by Tim Federle
Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night can keep two scheming lovers apart. In James M. Cain’s noir novella, a drifter falls hard for a local lass with a dangerous pout and a body for sin. Trouble is, the drifter’s new boss happens to be his new girlfriend’s current husband, dubbed The Greek. You’ll go postal for two-timing murders, killer dialogue, and S&M chatter that can still steam up an e-reader screen. Pair it with our bubbly Greek cocktail and you’ve got yourself a first-class package.
1 ounce ouzo
1 (12-ounce) can cola
Pour the ouzo over ice in a highball glass and fill to the top with the cola. Yes, those are bells you’re hearing.
REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS PABST
REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS PAST (1913–1927)
BY MARCEL PROUST
If at first you don’t succeed, try submitting your 1.5-million-word manuscript again. Such was the fate of Proust’s monumental seven-volume novel (which might as well have been called Remembrance of Literally Everything Past), initially rejected by publishers who are now kicking themselves in the grave. A thoughtful exploration on the tricky nature of time-telling, one passage has gained particular fame: Proust’s narrator describes his sudden transportation back to childhood after tasting a madeleine soaked in tea. Take a journey to simpler times with a delicate summer drink that’ll have you recalling your first secret sips of beer. And pair this drink with as many cookies as your memory demands.
6 ounces iced tea (Earl Grey is best)
1 (12-ounce) can beer (like Pabst Blue Ribbon)
1 lemon wedge, for garnish
Pour the iced tea into a pint glass and fill to the top with the beer, squeezing and dropping the lemon wedge into the glass. Now, kick back on a hammock, toss back a few madeleines, and pull out those old journals—or start a new one. (Beginner bloggers, just remember: the Internet is forever.)
BRIDGET JONES’S DAIQUIRI
BRIDGET JONES’S DIARY (1996)
BY HELEN FIELDING
So what constitutes a classic, anyway? We say anything that gets people reading, sharing, and, in the case of Bridget Jones’s Diary—a British smash turned international vacation read turned swoon-worthy movie—belly laughing. Reading just like your own diary, only with double the cigarettes and half the men (we’re being nice), Bridget tells her Pride and Prejudice–inspired tale as a thirty-something singleton on the prototypical quest for real love—and a smaller dress size. With a nod to her ongoing list of New Year’s resolutions, we go bubbly with a relatively low-cal daiquiri that even Bridget would enjoy. Do your duty and have one for her.
½ cup large, fresh strawberries (about 4), washed
1½ ounces Champagne
½ ounce lemon juice
½ teaspoon granulated sugar
Remove the greens from the strawberries—this is a drink, not a salad—and combine them in a blender with the Champagne, lemon juice, sugar, and a handful of ice. Blend until smooth and serve in a cocktail glass. And now? Take a sip of courage and let’s finally create that online dating profile.
ROMEO AND JULEP
ROMEO AND JULIET (CIRCA 1599)
BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
With the play’s original title sounding like Shakespearean surfer slang—The Most Excellent and Lamentable Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet—this melancholy romance is for anyone who has fallen in love with the hot boy from the other side of the tracks. Who can’t relate to the star-crossed lovers, doomed from the start by parents who, like, just don’t understand? With a tragic, poisonous finale, this historic work created the mold, inspiring not only adaptations (West Side Story is just R and J with Puerto Rican accents and jazz hands), but also an entire road map for young-love stories. Fall under the spell of a drink so spring-like and peach-fuzzy, you might be forgiven for not realizing its full effects.
6 sprigs fresh mint, washed
1 teaspoon light brown sugar
½ ounce peach schnapps
1½ ounces bourbon
1 (12-ounce) can lemon-lime soda
In a highball glass, muddle the mint, sugar, and schnapps until the sugar dissolves like a relationship over summer break. Add ice and bourbon, and fill to the top with the lemon-lime soda. Prepare to fall in love—fast.
THE S(IDE)CARLET LETTER
THE SCARLET LETTER (1850)
BY NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE
Believe it or not, kiddos, there was a time when having a child out of wedlock wouldn’t get you a reality show, but instead, a very public haranguing. In Hawthorne’s Scarlet Letter—named after the “A for adultery” badge of dishonor the leading lady has to wear after birthing a bastard—Puritan New England serves as the case study of a world at odds with religion, hypocrisy, and desire. We push a drink purist’s envelope by popping a few cherries (hey, now!) into a sweet and sour standby. This sidecar’s so tasty, you might end up parading through town afterward, just like the heroine herself. Have no shame: this baby’s all yours.
Sugar, for cocktail rim (page 7)
1 ounce cherry juice
½ ounce brandy
½ ounce triple sec
Rim a chilled cocktail glass in sugar and place aside. Shake the ingredients with ice and strain into the glass. You’ll give this one a grade A.
A RUM OF ONE’S OWN
A ROOM OF ONE’S OWN (1929)
BY VIRGINIA WOOLF
Oh, Virginia. So smart. So sad. So . . . specific. According to our gray Woolf, a woman needs “money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction.” (She says nothing of nonfiction, so apparently you can be broke and living with three other girls in a studio apartment if you’re going the journalistic route.) We couldn’t agree more with Ginny’s recipe for storytelling success, though we’d add another thing to the list: a nice warm cocktail. Prepare the following bevvy on a writerly, wintery night. Who needs a man around with a drink this hot?
½ tablespoon salted butter, at room temperature
1 teaspoon light brown sugar
¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon
2 ounces dark rum
Place the butter, sugar, and cinnamon at the bottom of a mug and mix well with a metal spoon. Pour in the rum and fill to the top with hot water, then stir. And now? A long walk by the creek. No stone-collecting allowed.
TEQUILA MOCKINGBIRD
TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD (1960)
BY HARPER LEE
All one-hit wonders should hit so hard! Harper Lee’s only novel is the oft-taught tale told by little Scout Finch, watching her Alabama town rally behind a lying drunk’s lying daughter, who’s up and accused an innocent African-American man of taking advantage of her. Lucky for Scout—who watches from a courtroom balcony as her lawyer father defends the man—she’s got levelheaded pals by her side, including Dill, who is famously modeled after Truman Capote. After a conclusion that leaves you both hopeful and haunted, toast to a sometimes sour justice system with a tequila shot that’s guilty of packing a dill pickle punch.
1½ ounces tequila
2 drops hot sauce
1 dill pickle
Pour the tequila into a shot glass, add the hot sauce, and slam that bad boy back before chasing with a big chomp of pickle. No tears allowed here: if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the South.
THE YELLOW WALLBANGER
“THE YELLOW WALLPAPER” (1892)
BY CHARLOTTE PERKINS GILMAN
Not recommended for our readers dwelling in studio apartments: Gilman’s classic feminist short story traces one woman’s descent into madness, locked in a bedroom by her physician husband as a cure for her vague hysterics. (See? Even in the 1800s, guys were writing girls off as crazy.) The hubby’s plan backfires when the wifey grows nuttier and nuttier, becoming convinced that her makeshift prison cell’s yellow wallpaper has somehow trapped other women within. We go bonkers for a recipe that’s lasted the ages: bright as a yellow sun and sure to get you out of bed.
1½ ounces vodka
4 ounces orange juice
; ½ ounce Galliano liqueur
Combine the vodka and orange juice over ice in a highball glass. Give it a stir. Pour the Galliano on top, letting it stay just barely afloat—sort of like your sanity after one (or more) of these.
THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF PEEING
THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING (1984)
BY MILAN KUNDERA
Czech writer Kundera sets up this Communist-era classic with an open question about the paralyzing ramifications of our seemingly inconsequential everyday decisions. (Something tells us he didn’t get invited to a lot of cocktail parties.) Kundera goes on to introduce a horndog surgeon with an impressive mistress-to-marriage ratio, but don’t get too turned on! In the end, everybody ends up either dead or dejected, and you might be left questioning what your life would’ve looked like had you never picked up this meditation on politics and sex. Modify your mood with Prague’s favorite spirit, at least for tourists. This quenching gulp goes down so much lighter than its namesake book that you’ll be running to the bathroom after a few serious slurps.
3½ ounces pineapple juice
1 ounce absinthe
Lemon wheel, for garnish
Combine the ingredients over crushed ice in a rocks glass and garnish with the lemon wheel. Go soft pouring the (highly alcoholic) absinthe, lest you wake up contemplating where the hell you are.
ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT’S ME, MARGARITA.
ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT’S ME, MARGARET. (1970)
BY JUDY BLUME
Move over, wizards. Make room, vampires. For many of us, Margaret was the original YA superstar, even if her epic battles were of the religion-and-puberty kind. (Actually, especially because of that.) Point is, Margaret showed us how to face all of life’s big ol’ quandaries, from God to boys to bra size. Ninety bucks says when Maggie got to college, she faced an even headier question: how the hell do you make a margarita without a blender? (Hint: on the rocks, kid.) Don’t worry, Madges of the world, we’ve got your back. We’ll even hold your hair when you’ve had one too many.
Coarse salt, for cocktail rim (page 7)
1½ ounces tequila
1 ounce lime juice
½ ounce triple sec
1 lime wedge, for garnish (optional)
Rim a Solo cup in coarse salt and set aside. Dump all your feelings—er, ingredients—into a shaker with ice. Shake well and strain over fresh ice into the salted Solo cup. Or, if you’re feeling classy, strain into a cocktail glass and garnish with a lime wedge. This is in Judy Blume’s honor, after all.
THE TURN OF THE SCREWDRIVER
THE TURN OF THE SCREW (1898)
BY HENRY JAMES
On a rolling country estate—the kind that always wins set designers their fifth Oscar—things are getting spooky for the new governess. In prolific author Henry James’s novella, ghosts are after the new hire’s charges, and she’s determined to keep the tykes safe. Trouble is, nobody else seems to see these tricky apparitions, and more than a century after publication, even literary scholars are still scratching their heads: was the governess a lunatic, or was this a real haunted house? A true classic holds up to different interpretations, and we offer two ways into the Screwdriver—giving you twice the opportunity to check for ghosts in the bar.
Theory 1: She’s perfectly levelheaded.
4 ounces orange juice
2 ounces vodka
Theory 2: She’s batshit nuts.
4 ounces sparkling orange soda (like Orangina)
2 ounces vanilla vodka
For either variation, pour the ingredients over ice in a highball glass. If drinking alone, this may be better enjoyed in a plastic tumbler—just in case someone (or something) sneaks up behind you.
PART
2
GULPS FOR GUYS
“I work until beer o’clock.”
—Stephen King
Belly up to the bookcase, boys. It’s time to brush up on the basics with a trip back down Hemingway lane. The following top-shelf gentlemen’s classics are a diverse lot, starring soldiers, spies, and a ton of sailors. No, seriously: half of all literary masterpieces feature a fisherman with a grudge. And speaking of demons: ever notice how many famous male authors picked up the bottle as often as the pen? (We’re looking at you, Faulkner. Step away from the gin, Fitzgerald.) Best to take these drinks one at a time, then. They deserve to be lingered over, just like your favorite novel.
CRIME AND PUNISH-MINT
CRIME AND PUNISHMENT (1866)
BY FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY
When the lead character compares himself favorably to Napoleon, you turn off the laugh track on page one. New readers of Crime and Punishment—the tortured tale of a man who feels destined to murder a pawnbroker and then redistribute the wealth—might think they’re tuning in for a literary Law & Order. Those readers are wrong. Crime? Sure! But punishment? Forget primetime courtroom scenes, because the only punishment here is the murderer’s life sentence of guilt. Pair Russia’s homeland brew—vodka, baby!—with just enough caffeine to give you the shakes. The mint should calm your nerves before you do anything too crazy.
1½ ounces vodka
½ ounce coffee liqueur
½ ounce crème de menthe liqueur
Light cream, to fill
Pour the vodka and liqueurs over ice in a rocks glass. Fill to the top with light cream—or heavy. Hey, you only live once.
DECLINE AND FALL DOWN
DECLINE AND FALL (1928)
BY EVELYN WAUGH
Don’t worry, we’re not gonna get all moralist on your ass (you’re thinking of The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, six volumes through which you dutifully texted). No, this is the breezily English satire Decline and Fall, Evelyn Waugh’s delicious take on university life. Meet Paul Pennyfeather: booted out of Oxford for streaking through campus (like you haven’t done worse), Pennyfeather ends up as the head of a boys’ school in Wales, where he becomes engaged to a wealthy sugar mommy—whose cash secretly comes from the South American brothel industry. Get lost in your own Peruvian bordello with help from pisco, a South American grape brandy that pairs fast and fun with standard cola.
2 ounces pisco
1 (12-ounce) can cola
Pour the pisco over ice in a highball glass and fill to the top with the cola. These go down so quick, you could end up half naked and quacking on the quad.
DRANKENSTEIN
FRANKENSTEIN (1818)
BY MARY SHELLEY
Mary Shelley created more than a monster when she anonymously published Frankenstein at age twenty-one—she also birthed one of pop culture’s greatest misattributions: Frankenstein is the name of the whacko doctor, not the green-faced, peg-necked creature. (He gets his own nicknames, including “vile insect” and “wretched devil,” courtesy of his dear old dad.) Experiment with the following Halloween-ready, bright green concoction. Heads up: more than a few couples have played their own version of doctor after downing more than a few of these.
1 ounce melon liqueur
1 ounce tequila
1 (12-ounce) can club soda
Pour the liqueur and tequila over ice in a highball glass, then fill to the top with the club soda. Now, light a few candles, lock the door, and guard your potion with monosyllabic grunts.
HUCKLEBERRY SIN
ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN (1884)
BY MARK TWAIN
Conceived to exploit the success of the author’s earlier, blatantly comic The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Huck Finn emerged as a stand-alone classic. In folksy first person, Huck recounts river-boat escapades, narrow escapes, and occasional cross-dressing, set against a Mississippi River raging with racial strife. Mark Twain—a pen name riff on safety measurements used for steamboats—intended the book as an excoriating critique of slavery, but to this day it remains banned in some libraries across our lands, with parents and teachers crying (irony alert!) racism. Drink the tension away with a bittersweet tribute to Huck’s pap, a daylight drunk who could
’ve used a good education.
5 fresh blueberries, washed
2 ounces berry-flavored vodka (like 44° North Mountain Huckleberry Flavored Vodka)
1 (12-ounce) can club soda
Muddle the blueberries in the bottom of a mason jar. Add ice and pour in the vodka, filling to the top with the club soda. Enjoy the sunset—but stay alert for riverbank beverage bandits.
ABSINTHE SHRUGGED
ATLAS SHRUGGED (1957)
BY AYN RAND
If you suffer from debilitating back pain, odds are you either exercise incorrectly, don’t exercise at all, or once tried to get through Atlas Shrugged. Ayn Rand’s heavier-than-a-toddler dystopian novel, in which much of the general public turns against mounting government regulations, remains a controversial slog today. Why not match this big boy with a similarly shifty ingredient: absinthe. Legendary for its rumored hallucinogenic effects, absinthe was banned in the U.S.A. in 1962, but recently reemerged as a kind of lovingly legal lighter fluid. Enjoy this debatable beverage tucked into your bunker with that aching back (and hulking book), hiding from the rest of society.
1 ounce absinthe
1 sugar cube
Pour the absinthe into a rocks glass, lay a butter knife across the rim, and balance the sugar cube on top. Slowly run three to four ounces of ice-cold water over the cube and into the rocks glass, allowing the mixture to cloud. Remove the knife, retreat to the basement, and sip to your conspiracy theorist’s content.