by James Graham
Harrison Right! Battle stations, Chief, let’s get cracking.
Cocks So. (Looking at the numbers.) Can we do this? Can we win it?
Harrison Not with just our lot, we’ll need the odds and sods, as many as we can. Let’s show the bastards, five full years, right?!
Taylor Yes! Come on! Nearly there!
Cocks Right! One for all and all for one! … Sorry, that was shit.
Harrison OK, let’s hit that rainbow. I’ll start with the leprechauns.
Speaker Members for Belfast West, Belfast North, Armagh and Fermanagh!
The Strangers’ Bar with Harrison.
Armagh We’ve already said we’ll abstain.
Harrison No, we need you to actually bloody well turn up and walk into the ‘no’ lobby with us.
Fermanagh No? I thought yous were ‘aye’?
Harrison Blinking Nora! Please don’t get the lobbies mixed up! This is an Opposition motion, so we want you voting No, saying that you have Confidence in us, right?
Armagh Look, we’d like to keep you fellas in, but we’re gonna need something to take back to our constituents and say, look, this is what we got, ain’t it grand? Like the pipeline –
Belfast North Aw, the pipeline would be smashing; that’s been on the cards for years.
Harrison I’ll see what I can do, right? And I know my man Belfast West will be walking through the right lobby, never put a foot wrong all these years, eh, Gerry?
Belfast West Well you know, it, it, it … (Pause.) It’s tricky, isn’t it? Voting on little things and tiny what-have-yous, it’s different, isn’t it? But … but voting to actually keep the British government in power that’s … that’d be a little harder to sell back home. You … you know?
Harrison Don’t pull my pisser, you. I know you won’t let us down at the last hurdle. Bar keep!
Speaker The Member for Roxburgh, Selkirk and Peebles!
Taylor with Peebles.
Peebles You’ll have perhaps two Liberals. Maybe three. The rest need to be seen to stand up to you, to keep their seats. They won’t budge.
Speaker The Member for Western Isles!
Weatherill and Atkins with the Member for Western Isles.
Atkins Come on now, that’s twice Labour have failed Scotland. It’s time to join with us!
Western Isles Look. We’ll walk in with you if only to save our own seats. Nothing more.
The Clock hands turn rapidly under news snippets. ‘Will today be the first time in over half a century a government falls at the hand of Parliament, rather than the people … ?’
Opposition Whips’ Office. Atkins, Weatherill, Silvester and Esher.
Atkins OK, the drill, every single one of our members are coming here to register and are not permitted to leave the building after six o’clock under any circumstances. Jack?
Weatherill (at the board) We’ve got the Scots, are working on the Welsh. Irish are unpredictable and there’s no news on Batley yet.
Atkins Fred, I want someone from a local association at Leeds train station immediately, if he sees Batley getting on a train down here I want to be the first to know.
Speaker The Member for Batley!
Harrison gets a phone call from Batley, away in his own space.
Batley Walter? It’s the Doc.
Harrison Doc! How are you?
Batley Yeah, shh, the wife she doesn’t … (Intake of air.) doesn’t know I’m … Look, how we doing, numbers wise? Do you need me down? I’ve got me bags packed, but, Walter, there’s, there’s newspapers outside, they’re all … (Intake of air.) … they’re all watching.
Harrison Doc, you … (Beat.) You don’t sound too good, mate –
Batley Never mind that, right? Just say the word … and I’m there …
Harrison puts the phone down. Steps into –
Government Whips’ Office: Harrison, Cocks and Taylor. Activity.
Cocks (clapping) Alright, today’s the day, get with it! I want Alf Bates stationed in Members’ Lobby, Jock Stallard in the Strangers!
Harrison Chief, Belfast West is wobbling, might need to dig deep to get him through.
Cocks Dig deep, / what do you mean? –
Harrison I reckon we can get the Welsh with this mining compensation and the rest of the Irish with the price commission, / just so long as –
Cocks Hell’s teeth, Walter, we can’t be cutting our nose off to spite our face. For starters, how’s about we just make sure all our lot are in, eh? What about the Doc?
Harrison It don’t matter about the Doc, we won’t need him if we get the odds and sods.
Cocks Walter –
Harrison Just get Belfast West, will you? And we’ll be fine.
Speaker The Members for Armagh and for Belfast North!
Guy Fawkes Cellar, Taylor and Harrison set up a table for Armagh and Belfast North.
Armagh The Guy Fawkes cellars? Ha. Isn’t that ironic? Centuries ago, they plotted here to bring the government down, and now here we are, plotting to prop you up.
Harrison Ann will go through the agreement on prices with you, you just have to sign and date and then we’re good to go, alright?
Speaker Member for Fermanagh!
Cleaner’s cupboard. Light bulb and a stool. Harrison jostles Fermanagh in.
Harrison There! Now no more wandering off! I’ll be back soon.
He hands him a bottle of whisky and closes the door.
Around the Palace, all whips in full flow, bumping into various members.
Speaker The Member for Welwyn and Hatfield!
Harrison Good to see you, Helene, alright for tonight?
Welwyn and Hatfield Front of the queue, don’t worry.
Speaker The Member for Chelmsford!
Atkins Norman –
Chelmsford Ah, Chief, just off to Sheekey’s, bite to eat.
Atkins No, not tonight! No one leaves the Palace grounds, eat here.
Chelmsford Eat here?
Atkins Norman!
Chelmsford sighs.
Speaker Armagh and Belfast North!
Guy Fawkes Cellar. Harrison running back in.
Armagh (holding the paper up) Oh look, it’s green. We’ve signed it in green ink, can’t have that, an historic, what-d’yerma-call-it. No, people’ll laugh at us, we have to write it out again.
Harrison (handing them a pen from his pocket) Oh, for God’s sake, quickly!
Speaker Belfast West!
The Westminster Clock Room. Cocks and Belfast West.
Belfast West Well. Would you look at that. I didn’t even know you could stand behind it.
Cocks I’ve, uh … never brought anyone up here. Before. It’s sort of … my place … But, erm … look, Gerry. I won’t try and, and bloody … hoodwink you or swindle you, I’ll just ask you. Will you walk into the lobby with me tonight?
Belfast West (beat; looks at the clock) You know what that feels like to me? It’s like an all-seeing eye. Looking out, across the four corners of the Kingdom. Watching. Well, a lot’s changed, Michael. I can’t ever forget this is an imperial parliament. And that just won’t do any more. I’m sorry, Michael. I truly am.
Speaker Fermanagh!
Harrison runs from here to the cupboard, opens the door, light on, takes an empty bottle from Fermanagh and replaces it with a full one, exiting, closing the door.
Government Whips’ Office. Cocks wipes out the score replacing the totals: ‘0’.
Cocks So, if we’re right, and who bloody knows, eh? Then we’re about tied, 311 to 311. That’s without the Doc.
Taylor Well. Let’s give him a call then, there’s still time.
Harrison Whoa, whoa, wait, we just need to dig bloody deeper, don’t we, win a few more of the odds –
Cocks No, no, it’s too much, no more offers, no more deals.
Harrison ‘No more – ’? It’s what we do, Chief. Oi, I’m breaking my back out there! The most important thing is stopping them getting in. Because they will, Michael, we go to th
e polls now and she will. And I don’t want to live in her country, right? Don’t be the man who could’ve stopped that but didn’t.
Taylor I don’t understand, we’re one man down, and the Doc wants to come.
Harrison Ann, it’ll kill him!
Taylor He’s an old whip himself, he knows the game! What time is it? I’ll drive up, myself, sod it. It’ll be fine, we’ll look after him, I can get there and back in time. / Just let me, please.
Harrison No, Ann! Michael?! I’m not having it, right?!
Taylor Michael?!
Harrison We said there’d have to be a line somewhere and this is it! This is the line.
Taylor After four and a half years, to get this far and it all be for nothing? This one last thing and we’ve made it, Michael …
Cocks (beat) No. No. Not like this.
Pause. It sinks in to the room.
Taylor Well. I’d better go see if I can twist a few more Liberal arms, hadn’t I?
Cocks Don’t try too hard, they’re flimsy and break easily.
Harrison Hold on … (A thought.) Hold on a bloody minute –
He runs out, into –
Opposition Whips’s Office. Weatherill is putting on his new jacket in what is another brand new suit. Smoothing it down. Resplendent in his ‘victory attire’. Harrison enters and closes the door.
Harrison I need a pair.
Weatherill (pause; then he laughs) You’re not serious.
Harrison Batley and Morley, he can’t come, and it’s an honourable tradition that you pair someone off.
Weatherill I don’t have anyone to pair him with. Everyone, of course, is here. Of course.
Harrison Then just pick one. And take them out. I’m demanding it.
Weatherill Oh? Oh. You’re demanding it. Oh sorry, well I better had then, hadn’t I? I can’t do it, Walter, for heaven’s sake. Imagine what the Lady would do to the person who didn’t walk in tonight? Career over, that’d be it. Now how do you suggest I pick that person, hmm?
Harrison I don’t care how, I’ve got the Doc at death’s door and I’m not, not going to ask him to come down. What, you want me to ask him to come, is that it?!
Weatherill … That isn’t fair.
Harrison Well, what the bloody hell is?! Eh?! I’m asking you, as honourable man –
Weatherill I can’t quite believe you’re / putting me in this –
Harrison – to honour the system, and to take someone out!
Long pause. Weatherill smooths down his jacket. Looks down at it, for a second.
Weatherill Alright. You’ll get your pair.
Harrison Who?
Weatherill What does it matter?
Harrison No, come on, I want this in writing; who?
Weatherill … Me. I’ll do it. I’ll step out.
Harrison …You? You’d … Oh, don’t try and pull that with me, Jack, right? Cause it won’t work –
Weatherill I’m not trying to pull anything, Walter, you’ve a right to ask for a pair and you did; and I’m giving you one. There.
Harrison (long beat) Oh, bloody hell … It’s all I ever wanted. You know. Other folk what came in with me. All talking about Cabinet posts, and … and the ‘top job’. This is all I ever wanted. To be in the engine room. And I have … bloody loved it … Do you know, I think it’d all work fine, this thing. British democracy. If it weren’t so damn reliant on people. People who get ill. Get sick. People who change their mind, who forget who they are, what they want. People who fall in love, with the wrong … people …
Pause.
This conversation, it never happened, right?
Weatherill Sorry?
Harrison Forget it, no pairing. I didn’t ask.
Weatherill I’m offering myself here, you’re going to turn this down? –
Harrison Yeah. I am. And if you ever bloody tell anyone, I will hunt you down like a dog, understand? We keep this between ourselves until one of us pops our clogs. I have a reputation you know.
Weatherill (smiles; offers his hand) Alright. (Shakes.) I plan to long outlive you, anyway.
Harrison Bollocks.
Weatherill Fifty quid?
Big Ben chimes.
Speaker The Question is … that this House has No Confidence in Her Majesty’s Government. Lock the doors!
The Members pile off the benches, and vote.
Speaker Ayes to the right … 311. Noes to the left … 300 … and 10! (Above the din.) The Ayes have it! The Ayes have it! Motion carried! That this House has No Confidence in Her Majesty’s Government!
Opposition Whips’ Office: Atkins, Silvester, Mather and other Tory Members dance around, cheering, popping champagne. Weatherill breaks away, ever so slightly conflicted.
Government Whips’ Office: Cocks, Taylor and Harrison, standing in their own spots. Silence.
Cocks I … I can’t think what to, er –
Taylor It’s alright, Chief.
Cocks Just. Can’t believe that’s it. Over.
Harrison Well. It might not be, eh? Might end up back here, / live to fight a –
Cocks Oh, don’t bloody well, bloody ‘manage’ me, Walter, I’m not one of your sheep. We’re not coming back, that’s it. We lost, I lost, I’m … sorry,
Harrison Oi, don’t you dare. Ann, you an’ all, chin up.
Taylor …
Harrison Right, you pair! Here, now. That’s a three- line whip, that is, no arguing. Here.
He pulls them together, arms around them.
Four and a half years. They only gave us four bloody weeks. Eh?
Pulling away.
Right, what time is it? I’ve, er. Got to go for a little drive.
Harrison steps into –
Lady Batley. Leading Harrison over to Batley in his chair. Asleep. Mask on.
Lady Batley You shouldn’t have driven all this way, you look like death warmed up.
Harrison I know, it’s just. I want it coming from me.
Lady Batley (carefully waking Batley) Alfred … Alf … you’ve got a visitor …
Batley (turns; sees her, then him … through his mask weakly) Did we … win?
Harrison … No, mate. I’m sorry.
Lady Batley Get to retire now, though, Alf. So that’s good, eh?
Batley … By … how many?
Harrison Doesn’t matter by how many, does it?
Batley … How … many …
Harrison (beat; kneels down, takes his hand) By one, Doc. Lost by one …
Oi, nowt could’ve been done. Right? No bugger’s fault. Nowt to be done …
Batley, through his mask, starts to sob. Harrison leans in.
Members’ Lobby. Atkins wandering through, Cocks entering too, meeting a Clerk who begins stripping him of his black case, keys.
Atkins No hard feelings, I hope. Michael. You know. It really was an extraordinary achievement. Staying that long. Despite everything.
Abingdon enters.
Abingdon Well done, Chief. Off to win Abingdon again. Let’s bring this one home, eh? (Exits.)
Atkins Good luck, Airey, see you in four weeks.
Cocks Well, assuming the electorate pick your lot, quite honestly you’re welcome to it.
Following in the wake of where Abingdon exited – the sound of an explosion, a blinding flash of light, casting Cocks and Atkins as silhouettes against it …
Against the clock face – a soundscape of emergency services, and news snippets featuring Airey Neave’s assassination. ‘The Member for Abingdon’ – ‘An IRA bomb planted in his car’ – ‘The first time an attack has infiltrated the boundary of the Houses of Parliament’ –merging into announcements from the 1979 election, and Margaret Thatcher seizing power.
Government Whips’ Office. Atkins replaces the painting in the office from the opening. He exits, leaving Weatherill with Harrison, who is packing his boxes to leave. Weatherill moving in.
Harrison Majority of 43? Well done, Jack. That should see you well. Get stuff done, eh?
<
br /> Weatherill Yes. Well. Shame in a way. I’ll miss the excitement.
Harrison Well, you know what you’re doing, you’ll be fine.
Weatherill Well, I learnt from the best. (Then feels awkward.) Anyway. I was sorry to hear about the uh, the Doc. Was it his lungs that went in the end?
Harrison No, actually, it was his heart. So. (Handing him some money.) Here. Fifty quid.
Weatherill No, don’t be silly Walter, honestly it –
Harrison Oh, don’t talk so soft. I’d be taking it from you if it were other way round, believe me.
Weatherill (beat; takes it) Thank you. (Another beat. Holds it up.) Drink?
Harrison Oh, bloody hell, yeah.
Weatherill Michael not around?
Harrison No. No, we all need somewhere to go …
Exits, closing the door behind him
The Westminster Clock Tower: the face of the clock looming large and high. Hands turning…
Cocks stands, with his back to us, staring out through the glass.
Blackout
Acknowledgements
This House is inspired by real events, but it should not be understood as a biography or historical record. While trying to remain true to the events, this is of course a fictional account. Some incidents and characters have been altered for dramatic purposes, and, naturally, the conversations that happen behind closed doors are imagined by me.
For those interested in learning more – here’s what I read and who I spoke to.
INDIVIDUAL SOURCES
I am most indebted to Joe Ashton, former Labour MP who served as a Whip during this period. His book Red Rose Blue: The Story of a Good Labour Man was one of my first ‘ways in’, and Joe has been so generous with his time (and anecdotes). His own play Majority of One, inspired by the same parliament, played at the Nottingham Playhouse in 1988.
Other politicians who kindly gave their time in interview were Lord Bruce Grocott, who was invaluable for his insight, not to mention his tours of the house; Sir George Young, the Leader of the House of Commons and Conservative Whip during the period; Lord Ted Graham, former Labour Whip; Alfred Bates, former Labour Whip; Lord Philip Norton, an incomparable authority on constitutional matters; and Baroness Helene Hayman.