“Me, too. But you seem upset with me.” He pushed to his feet and offered her a hand up. “Want to tell me why?”
She let go of his hand as soon as she was standing and moved to put distance between them. “Actually, I’m upset with both of us,” she confessed. “Our conversation with the girls made me realize that up until now, I’ve only been thinking about what the two of us are getting out of our holiday arrangement. I didn’t give any thought to who else could be hurt by our recklessness, and I need to do that, Jack.” She swallowed hard. “So do you.”
Enjoying the way she looked in faded jeans, boots and a snug-fitting V-necked sweater, with her hair forming a soft cloud about her face, he managed to point out, “The girls don’t know we’re seeing each other.”
She gathered up the stack of soiled aprons and carried them into the laundry room. The washer was empty, so she slid them in, along with a few holiday dish towels. As comfortable in his home as her own, she added detergent and switched it on. “But they know us both well enough to sense that something is different when we’re together now. They may not be able to actually identify it per se, but they know the situation is changing.”
He returned her troubled look, knowing she would give him everything she had—except a way past the barricades guarding her heart. “You want to know why the girls intuited the shift in our attitude.”
Working like the team they usually were, he sprayed down the counters while she tore off lengths of paper towels. “It’s not that you’ve agreed to spend time with us on Christmas this year,” he told her as he cleaned. He watched her stretch across the island and do the same. “Or that you’ve gone to so many McCabe family social gatherings with us.”
His gaze sifted over the stiffness of her slender shoulders as she scrubbed stuck-on-frosting with a vengeance.
“Because you’ve been accompanying us to the McCabe family potlucks a lot for the last couple of years, as a much-treasured platonic family friend.” He threw his paper towel in the trash and moved toward her. “It was the fact that you hesitated to accept their invitation to watch them do something at school.”
Guilt, and something else he couldn’t quite identify, gleamed in her dark green eyes.
He cupped her shoulders between his palms and continued, “That resistance on your part was what hurt their feelings. The fact that, for the first time ever, you didn’t jump at the chance to spend time with them.”
And frankly, it had surprised him, too. Usually, when it came to his girls, and to him, there were no limits on what Bess would give.
He felt the same about her. When she needed him, he was there.
She was silent a long moment, her expression inscrutable. “I know that, Jack.” She walked over to straighten the chairs around the table. Keeping her voice low, she confessed, “And that, in turn, makes me worry that they’re starting to get a little too dependent on me, under the circumstances.”
She drew a bolstering breath that lifted her breasts. “And that when the holiday is over and our temporary fling ends, they will somehow pick up on that, too, and be even more upset.” Moisture glimmered in her eyes. “And I don’t want to hurt them, Jack.”
Neither did he. He closed the distance between them and took her in his arms, smoothing the hair away from her face. “So maybe we shouldn’t try to go back to being just friends.” He hoped she would see things his way. He rubbed the pad of his thumb across the silky curve of her cheek. “Maybe we should try letting this evolve naturally and see where it will lead instead.”
Bess flattened her hands across the hard wall of his chest, with enough force that he released her. “Right now I know this all seems like an awful lot of fun, and I won’t deny it has been. But when the novelty and convenience of this arrangement fades, it will more than likely create a whole lot of new tension or awkwardness. Which, in the midst of the midwinter doldrums, might be even more apparent to the girls than what they’ve already picked up on.”
The fact she was so sensitive to his girls’ needs was great. But her willingness to sacrifice what they had? Not so much...
He wanted them to look for an alternative to simply ending this once the holidays were over. Especially now that they were seeing how much they were starting to mean to each other.
He frowned. “I’m not like the guys you were involved with in the past, Bess.”
“I know that,” she returned matter-of-factly. “But none of my exes meant for us to use each other, either. Yet, at the end of the day, that is exactly what we did.”
* * *
Jack knew he had dropped the ball with Bess, backing her into a relationship with him the way he had. He also knew he still had time to turn things around and show her just how serious he was about not only continuing their affair, but finding a way to build a happy and fulfilled life together for all of them in the future.
Unfortunately, she left shortly after their talk on Wednesday evening, avoided him at the hospital on Thursday and managed not to sit anywhere remotely close to him at the preschool sing-along.
He knew she needed her space, and he tried to give it to her after the event, by focusing on riding herd on all three of his girls while simultaneously saying a personal hello and merry Christmas to every parent he knew.
The ploy worked, until he arrived at Kelly and Dan’s home. No sooner had he walked in than he spotted Bess handing off her contribution to the meal, a tray of cookies.
Nicole and Chloe made a beeline for her, engulfing her in a big hug. Lindsay stayed behind to loudly and excitedly point out the obvious. “Daddy! Bess! There’s more mistletoe!”
Everyone turned. Amped up after their sing-along, Nicole and Chloe grabbed Bess’s hands and dragged her in his direction. Lindsay did the same with him.
Nicole shouted, “Kiss!”
Chloe clapped her hands. “Right now!”
Bess came nearer to Jack and gave him a bright smile that clearly meant this is exactly why I didn’t want to come here tonight.
All eyes were upon them. Seeing a way out, Jack grabbed Bess before she could ease away. The skin of her wrist felt silky soft and warm in his palm.
“Trust me on this,” he whispered.
“Really?” she murmured back sweetly, looking like what she really wanted to do was kick him in the shin. “I don’t think so.”
Meanwhile, more McCabes and their loved ones gathered round.
“Go for it, bro,” Chase encouraged.
Jack shrugged at the crowd. “You really want us to kiss?”
“Yes!” the girls chorused, jumping up and down.
“Kiss...kiss...kiss!” some of the little cousins chimed in.
“Well, all right, then!” Jack let go of Bess long enough to scoop up Nicole and Lindsay. He gave her a look. Bess got the idea and picked up Chloe. Then he put the girls between them and smacked each of their cheeks, in turn, while Bess did the same.
The girls erupted in giggles.
They set down the kids, and Jack delivered the perfunctory peck on the cheek he knew Bess would approve of.
Preventing a request for an encore, he rubbed his hands together. “Now, where are all those cookies I’ve been hearing about?” he asked.
“Cookies!” the kids yelled again and raced off to the dining room buffet.
“So you and Bess are dating now?” Rachel asked in obvious approval.
Jack knew Bess wouldn’t want him to reveal anything about what was going on between them to anyone in his family, so he feigned surprise. “No, of course not, Mom.”
Too late, he noticed Bess lingering nearby, and worse, she was definitely within earshot. Flushing, she promptly moved off to help with the chaos in the dining room. He moved to assist, too, but found himself lassoed by his mother and cornered in the foyer instead.
“How about helping me bring something in?” she asked.
<
br /> “Happy to help,” Jack said. Just not happy to answer more prying questions.
“So you’re not dating,” Rachel said as he escorted her out to the curb where his Dad’s luxury pickup was parked. “Yet you’ve been together every single night for how long now?”
Not long enough by Jack’s standards.
“Where’d you hear this?”
“Gossip grapevine.”
“What’s your point, Mom?”
Rachel opened up the rear passenger door. “I don’t want to see Bess hurt.”
Anger surged. “You really think I’d do that?”
Rachel pointed to a flat of kiddie juice boxes. “Not intentionally.”
He picked them up. “But?”
Rachel brought out another flat, this one containing adult-size peppermint brownies from the local bakery. She set those on top of the juice boxes. “It can be easy to take someone for granted without actually meaning to, especially when you’ve spent as much time hanging out together as you and Bess have these past two years.”
Resentment roiling through him, Jack watched his mother close the truck door. “Believe me, Mom, I know how much Bess has given of herself to me and the girls.”
“Just make sure you honor that.”
“No worries,” he returned resolutely. “I intend to do just that.”
The question was how, given the parameters he and Bess had already set up.
* * *
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Bridgett walked Bess out of Kelly and Dan’s house the back way, so they could avoid the crush of family.
Bess looked at her very pregnant twin. Mere days away from giving birth, she radiated a peaceful serenity Bess could only hope to one day achieve.
“Yes. I just have a little headache.”
Bridgett took her elbow and steered her toward a seat on the wraparound porch. As they sank down on the cushioned wicker, they admired the twinkling Christmas lights decorating the pretty residential street. “Don’t shut me out.” She drew her sweater close. “C’mon. What is going on?”
Bess knew she had to confide in someone. “It’s just been a week of a lot of ups and downs. And I just need a little space, you know?”
Bridgett nodded, still worried.
They rose. Hugged. “You know I’m always here for you, even if I am married now,” Bridgett said quietly.
“I know.” But it wasn’t the same.
And maybe, Bess thought as she said goodbye to her sister and headed home, it wasn’t supposed to be. As adults, shouldn’t they all be spreading their wings, making their own families and lives? And although earlier in the season, Bess had sort of grouchily blamed fate and resented everyone else for their success and happiness compared to her own lonely existence, now she knew that it was all on her.
The problem was, she still didn’t know if she was doing the right thing, getting so involved with Jack. Would she be as content as he was to simply let things unfold, in whatever way it was meant to?
The impulsive side of her said yes.
However, the more cautious part of her knew he could shatter her heart to pieces, if she weren’t careful. And she had to be careful.
She went home and spent the rest of the evening doing chores. At ten thirty, she washed her face and brushed her teeth and changed into her coziest pair of red plaid flannel pajamas and slippers.
Of course, that was when her doorbell rang.
She didn’t really need to look through the window to know who was there. Her heart accelerating, she opened the front door. Felt a mixture of emotions—joy, anxiety, frustration, need—pour through her.
Doing her best to appear much less overwrought than she actually felt, she took in his sober gaze and ruddy cheeks, which indicated, along with no SUV in the driveway, that he had walked over from his house. “A little late to be paying social calls, isn’t it, Doc?”
“Bridgett told me you left with a headache. You weren’t answering my texts. I wanted to make sure you were all right.”
“As you can see—” she did a little pirouette “—I’m fine.”
“I don’t know. There was a lot of McCabe family energy tonight.” He reached up to tuck an errant strand of hair behind her ear.
Bess tingled in delight.
“Sometimes we can be a lot to handle.”
The memory of the wildly enthusiastic “kiss, kiss, kiss” chant from the kids brought new heat to her face. Telling herself it was the cold air coming in from outside that was tautening the tips of her breasts, Bess shrugged. “As can the Monroe clan. The bane of coming from a large family, I guess. So.” She feigned cool indifference. “Thanks for checking up on me. And good night...” Still feeling peeved and out of sorts, she shut the door.
He rang the bell again.
She opened the door.
The corners of his sensual lips turned up. He seemed to know the effect his easy masculine presence always had on her, darn it. “Invite me in so we can really talk.”
She swept a hand through her hair, or tried to, until she remembered she had put it up in a clip. Talking would lead to understanding, which would lead to forgiveness, which would lead to... “Actually, Doc, it’s kind of late.”
He gave her a long look that set her heart to racing all the more. The sadness and uncertainty she’d been feeling came and went in his expression. “Neither of us is going to sleep if we leave it like this,” he said.
She recalled what he’d said about the long silences from Gayle, when they’d had a falling-out, and how he never wanted to repeat that. She knew it wasn’t a good habit for her to get in, either. “Okay.” She capitulated, as he had to have known she eventually would, and opened the door wide. Shutting it after him, she walked through the living area to the galley kitchen, where she looked for something else to do.
Jack spoke first. “I know you heard what my mom asked me about us.”
Spying the green clean light on her dishwasher, she opened the door. The residual heat and steam of the last cycle rushed out, forcing her to step back and right into him.
She bumped up against his solid male warmth. Felt again the tingling rush of awareness.
He reached out to steady her. He went on, “I also know you heard what I said to her in return.”
No, of course we’re not dating... As if it would never ever be possible.
Tamping down her hurt, Bess regained her balance and moved away. Pretending the uneven meter of her breath was due to her near spill and not the hunger she noted in his intent cobalt blue gaze, she pulled out one rack, then the other to let them cool, then moved to stand opposite him.
“You were correct. We aren’t dating.”
Now it was his turn to look offended. “It feels like it.”
“I know.” Bess folded her arms. “And maybe that’s the problem with this whole friends-with-benefits arrangement during this incredibly sentimental time of year. The lines are getting blurred.”
“So, as I said to you the last time we talked about this, then maybe we should alter them. Do away with any set end date to our relationship.”
Bess briefly closed her eyes and sighed, wishing this was all so different, that they were in love. “Oh, Jack. That’s what made our affair palatable in the first place.”
“For you, maybe.” He removed the clip from her hair, ran his fingers through the mussed strands. He let his gaze rove over her face, as if memorizing every inch. Then murmured, “Not for me, Bess. Never for me.”
Their lips met, and the world fell away.
All she knew was the comfort of his mouth moving over hers, and the mesmerizing power he seemed to hold over her heart. As he continued to kiss her, she couldn’t recall ever feeling this turned on, and she knew she had never been with anyone who felt this right for her, this real, this solid.
That had to
count for something. Didn’t it?
“Tell me you want this,” he whispered between slow, seductive kisses.
Bess trembled. “I do.” She led him into the shadowy confines of her bedroom. “Heaven help me...help us both... I do.”
Then his mouth was on hers again in a kiss that was shattering in its protectiveness and its possessiveness. He deepened the kiss, his palms on her back, drawing her intimately close. She felt his hardness, his heat, and wrapped in each other’s arms, they tumbled onto her bed. As they settled onto the pillows, the affection in Jack’s eyes was all the incentive she needed.
Maybe they didn’t have all the answers now, Bess thought, as they undressed each other, slowly and reverently, but she had to have faith, as Jack already did, that the knowledge they required would come in time.
And in the meantime, there was no denying the yearning deep inside of her.
Afterward, they clung together. As they lay together, face to face, and worked to slow their breathing, Bess felt a sense of warmth and peace that touched her to the core. Was lifelong happiness around the corner for them both after all? She could only hope...
* * *
The next week flew by. Jack and Bess took the girls to San Antonio to ice-skate and see a holiday Christmas play for kids. Together, the five of them traversed the River Walk and viewed the dazzling holiday lights display. And for the first time in what seemed like forever, Jack had a sense of what it would be like to risk the cruel whims of fate and have a complete family again. Back in Laramie, he and Bess spent time together alone, too. Making sure to find time to cuddle every night, in and out of bed.
Neither of them talked about the future. Both focused solely on the minute they were in. An approach that worked to keep them happy and content.
But as the weekend neared, change in the form of two new puppies, about to come home, altered the horizon yet again. Bess was happy yet distracted when she came over for pizza on Friday night with the girls. She nixed the idea of seeing him alone later, as had become their private routine, because, she said, she had so much to do to get ready for the trip to Winfield Ranch the following day.
A Tale of Two Christmas Letters Page 14