“If there is I haven’t thought of it yet.”
“You will.” Lacey’s eyes were so dark, he could barely see her pupils, but he could see the storm of turmoil in them. He reached for her hand and pulled her to her feet and into his arms, feeling the tension in her as she battled for control.
“Can I say one thing?”
She nodded and he took her hand, placing it over his heart. “I know it’s tempting to be reminded of how you’ve been hurt before. Maybe when you feel that doubt creeping in, just remember you’re the one this heart beats for. I’ll always come back, Lacey, I promise. Can you just promise you’ll trust me? Please?”
She hesitated but lifted one shoulder and let it drop. “I can promise I’ll try.”
“Let’s eat supper and then you’ve got to get some rest and so do I. No one got any sleep last night. But no matter what happens, we’re going to have a lot of work to do around here.” He tipped her face toward his and pressed a kiss to her lips, almost losing it when he felt them tremble under his. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Trust me.
He prayed that he would be trustworthy, that she would see him that way. The words were easy to say and so hard to live up to. But somehow he had to find a solution to what they were facing as a family.
Somehow he had to find a way.
* * *
Lacey lumbered out of bed at four forty-five the next morning. Sleep was getting more and more impossible the bigger the babies got. In the adjoining bathroom, she splashed cold water on her face and looped her long brown hair into a loose bun on her head. She was almost positive she’d heard Devin in the kitchen making breakfast. He wasn’t sleeping either, apparently.
And no wonder. It was hard to imagine a worse scenario for a ranch family than losing the ranch. They’d had some hard times on their ranch growing up, but she didn’t think they’d ever come close to losing it.
She didn’t blame them for being tied up in knots about it. Suddenly not knowing where she’d be taking her babies home from the hospital was a little disconcerting, to say the least.
Following the scent of coffee into the kitchen, she went straight to the pot. She poured herself a cup and grabbed a biscuit from the stove, taking a bite as she turned toward the table. Her motions slowed as she saw a familiar stack of papers.
It was the divorce papers she’d brought with her, the ones that Devin had said he wouldn’t sign unless she stayed until the babies were born.
Her first reaction was a flash of anger. She’d been abandoned before... Why should she expect him to be any different? He’d wanted to prove to her that he could change. That he could be a better person.
She picked up the papers and turned to the back page, even though she had a feeling she knew what she was going to find.
And she did find it. His dark scrawl on the very last page.
She sank down into the kitchen chair and stared at the signatures on the page that meant they were divorced. She felt the acid rise in her throat as fear bloomed in her heart.
She saw just the corner of a small yellow sticky note between the pages and pulled it out. In the same dark scrawl it said, Please trust me, Lacey.
Had he just been pretending to be content with being a family man? Or had she been the one pretending...pretending to give him another chance?
Holding the note in her hand, she realized the anger and fear had drained away, leaving her numb. She had no idea how she felt. She needed air.
Picking up her coffee, she started out to the front porch as Tanner came down the stairs. “Is he gone?”
“Yes.”
“I thought I heard the truck start up. I’m so sorry, Lacey. I don’t know what to say.”
“He signed the divorce papers.” She had to swallow hard, but the words still barely rasped out. “And he left a note that said to trust him.”
Tanner didn’t say anything, just shook his head and went into the kitchen. A few seconds later, she heard the chink of a ceramic mug hitting the countertop and coffee splashing in it.
She continued to the porch with her own mug of coffee, walking out into the pre-sunrise quiet. A rooster crowed from the backyard and she wondered if he was confused by the humans being awake already.
Her feelings were so confused, her heart literally aching in her chest. She didn’t know what to believe. Devin had shown her again and again over the course of the last few months that he’d changed. That he was a person she could trust. Still, she couldn’t help but feel abandoned once again. Hurt and confused again. And once again, he’d gone without a word, leaving a document behind.
Just over seven months ago it had been their marriage certificate. This morning it was their divorce papers. And what did that even mean? Had he signed them because he was breaking their agreement and planning to do something he knew she wouldn’t approve of?
Please trust me, he’d said. How did she trust him when he had all the power? But did he? From the beginning, she’d been the one who wanted to end things. He’d been the one holding on to a marriage that seven months ago hadn’t even existed except on paper.
Maybe by signing the divorce papers, he was giving her the power to rewrite the script. Giving her the power to be the one who walked away. Giving her the choice.
She closed her eyes, her mind drifting back to the moment in the kitchen when he’d placed her hand on his chest. That strong, steady heartbeat under her hand.
Walking to the porch swing, she sat down, letting her feet lift off the floor as it swung back with her weight. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw something on the far end of the swing and she reached for it. It was Devin’s Bible. She’d seen him reading it just yesterday.
She ran her hand over the smooth surface, the pages curling in the summer humidity. It was getting ragged, the color of the leather worn from use. She opened it and realized that the inside pages were filled with notes and tabs and bookmarks in Devin’s handwriting.
She turned to the first one. Psalm 139. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Her throat began to ache as she turned to the next tab. 2 Corinthians. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Tears gathered in her eyes as she turned to the next marker in Titus 3. He saved us not because of works done by us in righteousness but according to his own mercy... So that being justified by his grace we might become heirs...
Faster now, she turned to Ephesians 2, tears streaming down her face. For we are his workmanship.
Galatians 3:26. You are all children of God through faith... And in Devin’s hand in the margin, she saw that he’d written It’s not who I think I am, it’s who God says I am. God says I am His.
God says I am His.
Slowly, she closed the book. As she lifted her coffee and took a trembling sip, she watched pink dawn spread slowly up the darkness, the stars winking out one by one as light filled the sky. How did she trust that the sun would come up each morning? Because it had for all the days of her life?
How did she trust a God she couldn’t see? Because even in her darkest moments, she knew that there was hope. Day after day, she was reminded of His goodness and faithfulness. Even when she didn’t understand her circumstances.
The front door opened and Tanner stepped outside. He walked to the porch rail and leaned on it, his mug of coffee in his hand. “I tried to call him. He didn’t pick up. What do you want to do?”
She wasn’t confused anymore. She wasn’t numb. She knew. “What I really want to do...is believe him when he says trust me.”
He shot her a look. “Past experience says that’s a horrible idea.”
She sighed and wiped her face of the tears that had fallen as she’d read the verses in Devin’s Bible. “I know.”
Tanner sighed, his eyes still on hers. “Are you going to call him?”
> “No.” She hesitated. “For some reason he needs time and I...need to give it to him. If we’re really going to make our relationship work, I have to be able to trust him. I do trust him.”
It was a terrifying feeling, like wading into the deep water and not knowing if the undertow would sweep you away or if the waves would gently nudge you back to shore where the warm sand and the safety waited.
But Devin had fought hard. She knew he hadn’t made this decision lightly. She wanted to trust him. And she believed in him. So she did.
Chapter Eighteen
Five days after Devin left in the middle of the night, Lacey heard the television come on in the living room and her heart rate immediately skyrocketed. The invitational rodeo was tonight.
Tanner had repeatedly tried to reach Devin with no response other than a short text that said, I’m fine. Trust me.
He’d checked in with her by text twice a day, morning and evening, to make sure she was doing okay. She wanted to ask where he was and what he was doing, but she didn’t. He’d asked for her trust.
She was trying to give it to him. But the longer she waited, the more worried she got. She prayed that he was attending meetings, that he was getting enough sleep. He’d been under so much stress. Was he sticking with the lifestyle changes that had helped him on the path to wellness or was he back in that old environment and tempted to give in to the lure of old habits?
He’d signed the divorce papers. And she couldn’t help but ask herself what he was planning for her, for their unborn babies. But every time she wondered if he’d somehow changed his mind about wanting to build a family together, she remembered him placing her hand on his heart and promising he would always come back.
Tanner had placed a plate of cold cuts, fruit and vegetables on the coffee table in front of the couch, but the idea of eating right now made her feel sick.
Even so, when the rodeo started with the national anthem, she felt a wave of nostalgia. She’d been competing since she was a preteen and the rodeo, in many ways, was home to her.
On television, the announcer said, “We were sad to hear that Travis Montrose won’t be competing tonight due to a broken shoulder blade during practice earlier this week. The latest report from his family is that he’s recuperating well after surgery and promises to be here next year.”
There was no mention of Devin filling in.
A band of muscles tightened across her stomach, a quick rush of pain catching her off guard and stealing her breath. She closed her eyes, waiting it out. Obviously, sitting here was doing her no good. She pushed to her feet. “I need to get some air. Call me if you see Devin.”
Grabbing a handful of carrots from the kitchen, she walked outside into the balmy Southern night. The cicadas were singing and a soft breeze was blowing. She focused on the sound of the animals in the field. It felt so peaceful compared with the turmoil brewing inside her.
She walked to the edge of the pasture, and Dolly took a few timid steps toward her. A carrot held out in Lacey’s flat hand was the deciding factor and the sweet mare stuck her head over the fence for a treat. “Hey, girl. Are you feeling a little lonely?”
Dolly looked at her with big velvet brown eyes.
“Yeah, me, too.” Walking toward the barn, Lacey pressed a hand into her back where it ached. She was carrying so much weight in the front that her back had been killing her all day. She focused on breathing, on the random flicker of the fireflies across the pasture. One. Two...
Despite Devin’s absence, despite everything, she could take in the beauty of a quiet country night. She could appreciate that she belonged here. He belonged here, too. She whispered the words. “Protect him, please, God. Bring him home safely.”
As if He had heard her pleas, the rattle of a horse trailer and the growly engine of a truck reached her ears as it turned into the drive. She barely dared to hope that it was Devin, even as an expectant feeling rose in her chest. Her hands went to her stomach where their twins were kicking. Please, God, let it be Devin.
His old truck pulled to a stop near the barn. She let out the breath she’d been holding—it was him.
Lacey rushed toward the truck, meeting him as he slid out of the cab and onto the ground. He took a step and caught her up in his arms, burying his face in her hair. “You stayed.”
“Of course I stayed.”
“You didn’t call me.” He put his arm around her as they walked toward the porch. “I was afraid you were mad.”
“I knew you needed space to do what you needed to do.”
“What did I do to deserve you?” He stopped walking when they reached the glow of the porch light and turned to look at her. She studied his face. He looked tired, his beard a little stubbly, his eyes weary but clear, and she was so happy to see him.
She laughed, the sound winging into the wind and with it her worries about Devin. She still had no idea where they would be living in a month, but he was safe at home. “Clearly, you don’t deserve me. I’ve been a wreck since you left.”
“I’m sorry, Lacey. I felt like I had to do something to help save the farm. And I wanted you to have the space to walk away, if you wanted to. I hoped you wouldn’t.”
He turned to face her, holding her two hands in his. “I want to get the words right but I don’t know if I can. I’m so—um—emotional. I’ve been practicing.”
With another laugh, she leaned forward and kissed him. He dropped one of her hands and cupped her face, his whole body relaxing into hers, bringing her into the curve of his embrace. He sighed.
“That is not helping me clear my thoughts.” He took a step back, pressing his hands together as if he were praying, and took a deep bolstering breath.
He released it, holding his hands out, palms open to her as if he couldn’t do anything else. “You have my heart, Lacey. From the moment I saw you standing in the driveway with those awful divorce papers, I knew that you and I could have the greatest adventure together. I don’t need the spotlight. I don’t need the risk and the thrill. I need you. Just you.”
Lacey’s eyes filled, her vision blurring.
“I had a lot of time to think on the drive. I realized I was afraid of losing hold of who I was, but it’s past time to let go of all that old shame I felt, all the things I tried to push down and hide. And I have to put away old dreams that don’t fit me anymore.”
She placed her hands in his and he held them tightly, looking down at her with the most tender expression. “I trust that we’re going to build new dreams. Together.”
As they stood in the warm circle of light from the porch, he let go of her hand and dug in his pocket. She gasped as he pulled out a ring. She recognized her grandma Rose’s diamond ring immediately. “Devin, how...?”
“Your dad gave it to me. I went to ask his permission to ask you for your hand in marriage. I want to do it right this time.” He looked down with a smile and tossed her words from months ago back to her. “In the right order.”
Kneeling down, he held one of her hands and held the ring up with the other. “Lacey Elizabeth Jenkins, I love you and I promise to love you for the rest of my life. Through everything. Mountaintops and valleys, kids and dogs, rain and sunshine. I promise I will never give up on our love.”
Containing her tears was not even a possibility as he said, “Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? Officially?”
Lacey held out her hand and he slid the ring onto her finger. She looked down at the old ring and back to Devin’s eyes, her gaze catching on his and holding it. “I was so afraid of being hurt again. But I realized after you left the other day that if I had to choose between safety and love, there was no contest. I choose love. A safe life without you is not a life I want. I trust you and I will always love you. Now, please, come here?”
“So that’s a yes?” He stood with a laugh as she grabbed his head and pulled his lips to
meet hers.
“Yes!” She dropped her head to his shoulder and stood in his embrace, letting happiness and hope for their future wash over her, his solid strength reminding her that together they could face anything. “Yes. Yes. Yes.”
* * *
A throat cleared behind them. Devin lifted his head with a smile. His brother stood on the porch, a wary expression on his face.
Devin sighed. “Well, I guess you know I didn’t win a hundred thousand dollars.”
“I figured that when I didn’t see you ride tonight.” Tanner took the steps in his slow, steady way. “It’s all right. We’ll figure something out. I’ll go let Reggie into the pasture.”
Devin put a hand out to stop Tanner. “Actually that’s not Reggie.”
His brother turned slowly around, his eyes narrowing. “Where’s Reggie?”
Devin took a few steps toward the trailer. “Being asked to participate in the invitational shook something loose in my brain that I should’ve thought about a long time ago. Sure, I’m a rodeo champ, but Reggie’s a rodeo champ in his own right.” He shrugged, with a half smile. “Lacey’s dad helped me line up five ranchers who are willing to pay a steep price to have Reggie sire a foal. It’s not a hundred thousand dollars, but maybe it’s enough to negotiate more time with the bank.”
Unemotional, practical Tanner had tears standing in his eyes. He cleared his throat again, a perplexed expression on his face as he tried to figure out what to do with all the stuff he must be feeling.
Devin hugged his brother, who’d been the one to give him another chance, and he was so grateful that he could be the one to give Tanner one. “I know you aren’t sure you can count on me yet. It’s okay. I’ll be right here, pulling my weight. It’s about time.”
Tanner gave a short nod and looked away, his fist pressed to his lips. When he looked back, his voice was thick with emotion. “If that’s not Reggie, who is it?”
Devin walked to the end of the trailer and opened it. He walked into the trailer, speaking softly to the patient horse inside. “Come on, beautiful girl. Someone’s waiting to see you.”
The Cowboy's Twin Surprise Page 16