by Tim Federle
RIP VAN DRINKLE
“RIP VAN WINKLE” (1819)
BY WASHINGTON IRVING
Arare classic you can read in a single trip to the john, this short story packs a tall tale. In “Rip Van Winkle,” one town’s most lovable loner escapes his wife’s nagging by setting off on foot into the Catskills, a mountainous New York region that the then-bankrupt English author had never even visited—and this was pre-Google! Van Winkle happens upon a group of folks bowling in the woods (don’t ask), enjoys a sip from their mysterious keg, and ends up taking a very satisfying nap. Like, twenty years satisfying. Appearing in the same volume as “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” (remember the Headless Horseman?), “Rip” inspires a naptime-inducing drink that’ll have you nodding off before even entertaining the thought of outdoor exercise.
Chamomile tea bag
Kiwi wheel, peeled
Honey, to taste
Brew one mug of tea and add the kiwi—known for its sleep-inducing properties—and as much honey as your wandering heart longs for. This drink is so soothing, you might want to set an alarm first.
CHERRY POPPINS
MARY POPPINS (1934)
BY P. L. TRAVERS
An American favorite about a British nanny written by an Australian novelist. We all fell in love with Julie Andrews in the movie—and picked up a terrible Cockney accent from chimney-sweeping Dick Van Dyke—but this legend originated as a series of kids’ books. Starring a stern but winking flying au pair, Mary Poppins understood tough love before daytime TV brought it into your mom’s living room. We celebrate with a nod to Mary’s home turf, Number Seventeen Cherry Tree Lane. This milkshake goes down so sweet, you won’t even need a dash of sugar—let alone a spoonful.
1 scoop cherry frozen yogurt
4 ounces vanilla cream soda
5 maraschino cherries, plus 2 ounces of juice from jar
Splash of milk
Throw the ingredients into a blender with a handful of ice. Blend to desired consistency and serve in either a milkshake or a pint glass. For the love of Mary, make sure to garnish with an umbrella. Preferably black.
WHITE TANG
WHITE FANG (1906)
BY JACK LONDON
Good vs. evil; man vs. man; wolf vs. dog. In White Fang—which you should not take on a camping trip—a pack of wolves polish off a couple of dogs before enjoying said dogs’ owner for dessert. Tracking the journey of White Fang, the dog-with-a-touch-of-wolf’s-blood hero, this quick read explores what makes an animal (or man) truly wild, and how we all take responsibility for bringing out the killer in each other. One easy rule for a wintry hike: whether you’re tame or not, never eat yellow snow—unless it comes in the form of our frosty, canine-inspired drink.
2 tablespoons Tang powder
3 ounces milk
Pour the Tang, 5 ounces of water, milk, and a handful of ice cubes into a blender. Blend until smooth and serve in a Collins glass. Drink this one fast enough and you’re bound to foam at the mouth.
PAT THE TUMMY
PAT THE BUNNY (1940)
BY DOROTHY KUNHARDT
Back when interactive meant reaching out and (novel concept, here) actually touching something, Pat the Bunny hopped onto the scene with wholesome, scratch-and-feel pages. Remember the sandpaper scruff on the dad? Or playing peek-a-boo with Paul (who was, frankly, too old to be playing peek-a-boo)? This quiet book made a loud dent, selling millions of copies and inspiring dolls, DVDs, and (don’t pat too hard) even an app. We present a simple drink for long-gone times, back when a tummy ache would send you running to the nurse’s office. Get back in the sandbox with one of these.
2 bags peppermint tea
3 slices fresh ginger
Place the tea bags and ginger slices in a tall mug. Fill the mug with hot water and allow it to steep for 10 minutes. Let it cool, then pour over ice in a highball glass. Rest that weary belly—and then it’s time to get bouncing again.
On a boring note: raw ginger should not be consumed by children under two.
THE WONDERFUL BLIZZARD OF OZ
THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ (1900)
BY L. FRANK BAUM
A poppy culture legend! If your knowledge of Dorothy (and her little dog, too) extends no further than the perennial classic film, you ought to take a look at the book that began it all—lest you miss the spicy stuff (killer bees; a crow-murdering Scarecrow) that didn’t make it to the silver screen. Baum intended the novel as a one-time effort, but his publishers basically printed cash with his Wonderful words, and fourteen books in all appeared over twenty years. Follow your heart, freeze your brain, and have the courage to create a drink fit for a good witch: yellow as a brick road and swirly as a twister.
5 ounces pineapple juice
2 ounces coconut cream (like Coco Reál Cream of Coconut)
1 banana
Add the ingredients, plus a handful of ice, to a blender. Blend until smooth, and pour into a rocks or highball glass. Now, click your heels—or glasses—three times.
PART
5
BAR BITES FOR BOOK HOUNDS
“One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.”
—Virginia Woolf
Hungry for something more substantial than even the most heavily garnished drink can deliver? You’ve come to the right place. When you’re ready for a midpoint refuel from that shoulder-strainer of a book, try your hand at the following snacks. Grade-school treats disguised as grown-up eats, these bookish bar bites are fabulous for finicky guests and solo readers alike. Caution: this section may contain nuts—and that’s just the protagonists.
ALICE’S ADVENTURES IN WONDER BREAD
ALICE’S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND (1865)
BY LEWIS CARROLL
Difficult to believe, but when Charles Dodgson’s (aka Lewis Carroll’s) Alice debuted, critics derided the bunny-chasing, hookah-puffing storyline as utter nonsense. Ah, critics: that was the point—and Carroll’s enchanted world became inspiration for myriad films, musicals, and spinoffs. Bite into our mushroom treat, just like Carroll’s daring darling might have. It might not make you taller, but it’ll certainly leave you grinning like a Cheshire cat.
MAKES 1 SANDWICH
½ tablespoon olive oil
10 cremini mushrooms (about ¼ pound), roughly chopped
Garlic salt and pepper, to taste
2 slices white bread (like Wonder Bread)
½ cup shredded Swiss cheese
Heat the olive oil in a skillet. Add the ’shrooms and stir for 5 minutes. Sprinkle the garlic salt and pepper and remove from heat. On a plate or cutting board, top one bread slice with the cheese and add the warm mushrooms from the skillet. Scrape out any bits from the skillet and recoat with a little olive oil, returning to medium heat. Make a sandwich with your slices and cook each side for a few minutes until nice and toasty. And if anyone comes near your sandwich? Off with their heads!
THE DEVILED EGG WEARS PRADA
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA (2003)
BY LAUREN WEISBERGER
Hark! A movie version that actually ups the ante! Lauren Weisberger’s roman à clef, allegedly paralleling her time as assistant to Vogue editor-in-charge Anna Wintour, was a dishy phenomenon, strutting to the top of the New York Times bestseller list for a nice long catwalk. Chick lit turned chick flick with megahit results, led by Meryl Streep’s silver hair (and tongue) and Anne Hathaway in dumpy mode. Dress down this cocktail-party standby with model-skinny ingredients and Prada-bright paprika flakes. Remember: every hall’s a runway.
MAKES 12 SERVINGS
6 large eggs, hard boiled and peeled
1 (12-ounce) container of hummus
2 teaspoons lemon juice
½ teaspoon white vinegar
Salt and pepper, to taste
Paprika, for garnish
Insult the eggs until they fall to pieces, or just cut them lengthwise and remove their yellow-bellied innards. Toss out half the yolks, mash the re
st in a bowl with hummus, lemon juice, and vinegar, and spoon it all back into the empty holes. Now, take the most attention-grabbing lipstick-red paprika you can find and go to town embellishing: you never know when someone’s taking a picture.
OLIVES ’N’ TWIST
OLIVER TWIST (1837–39)
BY CHARLES DICKENS
Charles Dickens knew his way around an empty belly: a one-time factory boy himself, Dickens was paid per word for his serialized novels, and Oliver Twist was an instant success with tabloid-hungry readers—even if critics called Dickens out for his shilling-seeking verbosity. Still, the adventures of a naive orphan who runs away, joins a gang of thieves, and ends up adopted by a wealthy family in the countryside remains good, if wordy, fun. Leave the gruel at the workhouse, because we’re dressing up a college dorm appetizer in rich-kid clothes. Our lemon-twisted olives might compel your hungriest guests to beg for more, but this one’s a cinch—and an Oliver-worthy steal.
MAKES 3 CUPS
3 cups mixed olives (all varieties)
2 teaspoons lemon zest
1 teaspoon olive oil
3 fresh rosemary sprigs
1 garlic clove, peeled and finely chopped
1 teaspoon dried red pepper flakes
Combine the ingredients in a jar or lidded container and give it a good shake—you’ve had enough practice after all these cocktails. For unexpected beggars at the door, serve in a bowl right away. Otherwise, keep this one in the fridge as a backup for lean times—provided those times arrive in the next couple of weeks.
FEAR OF FRYING
FEAR OF FLYING (1973) BY ERICA JONG
Have your mate and eat him, too! Erica Jong’s controversial, woman-liberating seventies novel follows a nearly-thirty poet on an overseas trip with her second husband. Our gal Isadora is not a happy traveler, so she decides to “fly,” indulging her wildest sexual longings—with a different man than she arrived with. Groundbreaking at the time, Flying may go down as soapy and self-obsessed, but it takes off as a rule-breaking, hear-me-soar manifesto. Lose none of your favorite chip’s zip with our guiltless snack, coaxing kitchen newbies with just three ingredients—since two is never satisfying enough for anyone.
MAKES ONE “POPCORN BOWL” OF KALE
1 bunch kale (about 4 cups, packed)
2 tablespoons olive oil
Coarse salt, to taste
This is a good, crunchy snack after a bad, crunchy breakup. Take your head out of the oven and preheat to 375°F. Wash and pat dry the kale, tearing it into bite-size pieces and discarding the stems. Toss the kale with oil and salt in a medium bowl, and then arrange on a cooking sheet so the leaves don’t touch one another. Bake for 15 to 20 minutes (nursing a bottle of white wine while you’re at it) and remove from the oven. Let cool for 5 minutes—and start making the next batch. You’re gonna blow through these, so to speak.
I KNOW THIS MUNCH IS TRUE
I KNOW THIS MUCH IS TRUE (1998)BY WALLY LAMB
No literary conversation (or recipe book, for that matter!) would be complete without a nod to lifestyle brand Oprah Winfrey, who came undone for this author’s earlier work. By the time I Know This Much Is True landed on her book club rotation, Wally Lamb was a bookselling bonanza. True follows the histrionic exploits of a pair of twins, one of whom pulls a Van Gogh on his own hand, chopping the poor thing off in a library. A meditation on the shadowed, sad, and very Sicilian history of one family, this novel is also a battle cry for mental health care in this country. With apologies, you’ll go nutty for a candied mix that’ll spice up any family gathering—whether it needs it or not.
MAKES 4 CUPS
4 tablespoons (½ stick) salted butter
4 cups mixed pecans and cashews
2 teaspoons garlic salt
1 teaspoon ground pepper
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
Pinch of light brown sugar
Melt the butter in a pan over medium heat, about 3 minutes. Add the nuts and stir to coat. Add the spices and sugar, continuing to stir until totally dissolved, and then lower your heat and let cook for 8 to 10 minutes, turning the nuts throughout. Remove from heat, allow to cool off, and transfer to a serving bowl. These are so easy to enjoy, you could eat ’em single-handed.
PIZZA AND WENDY
PETER AND WENDY (1911)
BY J. M. BARRIE
Disney don’t own it! Peter Pan, the flying boy with serious growing-up issues (he crows like a rooster in public, among other things) is the brainchild of one J. M. Barrie, and was the inspiration for countless cartoons, recitals, and children breaking their ankles after leaping from their second-story windows. “All children, except one, grow up”—or maybe two, after you fix yourself this middle-school standby.
MAKES 2 MINI PIZZAS
1 English muffin, toasted and sliced in half
1 tablespoon marinara sauce
½ cup grated parmesan and provolone cheeses
Dried oregano, to taste
Spoon equal amounts of the marinara and cheese on your toasted English muffin slices. Top with the oregano, and microwave on high for 30 seconds to 2 minutes, depending on which war your appliances were manufactured after. Serve piping hot—and clap if you believe in easy snacks.
BERRY POTTER
HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE (1997)
BY J. K. ROWLING
You haven’t made it as an author till they’ve built a theme park around your phenomenon. First published in England—reportedly after seven publishers turned it down—Harry Potter leapt the pond to America before zooming around the world on a magic broomstick of success. A bona fide sensation, Harry introduced the world to new words (Muggles), sports (Quidditch), and billionaires (J. K. Rowling). Written when she was a broke single mum, Rowling’s fantastical adventures eventually became the top-grossing film series of all time. Move over, Luke Skywalker, and make room for a classic British meringue as sweet and saucy as Rowling’s delectable franchise.
MAKES 4 SERVINGS
4 cups fresh mixed berries (all varieties), washed
1 tablespoon granulated sugar
5 teaspoons pomegranate juice (like POM Wonderful)
½ ounce lemon juice
2 cups whipping cream
4 small store-bought meringues
Toss together the berries, sugar, and juices in a bowl, then set aside. Whip your cream in another bowl and crumble the meringue on top. Add half the berry mixture to the meringue-cream, folding over once. Dollop into four containers (ramekins or glass mugs work just fine) and top the whole affair off with the remaining berries. The result could have children (and adults) lined up around the block overnight.
PRAWN QUIXOTE
DON QUIXOTE (1605) BY MIGUEL DE CERVANTES
Quixotic, indeed: fed up with the lack of chivalry in his day and age—and this was the 1600s!—the retired Alonso Quijano changes his name to Don Quixote, throws on a suit of armor, and sets out for adventure with a fat sidekick and a model-thin horse. He meets whores, priests, and convicts, and if that sounds like a setup to a joke, you’re right: Don Quixote is an elaborate romantic parody that, though written in two parts that were separated by a decade, is best consumed in one volume. Our classic shrimp cocktail gets a galloping-hot Spanish twist, with a result that’s impossibly dreamy—and good fuel for your next quest.
MAKES 3 SERVINGS
½ cup ketchup
2 tablespoons horseradish
1½ ounces lemon juice
1 jalapeño pepper, seeded and diced
Salt and pepper, to taste
Hot sauce, to taste
10 to 15 fresh jumbo shrimp (about ½ pound), cooked and peeled
Cook the shrimp (or thaw according to the package directions, if frozen). Combine the ingredients, except the shrimp, in a small bowl, then spoon the sauce into three stemless wine glasses—you know, the kind that wobble all over the place. Arrange the shrimp artfully along the glass rims, and your guests will be tilting at windmills.
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br /> BONUS!
GAMES FOR GEEKS
DRINKING ALL BY YOUR LONESOME
Chug your ale each time Dickens introduces a new character in Great Expectations.
Pour a cold drink over your head every time you get an awkward boner during Lolita.
Take a sip of communion wine for every Biblical sin you’ve committed. Start at Genesis.
Do a shot each time you look over your shoulder during 1984. Two shots if you get up to close the curtains.
Slam a Red Bull every time you turn the page in Wuthering Heights. Just to stay awake, actually.
Never stop drinking during Flowers for Algernon.
DRINKING WITH FRIENDS
Take turns trying to recite the infamous 11,282-word sentence from Ulysses in one breath. The person who stops first must drink most.
Get x copies of The Shining and x number of friends. In three rounds, race to find a specific word (“ax”; “hotel”; “scream”). The last to find each has to take a shot of (red) rum.
Smuggle booze into a library. Pull book titles out of the card catalog at random, playing “Never have I ever” with the classics: “Never have I ever read The Great Gatsby,” etc. All who have read the book in question must take a swig from the bottle. Scholars get smashed.
Divide into teams. Lay a giant old edition of The Canterbury Tales open on a table. Take turns bouncing quarters, attempting to land them on top of the book. The losing team—that which lands the fewest quarters—must present a drunk oral report on The Canterbury Tales by dawn.