by Cee, DW
I thought maybe there might be a break in the waterfall, but it continued.
“I’m sorry, Xander. It was only a brief period that I felt this way. The rest of the time, I worked hard to be happy because I didn’t want our child growing up believing she wasn’t wanted. Though I didn’t want to live, I wanted our child to live. That desire, plus Janine, my friend and OB, snapped me out of those horrid thoughts. I promise, the rest of the time, I raised Alex the best I could. She received more than her share of love and affection.”
“There’s no doubt you did a wonderful job with our daughter, Jenna. Alex is perfect. You have no reason to apologize to me. Ridding ourselves of the past isn’t realistic, but I don’t want to dwell. Let’s start our new life with a clean slate.”
*******
I realized that the more I cried and apologized, Xander felt worse about his past actions. Tonight was as good a time as any to erase a period that needed obliterating.
“Watching you with our daughter has done a lot in mending my heart, Xander. Tonight, I felt the need to confess the shame I’d hidden away. Except for Janine, no one knows what happened—not even my parents. I swear, I did nothing to harm our daughter. It was only a brief thought.”
Xander had positioned our naked bodies with mine atop his. Both his arms held me lovingly and securely. “I wish I could’ve been there for you. Since I wasn’t, let’s promise to be open and honest with one another. Can you give me that? No more hiding your feelings from me?”
“I’ll try,” I promised.
The conversation we had the other night was the key that freed us. We felt so much more open with one another. I couldn’t say that I was completely at ease with our newfound marriage, but I felt more secure now than even at the “height” of our dating period.
“Mom.” My daughter, too, appeared happier—or perhaps that was just my imagination. “Where’s Dad?” She seriously sounded like a teenager these days.
“He went to work but he wants us to meet him for dinner. Should we leave so we can join him?”
“Yes, Momma! Dinner. Chicken fingers and fries.” And then, she went right back to sounding like a two-year-old.
“Why don’t you show me how you can buckle yourself into the car while I answer this phone call?” My daughter was already on her way out to the garage as I picked up a call from Larry of all people. “Hey, Larry. What’s up?”
“I secured you a job is what’s up!”
“Oh my gosh, seriously? When? How?”
“It starts next week, but it’s only on Fridays. The nurse who works with me has been with the hospital for fifty years. She says it’s time she started using up all her sick days before she retires. For now, she’s taking every Friday off. You want to take her position?”
“Um, yeah, but are you sure it’s OK for me to just jump in?”
“Of course it’s OK. I had to pull a few strings, but it’s a done deal if you want to work at the hospital.”
“That sounds amazing. Let me talk to Xander and I’ll get back to you.”
“Talk to Xander?” Shoot! I hadn’t told anyone about our wedding. “Is it because of babysitting? The hospital says you can bring Alex to the preschool here. As long as she’s potty-trained, they’ll take her.”
There wasn’t enough time to explain all that had happened in my life. I decided to end the conversation with, “Shall I come in tomorrow to meet with HR and sign papers?”
“You got it. Maybe we can go out for lunch after? I take lunch around 1:30.”
“That sounds great, Larry. I’ll make sure to be at the hospital around that time. See you then.”
“See you.”
Telling Xander about my job with Larry, telling Larry about my marriage to Xander—I didn’t know which man was going to give me a harder time.
*******
“How are my beautiful girls doing?” I kissed my wife while reaching for my daughter. “Were you a good girl for Momma?” I asked when I picked her up.
“Yes, Daddy.” She sounded so innocent.
“Should I ask Momma if you were a good girl?”
My beauty shook her curly mop of hair, no.
“You need a haircut, Alex.”
“No, Mom! I no want a haircut. I want my hair to be like Ariel’s.”
“You definitely lean toward the red, Alex, that’s for sure. Where does this red come from?” I asked. “Mom and Lex are both blondes.”
“If you’ll recall her early pictures, Alex was blonde for a few months. Then, she turned into a strawberry blonde. Now, I don’t know what she is. It must be from your side of the family because as you can see, I have thick, dark, Asian hair with hardly any curls. I think your mom said at some point that Lex was a strawberry blonde, but she’s bleached her hair enough times to kill the red.”
“I don’t remember, but then again, she is much younger than I am. I notice her more now because I don’t like the way men notice her. The way she dresses is indecent. You need to have a talk with her, Jenna.”
“I will do no such thing, Xander. She’s a grown woman. She’s a young woman. She has a stunning face and body—so what if she wants to show it off a little?”
“A little?” I couldn’t believe my wife was taking my sister’s side. “Would you allow our daughter to dress like Lex?”
That’s where I got her. Jenna quickly changed topics and said, “What do you want for dinner, Alex?”
“Chicken and fries. Let’s go, Mom. I’m hungry.”
“Our daughter says she’s hungry. Let’s go, Dad.”
I kissed my wife and said, “You’re adorable, Jenna Blane.”
“No kisses for Mom. Only kisses for Alex.” Our daughter grabbed my face and told me this serious fact.
“How are we to produce your baby sister or brother if there are no kisses for Mom?” I asked in return.
“No baby sister or brother.”
“Our girl knows what she wants,” I told my wife.
“Or better stated, what she doesn’t want,” my wife told me.
A simple dinner out with my family made me crazy happy. I knew I’d enjoy being married to Jenna. Just how much I’d enjoy myself even surprised me.
Together, we strapped our daughter into the high chair and Jenna took out a book for Alex to “read” while we ordered dinner. There was another toddler at the next table which fortunately for us, occupied much of our daughter’s attention.
“I have some news, Xander.”
“OK. Tell me.”
“I got a job.”
“You did.” I wasn’t quite sure I was happy about this news.
“It’s only one day a week. I’d only work on Fridays.” This, I liked.
“Sounds good.”
“I want to go back to work, but don’t want to leave Alex. I’m at a loss for what to do. What do you think?” I loved that she was coming to me and asking for my opinion.
If this is what she wanted, I’d do my best to help her succeed. “I can stay home on Fridays if that will ease your mind. On the days where I can’t stay home, we have more than enough babysitters who live down the road.”
I could tell she liked what I’d said, but there was still some concern in her eyes. “So, I have two questions I need to ask you and I’m hoping you won’t be upset with me for asking.”
“Jenna,” I reassured, “the fact that you’re discussing your life with me makes me want to say yes to anything you ask.” I leaned over and kissed my wife on her lips. It wasn’t easy with a child in between us. “Ask away.”
“First, would you mind if I took Alex with me to the hospital and had her attend the preschool there?” There was no reason to be, but my wife was nervous as hell. “I’ve always had Alex with me. It would be weird for me to leave her at home when I went to work. She’s like a security blanket. Sometimes I wonder who’s the mother and who’s the child,” Jenna rambled.
“Done.” It was a wonder why Jenna even had to ask. However, I loved her for trusting me. “What’s th
e second question?”
She hesitated briefly, then said, “I’d be working under Dr. Larry Tanner. Would that bother you?”
“Hell yes.” I answered with no hesitation.
“Damn,” my wife spit out.
*******
I was hoping and praying that Xander would think nothing of me working with a friend. Obviously, I was wrong.
“All right. Let’s talk about this.” At least my husband was willing to talk rather than cut me off without another word. “I’d forgotten about Larry, but since his name is on the table, let me ask you about your relationship with him. The last time I saw him, you two were in an embrace at a hotel in New York.”
The part of me that wanted to be pissed couldn’t surface just yet. None of what Xander said was untrue. I needed to explain, again, why Larry and I were together at that time.
“Larry and I’ve always been friends—just friends.”
“He’s never wanted anything more?”
Aargh! “He has, but nothing came of it. He’s been good to both me and Alex.”
The sigh/growl emitting from the man sitting two seats away was never a good sign. “Why’d you always stay with him when you visited LA?”
“Larry asked us to stay with him.” From the look of fury on his face, that wasn’t a smart thing to say. “Janine’s house had been under construction for close to two years. Larry’s house was empty, big, and always available. With Alex in tow, I felt more comfortable being in a house rather than a hotel. Plus, I was saving money to buy a house so Alex would have a backyard to run around in. Of course, I would’ve preferred staying with Janine, but Larry wasn’t a bad option. In fact, he was a great option.”
“So nothing ever happened between you two? You and he never—”
I cut him off. “Never.” His face finally softened. “I’ve never considered Larry as anything but a friend, a very good friend.”
“Why didn’t you ever get together with him?” Was this a trick question?
“Xander,” I reassured, “you’re the only man I’ve ever loved. Even when we weren’t together, there was always love in my heart for you. Look at how I married you readily after you announced our nuptials. I don’t know how to fight you and push you away.”
Now my husband was chuckling. “Dear Wife, you push me plenty—then and now. I don’t recall a docile bride. If I remember correctly, I had to go chasing after my runaway bride.”
Somehow, I was no closer to going to work with Larry than when I’d started this conversation ten minutes ago. Our food had arrived, our daughter was happy eating and staring at her new toddler friend, but we were still at an impasse. I was trying my hardest not to lose it and tell Xander that I was going to work no matter what he mandated.
It was time to try a different tactic.
“What is it that’s really bothering you, Xander? I’ve told you that Larry and I have only ever been friends and that my heart has always belonged to you. What’s going on? The truth?”
*******
I was embarrassed to admit it, but since my partner in life asked for honesty, I’d give it to her. “It eats at me to know that he was there for you and my daughter when I wasn’t. He saw her when she was born, he was at her first birthday, he was there to see her grow up. If there was ever a time when Alex wondered, she probably believed he was her father. It fucking kills me to think all this.”
“Xander.” My wife walked around the table and sat on the other side of me, bringing her chair as close as possible. “Alexandria was a baby. She had no clue who anyone was, except for me. She loved everyone who loved her—that’s what babies do. However, if you’ll recall, she took to you from the moment you met her. Outside of work, she has never been apart from me and she went willingly with you when you asked. She loved you instantly and knew you were someone very special in her life. Have no doubt about our feelings for you. Even after all that’s happened between us, Alex and I are here eating dinner with you and not Larry. We love you.”
I drew my wife into my body. “I love you too,” was all that needed to be said. My insecurities were placated.
“So...”
“If you really want to work, go ahead. I won’t take issues.”
“Thank you, Xander.”
“Thank you, Sweet Jenna, and I’m sorry for making such a fuss. You’ll see, with time, that I have a lot of hang-ups about our time apart. If I could do those years again—”
“I thought we were going to stop all this nonsense. You’re the one who asked me to let go of my dark days. I’m asking you to do the same. We are married now and need to care for our baby girl, and whoever else might come along.”
“Are you—?”
“No different than the first time I conceived, we haven’t exactly been careful, have we? I’m sure with our nightly loving, another one will happen soon.”
“I can’t wait.”
“You really want another child?” Jenna still didn’t understand why I wanted a houseful of kids.
“However many you’ll give me, I want. This time, I’ll be there for our child from the moment he or she enters this world. I won’t miss a thing.”
“All that matters to your daughter is that you’re here now, Xander. You’ve more than made it up to her.”
“Shall we start looking for a new house?”
“What? A bit random.”
“Our house is not exactly child-friendly and it doesn’t have a grassy backyard for them to run around in.”
“Yeah, but it has the sand and the ocean. Who needs grass with that combination?”
“It’s not big enough.”
“It’s plenty big, Xander. I don’t think we need to move.”
“Shall I have someone draw up plans to join the guesthouse with the main house? Then, each kid can have a bedroom.”
My wife laughed. “Sure. If it can be done organically, and with minimal mess, go ahead. Otherwise, the kids can share bedrooms. There are four bedrooms in the house already, and we can always turn the office into a bedroom and set up shop in the guesthouse. I hardly think we need more than four or five bedrooms.”
“So two kids per bedroom?”
Jenna laughed even harder now. “Yeah. Two kids per room. The twelve of us are going to make for some happy times.”
*******
“Hello, Alex. You’ve gotten so big. When did you grow this tall?”
“No! Don’t talk to me. I don’t like you. I want to go home, Mom.”
“Alex,” I chided my daughter who was being rude to Dr. Larry Tanner. “This is our friend, Dr. Tanner. Don’t you remember him? He gave you that rocking horse you so love.”
“No! I don’t love rocking horse.” She was unhappy today.
“Sorry, Larry. Alex didn’t want to come with me. She says she’s done with preschool and doesn’t want to attend.” I apologized for my daughter’s rude behavior.
“You’re still as cute as ever.” Larry announced as he tousled my daughter’s hair.
“My hair. My hair.” Alex was bringing out all kinds of drama today.
Larry chuckled and picked Alex from my arms and landed her atop his shoulders. “Let’s go meet some new friends, see all the toys and books, and say hello to your new teachers, Alex.”
“No friends. No toys. No books. No teachers.” With her loudest voice, she let everyone on the fourth floor know that she was unhappy, though she had no qualms about bouncing around on Larry’s shoulders. “Look, Momma. I’m tall.”
“Yes, you are, Baby.”
When we arrived at the preschool, Alex took no time at all getting used to her surroundings. Instantly, she was in love with an old typewriter. She gravitated toward this new toy. I was a fool to worry about her adjustment. My daughter barely gave me a second glance when I left to get acclimated to my new environment.
“You worried for nothing, huh?” Larry knew me well.
“I guess I did.”
Larry tousled my hair in the same way and showed m
e around the hospital. After all the i’s were dotted and the t’s were crossed, we sat down to lunch.
“How’ve you been? We haven’t spoken in weeks. Janine told me that she’s lost contact with you, too.”
Shoot. This was going to be a long conversation. “I called Janine this morning. It had been a while but we got caught up on each other’s lives. It’s time I did the same with you. A lot has happened in a very short while.”
Like his usual self, Larry was easy-going and had a constant smile on his face. “Start with your editing job. Mom tells me that you’ve cut back on work. Are you thinking of fazing editing out of your life?”
“No way. I love it. It’s my escape from the real world, and I look forward to every book that comes my way. I’m in the process of editing a book for a young, straight-out-of-college author who lives in LA somewhere. She’s written a romantic thriller and for the life of me, I can find neither the errors nor the culprit. I still very much enjoy editing.”
“That’s good. Mom was worried you might not want to do this for much longer. I’ll let her know you’re still interested,”
“Since I moved back here, I’ve been busier than I ever thought I’d be.”
“Tell me what’s kept you so busy.”
Here was my opening to be completely honest. My friend, Janine, had told me this morning that Larry deserved nothing but honesty from me. She was right.
“Xander and I got married last week.” I didn’t mean to blurt it out, but there it was.
Larry was shocked, and speechless, and eventually angry. “Why would you marry that asshole? He’s neglected you and Alex the first three years of her existence, and now you’re one big happy family?”
The best and most truthful answer I could give him was, “I love Xander. I’ve always loved him.”
“After all he’s done to you, after the painful years you lived without him, all your struggles and hardships—all is perfect the moment he shows up? Aren’t you angry with him? Don’t you have any self-pride? Why would you take him back that easily? Doesn’t it worry you that he might hurt you again? I can’t believe you’re so gullible, Jenna. I thought you were better than that.”