costumes. They even had the kids in on it!
“Wish, Kehko?” Rosa’s brow beetled into a deep frown. And then it clicked. Eyes widening to saucers, her head shot up and she gaped at her cousin. “A witch? How does she know what a witch is? Joans, what have you been telling them?” Her gaze darted about, going from Bauheg to Rek, briefly falling on her daughter, to shift back to Joanie. “Kehko, in particular?!” she demanded.
“Not nice tieded up, Mama,” Kehko whispered softly, a frown marring her brow.
“You’re right, baby, it’s not nice at all.” She offered the child a soothing smile, then glanced up sharply to glare at Bauheg. Louder, she reiterated, “It’s not nice to tie people up and drag them off. Not nice at all.” Gaze narrowing, she gave her cousin a pursed lipped stare.
“What?” Joanie lifted a hand questioningly. “I didn’t do it. Don’t look at me.”
When Rosa just stared at her cousin, Joanie’s smirk turned to a grimace.
“What?” Joanie shrugged. “Oh. Right. That.” Clearing her throat, starting to look a little guilty under her cousin’s intense scrutiny, her lips pursed into a puckered moue. Gesturing between Bauheg and Rek, she admitted, “Booger and Rek were trying to scare me with beast stories from crap out here, Krampus type stuff come to get me and take me away like the Zhu blue dudes, demonic sounding Lo denaii, being jerks.” Her hands lifted and she made a helpless gesture that had Rosa scowling.
“Not jerks. True. All true. Joansie just get scared,” Rek said with a sniff, speaking right over her, to dirty looks from both women. With a huff, he snapped his mouth shut and motioned for them to go on without him.
How gracious of him—har-har. Rek was a bit of a bossy butt. Too much for my liking. And also, would someone please tell me what the hell was going on? Where are we? What wacky hidden wannabe furries commune have I stumbled onto? I wanted to shout my demands but I really wasn’t in any position to. Untie self first, escape, screw the demanding of things. Get all their asses arrested.
Joanie had the audacity to lift a clawed fingernail at me and huff out quickly, like I was rudely interrupting or something, “We’ll get to you in a minute, meat on a stick, slow your roll, pumpkin buns.”
“Pumpkin buns,” I burst out, stiffening where I was basically non-impaled skewered between two poles like a weird human kabob. She had no idea the nerve she’d just trampled on, the horrible childhood memories at the quip about my hair.
Rosa’s head cocked as she eyed me, like calling me something so close to my childhood taunt had jogged a memory for her. She looked as if she was about to comment on it too when the problem at hand reared its ugly head again. Thank god for small favors. Turning on Joanie, Rosa fairly snarled, “You thought to tell my baby some wild tales you embellished to scare those two idiots?!”
“Pfft. Of course not. I told my little Keke girl the truth,” Joanie cooed down at the little one, who was smiling sweetly up at the woman, tiny fangs and all. “Good boys and girls get candy and treats from Happy Halloween witches, don’t they?
“YESSS!” the little one screeched happily. Then, as the thought occurred to her, “Rektal and Booger bad. Gots curses, yes, Aunie Jojo-me?”
“Yep,” Joanie agreed.
Rosa deflated some. “I- Oh.” Adjusting the sleeping baby in her arms to scratch at her chin, she’d lost most of her ire before muttering thoughtfully, “You were going to dress up as a witch, weren’t you... I think you’d said something about that.” A sheepish look crossed Rosa’s sweet face.
“Mm. Hmm.” Joanie’s head bobbed in a nod. “A treats only witch,” she added with a conspiratorial grin down at the little blue dressed baby.
Was this Keke being Sully from Monster’s Inc this year? There were no purple polka dots. I supposed it was a warm outfit. I mean, it was a lovely outfit, but I totally had questions. Most importantly, “Hello. Hi. How’s it going. Still sitting here tied up,” I pointed out, drawing the watchful gazes of Bauheg and Rek. Right—who the hell gave me permission to speak. How silly of me.
Honestly had to ask myself what the heck I was thinking. The rate they were going, I could let them all fall into madness and my butt could be focusing on getting out of this crap unhindered. I’d found a bit of wiggle room but I still had a ways to go. Grimacing like the ropes were too tight, I glanced up at the women. They’d slipped into a comfortable conversation, a discussion about what all Joanie’d told them, some convoluted tale of curses, witches, a variation of the actual tales of Baba Yaga through folk tales and television. Joanie should write a book with an imagination like that. And, with a bit more wiggling as Bauheg and Rek began to argue as if to defend themselves, I had a hand free.
Realizing Bauheg had propped the travois’ poles up on a large boulder, leaving me dangling there like a half dropped hammock, I got to work. With their backs to me as they began growling and gesturing wildly, I had my upper half free and was wiggling my shapely ass to freedom when one of the travois’ branches slipped. Rek glanced over, sparing me a quick look. Noting my escape, he did a double take and let out a bark of a shout.
Face wide with horror as he dove, I screamed as he launched himself bodily towards me. Tumbling to my side over the travo
is as my legs slipped free, my upper half tumbled down as my legs swung upward. Rek took one to the face, then another, flying back with the force of it. Gravity was totally my friend for once. I didn’t even whine or make a single plaintive sound when I hit the ground. How his makeup and prosthetic effects stuff stayed on his person, fake fang teeth and all, they must have been put in, on, whatever, really well, to stay.
Rolling, I only had moments and I knew it. I stumbled as I popped to my feet. Taking off, I was still sluggish and a little foggy from the crap they’d forced me to drink. I’d barely made it a few yards before a big brute burst onto the scene out of nowhere, like he’d just popped out of thin air from the damned boulders not so far ahead up the way, coming at me at a run, and we collided.
“Ow!” Grabbing at my face, I howled. What was he made of? Steel?! Clutching at my forehead, I groaned. I was so disoriented I tripped over some as of yet identified obstacle and toppled right onto the Yeti dressed linebacker. Grunting, I sat up, propping up on my elbows to glare down at the Yeti man with the deepest dark blue eyes I’d ever seen staring up at me in clear surprise.
“Not you too,” I muttered, huffing angrily to sit up and slide off of him. Dark eyes met mine and held, slowly venturing to the green on my face to lock onto it. “Not you too, too,” I added, rolling my eyes. “I’m not a witch,” I fairly shouted at him, before calming my ass down because I was totally yelling at a complete stranger. He had no idea what I was talking about. “Watch where you’re going, bub. And you better not be burglarizing with that pair of morons,” I warned, giving the oversized man the stink eye.
The man just stared at me, dumbstruck, as if he’d never been sniped at so snidely in his entire existence. Yes, he was tall, and big, and scarier looking than the other two, but he wasn’t threatening or actively trying to terrorize me. After all this crap, I was immune to it.
Pumpkin Bride: Brides of the Hunt: A Brides of the Hunt Holiday Novel Page 4