by Claire Adams
His thrusts turned wild, almost savage, fucking me with everything he had. My walls throbbed and fluttered around him when my second orgasm overcame me. I threw my head back with a shudder. He kissed my neck, teeth stinging my skin as he hurtled towards completion and then came forcefully inside me. The thrusts slowed before he came to a stop.
Our eyes met, and I felt it as clearly as if the words had just left his lips. I love you. I reflexively touched him, my fingers tracing over his soft, full mouth, the uneven bridge of his nose that he had broken once playing football. His high, hard cheekbone and stubbled jaw. He took my hand and kissed it softly. Gently, he eased out of me and rolled onto his back next to me on the blanket.
I sat up, shuffling down the blanket for my panties and jeans. We were back again. In our daze, the clearing in the woods had become secluded and private. It was like I had stopped feeling the wind and sun on my skin when we had been fucking; like they disappeared. I took my hoodie off and threw it over the closed picnic basket before going back to him. He held his arm out to me and embraced me into his hard chest.
"What are you doing this weekend?" I asked him, after a few moments of comfortable silence. He sighed slightly.
"Besides studying? Not much. Why?"
"I'm going to see my parents, and I want you to come with me."
"Cheryl and Rob," he said, "how have they been?"
"Good. I just thought maybe a change of scenery would help just before finals next week. They haven't seen you in a while, either."
"Hm. I don't know, babe," he said.
"Are you busy?"
"I'll see what I have going on," he said. That was weird. He sounded a little tired, distracted, or sort of stressed. Finals were coming up so I got it, but he had never said no to coming home with me before.
My parents were fans of his, and he liked them, too. We had spent a lot of weekends home with them. They had never let us to sleep in the same room at their house, but they were my parents, they weren't stupid. After almost three years of bringing the same guy home to them, they knew better than to think the two of us weren't intimate.
"Maybe during the summer?" I said hopefully. He grunted quietly, which I figured was a yes. I knew how it was with his summer training. I would understand if he wanted to spend as much time as possible at home and not with my folks. His training was starting a couple weeks into June, so he would hardly even have three weeks free before he had to report back.
It wasn't that important. I didn't want to push him. We had already had to cancel vacation plans; he had a lot on his plate as an athlete, I got it. My parents would get it, too. If things were really busy, I'd just bring him round for dinner or something when he had time. It could wait.
Chapter Three
Roman
Well, that was fucking easy. I didn't want to think that just in case I ended up actually failing, but I was optimistic…even though it didn't matter. Marketing and Organization was my last final, and maybe the A I was pretty sure I was getting in the test would mean something one day.
I joined the slow-moving stream of students leaving the classroom. Veronica was leaning against the wall watching the crowd, looking for me. I waved, getting her attention. She walked over to me with her hands full, a tall coffee cup in each. She said hi, handing one over to me. I took it gratefully, kissing her.
"How was it?" she asked as we started moving through the hall.
"Good. We're done," I said, brightly as I could. She had stayed on campus to wait for me, but she had already had her last paper in the morning. I was glad that she had because I needed to talk to her. Well, I had been glad about it before – now that we actually had time to talk and I would have to do it, not so much. I couldn't stall because we had to study anymore. The semester was over, and that meant time was up.
"You wanna come over tonight? Celebrate?" she asked.
"I kind of wanted to stay home. I've been pretty wiped out lately."
"Is everything okay?" she asked after a short pause.
"What? Yeah, everything's great."
"You've been different this past week." I took a sip of my coffee. I hated lying to her. I fucking hated lying to her.
"Yeah?" I asked distractedly.
"Like, I don't know...more distant than usual," she said. I could hear how sad she was about it in her voice. If she thought I hadn't been honest with her lately, she would be right.
"It was just the stress; you know, finals and stuff. No big deal," I said flippantly.
"You've had finals before," she pointed out. "It's never gotten to you like this." I wanted to tell her to drop it, just shut up because this wasn't the way that I wanted to tell her. We had been together for years, why the fuck had I ever thought I could try to hide something like this from her and think she wouldn't catch on? I was cracking and she could tell. I couldn't hide it from her anymore. I couldn't keep lying. The jig was up anyway but I fucking owed it to her at this point. It had to stop.
"I know. You're right," I admitted.
"I was just worried," she said. Good going, I thought, that was exactly what you never wanted her to have to do.
"Don't be. Listen. How about you come to my apartment with me?"
"It'll be nice to spend some time together when we aren't worried about class," she agreed. I had done some pretty shitty stuff in my life, but I was already sure this was about to take the cake. We walked to the parking lot together, her doing most of the talking. It was hard to pay attention while I tried to remember where the hell I had left my warning order. She had her car today, so she just followed me.
I let her walk into my apartment ahead of me when we got there, almost a hundred percent sure I had left the order in my room. Maybe it was a better idea to bring it out and let her read it herself. That way we could talk about it and she'd know exactly why I had been so distant, why I didn't want to see her parents and why we weren't going to Montana this summer. Yeah, no. Not going to happen. I knew what I had to do.
She dropped her backpack and sat on the couch, lying out on her back. She was here so often she had clothes in my closet. The only reason we weren't living together was she had a roommate, a nursing student in our year, and they had moved into the apartment together as freshmen. She didn't want to back out of the lease and ditch her.
That and the fact that since I was enlisted in the US Armed Forces, I could get a warning order to deploy basically whenever they felt like they needed me, and I didn't want a situation where that happened and she would be trapped in a lease alone… Basically what would be happening now if we did live together.
"Thank God that's finally over," she said.
It's now or never, I thought. You have to do it and you have to do it now. You bitch out and she has to hear it from Tiffany or your dad, and that would only make it worse. Just fucking do it now and you can leave knowing that you did the right thing by her.
"We need to talk, Ron," I said.
"What is it?" she asked, sitting up on the couch. Her eyes were round, and she looked so innocent and unassuming. It was almost enough for me to back out and tell her it was nothing. That I just wanted to tell her that I loved her, or hell, wanted to tell her the truth even. Just tell her I was leaving in three days and it was driving me crazy thinking I'd be leaving her behind. She was worried about what would happen to me when I was deployed? I was worried too.
But I had made the decision to enlist myself. I had been eighteen when I did it – we hadn't even met yet. I had chosen it knowing I would have to deal with the consequences. She hadn't. She didn't have to deal with not knowing what was happening to me while I was gone, whether I'd ever come back, whether I'd be the same person she knew when I did. I couldn't make her wait, and I couldn't make her worry. That wasn't my call, and she didn't deserve it.
"Look, I didn't want to do this before finals; it wouldn't have been fair," I started.
"Didn't want to do what?"
"This, Veronica," I said. I never called her by he
r full name, and I could see the effect it had on her. She stopped looking confused and started looking scared.
"What?"
"The two of us. It's not working anymore. I want to break up." I hated how steady my voice sounded lying to her like that. That was what it was, another fucking lie. I loved the shit out of this girl, but I had to make her believe that I didn't. I had to push her away, and I had to do whatever I had to in order to make her see that we couldn't work anymore.
"Break up? What are you talking about, Roman? Why?"
"You wanted to know why I've been distant lately." She looked hurt.
"Did I do something?" she asked. No, I thought. You're perfect, but that's why I have to let you go.
"It's been almost three years. We're different people now, Veronica."
"Where is this coming from?" she asked. "I thought we were on the same page. When did you start feeling like this?"
"That doesn't make a difference. I can't be with you anymore."
"You asked me to come here with you just so you could tell me this?"
"I thought you deserved more than a text," I snapped. She stood suddenly. Good, leave, I thought. Don't drag it out anymore.
"You thought I deserved more than a text? How fucking kind of you, Roman. You still haven't told me anything. This is totally out of left field – where is this coming from?" she stopped herself, looking at me. "Is there someone else?"
"At least I'm telling you before you found out yourself," I said spitefully. Her face drained. She blinked a few times, her eyes filling with tears. Everything in my body was telling me to go to her, hug her and make it stop. I was hurting her, but I had to do it. What she would feel waiting for me to come back from deployment would be much worse. It was for her own good.
"No," she said, shaking her head. "You're lying to me."
"Maybe I should have just sent you a fucking text," I spat.
"Why are you being so cruel?" Her tears flowed down her cheeks.
"It's over, Veronica. I shouldn't have to spell it out for you."
"What did I do?" Her voice was small and empty.
"Nothing. I'm not going to ask you to be my friend because that's just insulting. I just don't want to be with you anymore."
"What is it? Why? Am I holding you back?"
"Don't put words in my mouth, Veronica. I didn't fucking want this. I wanted this to be easy, and clean." I swallowed, the words didn’t want to come out of my throat. “I don’t love you anymore.” I practically heard it break, shatter, the last two and a half years together, in love and happy. I had just destroyed it.
"Easy and clean? The person you've loved for years suddenly telling you they're done with you? How the hell could that ever be clean?" She reached down for her backpack and started angrily towards the door.
"I'll send your shit over to your apartment," I said, not turning to look at her.
"No. Don't. That would be asking way too much. Just throw it out, I don't care. You can stop pretending that you do, too. But you know what? Thanks for telling me. Now I don’t have to lie to myself that any of this has been real." I heard the door open and slam closed. I was alone. I let out a ragged breath and felt my body unclench.
It was over. I had done it. Broken up with the girl I had been in love with for two and a half years so it wouldn't hurt her when I had to leave in a few days.
I didn't know what the fuck I had expected to feel when I finally did it. It would have been nice to feel like I had done the right thing but I didn't. I felt like a monster. She had been crying, heartbroken, and it was because of me.
I only lived a floor up. If I went after her now, I'd probably still find her backing out of her parking spot. No. I wasn't going to do that. It was this or make her wait... I had chosen this.
When did this start paying off? Because seeing her face, I didn't know anymore whether it was the right decision. If she wasn't attached to me anymore, I wasn't her problem. Whatever happened to me didn't have to worry her. She would be fine, I knew she would be. I just wasn't that sure about myself anymore.
Several hours later, my phone rang. I knew who was on the other end of the line before I looked. I also knew who I wished that it was instead. I answered; ignoring it wasn't an option.
"Hello?"
"This is Chief Hanson with the National Guard. How are you this evening?"
The last time I had gotten this phone call, I had gotten the warning order for my deployment delivered to my dad's house a few days earlier. That had been about a month ago, apparently a lot longer than most people got before they had to leave.
"Fine," I lied, "how are you?" I threw in even though he wasn't going to tell me.
"You and your battalion have been transferred to active duty. You have three days to report. Do you understand?" he said. I said that I did. He kept talking after that, and I just kept telling him okay. Okay. Okay, I'd be there. Okay, I knew I had paperwork to process.
We were being deployed in support of Operation Freedom's Sentinel for any duration up to eighteen months. I had to report Monday morning, 8a.m. Destination: Bagram Airfield, Afghanistan.
Chapter Four
Veronica
I wiped my cheeks angrily. I didn't want to anyone to see me like this. I kept my face down because if I did, I wouldn't see him when he came out of the apartment after me, apologizing and telling me he didn't mean any of the horrible shit he had just said to me. The part of me that wanted him to come after me knew he wasn't, but wanted it anyway.
I was in shock. The words he had said were still processing and it was like my body didn't want to make sense of it. He had said it was over, but how could it be? It was Roman. We were going to celebrate three years together in the fall. He was my boyfriend, my longest, best relationship. I loved him. I thought he loved me, too. He was my best friend after Tiffany. The person I'd shared my soul and body with for years, and now it was over?
Something inside me was rejecting it. No way...just no. There was no way that was it. I got outside and the cool spring air bit my wet cheeks. I knew I looked like I had just been crying and needed to get home. Maybe there this would make some goddamn sense. I got into my car and started driving. Thank God my car was working again. I couldn't imagine having to wait here for a cab or calling someone to pick me up, not when I was like this.
I wished I could drive past my place and just go home. Home was twenty-five minutes away, not that far, but my apartment was walking distance from Roman's place and that was too close. Physical distance between us wouldn't change what had just happened, but it would make it easier to pretend that it hadn't.
I wanted him to disappear. I wanted him gone. If he wanted to move on alone, then I'd help him. I didn't want to see him again. Never. I felt angry now. I was sad before, confused, then hurt, but now I was just mad. What the fuck? That piece of shit, how long had we been together before he decided to show is true colors like this?
And what he had said about there being someone else...
I didn't want to think about it. I couldn't do that to myself. If there was somebody else, I'd just get checked out to make sure he hadn't given me anything. I’d thought I knew the guy, but obviously, I had no idea who he was if I hadn't seen this coming. That meant I couldn't trust that he'd be smart or considerate enough to wrap it up if he had been sleeping with someone else.
It made sense, though, now that I thought about it. He had canceled the vacation plans we had been making because “he wanted to spend his limited off time at home.” He hadn't wanted to see my parents because “he had a lot of other stuff going on.” He had been distant because he was waiting for the right time to fucking dump me.
I unlocked the door of my apartment and let myself inside, calling Deana's name to see if she was home. She wasn't. She was alright as a roommate, but I doubted she would want to be around me when I was feeling like this. I went straight to my room, dropping my backpack on the ground and face-planting into my bed.
What now? I c
ouldn't do anything. I didn't want to lie in my bed and think about him, but how could I not after what had just happened? He had hit the brakes so hard and so suddenly, I was still careening out of control. It just didn't make sense. He was one of the things I thought I could be sure about. I felt secure with him, in love and proud of the friendship and love we had built that was thriving... Or at least had been.
I couldn't take it anymore. I cried. All my anger and frustration escaped, and I broke. I hated him so much for what he had said to me, but it was no match for almost three years of loving him with everything I had. He hadn't been my first, but he had been the first person I had slept with who made me feel good afterward, like it wasn't a mistake or could have been better. He felt part of me, so obvious there couldn't have been a time that we weren't together because the two of us fit so well.
I couldn't do this. I felt like shit, but how the hell could the first thing I did after Roman dumped me be lying in bed crying about it? I felt so weak already, I was just going to make myself feel worse. I got to my feet and took my hoodie off, trying to figure out what to do with myself.
A shower. I always felt better after taking showers. I could start there and once I was out, I would be able to do something other than lie in bed being pathetic. I had pulled my t-shirt up over my head when there was a knock at the door.
I dragged myself to my feet and went to get the door. Tiffany was standing on the other side, phone in hand. She didn't look like someone who had just come out on the other side of finals week. She was a tall girl and had no problem making herself even more imposing with heels. I was guessing that we didn't feel cold the same way because she somehow wasn't freezing outside in tights, a short skirt, and a light sweater. It was spring, but it was still a little windy in the sixties. She was the best and worst person who could have possibly walked through my door.
It wasn't her fault that her dark, almost black hair and blue eyes were traits she shared with my now-ex, but I was a little mad about it, I couldn't lie. They were siblings, she couldn't help that they sort of looked alike.