by Claire Adams
“I don’t mind, Mrs. Smythe; whichever hymn you prefer.”
“I’m just not sure, Father…” She may have gone on all day, but at that moment, the Bishop walked in with two other priests I didn’t recognize. I jumped to my feet, and Mrs. Smythe’s eyes widened as if God Himself had just walked in.
The Bishop smiled at her, and she giggled like a schoolgirl and raced out. He landed his steely gaze on me then…minus the smile. “Father Jace, this is Father Michael and Father Richard. They work at the diocese with me in the investigations unit. Can we speak with you for a few moments?”
“Of course, Bishop O’Dell. There’s not much room in here; would you like to go into the conference room?” My palms were suddenly sweating. There was only one reason why the Bishop was there with two church investigators.
“That will be fine.” We went down the hall and once we were seated around the table, he said, “It was brought to my attention that you’ve been…allegedly…having sexual relations with a woman. I have to say that I really hope it’s not true; but you have been seen with a woman, the same woman, on more than one occasion, according the reports. You can confirm or deny this for us, or we’ll have to open up a full investigation.”
My first instinct was to lie and deny it. God, I’m not only a bad priest, I’m a terrible Catholic. Lies and deceit seem to come so easily to me lately. I can’t lie to him. I need to just get this over with. I need to man up and take the consequences.
I opened my mouth and suddenly I heard myself telling my brother that I was looking for a sign. Maybe this was it. Maybe remaining quiet and letting them investigate was going to be my best bet.
If they couldn’t prove anything, I could leave the church without a scandal. Daphne wouldn't say anything and I didn't know who thought they know what, but no one had seen us have sex, so they could not prove it.
“I don’t have a problem with you doing an investigation, Bishop. But now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a couple coming in for their pre-marital counseling right now.”
“No, Father Jace. You are suspended pending the investigation.”
I felt sick to my stomach. Maybe that was my sign.
Chapter Forty-Three
Daphne
I texted Jace for the third time that day and he didn’t respond. I was beginning to get worried. He knew that I had to work, and he’d said he would try and come by after he finished at the church. It wasn’t like him to just not show up and not call. I tried calling him again; his phone just kept going straight to voicemail.
I had a really bad feeling in my gut, but I had to get to work. I tried convincing myself that he was just busy…that had to be it.
I went into work and we were busy because, as usual, we were short a server. Every time I got a break, I would check my phone, but still nothing from Jace. I was really worried. I was even getting a little snappy with my customers, which was not good.
Finally, when the night was over, I couldn’t take it any longer. I had to see him and know that he was okay. I drove over to his apartment and knocked frantically on his door. I was both relieved and anxious when I saw him. I was relieved to see that he was okay…but as soon as I saw his face, I knew that something was very wrong.
Chapter Forty-Four
Jace
I sat all afternoon, staring off into space and trying like hell to figure out what to do. I was also trying to figure out how they knew. The only people I had told or even let onto were my brothers. I knew the Diocese didn’t find out from them.
My mind toyed with the idea that Daphne set me up…but why? I can feel how she feels about me, can’t I? Would she get angry enough at me for not leaving the priesthood for her that she’d do something like this? She said she’d support me no matter what. Did she mean it?
I had pretty much already decided to leave the Church, but I didn’t want it to happen like this. Daphne would be dragged into it even if she wasn’t the one who ratted me out. There would be a huge scandal and with social media, it would be spread from coast to coast in a day’s time.
Maybe I was a fool for choosing the investigation. Maybe, had I just admitted it, they would have covered it up.
I jumped when the knock came at my door and broke the extreme silence in the room. I got up and looked through the door. It was Daphne, as if I’d conjured her up with my thoughts. I pulled the door open and, as soon as I saw her in the flesh, I lost it. “Who did you tell?”
Her face looked genuinely confused. “Tell what? What are you talking about?”
I looked around to see if anyone was listening and then decided this was not a conversation for in front of the apartment. I took a hold of her arm and guided her in the door. Once it was closed, I said, “About us, Daphne. How does the Diocese know I had sex?”
Her mouth fell open, and she looked shocked. “They know? What happened?”
“Never mind that right now, Daphne. I thought you cared about me.”
“God, Jace, I do care about you. I didn’t tell them. I wouldn’t do that. I can’t believe you think that I did.” I ran my hand through my hair and said,
“I just don’t know what to think; but it’s over now. What a mess.”
She didn’t say anything to that. She looked shocked, but I think she was also angry with me for accusing her. I guess she had a right, but I was not in the frame of mind to take it back.
She took a deep breath finally and said, “I care so much about you, Jace. I would never do anything to compromise your life. I told you leaving was up to you. I meant that.”
“Then if you didn’t, who did, Daphne? Who else knew?”
Her eyes widened, and I could see the exact moment she made the connection. “I told my friend Bethany.”
“The one you work with?”
She nodded. “She swore to me she wouldn’t tell anyone.” Daphne was on the verge of tears. I hated that my anger was making her cry, but I was still too upset to come outside of myself and comfort her. “I begged her not to tell. She promised me…”
I couldn’t believe she told anyone, but at the same time, who was I to judge? I told my brothers because I needed to tell someone…she probably did it for the same reason. “You didn’t tell her on purpose, did you? To get me forced out so that you and I could be together?”
Now she really looked like she wanted to cry. I didn’t think her tears were from sadness, though. I think she was just so angry with me for the accusations.
“How could you think that? You say you thought I cared about you? I thought you cared about me! How could you even consider that I would be that devious?”
I took a deep breath. She was right. It would hurt me if she accused me of something like that. I was just overwhelmed and frightened. I was taking it out on her. “I’m sorry; I don’t think you’re devious at all. I had a bad day and there are going to be a lot more to come. I’m sorry I took it out on you.”
“What happened?”
“The bishop came in with his investigators. They said they had a report that I’d been dating and having sexual relations with a woman. I didn’t confirm or deny it; I just said I would cooperate with the investigation. They have suspended me in the meantime.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. I could see the wheels turning in her head and finally, she said, “Were you still thinking about leaving…and us being together?”
“Yes, but I wanted to leave on good terms. I still wanted to be able to practice my Catholicism without being looked on like a pariah. I also didn’t want you drug into the latest gossip binge.”
“How would they prove it?”
I shrugged. “If you deny it, then they can’t.”
“Then I’ll just deny it.”
“But, they’ll be expecting it. So then, they’ll interview parishioners and other clergy and your name will be dragged through the mud in the process. I don’t want you to have to go through that.”
“What are your options?”
“I can take my chances a
nd wait for them to finish the investigation, which will probably go on for months. I can tell the truth, and if I don’t accept retreat and counseling, then I’ll be stripped of my vows. Or, I can bow out before any of this happens.”
“What do you mean, ‘bow out’?”
“Tell them that the priesthood isn’t for me, anyways, and that I’d like to save them an investigation and scandal.”
“So, which do you think is your best option?”
“I really don’t know,” I told her.
Chapter Forty-Five
Daphne
Jace and I talked for a long time. By the time I left, I’m sure he had no doubts that I didn’t do this maliciously. But, he was still worried about how it would all come out and torn up about what to do about it.
I hated seeing him that way. I felt helpless and really angry with Bethany for stabbing me in the back. I called her as soon as I got home, but she didn’t answer. I left her a message and just asked her to call me back. I didn’t want to ask her anything in a message. I wanted to hear her voice when she told me that she did this, and why.
The next morning as I was straightening up after breakfast, she called me back. “Hey, girl! What are you doing?”
“I’m just straightening up, what about you?”
“I just came from my work-out. It was a good one today. It kicked my butt, though.”
“I’ve been thinking about joining a gym. How do you like yours?”
“It’s okay; there aren’t many in town, but I think this one is the best.”
I couldn’t do this. I just had to get it over with. “Did you go to the Diocese about Jace after you promised me that you wouldn’t?”
“What?”
“Please don’t act innocent here, Bethany. Who did you tell?”
She was quiet for a long time before she said, “I’m sorry, Daph. I’m so sorry.”
“Who did you tell? You promised me.”
“I know! I’m so sorry. I’m just a big gossip. Sometimes I don’t think before I open my mouth.” She sounded like she was on the verge of tears. Good, maybe it will make her think before she opens her mouth next time.
“Bethany, who did you tell?”
“This woman at the gym. She and I were talking, and she mentioned him…out of the blue. She said their church had a new priest and I said, ‘Oh, ours, too.’ We figured out we went to the same church. Then it just slipped out.”
“It slipped? How loose are your lips?”
“Daphne, I’m so sorry. Please, don’t hate me. I never meant to hurt you…or him, honest.”
I was furious with her, but at the same time, I could see that as with me telling her and starting this whole thing, she really didn’t have any malicious intent.
“Daphne, what happened? How did you know I told someone?”
“Because that someone went to the Diocese and Jace has been stripped of his duties while under investigation.”
“Oh, shit!”
“Yeah, you got that right. Poor Jace is a wreck. I’m so scared for him. He’s a good man, he’s just been confused and it wasn’t entirely his fault. I’m scared for him.”
“Oh, damn! I’m sorry. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. I am so sincerely sorry.”
I was on the verge of telling her she had done quite enough when I stopped myself. She didn’t mean to hurt me or Jace. Jace and I had to accept the consequences of our actions and it wasn’t Bethany’s fault. “I don’t think there is, but thanks,” was what I ended up saying.
I could hear the relief in her voice as she said, “Please call me if you hear anything.”
I didn’t hear from Jace for the next few days. I knew he was struggling and he was probably busy with the investigation, but a text or two would have been nice.
I felt like I was losing my mind sometimes, and at the same time, I was relieved that I hadn’t heard from the church yet. I didn’t think I could lie when in a room face to face with a bishop and a couple of priests. I would try, for Jace…but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t do it well.
Since they hadn't called me, I was beginning to hope they wouldn’t. Maybe they haven’t figured out yet that it was me. I didn’t think Jace would ever tell them. I might know that better if he would talk to me.
The church, unfortunately, is one of the biggest gossip mills around and I hadn't heard anything there yet. No one seemed to know what was going on. I did hear that it had been announced Jace would be away for a while, but never said why. There was a visiting priest covering for him.
I didn’t hear any of that first-hand. I got it from my customers who knew I attended their church.
I hadn’t been to church in a couple of weeks. I wanted to hear that they never found out, or they did, before I showed up with a scarlet letter on my chest. I did not want to find out when people were already whispering and giggling about me as I walk by. It wasn’t that I really cared what they thought about me, but I hated to think about the things they would say about Jace.
Then there was the simple fact that I missed him so badly that I ached. I was probably just being paranoid, but I was afraid that if people saw us together, I wouldn’t be able to hide how I felt.
So with all of this playing in the background, I went to work and I went home and I worried myself almost to death.
I also had to wonder why I couldn’t just stay away from him like this in the first place…then we wouldn’t be in this place. Maybe I hadn’t stayed away because then it was just lust. Lust is hard to ignore…but now I was pretty sure I loved him and staying away was what was in his best interest, and I wanted him to be happy more than anything.
I was pretty sure I was hopelessly, madly, head-over-heels in love with him and I was also pretty sure that he loved me, too.
Chapter Forty-Six
Jace
I waited nervously in the outer office for Bishop McDougal. I’d beat my brains trying to find the right decision. I kept waiting for a sign, but when I really searched within myself, I found out that I truly believed just meeting Daphne was the sign. I never should have been in that bar and it wasn’t a normal place for her to be, either…but we were both there.
I put everything together that had happened over the past couple of months and the way I was feeling about my choices and my faith after Grandmother died, and I finally came to the conclusion that there was no right and wrong. God gives us free will and that free will was telling me to follow my heart.
My heart was across town, with Daphne, and that’s where it wanted to stay.
“Father Jace? The Bishop will see you now,” his secretary said as she took me into his office. I took a chair opposite his desk and looked at the religious artifacts along the wall behind him. I still got a feeling of peace in my heart when I was in or around a church. I wasn’t as worried anymore that God and I wouldn’t be okay. I felt He’d given me His blessing.
I took a deep breath and I said, “How are you, sir?”
The bishop looked at me like he was waiting for me to drop a bomb. He thought I was there to confess. I suppose I could have, but I didn’t see the point. God knew what I had done. His opinion, and mine and Daphne’s, are all that really matter.
“I’m fine, Father,” he said. “What can I do for you?”
I knew I was doing the right thing, but from childhood, the leaders of the church had been my male role models. Sitting face to face with him and telling him this was different than practicing it in my head.
Quickly, before I lost my nerve I said, “I was wondering if I should step down and save the church the annoyance and embarrassment of having me investigated. I know these things can often take months, if not years, and you won’t be able to put a permanent replacement in place until it’s over. I want to do what’s best for the church. I also think that at this point in my life, it would be best for me.”
He raised a bushy gray eyebrow. “You’re willing to just give up your calling that easily?”
I sighed
, “May I speak frankly with you, Bishop?”
“Please do.”
“For some time now, since the death of my grandmother, I’ve had serious struggles with my faith. At least, I thought it was my faith.
“But, with much soul searching and praying I think the conclusion that I’ve come to is that it’s not my faith I’m struggling with. It’s my choice to become a priest. I was a confused kid when I decided to do this. It was what my Grandmother hoped for me, as well. I wanted to please her and I felt safe here. I thought that was enough to justify taking the vows.
“I think, though, that I finally realized that I don’t have to be a priest to be a good Catholic, and I think that’s where I became a little lost and confused. I thought this was what I needed to do in order to have a relationship with God, but I don’t believe that’s true any longer.
“So, since I have these issues with the investigation and all, and I’ve already been considering leaving…maybe now would be the best time to go and just make a clean break. It would probably save us all a lot of embarrassment and trouble.”
He nodded slowly. “I hear what you’re saying. There’s no sin in deciding this isn’t for you and walking away…as long as you’re okay with God. I will offer you counseling, Father Jace, and I will encourage you to examine yourself more deeply than you ever have before. This is not a big step; this is a huge, life-altering step.”
“I do realize that, sir. I have dug down deeper than I ever have, and I do believe this is the right thing…the only thing for me to do.”
“Okay, I will begin the process with the Diocese and we will call you for your exit conference when everything is ready. I’m sorry to see you go, Father, but we all have to do what’s right for us, as well as the church.
“I appreciate your honesty with me about this and I do appreciate you doing this now before we went through the effort and expense of a lengthy investigation.”