by James Graham
Silvester Oh, right. Yes, of course.
Esher Posture, man. People aren’t afraid of a man who slouches. (At his drink.) What’s this, single malt?
Atkins It’s a blend.
Esher Going to the dogs, this place. I’ll be in the Smoking Room, let me know when that banshee is exorcised from my office.
He exits. Atkins takes out a phone wire cable from his pocket and smiles, dumping it in his bin.
Atkins The ‘spoils of war’. (Reading Silvester’s file.) You were in advertising.
Silvester Yes. Well, sort of.
Atkins You either were or you weren’t.
Silvester I was.
Atkins It should help, of course. Called to the bar, I see.
Silvester Gray’s Inn.
Atkins He’s right about your posture, you know.
Silvester I’ll work on it.
Atkins Do you prefer Fred or Frederick?
Silvester Fred’s fine.
Weatherill enters, clutching his folder. Sharply dressed, as ever.
Weatherill Oh, Chief. How boring, this whole thing.
Atkins So I’m starting to realise. Jack Weatherill, Governm – … Opposition Deputy Whip; Fred Silvester of / Manchester Withington –
Weatherill Oh, Manchester Withington, formerly Walthamstow West, yes, hello.
Silvester How do you do. Gosh, what a fine suit, I must say.
Weatherill Oh, thank you.
Atkins Yes, Jack has many a fine suit – (Looking up at his painting.) This look alright, here?
Weatherill (handing Silvester a card) Family are tailors by trade, place up on Savile Row. You should pop along. I don’t mean – not to imply that you need to.
Silvester No, of course.
Weatherill But, you know.
Atkins Fred was about to begin the annual game of musical chairs, weren’t you, Fred.
Silvester Yes – oh, right, yes. (Exits.)
Weatherill (calling after) Have fun. (To Atkins.) Seems a good sort, bit wet behind the ears.
Atkins So were we all once. They dry out. (Goes to adjust his chair, and realises it isn’t adjustable. Tutting.) Oh. The chairs, for God’s … (Sighs.) I swear, Jack. This is but a temporary situation. It’ll be over my Christmas.
Weatherill Hm, ‘over by Christmas’, where have I heard that before?
Government Whips’ Office.
Mellish Obviously the Tories are gonna vote against us every time, all the time, so what then? (Looks around. A sense of him ‘grooming’ the quiet one, here …) Michael?
Cocks Uh, well. Our only hope of getting bills through the House is the odds and sods, drawing ’em over to our side. Walter, he’s built up the contacts, made the relationships –
Mellish We all have to have those relationships now, can’t just rely on Walter. And Michael’s right. A ‘rainbow’ coalition. And as you know, at the end of the rainbow is a pot of gold.
Harrison Oh, lovely, Chief, beautiful.
Mellish That said, the world and his wife gives us about as much chance of lasting the spring as an Austin Allegro climbing a hill –
Harper I’ve sold it! So fuck off.
Mellish In fact we might even be the shortest government that e’er bloody lived –
Cocks But we can still lose votes in the Commons and survive, can’t we? Only way we can be booted out is losing a Vote of No Confidence.
Mellish Bingo, we lose a Confidence Vote, our PM is forced to go to the Queen. Historically rare, obviously, because governments normally have a majority. Well we don’t.
Opposition Whips’ Office. Atkins at a board, same figures. Weatherill and Silvester.
Atkins Naturally there is a way for Parliament itself to boot out a government, and that’s a No Confidence. If more than half the House join us against them, we force them out, but to get to that point is politically tricky; they have to be seen to be incapable of passing bills.
Weatherill All comes down to the odds and sods then, right? Tug of war. I mean, I know traditionally we’re more averse to ‘deals’ than Labour, but given the state of affairs –
Atkins No, I agree, needs must.
Weatherill And I see no reason why Walter Harrison should have sole monopoly on cross-party relationships in the House. I th – I really think I could try shifting the balance.
Atkins Very well, Jack, I release you from your binds, go forth and multiply.
Silvester (with a diary) Or better still, make sure most of the odds and sods can’t even be here in the first place? Because, well. Scottish school holidays start a week before ours, if we manage to table some votes for then, any Scot Nat members who’d support their first raft of bills will be stuck at home, along with Labour Scottish MPs.
Weatherill My word, that’s a strike above the bowler’s head if ever I saw one. Bravo, Fred.
Atkins (gathers things) Alright chaps, The Usual Channels are now open, it’s time to ride out into the field. And remember, our one advantage is our, um, oh how do I put this so it won’t sound … I can’t, our ‘class’. Labour Whips are foul-mouthed, brutish, trade unionist thugs.
Government Whips Office. ‘Finance’ now written on the board.
Mellish … bunch of toffee-nosed, arse-licking, dick-wanking wankers, sorry Ann, with silver spoons in their mouths and rods up their arses. Full of Baronets and Major Generals, their weakness is their inflexibility, so exploit it. (Checks watch.) Speaking of which, the aristo-twats will be on their way now. I just want Cocks and Harrison, newcomers bugger off.
Harper (exiting, with Taylor) Have fun, chaps.
Mellish Walter, feet or arse?
Harrison Feet, I thought, pacing on this angle, arms folded, ‘Threatening concern’. (Demonstrates pacing with ‘threatening concern’.)
Cocks I say it’s all in the chairs, their mistake when we’d come here is letting us sit together so we can pass notes. Let’s perform the old Trafalgar, split the fleet, me between these two –
Harrison Lean forward too – Atkins and Weatherill, they’re ‘recliners’, it’s all this – (Sits, shows.) Leaning back, legs crossed, like a fucking Jane Austen character, swooning –
Mellish I know, I’ll do the old ‘I’m busy but good busy’ at my desk, / keep ’em waiting.
(From a knock at the door.) Walter, tell a joke – come in!
Harrison – Leeds United.
The Government Whips laugh politely as the Opposition Whips enter.
Atkins Afternoon, Gentlemen.
Harrison How do, Humphrey. Jack. New boy.
Atkins Shall we begin?
Together, the three Opposition Whips sit, cross their legs and open their files. Slick.
Beat. Cocks and Harrison take up their position, Cocks leaning forward, between Weatherill and Silvester. Harrison perched on a desk, near Atkins.
Mellish is shuffling around some papers on his desk. He scribbles a few notes –distracted. The Opposition Whips patiently wait. Weatherill dusts down his trousers.
Mellish OK. Would you like to kick off?
Atkins Mmm – no, that’s OK, you start.
Mellish Alright, we were looking at this, Rates Bill to open on the 17th, Social Security 20th, Health and Safety Bill the 21st.
Atkins Aha. (Writing. A while.) … Yes, doesn’t work for us, Social Security; that last week of April would be preferable –Harrison, wouldn’t you like a chair, can’t be doing your back any good.
Mellish Few days before Easter, surely you’re worried about getting your members in?
Weatherill Hmm – no, actually, and it gives the Bill longer in committee, so the 26th then?
Mellish Oh wait, look, Scottish school holidays then so Scots MPs will struggle to be here.
Atkins Oh, that’s a shame. Still, can’t revolve around seven Scottish Nationalists.
Cocks Well we’ve got Scots in our party too, as have the Liberals.
Atkins I don’t think we have any Scots in our party, do we Jack. Any Tory Scots?
Weatherill No, not one.
Harrison Do your private school kids break up the same week as our state school kids or is that different too?
Atkins Well done, Walter, three minutes in and you’ve already played the class card, I think that’s a record. I take it the swearing is due to flow shortly as well?
Harrison Bollocks, bugger, piss.
Atkins How lovely, you know walking into here is like walking into a Noël Coward play, isn’t it, Jack? Michael, do you have to lean so far for – Doesn’t anyone from the north know how to sit on a chair? It’s very simple, just imagine it’s like a hay bale or coal sack, it’s exactly the same principle, you’ll get used to it.
Harrison Oi, you, that’s slander that is. (Moving to sit in a chair at a desk near Cocks.) Right that’s it. Michael? (Handing him a pad and pencil.) Take this down –
Cocks presses the peddle, lowering Harrison’s seat, handing the pad pack.
Harrison Thank you.
Harrison, Cocks and Mellish burst into laughter. The Tories sigh, though perhaps Weatherill struggles not to smile?
Harrison Eh, adjustable chairs! Kept them quiet, didn’t yer?
Mellish OK, look, I think we all know what’s happening, so just come clean, what do you want?
Atkins Three more Opposition supply days and Health to be on the 18th not 21st.
Mellish Two supply days, and yes to the 18th.
Atkins and Weatherill Done.
Atkins (standing) Gentlemen, that was thrilling. Nice try on the chair formation too, big fan of Trafalgar, aren’t you, Jack?
Harrison Ta ta ladies – looking beautiful as ever, Jack.
Cocks Actually, Jack, I’ve got a hole in my coat, would you mind sewing it up for me?
Weatherill Mm, I don’t think I have any ferret thread actually, but I’ll check. Ta’ra.
Beat. Harrison goes and opens the adjoining office door.
Harrison Ann! Joe!
Harper and Taylor enter. Mellish hands out cards.
Mellish Right, time to haul in the odds and sods, OK? Your job is to be like ghosts. Ninjas –
Harper (hand chop) Ha-yah!
Harrison (hand chop) Whup.
Mellish Floating through conversations, hiding in dark corners, your job is to listen. (With two books.) This one – secrets, financial problems, marital crises, things members want help with, or better still, will vote with us to keep secret. This one – hobbies, passions, anything they can be tempted with. Because as of today we’re in the process of making deals, it’s a system that survives on honour and trust, so use it. Joe, you take the Scots. Walter, the Irish –
Harrison Yup.
Mellish Ann, I want you to charm the Liberals, I’ve a gut instinct. Michael, try the Welsh.
Cocks The Welsh? All two of them?
Mellish Yes, all two of them, as important as the rest; these numbers. Hop it, the lot o’ yer.
Harper and Cocks exit, Harrison nips into the adjoining office, offstage.
Mellish (on the phone) Percy, I’m off to No.12 half an hour, I’ll need the car – Ann, could you just wait, one tick? (Phone again.) And get Angela to bring any casework too. Ta. (Phone down.) Here’s your region card, I’ve given you the North-West. These are our MPs, Labour, and now your responsibility, they’re the sheep, you’re the shepherd. Don’t ever bloody let on these lists exist. Members can’t stand the idea they get ticked off like shopping. If they’re not in to vote when asked, you’re responsible. We’ll only try to pair the dying or ministers off on duty.
Taylor ‘Pair’, right. Sorry. Remind …
Mellish It’s a sort of gentlemen’s agreement, ‘pairing’, goes back … well, for ever. When one of our lot can’t be here to vote due to, say, severe, and it has to be severe, illness, that or government business, it’s understood a member from the Opposition who would have voted the other way will sit out, so cancelling out each other’s vote.
Phone rings, he answers.
Mellish. Angela, hi – (To Taylor, from his pocket.) Here’s your screwdriver, keep it with you all times.
Taylor Oh. Erm –
Mellish (on the phone) Yep, No.12 this afternoon, and I need you to move my Friday 1.0 to Monday 2.0. Ta. (Phone down. To Ann.) Flushing – take the top corridor north.
Taylor North top what?
Mellish Toilets. Flushing. When a vote’s called and the division bell rings you’ve eight minutes to get members through the lobby; each whip takes a toilet, go in and try and work out if the feet in the cubicle are Labour or not, if they are, flush ’em out. What else – oh, committees. Each bill has a committee stage after the second reading, amendments and changes are voted on there too, I’ll pop you on Pensions, nothing too mad at first. OK?
Harrison (out of the adjoining office) Irish are in the Strangers’, and have been since noon. Christ, I’m going to have to line my stomach. (Exits.)
Taylor Well. I suppose I was wondering … why me?
Mellish Why not? Quick up the party ladder, only 26, already made waves, no-bloody-brainer.
Taylor I suppose I’m just wondering … it’s obviously all quite … well ‘macho’. In here –
Mellish Oh, well, thank you.
Taylor And I just didn’t want to feel like the … oh, well, look, you know what. The ‘token girl’.
Mellish Well you are, though. (Off her look.) What? I’m the token cockney geezer, I get on side the other cockney geezers, Walter Harrison, he’s a Yorkshire Bruiser, he gets on side all the Yorkshire bruisers, I’ve got Lancashire good cops and East Midland bad cops, what I ain’t and never had is a one of you. Politics is representation, end of the day, eh?
Taylor Fine. Just don’t feel you have to tone it down –
Mellish Sod that – a bird in the office? We’ll be cranking it up. (Leading her out.) Like football?
Taylor Bolton Wanderers.
Mellish That’s a no, then.
Exiting with her …
Scene Two
Around the Lobby: the Strangers’ Bar, the Smoking Room, the Terrace, St Mary’s Crypt.
Speaker The Members for Belfast West, Belfast North, Armagh and Fermanagh!
Strangers’ Bar. Harrison with the Irish members. Belfast West, the ringleader.
Fermanagh Bartender!
Belfast West The thing is, Walter, I hope you know what you’re asking us to do here.
Fermanagh If I’d known there were so many bars in Parliament, I’d have stood for election years ago, you know?
Belfast West I mean asking us, us, me, to blindly support you, the British Government – well you know, the ‘sort of’ government, bless yers – I hope you know what you’re actually asking. I mean Frank’s pub in Lisnaskea gets more fire bombs than it does friggin’ punters.
Armagh I’m happy to consider an arrangement, Walter, but it’s got to be give and take, you know? We’ve got to get something back.
Belfast North Like the boundary changes.
Belfast West Enough with your boundary changes, nothing wrong with the boundaries –
Armagh And the pipeline –
Belfast North Ooh yeah, the pipeline.
Harrison I can promise our door will always be open, nothing is off the table to our friends.
Belfast West Most of us signed up to abstain on bloody everything – protest.
Harrison Abstaining we can handle, just don’t walk through the lobby against us.
Belfast North So le – let me get this straight. You want us to do nothing, as soon as possible? (Thinks …) Alright, done.
Belfast West I’ll tell you what, nationalist though I may be, I’m still a Labour man at heart –
Fermanagh (at his beer) I can’t see how you keep the prices so low. What are your margins –
Belfast West On behalf of / the people of Belfast West –
Armagh (to Fermanagh) Christ on the cross, don’t tell ’em. They’ll hike it up.
Belfast West Would you stop your jabbering, I’m talking
politics here.
Fermanagh Yeah, but there’s a time and a place.
Belfast West It’s a weekday afternoon in the House of Commons!
Fermanagh I stand by my original assertion.
Belfast West What I’m saying is: for asking so nicely, I’ll vote with you, for now, and we’ll see how we go. OK?
Harrison Smashing! And, ay up, look, I know it’s a bugger, travelling over here, leaving the family, so remember, you get flights and hotels for the missus. We can bring ’em over to stay, three times a year.
Fermanagh (lowering his drink, exchanging glances) Don’t you fuckin’ dare!
Government Whips’ Office. Harrison steps to his blackboard, wiping figures from the opposition side, reducing their total. He heads out, Taylor and Mellish closely behind him, getting ready to vote.
Mellish It’s what makes our job so hard, it’s about flesh and blood at the end of the day, you vote with your bodies. You can’t phone it in from China, can’t send it through the post, can’t even stay sat and raise your hand. Unless you put one foot in front of the other and pass through the lobby, you don’t count. It’s archaic, it’s old-fashioned, it’s bollocks; but somehow it works.
Speaker The Question is, that the Rate Support Grant Bill be now read a second time.
The Division Bell rings.
An element of music may begin to creep in over the votes here – building in momentum.
In the lobby. The ‘Aye’ lobby to one side, the ‘No’ lobby to the other; in each, a tight spot on a Teller, sitting like an umpire in a high chair, holding a clip board.
Members begin filing by, right to left, as the Teller counts them – on the ‘Aye’ side, Harrison waving and cajoling his Government supporters through; on the ‘No’ side, Weatherill doing the same for the Opposition.
The Speaker stands in the Chamber.
Speaker Ayes to the right, 292. Noes to the left, 217. The Ayes have it. The Ayes have it.
Harrison punches the air in delight. He and Weatherill glare at each other.
Speaker The Members for Western Isles, Argyll, Dundee East and Stirlingshire!
The Tea Room. Harper drinking tea with the Scots. Western Isles their Party Leader.