by Hope Stone
As the night wore on, I tried to remember if things had ever felt so right between me and a lady. I couldn’t recall. Sara had been so long ago, and all the early memories were tainted with what had happened later. I couldn’t think of her without recalling her betrayal.
But even so, I didn’t think our connection had been as strong as mine with Claire. We had been teenagers, filled with hormones and lust, but that was all just physical. Not to say there was no physical aspect with Claire, there certainly was. But there was something deeper. Something I hadn’t allowed myself to feel in a long time. Something I hadn’t really believed existed.
I slipped away to grab another round of drinks and ran into Raul by the cooler. He gave me a head nod. As I grabbed a drink out of the ice, he opened his mouth. “Claire’s a keeper.”
I tried to stay nonchalant since I had been attempting to not show all my brothers how head-over-heels I was, but I was finding that act to be more and more difficult. So I smiled and nodded instead. “I get that feeling too.”
“Be careful,” Raul said. “She’s tough as nails, but I’m guessing that’s why you like her.”
I stiffened at Raul’s warning. Claire was tough, but she wasn’t cruel. I didn’t think so anyway.
“I didn’t mean to butt in,” Raul said. “Seems like she has a secret or two, that’s all. But then again, don’t we all?”
I frowned. I didn’t want to doubt Claire, but my curiosity got the better of me. If I was blinded by lust, I wanted someone else to point out what I couldn’t see.
“How do you know?” I asked. “That she has a secret?”
Raul shrugged. “It’s in the eyes. They move too much.”
I stared at the ground. Raul did have a habit of being a bit dramatic, but he was smart. I wasn’t about to dismiss him.
“I’m not saying she’s bad,” Raul said. “Truly, I like her. I just know you don’t trust easy.”
“That’s for sure,” I said. “And thanks, I’ll be careful.”
Raul nodded and drifted away. I turned back to Claire. The caution that had crept into my stomach while I talked to Raul evaporated in a millisecond as she tipped her head and made some sly comment to Kim.
Maybe Claire had secrets, but so did I. We all had baggage. But for the first time in my entire life, I was ready to take someone on despite any obstacles. I was ready to let her in.
If she hadn’t looked so happy, surrounded by the most important people in my life, I would have hesitated. If my brothers hadn’t liked her so much and made it clear that they thought she was right for me, I would have questioned everything.
But none of that had happened. Claire seemed to appreciate and respect the Outlaw Souls, and they adored her. I could already tell that Kim was plotting more ways to hang out with Claire while I could tell that all the guys thought she was cool. I would have been jealous if I didn’t know that a brother would never try and poach another Outlaw Soul’s girl.
For the first time in a long time, everything was making sense. I finally felt permission to be happy. Not just happy for one night. Not just happy when I was working or riding with my brothers but lonely the rest of the time. Truly and fully happy.
There was no doubt in my mind: I was falling for Claire.
Claire
Nothing made sense. Up was down, left was right. I felt like I was Alice, and I had just tumbled down the rabbit hole or through the looking glass or whatever other mess that silly girl got into.
The Outlaw Souls were a little rough around the edges, that was true. They liked to throw back some beers and tell raunchy jokes, and, as bikers, they clearly liked a little danger. But there was no older guy dragging around a manipulated teen. There was no drug activity or even references to drugs. Not even tension among the brothers. To be honest, it was all pretty wholesome.
Yes, they had dirty mouths, a lot of them had tattoos, and I heard one of the older guys mention his time in jail, but none of that was criminal or even out of the ordinary.
I had known that I wasn’t going to walk into that barbecue and find Zoe by the hot dogs, wailing about how her one-time cool and sophisticated boyfriend made her sell cocaine, but I also knew that fires give off smoke. You can’t hide everything. Illicit activity leaves signs, and I was pretty good at reading those signs. I had figured that there would be at least a whiff of smoke at the party.
But there was nothing. Every instinct in my body was screaming that the brothers of the Outlaw Souls were exactly what they said they were: hardscrabble guys from the wrong side of the track who took care of each other and stuck to a strong moral code of values. If anything, they were way more Robin Hood than Al Capone.
Hell, Moves had even ran through their most recent gigs. Security for big events and helping out on construction sites. A few of the guys did a lot of auto work at a shop I knew was the most trustworthy in La Playa. The Outlaw Souls, despite their name and leathers, were upstanding pillars of the community.
Or they were very, very good liars. I couldn’t deny that the possibility that they were duping me rubbed me the wrong way. I like to think that I can spot a liar.
I smiled at Pin and told him I was going to run to the restroom. I couldn’t imagine we were going to stay at the party much longer since it was already pretty late, so I wanted a moment alone to take stock.
I sat in the stall of the women’s restroom of Blue Dog Saloon and stared at the graffiti on the bathroom door. This case didn’t make sense. If this party had all the members of the Outlaw Souls, then not one of them was an obvious choice for coercion of a minor and/or drug-dealing.
Granted, I had not shared soul-searching conversation with every single brother, but I had met most of them and observed the rest. I knew criminals can wear the appearance of goodness like a second skin, but there still would have been signs. No one even had the physical traits of a drug-addict. None of them said creepy things or even looked at me cross-eyed.
I huffed in frustration as I yanked out my notebook and started to write down every name I could remember. I would research the members of the club later. Our office didn’t have access to all the files at the police department, but private investigators have ways. I could find out who had done time for what.
I tried to write fast since, if I was gone too long, Pin would come looking for me.
That was the other thorn in my side with this case. The more time I spent with Pin, the more I was inclined to believe that he didn’t deserve to be used like this. I didn’t want to use him. I just wanted to be with him. But that thought was way too scary to explore at the moment.
Maybe I should have stuck to the cheating husbands after all. At least I was good at that stuff. At least trailing scumbags didn’t make me question my every action.
Maybe I just wasn’t cut out for the big cases.
I shook my head and snapped my notebook shut. No, I could do this. I was used to catching idiots who thought with their dicks. This was just a smarter opponent. Whoever had orchestrated Zoe and Hector’s fate was more complex and certainly smarter. Catching them would take more time, but it didn’t mean I wasn’t up to the task.
I stood up, shoved my notebook back in my bag, and walked out of the bathroom. I collided right into Pin’s chest. “Oh, sorry.”
He gripped my arm to steady me, and my heart melted at the feel of his hand on my body.
“No worries,” he said. “I was actually just looking for you, I thought we might head out soon.”
“Ok,” I said. “No rush, I’m having a good time.”
“Yeah,” Pin said. “Me too.”
The light in the bar was dim and intimate, and we were tucked into the hallway with the bathrooms, alone and secluded. Pin was giving me major bedroom eyes, as if to say that yeah, the barbecue was fun, but he could think of better things we could do in private.
Before I could stop or remind myself that I was playing a dangerous game, I stood on my tiptoes and brushed a kiss against his lips. I couldn’t h
elp it. He had been so nice all day, always staying by my side so that I wouldn’t be alone, but allowing me to be myself and ask questions. And all the other bikers had been so kind. I could see that they just wanted Pin to be happy.
Pin placed his firm hand on my lower back and pulled me closer. He leaned down and placed a row of fluttery kisses on my neck.
“Not here,” he whispered in my ear. “If the guys catch me, they’ll never stop giving us shit.”
I chuckled and pulled away. “I can believe that.”
We walked hand in hand back out to the fire pit. Only a few of the younger crowd remained. It was getting late, so everyone had drifted off. Most of the older guys had wives and kids (another thing that didn’t quite add up with the Drug Ring theory).
Moves appeared at Pin’s side. His easy manner and smile were gone, and I was immediately on high alert.
“Hey, I gotta run,” Moves muttered.
He wasn’t speaking so only Pin could hear, but he also wasn’t shouting out the news. The Enforcer, I remembered. Moves was the enforcer. What needed enforcing?
“Trouble?” Pin asked.
“Just some bullets that need to be put back on their shelf,” Moves said with a dark look.
I furrowed my brow and stared at the ground. What did that mean? It didn’t sound good.
Moves disappeared, and I contemplated whether to say anything. I decided it was normal to ask. A normal girl would ask a guy on a second date why his friend was muttering about bullets and trouble. “What was that about?”
“Don’t worry about it,” Pin said.
I pursed my lips at his words, even though his tone was gentle. He wasn’t shutting me out, he just didn’t want me to fret. Even so, I didn’t appreciate being kept in the dark.
“It’s just territory issues,” Pin said. “We’re in charge of this side of La Playa, in a way, so we like to keep it as clean as possible.”
It wasn’t terribly enlightening, but I could tell it was all I was going to get. I nodded and tried to think of a different topic. I could search the news tomorrow to see if anything went down tonight.
“So do brothers usually bring second dates to this kind of thing?” I asked.
It was a genuine question. Over the course of the barbecue, it had become clear that it was pretty exclusive. Members and serious girlfriends or wives only. It was strange that Pin had invited me, but also flattering in a way.
I also wanted to try and steer the conversation towards dates in general. Maybe Pin would let it slip that a brother had shown up with a much younger – some might even guess high school age – date about six months ago. Maybe it would be a brother that Pin didn’t know very well. Maybe Pin wouldn’t be aware of any dirt I uncovered. A girl could dream.
“Not really,” Pin said. “I guess I kinda threw you to the wolves.”
“No, no,” I said. “Everyone was really nice. I just get the idea that it means something to take someone to this.”
“It does,” Pin said.
He led me to a bench outside the main circle of people, and we sat down. The fire pit’s glow barely reached us, so half of Pin’s face was darkened by the shadows of night.
“Have you ever taken a date to a barbecue before?” I asked.
I didn’t know why I asked. This line of inquiry wasn’t getting me closer to Zoe or Hector, but I wanted to know. The way the other bikers had greeted me implied that Pin did not often, if ever, show up with a significant other. I was desperate to know why.
“No,” Pin said. “You’re the first.”
I was silent as I took that in. I sensed that Pin had more to say, so I gave him space and waited.
“I haven’t been in a serious relationship since I was fifteen,” Pin said. “If you can even call a high school relationship serious.”
“You can,” I said. “Studies actually show that because the teenage brain is still developing, high school relationships may shape and affect us more than later ones.”
“Yeah, well, I can probably attest to that,” Pin said, leaning forward until his elbows rested on his knees. “She fucked me up. Actually, it wasn’t just her. First, it was my parents, she was just the nail in the coffin.”
“What do you mean?” I whispered.
I was desperate for more details, but I didn’t want to ask too many aggressive questions and cause him to clam up. I knew how hard it was to open up about the past sometimes.
“I hate blaming my mom because I know she did her best,” Pin said. “But I had to watch her fall in love with guys who screwed her over again and again. And then I went and fell for the same type of person.”
I didn’t even breathe as Pin stared into space; as he looked back in time.
“She cheated on me,” Pin said. “Which really isn’t a big deal, it happens all the time, but that just proves what I always suspected. People will usually betray you if given the chance.”
My eyes widened at his bleak outlook. My heart broke for the pain lurking beneath Pin’s calm and pulled-together surface.
“I’m so sorry,” I said. “I guess that doesn’t really make anything better, but I am.”
“I just haven’t wanted to even try with anyone since,” Pin said. “Because why bother?”
I recognized something in his tone. Hadn’t I thought the same thing to myself more times than I could count over the last few years? All my relationships ended, so why bother?
“But with you,” Pin said. “I want to try again.”
He looked over at me, and his expression took my breath away. It was not lost on me what this meant. This was not just a casual hook-up, nor was it even dating at this point. This was something else. Something big and terrifying and thrilling.
I hadn’t intended to share too much with Pin. I had wanted to stay coy and subdued. But I couldn’t just sit there after his admission. Without even realizing it, I opened my mouth.
“It’s hard for me too,” I said. “To try.”
Pin just looked at me as I cleared my throat and tried to clear my head. Somewhere deep inside, I knew I should be focused on the case. I should deflect Pin’s desire to have a heavy conversation and get back to mining his friends for information. That knowledge was buried, however, beneath a surge of emotion that surprised me with its intensity.
“My whole life, I’ve always wanted more,” I said. “Something more exciting or different than what I had. And I’m not ashamed of the life I want.”
Pin nodded, and I felt safe with him. I felt I could trust him to not judge me.
“I am ashamed by how I’ve come up with excuses,” I said. “Every time I start to get close to someone, I get scared they’re just going to hold me back or tie me down, so as soon as I’m a little bit bored, I drop them.”
I clamped my mouth shut. I hadn’t even known what I was going to say. I had barely been able to admit as much to myself. I knew I got bored with nearly every guy, and I knew my boredom had something to do with my fear of being held down in one place. But it was hard to come face to face with your own fears.
Somehow Pin had made it easier.
“I can’t promise you much,” I said. “But I can promise you that I’ll try.”
“Good.” Pin smiled, and it was like the sun was rising on a new chapter of my life. “I promise I’ll try too.”
He reached over and took my hand in his. Somehow that small point of contact felt far more intimate than anything else we had done. It was physical touch with the added knowledge of each other. Perhaps it had only been for a moment, but we had each bore a part of ourselves.
Without another word, we stood up. Pin waved goodbye to the people remaining by the fire before leading me out to the front of the Blue Dog Saloon so we could wait for a car.
During the ride back to my place, we talked about the barbecue and laughed over the funny moments. By the time we reached my apartment, I didn’t even pretend that he wasn’t invited up. I wasn’t even thinking about the case anymore. I couldn’t thi
nk about it just then.
I hadn’t figured anything out in regards to the Outlaw Souls involvement in any sort of illicit drug ring. All I knew was that I needed to be with Pin that night.
And that I really, really hoped he wasn’t involved with anything bad.
Pin
After our talk at the barbecue, I felt as if I was floating on a cloud. I had entered an alternate reality. Someplace I never thought I would gain entrance to. I wasn’t supposed to find this kind of connection with someone. I was too cynical, too rough, too poor.
Yet somehow I was there with Claire.
I had been scared to tell her about my past at the barbecue, but I’d known if I didn’t, I would feel like I was lying. Claire deserved to know that she was different from other women I had been involved with. She also deserved to know what she was getting into with me, so she could back out if she decided she didn’t want a damaged commitment-phobe.
Only she hadn’t backed out. Instead, she had met me halfway. And it only made me fall harder for her. I understood her fear of being tied down. I was determined to make sure Claire always knew that I wasn’t a weight around her neck or something holding her back. I wanted her to have her freedom to chase any adventure she picked.
She was quiet as she once again let me into her apartment. As soon as we were through the door, she kicked off her black boots. They hadn’t been very high heels, but she looked much smaller with them off.
She fixed me with a look that turned my insides to molten fire. The other night had been cozy and comfortable. We had been feeling out the waters, getting to know each other. This night was different. This time we wanted more from each other.
I stepped forward and pulled Claire against me like I had wanted to all night. Her torso was warm and alive under my hands. She stood on her tiptoes to kiss me, gently at first, but her mouth grew more and more urgent.
She pulled away and started to run her fingers over the light scruff on my cheeks while she plastered my neck with kisses.