by Elia Winters
“We still take clients,” Walter said, “but on a much more limited basis. We give these workshops and help empower communities to develop their own support systems. Discussion groups, book circles—more than just play parties and orgies, which is what people seem to think polyamory is.”
There was a bit of nervous laughter in the room. Okay, maybe people were also nervous. That felt like a relief. Kate’s attention on their table, though, gave Mitchell another rush of adrenaline.
“If you could please take a minute to tell us your name, and what brings you here tonight, it would be nice to get to know each other.”
Fortunately, they started with Ben, who cleared his throat. “Okay. I’m Ben, and I own the pub here with Mitchell. I’m…I guess I’m trying to figure out my feelings.”
Well, shit. Ben, being honest and thoughtful rather than deflecting with a joke. Mitchell smiled to himself as he answered next.
“I’m Mitchell. Like Ben said, we own the pub here. I’m the head chef. I’m here because…” There was that question again. “I want to know more about polyamory. I don’t know if it’s for me. I don’t know if we’re doing it right.” As soon as he said it, a blush stole over him, because shit, he’d just told the room he was fucking these people. He’d never said that out loud to anyone but Hannah before. The smiles from people around him were genuine, though, and he relaxed a bit as Hannah shared.
“I’m Hannah, and I own the sex shop here in town.” She folded her hands in her lap. “I’m here because I don’t know if one person is ever going to be right for me, but I don’t want to take on more than I can handle.” She paused. “Emotionally. Not physically.” She blushed, and it was adorable. There was a lot of innuendo in that sentence.
The rest of the room shared, one at a time. In general, the group comprised a mix of ages and reasons for being there. A few people identified as openly polyamorous, but several were in the “I’m curious but I don’t know what I’m doing” camp. This was very much an intro thing, which was good. Mitchell did a quick head count: there were eighteen people in the room. Most appeared to be with partners, and a few with more than one partner, which was what it must look like with him, Ben, and Hannah. The group seemed more normal than he’d expected, very little “hippie love child” vibe. A place like Mapleton, with five colleges right in the surrounding area, tended to skew liberal and sometimes very liberal. With his two moms and his Subaru, Ben was probably one of the more hippieish of the group, which made him chuckle quietly just thinking it, since he’d never thought of Ben that way before.
“To start with,” Kate said, “we’d like you all to take out the journals from your folders.”
Great. Journaling. He expressed himself through food, not through writing. They were supposed to write about their individual goals for the session. Kate and Walter insisted that no one would read the journals but them, and they would have no obligation to share.
Okay. His goals for the session. Mitchell paused with his pen over the paper.
I don’t know why I’m here. That wasn’t entirely true. I don’t know if I want to do polyamory. I don’t know if I could love two people at the same time without feeling like I was always everybody’s last choice. Yikes. That was probably too honest. He stared at the book and swallowed. Well, if he was going to have to express his feelings, that was an okay place to start. At least he didn’t have to share them. If I have to pick a goal, and I guess I do, I will say that I want to learn whether or not I’m the kind of person who can do this polyamory thing. There. That was a suitable goal. If he figured that thing out, he could know at least whether there was any future in anything he was doing, or if he was just going to have to move on.
And leave Ben and Hannah behind.
The thought of that hit hard, and even though he had stopped writing and was just staring at the blank page, a series of emotions cascaded through him, all right after one another. He took a deep breath and steadied himself.
When everyone had mostly stopped writing, Walter asked for more, because why wouldn’t he? This was going to be the kind of event where everyone asked for more. “Now, we have another prompt for you. This is the second of three prompts. For this prompt, please write about what qualities you value most in your partner or partners. This can be a romantic or sexual partner. If you do not have any partners right now, you can write about your ideal partner.”
Writing about Ben was easy. Listens to me. Funny. Smart and always looking to learn. Honest. Trustworthy. Compassionate. Can be serious, but not too serious. Team player. Good conversationalist. If he wanted to, he could probably fill a page with everything he admired about Ben. He loved this man, had probably been in love with him for years. But he’d told him after the Fall Festival, and Ben hadn’t responded in kind, so it was easier for both of them to pretend it never happened. If he was brave enough, sometime, he would do it sober.
And then there was Hannah.
He wrote her name on the page. Wow, he had awful handwriting. It was blocky print, not like the loops and scrawls Hannah showed in all her notes. Nice handwriting. He snorted aloud after writing that, making her look over with her brow furrowed, and he shook his head dismissively. This task made him want to guard his paper, curling it protectively toward himself so no one else would read it. What a silly thing to start with. Beautiful. Funny. Quick-witted. Challenges me. Doesn’t let me get away with things. Spontaneous. Independent. Brave. He wrote “brave” and then underlined it, because she was so brave, taking on all of her business alone. Inquisitive. Curious. This list was barely a start.
He looked over these lists, trying to see them objectively. He cared about both of these people—maybe loved both of them—and yet they were so different. Ben was a team player and Hannah was fiercely independent. Ben was predictable, but Hannah was spontaneous. He had laughed himself to tears with Ben, but he could also imagine talking seriously through the night with Hannah. He loved Ben. He was falling in love with Hannah. They were different people, different feelings of love, existing simultaneously in this way that confused and overwhelmed him.
And this was just the first part of the evening.
…
Kate had given them some time to skim the documents, so Ben leafed through the collection of materials in his folder, his sense of being overwhelmed quickly yielding to fascination. He loved paperwork. The folder included a glossary of terms about polyamory and then a whole page of different types of polyamorous relationships. He hadn’t known there were so many. They’d included a New York Times article on the subject as well as a list of suggested reading. Finally, there were some polyamory conversation starters, ways to talk to your partners about it, and common issues and resources for managing them. The next task was to practice role-playing conversations.
Walter handed out envelopes with instructions and topics. Hannah and Mitchell watched Ben expectantly as he pulled out a scenario from the envelope and read it. “Okay. The situation is I’m feeling jealous after watching you with someone else, and I want reassurance that you still find me desirable. Who wants to start with this one?”
Mitchell cleared his throat. “Could…uh…could I do that one?”
Ben stared. Shit, he hadn’t expected that. He handed over the slip of paper. Mitchell pulled out the list of sentence starters Kate and Walter had included in their folder. He directed his questions to Hannah.
“I like seeing you with Ben.” He paused, considering his words, then continued. “I keep thinking that you’d never choose me over him. I would like some reassurance that you aren’t going to forget about me.”
Hannah’s smile dipped, as Mitchell’s words seemed more sincere than she’d probably expected. It certainly felt that way to Ben. Hannah’s eyes flicked to Ben before she returned to Mitchell, and then she took a minute to look through the same list of sentence starters.
“Thank you for sharing that with me. The things I like about you and Ben are completely different.” Hannah paused and se
emed to look for her words, but Mitchell took the silence to press on.
“I don’t want to feel replaceable.” He swallowed visibly. There wasn’t any serious emotion in his voice, no tears or sadness, but he seemed as intense as Ben had seen him. “With this kind of relationship, I don’t know where the commitment is. I feel like I’m just waiting to be tossed aside. For Ben, for somebody else, whatever.”
They hadn’t talked about commitment, but their connection had shifted to something different than pure friendship, and even Ben knew it.
Hannah pressed her lips together, her expression thoughtful. “I think…it’s not about being together because we don’t have another choice, or because we made the choice one time and we’re locked in forever. Going forward with this is about choosing to…keep choosing? If that makes sense. I’m choosing you not instead of someone else, but just for you. Because you’re you.”
Mitchell frowned, contemplative.
Hannah shifted and grabbed Mitchell’s hands. “Okay. I’m gonna get real direct here.” She exhaled. “Being with you isn’t like being with someone else. You’re smart, and you’re funny, and you’re so passionate about the things you care about. I love the way you care about your work, and your friends, and I love to see how much you care about Ben.”
Mitchell flushed, color rising into his neck and the tips of his ears, and he shook his head. “It’s all right. I don’t need a big list of my good qualities. I wasn’t fishing for compliments.” He started to pull his hands back.
“I’m not just giving you compliments.” Hannah took his hands again. “You have to know I’m choosing you because I want to be with you. Not because I think I have to, or because I’m biding time for someone better or something.”
Mitchell smiled, something softening in his expression, and then he chuckled. “This is supposed to be hypothetical, isn’t it?”
“Meh.” Hannah shrugged and let go of his hands. “We might as well be honest, right?” Then she looked over at Ben, sitting beside them and watching the whole interaction. “What about you?”
Ben licked his lips. Okay. If she wanted honesty, he could give her honesty. “Talking about this…scares the shit out of me.”
“This particular situation, from the card?” Hannah pointed to Mitchell’s slip of paper. “Or polyamory in general?”
“Commitment.” He swallowed. “I haven’t been in a romantic relationship in a really long time, and I got pretty fucked-up over it. Ever since then, when I start to feel like I might have stronger feelings than just fooling around, I generally leave.” He rubbed his hands on his thighs, and the friction was enough sensation to make him feel more grounded in his body. “I know I’ve lost out on years because of this. And I don’t want to lose any more.” He looked at both Hannah and Mitchell, these two people who meant more to him than anyone had in a long time. “I don’t want to keep running away.”
Before they could respond, Walter brought the conversations to a close. Shivers lingered on Ben’s skin after his confession, his words more honest than he had been in a long time. Thank goodness the next part of the workshop just involved some sitting and listening to info about polyamory. Then they transitioned to an open conversation piece, where they moved the chairs into a big circle and then were able to ask questions of Kate and Walter themselves.
A few questions in, somebody on the far side of the circle raised her hand. She was a young woman with long blond braids, and while at first glance she didn’t seem old enough to be at a workshop like this, on closer look, she was clearly in her midtwenties instead of her midteens.
“So.” She sandwiched her hands between her knees. “How do you keep from developing feelings for the people you’re sleeping with?”
Kate nodded. “That’s a really good question. Do you mind sharing your name?”
“Sloane.”
“Thanks, Sloane. So let me ask you a question back, since that’s usually how we do things.” She smiled gently. “Why don’t you want to develop feelings for the people you’re sleeping with? What kind of feelings are you trying to avoid?”
Sloane twisted her fingers together. “Well, I know that polyamory is about being in love with lots of people, but I…am really scared of that.”
“Okay. Let’s unpack that a little.” Kate looked very calm and open to the conversation. “Why are you afraid of falling in love with more than one person? Or of falling in love at all?”
Sloane looked baffled. She opened her mouth for a moment but didn’t speak for a few full seconds. “Love gets complicated. I don’t know if they love me back, or if they want any kind of relationship with me, or if they’ll get weirded out by it and just never want to see me again. Sometimes I just want to fuck somebody.” She clapped a hand over her mouth. “Can I say ‘fuck’?”
Everyone laughed, including Kate and Walter, and it broke the tension.
“Sloane.” Walter leaned forward. “Your question isn’t a bad one. My answer is going to sound kind of like I’m not answering you, but I’m going to try. If you want to have multiple sexual relationships without any other connection beyond casual sex, that’s fine. Have fun and be safe. There’s nothing wrong with that. Most people wouldn’t consider that polyamory, but that doesn’t mean it’s unhealthy or morally wrong in the slightest.” He smiled warmly. “On the other hand, it’s not a bad thing to develop emotional attachment to someone that you’re sexually active with. Kate and I, and most other polyam practitioners, ascribe to the belief that there’s nothing wrong with falling in love with someone, or many people, even if that person or those people don’t love you back in the same way.”
Kate picked up. “You can’t control your love in the way that you only put yourself out there when you’re absolutely sure someone else shares your feelings at the same level and intensity as yours. That’s not possible. Somebody has to make the first move and take the risk.”
“But it’s not even really a risk, because you can’t control someone else’s response and you’re not trying to. Polyamory isn’t about that.” Walter looked like a sincere British professor giving a thoughtful lecture on his favorite topic. “Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to be in a romantic relationship with them, certainly not a monogamous one. You might love them with a deep and abiding friendship kind of love. And even if you become romantically involved with someone, that doesn’t mean you have to stay together forever, or that your relationship has to stay the same. If you are okay to let go of some of the expectations of monogamy, you can be free to feel emotions, or not, and accept whatever develops.”
A wave of heat and then cold washed over Ben. He had never thought about it in those terms. If his feelings didn’t have to make him do anything, if he could just have feelings and they didn’t make him beholden to any particular course of action, then maybe he could open himself up to the feelings he’d been putting aside. Maybe love didn’t mean risking friendship.
Sloane was nodding as Kate and Walter finished their spiel. “Okay,” she said.
“Does that help?”
“Yeah, I think so.” She let out a nervous laugh. “It’s scary.”
“Lots of this is scary.” Kate smiled a warm smile at the girl, and then at the rest of the room.
Well, she was definitely right about that.
…
As the questions began to wind down, Hannah finally got up the courage to ask what she’d been wanting to ask. “This all seems good in theory. But…do people really make this last, like, long-term? Can someone love someone else, multiple people, and stay with them, and stay happy? It happens?”
“It does happen.” Walter seemed to remember something from his past; he looked up and to the side before adjusting his glasses and coming back to the present. “Sometimes forever, sometimes just for a long time, but the love is real and valid no matter what. It shouldn’t be denied. When you love, whether it’s one person or many, that love binds you together in ways that are beautiful and multifaceted. Even if
you move on from that love, that person will always be a part of who you are.”
How could something be both exhilarating and terrifying all at once? Hannah had been playing with this idea of seeing multiple people for weeks now, but she hadn’t really believed it had potential. If she didn’t believe that love was possible this way, it was easier to move forward with Mitchell and Ben. She’d written off their time together as an experiment, a fling with an eventual expiration date. But…if this could be forever? God, she wanted it, and wanting it felt terrifying. Right now, sitting at the cusp of what could be love, all she had to do was believe and she’d be willing to risk it all.
Kate and Walter were right. Loving Ben and Mitchell, both of them, was going to change her in ways that she could never undo. She had been safe. She had been self-sufficient and independent. She hadn’t failed any relationships because she hadn’t taken the risk. Now she was looking at something different. There was even a fancy term for it—a closed triad, a relationship between three people. To make it work, she would need to do all those things she hated, like being vulnerable and asking for help.
The safest option, the one that wouldn’t ask her to risk her heart and her independence and her pride, was to shut off those emotions altogether. Yeah, maybe it wasn’t polyamory. Maybe it was just sex. But maybe that was all she could handle. That, at least, wouldn’t leave her heartbroken and alone.
She nodded when appropriate throughout the rest of the question-and-answer session, but her thoughts remained on her own best next steps. By the time the meeting finally drew to a close a little while later, she had made up her mind. People stuck around to talk to Kate and Walter, and Lori eventually shuttled everyone out the door, thanked Hannah and Ben and Mitchell profusely for the space rental and the beer, and then everyone was gone except the three of them standing upstairs.
Hannah faced the two men. If she was going to try to have the physical benefits without the emotional risks, she should practice right away. “So I was thinking, maybe you guys could both come back to my place?”