by Jack Taylor
a generous dosage into hisglass. He regarded it with a wan, pathetic smile, then, at my urging,choked back his sorrow and nearly drained the goblet in a manful gulp.Grandfather was right. The sorrow left Lee's eye and from somewhere hefound new courage to go on.
"The death of the bird seemed to crystalize the rebellion. That night,the entire personnel of the station unanimously elected themselves asjoint chairmen of the Ways and Means Committee of the XenonAnti-Prunella and After-sundown Elbow-bending League and immediatelycalled a special meeting. The emergency session convened around a kegof my illegal brandy which, in some miraculous manner, had escapedPrunella's searching hatchet. Not wishing to offend the unknown godswho had thus smiled upon us, we took small token sips as wemeditated."
Lee demonstrated with the glass in his hand. "How to throw off theyoke of the oppressor who had come among us? How to ease the bite ofher lash on our quivering backs? How to restore our tiny, inoffensivestill whose musical, tinkling drip we loved so well? The suggestionsput before the committee that night were many and varied andwonderful."
Lee tried to light a cigarette and nearly broiled the end of his nosewith the flame.
"Lopez, head of our camera team, wanted to pickle her in a barrel ofbrandy and send her back to Venus Relay Station aboard the nextcourier rocket. Sounded like a good idea, too, until Olsen, one of thebiologists, objected on the grounds that those bums on Venus never didanything for us, so why should they get all that good brandy? Themotion was tabled as impractical when we saw the pit into which Lopezand his wild ideas had nearly led us. A whole barrel of brandy! Theman must have been desperate to call for such extreme measures."
* * * * *
He shook his head. "Akermann, the chemist of the bunch, proposedsmoking her as one would a ham and then hanging her over the main gateof the compound to keep away the beasties and things that go boomp inthe night. Now _that_ was what I thought a fine idea. Functional, youmight say. Might as well get some good out of her. But then Joesmothered it with his observation that, after one look at that face ofhers, the good beasties would stay out of the compound, too.
"The dark and devious ways of the plotter were difficult for us toassume, scientists and technicians that we were, and the trips to thekeg became more frequent as we sought the aid of the nameless gods whohad sent it to us." He paused again as Grandpa's brandy took anotherbeating. "The web of our own fuzzy thinking was entangling us more andmore when I was privileged to be present during the only true flashof genius I've ever witnessed."
The wonder, the awe was still in his voice. "Akermann's assistant, theKid, was singled out for the touch and I must say for him that he heldup very nicely under the blow, but one could see that his suddenresponsibility set heavy on his narrow bony shoulders. The Kid drewadditional inspiration from the glass in his hand, then leaped to hisfeet and as promptly sat down again. He gave the decking at his feet abaleful glare and tried again, first choosing his footing carefully asa man should when the floor shows that alarming tendency to tilt."
"'Men,' he said owlishly, 'le's fix it show see--I mean so she--won'tlike it here an' maybe she'll go 'way. Le's set the puffs on her.'
"'On her what?' someone wanted to know.
"'On her nuthin'. Just on _her_!' the Kid said.
"'Oh.'
"There was another mass assault on the speedily diminishing supply ofillicit brandy while the committee prayed to the gods of the spacemenfor guidance. The committee decided to consider the motion.
"'Wunnerful idea,' Akermann beamed at his protege, 'but how you gonnaget 'em to bite through that protective goo she dunks herself in everymornin'. Just how you gonna, huh?'"
* * * * *
I nodded. "How about that?" I asked Lee.
"The Kid was ready with an answer. 'Do y' know why we wear clothesmade only of vegetable or synthetic fibers and not any animal wool,hide or fur?'
"'Sure, any fool knows that,' Akermann said. 'The cotton lobby had alaw passed.'
"'I'm serious,' the Kid told him disgustedly.
"'Howdy,' our learned chemist said happily, sticking out his hand.'I'm Akermann.'
"The Kid must have finally decided that his boss was even moreadvanced in brandy shock than he was if it was possible--and it was.He picked another chemist, Harry North, as his new straight man and,squinting one eye a bit in an effort to keep him in focus, said,'Harry, do _you_ know why we don't wear wool 'n stuff like that?'
"'Sure,' Harry answered. 'The _Handbook_ says animal fibers areprotein an' if the puffs get a foothold on any article of clothingmade of 'em, then their rootlets c'n penetrate most any kind of gooan' fasten into the guy that happens to be so stupid. Then someone hasto give him the treatment to keep him from scratching right down tothe liver an' lights.'
"The Kid's punch line was trying to get out so bad that he was aboutto blow a tube. 'That's right, Harry,' he smiled patronizingly. 'Nowif Prunella was to wear somethin' like that, do y' spose the puffswould get 'er?'
"Harry was still puzzled. 'Sure they would, but she's not gonna do it._Handbook_ says not to, n' even gives a long list of stuff _not_ towear. Nope, she won't.'
"'I know there's a list, but one nitrogenous fiber didn't get on it.Silk is a protein--fibroin--but it's not on the list.'
"'Silk? Why should silk be on the list?' Martin, a big, beefyphysicist, was red-faced and indignant. 'It's too expensive andfragile for ordinary wear an' besides, no self-respecting spaceman _I_ever knew would be caught dead in a silk undershirt or a silk anythingelse! What d'you think those guys are, a bunch of women to go aroundwearing sil--' He stopped abruptly, staring at the Kid with somethinglike awe. 'Do you think we can get 'er into something made of silk?'he asked humbly, as befits a man when he speaks to a superior being.
"There was a respectful silence as the group waited for Mr. Paulson,formerly the Kid, to speak.
"Mr. Paulson clapped his hand over his mouth, said 'Urp' between hisclenched fingers, turned a remarkable shade of green and looked abouthim like a trapped animal. A few of his admirers led him through asmall door, no doubt to worship silently at his feet while he restedafter his soul-shaking ordeal. It was clear that Mr. Paulson had givenhis all for the cause."
* * * * *
Lee said, "The door slid shut on Mr. Paulson's pain-racked exit, itslatching hiss drowned by the simultaneous demand of the committee,individually, for the attention of the committee, collectively. Eachof them considered himself the sole person present capable of carryingon the great work for which Mr. Paulson had so nobly sacrificedhimself. Ordinarily sedate doctors of this or that gibbered at eachother in an arm-waving, frenzied attempt to be heard.
"In a matter of seconds, half the committee had the other half backedinto chairs, against tables and into corners, earnestly explaining ina conspiratorial roar just how Prunella was to be enticed into wearingthe silken booby-trap.
"The committee gradually shouted itself into a red-faced, thirstysemi-hoarseness only to find a demon--ne Shulman, our topbotanist--guarding the inspirational keg with a heavy stool andpromising a swift and personal drought to any man who didn't shut upon the spot. I need not say that we shut nor that order was fast incoming among us.
"In the comparative quiet that followed, there was a rapid-fireshifting of ideas, deleting some, adding to others, and Prunella wasdoomed. The plot wasn't _too_ thick. It depended only on the fact thatan expert's eye was needed to detect the difference between sheerEnduron, the newest and best of the synthetic fibers, and sheer silk.By the same token, the reverse was true. That is, given silk, onecould easily mistake it for Enduron.
"The services of a woman on Terra were necessary to us, so Sparksmagnanimously recruited his young sister, a writer or artist orsomething of the sort, who lives somewhere in southern Europe. All shehad to do was buy a dozen pairs of the fluffiest, frilliest, mostoutrageously feminine silk undies she could find in the most chi-chishop in Paris and then send th
em to Prunella with a note honoring heras the first woman on Xenon and asking Prunella to accept them as atoken of admiration from one woman to another. Some fictitious namewas to be signed to it.
"We raided the office, obtained Prunella's file and copied out theproper measurements from it. Sparks fed the message, measurements anda blank signed photo-check into the coder and the automatic ultra-wavetransmitter took it with a swift _blip_ of sound and that was that."
* * * *