by P. D. Cacek
Abbs.
“Because if you do, I’ll know it. I felt you die the first time and I never want to feel that again.” Jessie’s body went cold as Abbie leaned back in her chair. “You asked me why I wasn’t hysterical when you made the big reveal; that’s why. I already knew what happened. Sort of.”
Jessie still couldn’t move, so Abbie nodded for him.
“I can’t explain it but I felt it…you, being alive, I mean. At first I thought it was, you know, just me not wanting to let go but even after we buried you…your body, the feeling didn’t go away. And then when I heard you scream I knew what happened. What you were…so I’ve had a little time to process it.”
Oh, God. “Abbs.”
Abbie sat up straighter and glared at the screen as one tear finally broke free. “So promise me now you’re not going to do anything or I will tell him.”
Jessie crossed his heart. I promise.
Out loud.
“I promise…I swear.”
Abbie wiped her eyes. “Okay.” Then she glared at him again. “Why did you wait so long to let me know?”
“I’ve been…busy?”
And for some reason they both laughed.
“You haven’t changed, you know,” Abbie said. “Not inside.”
Jessie knew. “But the outside sure has.”
“I love you.” Everything went still and quiet. There were no words, inside or out, no sounds, nothing until she spoke again. “You’re still my…Jessie and you always will be.”
When Jessie shook his head, Abbie’s image leaned closer to the monitor and whispered into the speakers.
“Yes, you are. Listen to me for a minute and stop being so hormonal. Okay, that doesn’t work anymore, lucky you, but just cool it. You’re transgender, right?”
Jessie cocked his head to one side. “Was.”
“Well, yeah, okay, was…but that meant that one day I’d lose my twin sister and get a twin brother. And now I have one. It just happened a little differently than we both thought it would.”
“Jesus Christ, Pollyanna, gender reassignment is normal and natural, dying and then waking up in somebody else’s body is an abomination unto God! I’m an Imp, Abbie, a Traveler, I’m—”
“You’re Jessie, my brother. And would you stop with the rhetoric, please?”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. Like I said, I had some time to think about this and…what if Dad and the U.C.U.A. are wrong? What if one body, one soul means the right body for the soul? I don’t know, Jessie, but your soul was always a boy and now you have a body to match. You still have one body and one soul. Hi, Curtis.”
For a moment it felt like a wild hamster had gotten loose inside Jessie’s chest and was running laps wearing combat boots, but then the hamster slowed down or died or something and Jessie was able to take a deep breath so he could shout or curse or beg Abbie to take back what she just said, to please take it back or—
Jessie exhaled and wiped his nose off on the back of his hand.
“Eeew, you really are a guy.” Abbie hadn’t even tried to hide the disgust in her voice.
Jessie wiped his hand on the leg of his shorts and nodded.
“So what’s it like? I mean, you don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to.”
Jessie took a deep breath and let it out. “It’s…weird, but I…it sort of feels the same, you know? Like it’s always been my…. Well, not my body, but….”
Abbie nodded. “Yeah. Do they call you….”
“Jessie, yeah.”
“Good, because you don’t look like a Curtis.”
“Really? Then what do I look like?”
His sister thought a moment.
“Walter,” she said. “Definitely a Walter.”
“Screw you.”
They both laughed. Abbie stopped first.
“Where are you?”
“Pennsylvania. And I’m older than you are.”
“You always were.”
“More. I’m twenty. Twenty-one next month. I can legally get drunk.”
Jessie watched his sister’s eyes narrow. “You better not!” She stopped glaring and forced a laugh. “Well, I always did want a big brother.” Hah. Hah. Hah. “Are you okay?”
The now was implied and he nodded. “Better.”
“And you promised.”
“I promised.”
Abbie suddenly turned away from the screen and looked over her shoulder. Shh! Jessie heard their father’s voice in the background and felt every muscle in his body tighten.
Dinner. I’ll talk to you later, okay?
Jessie nodded. Thanks, Abbs.
Any time, big brother. “Gotta go,” she said/shouted. “I’ll talk to you later, Walter!”
Bitch. “Okay,” he said/shouted back. “Sweet cheeks.”
Abbie stuck out her tongue as they simultaneously turned off their computers.
Jessie sat back and stared at his reflection in the blank screen. He was smiling. One body, one soul – a matched set.
Finally.
Jessie stood and walked over to the bookcase for the bottle of pills. He put it in the pocket of his shorts as he left the room. The television was on downstairs, some prime time comedy. The canned laughter followed Jessie down the hall to the bathroom.
The bathroom smell of lemons and Lysol intensified as Jessie closed the door. Turning on the light, he stared at the face in the mirror – Hey, Walter – and opened the pill bottle. The pills turned the toilet’s blue-tinted water a putrid shade of green, the color deepening when Jessie peed on them. Standing up.
There had to be a first time for everything and even though his aim was a bit off and accuracy still needed a little work, Jessie knew he’d improve with practice. He had time. Abbie made him realize that.
Jessica Faith Pathway was dead and buried and would be remembered on holidays and the birthday she’d shared with her sister, but Jessie was still alive.
And wanted dessert.
Zipping up, Jessie walked over to the sink to wash his hands and smiled into the mirror.
“Congratulations,” he said, “it’s a boy.”
* * *
Arvada, Colorado
Walter? Jess thought for a moment. He didn’t know any Walters. His family must belong to another U.C.U.A. chapter. And whatever happened to Nigel?
Jess rapped his knuckles against the door. “Did you hear me, Abigail?”
“Yeah. Be right there, Dad.”
Jess turned and walked down the hall. He’d ask her about Walter – and Nigel – later, but for the moment he offered up a silent prayer of thanks. Abigail was going to be all right.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Phoenixville, Pennsylvania
Eva knew there was going to be a crowd, there always was in summer, but she hadn’t expected to find a sea of people, including most, if not all, of her neighbors. When she saw it, she’d almost told Allan to drive away, to turn around and head for Petrucci’s, but Curtis preferred Rita’s water ice so she had no choice.
The crowd, she discovered once they’d found a parking spot across the street and joined the mob, was there in support of the fundraiser for the Phoenixville Phantoms. If she had also known that, she would have suggested they come on a different night…not that she had anything against the local team, but Curtis had never liked sports so she’d never really followed them.
But he’d come downstairs looking so happy, smiling – which was something she was still getting used to seeing – that she couldn’t say no.
And that’s why she hadn’t said no when he turned wide-eyed toward Uncle B.’s BBQ instead of the red-and-white awning and milling crowd.
“You’re hungry?”
He smiled at her again. She’d never truly appreciated how handsome h
e was.
“It’s barbecue,” he said as if that were an answer, and the people nearest them laughed. He was talking too loudly, people had noticed him. “And it smells so good! Can we get something?”
“Sounds like a good idea,” a man in the crowd, a stranger, said.
Jessie was too animated, too enthusiastic. For some reason the pill hadn’t started working. She’d have to increase the dosage when they got home. Eva reached for his arm but her husband got to him first.
“Would you like something, Jes— Curtis?”
His grin widened. Curtis never used to smile like that.
“Yeah!” More people laughed and he looked around, as if finally noticing the crowd. “I mean, we already ate and everything.”
“That’s okay,” her husband said. “If you’re hungry, you’re hungry.”
He shrugged. “It’s just…barbecue, you know.”
Her husband nodded as if he did. Eva stepped closer. “Instead of a water ice?”
More people laughed when they both turned and looked at her as if she’d lost her mind.
“Okay, fine. You two go get barbecue and I’ll stand in line for water ice. What kind do you want, Curtis, the usual?”
“Sure,” he called back, following her husband around the edge of the crowd toward the eatery. “Surprise me!”
“Growing boys, right, Eva?” The voice was familiar, the question uncalled for.
She turned away from it and got into what she hoped was the line for Rita’s and not some kind of pep squad event. With luck they’d be back before she reached the order window.
* * *
Arvada, Colorado
“Dad, can I talk to you for a second?”
Jess stepped out of the doorway and back into the hall. The meeting room was filling up quickly and he didn’t want to keep everyone waiting, but the look in his daughter’s eyes made everything else unimportant. They were shining and bright, alive. Whoever Walter was and whatever they’d been talking about earlier that night, the young man had brought Abigail back. They’d definitely have to have Walter and his family over for dinner soon.
And find out what U.C.U.A. chapter they belonged to and if they’d consider becoming members of his congregation.
Jess took his daughter’s hand and led her to the small alcove that once housed the church’s landline pay phone. They’d left it and the phone, disconnected, of course, because the children in day care loved playing with it.
“How’s this?”
Jess watched his daughter take a long, slow breath. “I was thinking about Jessica.”
He squeezed her hand gently. “Of course you were and I miss her too, baby, but she wouldn’t want us to suffer in our grief. I think she’d be happy you found someone you could…talk to.”
“What?”
Jess lifted her hand and kissed it. “I have a confession to make. I heard you and Walter talking. Is he someone…special to you?”
Her eyes widened. “Yeah.”
“Can I meet him?”
“Maybe. He’s not from around here. He lives in Pennsylvania.”
And for some reason that made Jess feel better. “Well, I’m glad you’re friends. So, what did you want to tell me?”
His daughter looked up at him. “That Jessica’s happy, she’s finally happy.”
It was a very odd thing to say and Jess was about to ask what she meant by it when a figure suddenly filled the open doorway and they both jumped.
“Excuse me, Jess, but we have a situation.”
“Greg, I’m in the middle of something.”
“I know and I’m sorry, but….” He looked back toward the meeting room. “You need to see this, Jess. Right now.”
Jess looked at his daughter and let go of her hand. “We’ll talk more about this later, okay?”
She smiled and stepped back to give him room. “If you want.”
Another strange answer.
“Okay, let me just see what’s going on and I’ll be right back.”
But he wasn’t.
* * *
Phoenixville, Pennsylvania
Two girls wearing bright purple Phoenixville Phantoms T-shirts were walking down the line, one handing out bright purple GO PHANTOMS stickers, while the other shook her pom-poms. Eva didn’t know either of the girls.
“Thank you for your support,” the first girl said as she handed Eva a sticker.
“Go Phantoms!” the second girl said.
Nodding, Eva shoved the sticker into her purse and continued to watch the front of the BBQ shack. She’d been in line for almost five minutes and they still hadn’t come out. How long did it take to order barbecue and leave?
Eva jumped when the girl with the pom-poms yelled again. “Go Phantoms!”
She was getting a headache. If they didn’t come out soon she’d….
If they didn’t come out soon she’d go ahead and order water ice – mango for Allan, root beer was Curtis’s favorite and chocolate chocolate-chip for herself – like the good mother she was.
“Go Phantoms!”
Eva sighed and took a step as the line inched ahead.
* * *
Arvada, Colorado
Jess could feel the tension in the room the instant he walked in. It snapped around him like static electricity.
Only a few of the congregation were sitting, huddled together near the front of the room. The rest were on their feet, a few pacing, most standing still. Each and every one of them was staring at the all-in-one computer someone had carried in from the media room.
The only voices Jess could hear came from the computer monitor. “…this afternoon down Colfax past the State Capitol and culminating at Civic Center Park. It was estimated to be one of the biggest demonstrations in recent months. An estimated….”
Jess followed in Greg’s wake as the man cleared a path. “Excuse us. Pardon us. Sorry. Move, please. Jess needs to see this.”
When he finally got a clear view of the screen, Jess thought it was just another pro-Traveler march. Although they’d never be as commonplace as U.C.U.A. marches, or as respected, the very fact that they were allowed just proved how liberal the government – local, state and federal – was becoming on the matter. The time stamp on the scrolling text at the bottom of the screen showed it was a broadcast from earlier that day.
“What is this all about?”
“Just wait,” Greg said. “I didn’t believe it until I saw it. Here, it’s right here.”
Jess leaned forward as the camera moved in for a close shot of the banner at the head of the march – Our Lives Still Matter! – and the people carrying it.
“Oh God.”
Hands gripping the blue-and-yellow banner, Richard and Laura Wingate stood on either side of the Traveler that had taken their daughter’s body. They were smiling. They looked happy. They looked like a family.
Jess thought he was going to be sick.
“A friend of mine in the Denver police department recorded it,” Greg said. “He was out there on crowd control and knows Rich and Laura are members of our chapter—”
“Were,” Jess corrected.
“Were. Anyway, he thought we’d like to see it.” Jess heard the rattle in the man’s throat when he sighed. “I can’t believe it. I’m looking right at it and I can’t believe it. They’re True Born. How could they do this to us, Jess?”
“They did it to themselves, Greg. Will everyone please take their seats?”
Jess turned off the computer but kept his back to the congregation even after the room quieted. When he turned around they were all seated except for his daughter, who still stood at the back of the room. He caught her eye and nodded.
“They did it to themselves,” Jess repeated softly, not needing to shout. “They turned their backs on us and the truth to
follow a graven image that is as hollow and profane as the one crafted during the Exodus. They have turned their backs on us and the True Way. They have fallen and are lost.”
Jess clasped his hands together and closed his eyes. “‘What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, “Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.” Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in Heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.’”
“Amen.”
“Is it not up to us, as good shepherds, to go and bring back our lost sheep?”
“Yes.”
“But what if that sheep is a wolf in disguise and the moment we reach out to help it rips open our throats?”
The congregation waited for him to tell them.
“Then isn’t it wiser that a shepherd carry a stick with him to defend himself?”
“Yes.”
Jess unclasped his hands. “There are wolves everywhere and we’ve just seen two of them. We took them at their word that they were like us, but would True Borns turn their backs on us and everything they believed? Would True Borns not only accept but nurture the creature that stole their child’s body?”
“No!”
“No, a True Born would not…so it’s up to us, as good shepherds, to drive the wolves back into the darkness where they belong.”
“Yes!”
Jess opened his eyes just in time to watch his daughter turn and walk away.
“Amen.”
* * *
Phoenixville, Pennsylvania
The two of them showed up just as Eva reached the window. Jessie was holding the remains of a pulled-pork sandwich and there was a smear of sauce on his left cheek. Eva grabbed one of the paper napkins from the dispenser on the counter and wiped it off, anger making her hand shake.
But not at him, never at him.
She turned it on her husband. “What took you so long?”
“We had to wait. They make everything fresh. We’ll have to go back when it’s less crowded.”