by James Graham
Taylor (re-entering) Chief, there’s uproar amongst the odds and sods, The Liberals, Welsh … all of them saying they won’t be voting with us again. They ‘can’t be associated with cheats’.
Cocks Oh brilliant, so … (At the board, tapping away.) All the odds and sods gone, and we can’t pair, with our lot, if we can’t pair – ! Fuck it!
Cocks hurls his papers across the room and exits, followed by Harper. Silence.
Taylor Walter, you need to go see Atkins now, repair the damage.
Harrison Oh ‘I need to’, is it? ‘I bloody need’?! … Sorry.
Taylor What, can’t take it from someone with boobs and no bollocks?
Harrison Oh fuck off, giving me that. Got bigger bollocks than anyone else here, Ann.
Taylor Because I tell you something, if there’d been more of us in there, there wouldn’t have been scenes like that tonight. We’d … we’d knock your bloody heads together.
Harrison (beat) Look, give … give me a sec.
Taylor leaves. Harrison takes another glass and pours in a whisky. His hand shakes as he downs it, spilling some. He places it down, wipes his mouth and exits into:
Westminster Hall. Weatherill is pacing through, Harrison catches him up.
Weatherill Look, forget it, Walter, there’s nothing I can do!
Harrison I just want to talk about this – ! Would you hold on a second! Christ, it’s nothing that you wouldn’t do or haven’t done –
Weatherill (stops, turning) That I would do?! You cheated. Walter. I don’t care about the technical ‘this and that’. You bloody cheated. (Beat, studying him.) Hah … my God, look at you. You’re actually scared. ‘Walter Harrison’. We’ve got you, haven’t we … ?
Harrison It is a centuries’ old system, you can’t just stop pairing, you don’t have the right –
Weatherill Oh ‘centuries’ old’, ‘thousand years old’, ‘you can’t do this’, ‘must do that’. (Sighs. Looks up. Around.) Westminster Hall. Oldest part of Parliament. The stuff those rafters have seen, eh?
Right over there? It’s where they set up the trial for the execution of Charles I. God’s ‘representative’ on Earth. God. ‘For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory … ’
But we said from now on … we would rule ourselves. And off went his head …
‘We can do it better,’ they said. Hah. Well, sometimes …
I’m sorry, Walter. No more cooperation, the Usual Channels are closed. And No More Pairing.
Harrison Jack –
Weatherill No, Walter! That’s it! You want help with your sick and your dying, forget it. You’ll have to get them into the lobby your bloody self from now on. And the Best of British to you.
The chimes of Big Ben sound. Harrison looks up, towards them …
The Westminster Clock Tower.
Cocks stands looking through the panels of the Clock. The bells sound around him, the hands moving around the face. Suddenly, the bells stop, and the hands slow to a clunking stop.
Beat. Cocks looks up at them …
Blackout.
Act Two
Scene One
In the Commons’ Chamber.
A new Speaker replaces the old one in the chair – who returns now to the Members’ Chorus.
Speaker Order. ORDER! We are now in session.
The Westminster Clock Tower.
Cocks with the Clockmaker. The giant clock face is under repair, the hands stationary.
Cocks Come on, you must have an idea. How long we talking?
Clockmaker Well, it’s never happened before has it? It’s the speed regulator. Torsional fatigue, been going for over a hundred years, gave up the ghost. Be summer, earliest, I reckon.
Cocks Sum – ! Oh, please tell me it’ll be up and running for the Jubilee.
Clockmaker It’s a clock, Mr Cocks. They break. What’s it matter?
Cocks What’s it … ?! Ha ha, yes, no you’re right, not important, eh, it’s not a, a, symbol of anything, doesn’t mean anything, only carried on ticking through all the bloody, all the great wars, the biggest crises, any time our backs were against the wall, oh yeah. And you’re telling me now for no reason it’s just stopped?
Clockmaker It’ll just take time, Mr Cocks.
Cocks Ha. Right. Yes. (Looking at the face.) The one thing we no longer have.
Speaker The Member for Batley and Morley!
A Commons office, rearranged to include a makeshift bedroom.
Harrison and Lady Batley enter with Batley. Overnight gear, breathing apparatus …
Harrison Here we are, your suite, sir, madam. ’Ere, give me that. Sorry it’s not the Savoy.
Lady Batley Oh well, look at this. Ha. Oh, this’ll do us fine, won’t it, Alf? Better than fine.
Batley (frail, looking around) Huhuh. I don’t believe it, look at … Who, whose office is it?
Harrison Member for Greenock’s. We couldn’t convert yours, it’s tiny –
Batley Oh God, what a pain in the – hate being such an awkward bugger –
Harrison Oi, what did I say? He didn’t mind swapping, it’s no bother.
Lady Batley Let’s get you down in this chair, come on. / Few puffs of your air.
Harrison I’m the one who feels bloody awkward. I’m sorry it’s come to this. But they aren’t pairing still, so I’m afraid it’s all members, all the time, no exception.
Lady Batley (applying his mask) Oh, you’re preaching to the converted here, Walter. He’d crawl through the lobby dead if he had to. I’m the one trying to hold him back. Well, at least we don’t have to worry about toing and froing. You’ve made it very comfortable for us. (Sits on the bed.) Is this a double? Looks smaller. Try and get on ’ere, Alf, see if we fit.
Batley lowers himself carefully. They lie down together, close, facing each other.
Lady Batley Oh, see, that’s no problem, is it? Just have to get nice and cosy, eh? No funny business though, Doctor Broughton.
Batley gives her a tickley-cuddle and they laugh. Beat. She touches his face, softly.
Harrison Alright, Burton and Taylor, knock it off.
Lady Batley (laughing, getting up) Eh, this Big Ben business is causing a bit of a ding-dong, isn’t it? Ha, eh, ‘ding dong’. (Laughs.)
Harrison Awh, very good.
Batley Ooh, don’t make me laugh. (Coughing. Air.) Dear me.
Harrison Nah, press are having a right old time with it, good distraction if you ask me.
Batley Radio … (Air.) Radio 4 not quite the same though, all pips and no bongs.
Harrison Oi don’t try and fool anyone you listen to Radio 4, Doc.
Batley How dare you!
Harrison (leaving) Right. You wait here, I’m off to try and work out how to get the Defence Secretary back from bloody Ireland. First vote’ll be around 10.15 p.m., Docks Bill. One of our boys and one of the aristo-twats opposite will be up to ‘nod you through’, OK?
Batley Where … (Gasps of air.) Where do we order room service?
Harrison Up my bloody arse.
Government Whips’ Office. Harrison steps in. Cocks and Harper study a map. Taylor on the phone.
Cocks Right, listen up, flight from Belfast is not for an hour so there’s no way – what is it, 6.15? So we spoke to the PM, he’s getting the RAF to lay on a jet.
Taylor (phone down) No, Hunter Jet’s off, they’re all on this side of the water.
Harrison Oh arse.
Taylor But the RAF say they can strap on an extra fuel tank to a helicopter at the base fourteen miles from the Minister, and that might get him here, just.
Cocks Joe, get on the phone to the Ulster Constabulary, I want all the traffic lights fixed in his favour to get him to the base, no reds, all green.
Harrison (looking at his watch) It’s gonna be close, and they won’t be happy.
Cocks Tough. Every vote counts.
Harrison Every vote counts.
He steps out into –
Members’ Lobby.
Bumping into Weatherill.
Harrison Oh, evening, Mr Weatherill, alright your end is it, all OK? We’ll have every single one of ours in once again, tonight.
Weatherill By hook or by crook, I take it.
Harrison Proved we can though, eh? Against the odds.
Weatherill Pride commeth before the fall, Walter.
Harrison And fifty nicker commeth my way, presently. Three years down, mate, two to go.
Weatherill steps into –
Opposition Whips’ Office. Atkins, Weatherill and Silvester. Working, scribbling, filing.
Atkins The Lady is not happy.
Weatherill Oh dear – Fred, work through those, would you?
Atkins She can’t really understand why they’re still alive, over there. A minority in the House again and with the absence of pairing. And yet no huge defeats; even, can you believe, some victories. It’s like a game of ping pong, we win by one, they win by one, lose by two, we lose by two, nothing that rocks the boat enough to call for No Confidence.
Weatherill To be fair, they’ve defied all expectations and are actually getting their chaps in.
Silvester Not even ‘in’, technically, they’re arriving in taxis and ambulances and being nodded through from New Palace Yard. Can’t we put a stop to nodding through? We did to pairing.
Atkins No, if they’re infirm and within the grounds they’re entitled to the nod, we have to honour that. What the Lady wants is more aggression, determination. And with that, some new blood to the Whips’ Office.
Silvester Really? Some young blood?
Esher (enters, calling in) I’ve intercepted the Chelmsford chap, he’s awaiting orders, sah!
Atkins Thank you, Colonel, let him in, would you?
Mather Right away, sah! (Exiting.)
Atkins I didn’t say young, I said new.
Silvester Oh God.
Speaker The Member for Chelmsford.
Chelmsford enters.
Atkins Norman, mum’s the word, but you’ll be getting a call, Shadow Cabinet, another move.
Chelmsford Oh right, smashing. (Rubs hands.) Lovely, I knew I could rely on her.
Atkins Shadow Arts.
Chelmsford … Hmm, come again?
Weatherill You had hinted you wanted a move.
Chelmsford Yeah, up! Not down!
Weatherill But you love the theatre, museums, you’re our biggest patron of the lot.
Chelmsford Yes, but – oh hell! Shad – ? That doesn’t even sound like a position. Makes me out to be a sodding, bloody wizard – the ‘Shadow Arts’.
Atkins Come on, Norman, you know how it works; they’re likes snakes and ladders, reshuffles. Like a box step; you know what a box step is, don’t – well, ha, you will soon. If one first takes a step forward, cha-cha-cha, one then has to take a step to the back, cha-cha-cha. Now be a good chap, look surprised when you get the call.
Chelmsford sighs, and exits.
Atkins Right. ‘Docks Bill’, more burning of cash we don’t have, lets try to put this fire out, eh?
Speaker The Member for Liverpool Edge Hill!
Government Whips’ Office. Hive of activity, Cocks, Harrison, Taylor and Harper sitting, Liverpool Edge Hill down and helping him staunch a minor blood flow through his shirt.
Harper You’ll be fine, don’t you worry. ’Ere, sit.
Liverpool Edge Hill I know, it ju – ow, it just stings a bit.
Cocks We really appreciate it, obviously, this won’t be forgotten.
Liverpool Edge Hill The doctor really did think I should have stayed another night, you know, Michael. I mean, removing an appendix, it’s not like taking your shoes off –
Speaker The Member for Welwyn and Hatfield!
Welwyn and Hatfield enters, holding a baby, crying loudly, followed by the Serjeant at Arms. The lobby buzzing outside.
Serjeant Chief Whip, we have a bit of a problem.
Welwyn and Hatfield No, there’s no problem. Michael? –
Harrison Oi, oi, oi, Helene please, what the bloody hell, bringing / a crying baby in here.
Serjeant I’m afraid we’ve had a complaint.
Taylor Complaint? Who from, what?
Welwyn and Hatfield Shush, / it’s alright, Freddie, there there.
Serjeant The Honourable Member, here, was seen engaging in … in – / she was reportedly –
Welwyn and Hatfield Oh for God’s sake, just say it, half the country have them. Breasts!
Serjeant … breast- feeding in the Lady Members’ Room, to the consternation of other female Members who observed the said event taking place –
Welwyn and Hatfield Well, I’m going to have to do it somewhere, aren’t I? Aren’t I?! You want me here, in the House, you can’t pair me off and send me home? Fine, this is the result; this is it. Deal with it. (To baby.) Shh.
Taylor Well, it’s alright, flippin’ ’eck, just do it in here.
Harper Here?! Get your … in the / Whips’ Office?
Serjeant It is against Palace rules to allow, you know, to ‘expose’ oneself in, in –
Welwyn and Hatfield Oh, for the love of –
Taylor Michael?
Michael Yeah, just –
Serjeant – in that manner, and to permit non-members into the Chamber during a sitting.
Welwyn and Hatfield Oh but please, he’s got such good grasp of fiscal policy.
Serjeant This is, it, look, no other mother has ever had recourse to bring her child, a, a baby / into parliament, so I don’t –
Welwyn and Hatfield Well, I’m doing it now, sod it, sod it! Michael, if you can’t slip me out as a pair then I’m slipping these out as a pair; here and now, there’s no choice. You tell me what else I’m meant to do, eh? Barely a week out of hospital, and –
Serjeant I will have to report this to the Commons Services Committee.
Welwyn and Hatfield So bloody well report me, do it. I mean it, Michael. Walter. I need to attend to my baby, so am I staying and doing my job, or am I going home?
Serjeant I’m going to have to go and tell them something.
Cocks Serjeant.
Serjeant What?
Cocks Tell ’em she’s getting her tits out in here and they can all fuck off.
Beat. Serjeant frowns. Exits in a crap huff.
Welwyn and Hatfield (beginning to undo blouse) … Thank you.
Taylor Blimey, you lot. Babies in the Whips’ Office now, talk about sacred cows.
Cocks Ay, well, once the first hole appears in the dam …
Harrison (surveying the scene) Jesus, would you look at it; Whips’ Office has turned into an A&E-cum-daycare-centre. You alright there, Arthur?
Liverpool Edge Hill is staring at Welwyn and Hatfield breast-feeding.
Cocks / Harrison Arthur.
Liverpool Edge Hill Hmm? Oh no, yes, it’s fine, nothing to, erm …
Taylor Might get a blue plaque, Helene. ‘Welwyn and Hatfield, at this spot. First to breast-feed in Westminster.’
Welwyn and Hatfield I don’t want a plaque, I don’t want anything I’m not … I’m not a flippin’ martyr, I’m not flying any flags. I don’t want to be here, I want to be at home –
Cocks I know, Helene, I’m sorry, we’re trying, they’re not budging, they’re –
Welwyn and Hatfield Well, something has to give, there’ll have to be system, a place where –
Cocks You’re right. We’ll sort something.
Taylor Bloody hell, you can turn around, Joe! It’s only nature, you’re a father yourself!
Harper Yes, but I didn’t do that bit, did I?!
Cocks Joe, it’s quarter to ten, go get the nodding-through done with the aristo-twats.
Speaker The member for St Helens!
New Palace Yard. St Helens is wheeled in by a Paramedic to Harper and Silvester.
Harper Ah, there he is, Fred, see. The member for St Helens in the Palace grounds. (Taps Silvester’s notebook.) You have to nod him through.
Paramedic Our staff a
re not best pleased about this, gents. To put it mildly.
Silvester Well, hold on, I don’t mean to be … but … (Waving his hand.) ‘Hello’? Is he even alive?
Harper Doesn’t matter, Fred, there’s the bell, and he’s here. And Nobody Dies in the Palace of Westminster’. Ha ha. (Looks up; the sound of an approaching helicopter.) He’s made it …
Silvester What? No, I don’t believe it.
Harper Mansfied. He’s here. He’s bloody well made it … ! (They run off.) He’s here!
Speaker The member for Mansfield!
Lobby.
The Government Whips push Mansfield in. Opposition Whips run in the other side.
Harrison Whey-hey, well I’ll be, turns out Belfast is actually just north of Watford, Humphrey.
Mansfield tries to speak. Nods. Bends down, gasping for breath.
Weatherill Using the resources of the armed forces, Michael? For party political reasons?
Ann Oh, no, he’s preserving his democratically elected right to vote on national legislation.
Silvester Six minutes to the lobbies close, Chief.
Cocks Six minutes! Mansfield, get in there, you lot, get flushing quickly!
Toilets.
Harrison bounds in and looks under the cubicle door – two feet dangle under one. He enters the cubicle next door and stands on the lid, peering in. Beat.
Harrison Doc? (Beat. Scrambles down.) DOC! Hold on, don’t worry …
Harrison takes out his screwdriver, working at the hinges. He gets the door loose and lifts it off. Batley inside, is sitting on the toilet looking weak. Harrison hoists him up.
Harrison Doc?! What you doing, where’s the missus? Just hold on, we’ll get you to hospital.
Batley No, the … lobby. Get me to the lobby.
Harrison Don’t be daft, man! Fuck it, and you’ve been nodded through, haven’t you?
Batley No, I’ve … been in here, they … they di –
Harrison Forget it, we’re going to the hospital –
Batley (finding the strength to shout) Just get me into that bastard lobby!
The Lobby. Teller in his chair. Rolling through on a conveyor belt of Members, the picture is noticeably changing from earlier – some shuffling or being aided through, in some cases, including Batley, lifted and carried by the Government Whips.