by Pete Adams
Sidling, squeezing, baby steps, Jack was slowly making his way to the door and Father Mike, ‘Did I just say that out loud?’
Head fish returned to the surface, he noticed all the wrinkles on her face and thought how come Mandy’s wrinkles look lovely, ‘You did, you rude man.’
The fun was dissipating, so he cast his net, ‘Ladies, you need to be raising this with the Chief Constabule or your MP. Failing that I would suggest a word in the shell like of your dear Mr Mackeroon or his sycophant sidekick, Blott.’
‘Blogg.’
‘I beg your pardon?’ Nearly there, Jack could almost reach out and touch Mike.
‘It’s Mr Blogg, and whilst we may not have voted for him, at least he is doing something to help us to turn the country around.’
Jack reached the door and looked pleadingly for Sid to press the release button. Sid was enjoying this contretemps with the fish people. Lady, how’s your father, old boot Smythe, was still haranguing Jack and getting full vocal support from her fellow poisson preserve makers, while Jack was mouthing to Sid, ‘Open the feckin’ door.’
Sid leaned, ‘The bike, Jack?’
‘Alright, it was Nobby, but I said I would cover for him.’
‘Nobby?’
Jack nodded, ‘Now let us in.’
‘What’s the magic word?’
‘Let us in pretty pleeeeease with brass knobs kind Sid the honest injun.’
The door fell open and Jack and Father Mike were sucked into the vacuum of the security lobby and then through to the interview room corridor.
‘In here, Mike.’ Jack went into the first interview room and there was Paolo, Jed Bailey, Buddha and Len, ‘Len, Buddha, sorry.’
Heard as the door closed, “Lionel”, “Whose fucking Buddha?”, “You, I think”.
‘Let’s try this one, Mike,’ It was empty, and Jack thought, all this time he never knew where Dolly kept her aerosols, and all of a sudden thought of a deckchair song, ‘Aerosols are cheap today, cheaper than yesterday,’ Italian opera, nothing like it.’ Mike agreed it was nothing like it. Irritated, Jack turned to Father Philistine, ‘What’s so important? I had a very important meeting on the go.’
‘No, you didn’t, you were fondling and kissing Mandy.’
‘How the fuck?’
‘I guessed, but right by the looks of it, 658 to 1, I think.’
‘Bugger off 658, I still have three thousand from the other day.’
‘I give in, now shut-up, I need to talk to you.’ Jack applied his victory smile, wobbled his head and hummed “Doctor Who.” ‘Jack, I’ve had a message from Mickey Splif, Keanu is reporting, and you know what I think about that, but you may have had a point when your eye wrinkled.’
‘Itched Mike, how many times, and then I get a sort of pain behind the loose skin, gives me Gyp as my Nan used to say.’
Matching Jack’s irritation, ‘Whatever, Jack. Del-Boy has a team in place, but we need to get Keanu out, it’s not safe.’
‘Shut-up, Mike, he’s only working Saturdays.’
‘He picked up some time after school, the point is, he’s there now, and it’s dangerous.’
The door opened and Mandy pushed herself in, observing two late middle-aged men face to face arguing in a tiny cleaner’s cupboard, and thinking, this can only happen with Jack. ‘A ménage a trois was not what I had in mind, but the room is so appealing, especially the smell, a girl could be tempted. Jack, you left me on the hook.’
Mike looked worried; welcome to my world Jack thought. ‘Mandy sweet’art, I will manage your Artois’s later, but for now the spooks have a set up at Osama’s and we have to get Keanu out before they make the take down,’ he looked at Mike, ‘that’s how the Yanks say it.’ Philistine Mike was unimpressed, and embarrassingly for Mandy, Mike fumbled in his trouser pockets, seemingly for ages, causing them all to shuffle around. Eventually he handed a piece of paper to Jack; familiar she thought. Jack read and at the same time tumbled through the cupboard door. ‘Mike you’d better go out the back way. Mandy, some things to sort,’ and still a gangling stick man, he disappeared rapidly down the corridor. Mike left and Mandy caught Jack up as he held the door of the rear staircase for her.
‘One day you are going to tell me about you and Jesus,’ she said to his bouncy arse cheeks as they bobbed up the stairs.
‘I heard that,’ he said, puffing, looking back at a smiling beautiful woman with her tongue out.
Forty
‘Alice Springs,’ her head popped up, ‘we need Jo-Jums back, now please.’ Jack was issuing orders from the stair doorway, waiting for Mandy. ‘Get Frankie and Confucius, I need them on the computers, if you could get into that now I would be most exceedingly obliged, my lovely.’
‘I’m here, Jack,’ a furtive Jo-Jums slipping from the tea room.
Alice had her hand up, ‘Frankie and Connie are in the ladies locker room.’
‘Well, get them out, this is urgent.’
‘Do you have a twitch in your eye, Sir?’
‘What’s that got to do with the price of fish?’
‘I was thinking back to when you stormed Osama’s, know what I mean nudge, nudge?’
Jack caught on, ‘Okay, knock a few times if you have to, but get them back here, blimey it’s all going on here today.’
‘Or not,’ Jo-Jums said as a sheepish Wallace appeared from the tea room.
‘Well, I didn’t see that coming; Chop, Chop everyone,’ and Jack handed Jo, Mike’s note. ‘Get KFC to patch that into their box of tricks, sweet’art, and set up a command, Mandy will brief you. Wally, Nobby, arses into gear you’re driving me to Osama’s, and Alice, I need you to get Uncle Alfie to meet me there with a couple of reliable mates, atom bomb urgent, okay?’
Alice responded putting her jacket on, ‘Jack, can I come with you? I’ll call Oncle Alfie from the car.’ Jack thought it looks like you’re coming anyway, and he needed more exertion classes.
Jack kissed Mandy lightly on her cheek, ‘Sorry about this, lover, keep something warm for me.’
‘Hot water bottle?’
‘Won’t need it, love,’ and having achieved the last word, he dashed off with Wally, Nobby, with Alice, following him down the stairs phoning her oncle. ‘Wally, you got your car?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘When this is over, I want you to tell me about you and Jo-Jums before I smash your head in.’ Wally looked embarrassed, Alice took it in her stride.
More red faces from Connie and Frankie, but more Connie, Mandy thought. Jo-Jums passed the note to Frankie. Mandy spoke to the Chinese computer officer, ‘Connie, it’s a rite of passage, screwing in the locker rooms, and between you and me if this shite had not happened I would have been shagging on my desk, so, get on with your job then get home with Frankie and do it properly, okay?’
‘Yes, Ma’am.’ A crimson Connie went over to Frankie, the trouper, who put her arm around her Chinese partner, kissed her cheek, and commenced briefing. Frankie had already tapped in the codes, and on the screens they could see various views of Osama’s Asian Emporium, and what looked like the bloke from the A34.
Not knowing how these things worked, Mandy took a chance, ‘Del-Boy, is that you?’
‘Ah, Miss Pumps, is Jack on his way?’
‘He is.’
‘Has he thought of a way to get the kid out?’
‘If I know Jack, he will wing it, but it will be a plan, and will have as good a chance as anything else anyone can think of.’
‘Yeah, that’s Jack alright,’ he chuckled knowingly. Jo and Mandy looked at each other quizzically, then responded to some shuffling noise and a little resistance somewhere behind Del. ‘Mands, this looks like the bloke Jack asked to meet him, a Mr Fish.’
‘Alfie Herring.’
‘Sorry, sweet’art, didn’t get that.’
She repeated, ‘Herring.’
‘Well, get deaf aids then,’ and he laughed, looked at his Oppos beside him, who also thought it was a brilliant qui
p. Before Mandy could get to her repost, Del-Boy had turned his back and was talking to Alfie, when Jack appeared, stick man fighting the soreness.
‘It’s Jack, Mandy.’
And showing her irritation, ‘I can see, you know.’
‘Yes, but can you hear?’
There was a chuckle from KFC who were still tapping things and Mandy smiled. Jack turned and began to speak to a discreet mic and camera, a hearing piece to his ear, ‘Mandy, Jo, can you hear me?’
‘Loud and clear, Gobshite,’ Mandy responded.
‘Is that you, Jo?’ Last word again, Mandy thought. ‘Listen up, babes, Del-Boy has the con liaising with you and Jo, okay.’
‘Okay,’ Mandy looked to Jo, ‘Con?’
‘Prep some of the boys in blue, we’ll need armed support, paramedics and ambulances, fire brigade, and Jo, no blues and twos. Connie, I hope Mandy has reassured you about rites of passage and all that, ‘cause I need you focused sweet'art.’ Mandy thought, good man, very thoughtful. ‘Connie and Frankie, add this to your set up,’ and he looked at another piece of paper, glanced at Del and read out some codes, ‘your spook contact, he will tell you where to direct the armed support and where to stack the back-up, have you got that on screen?’
‘Yes, we have contact now.’
‘Okay, well, I’m going in with Alfie, so, Mandy, shut-up and listen, I love you very much and I'm ready, but I thought we might skip the pictures tonight, hope that’s okay.’
Mandy sensed a tear tingle on her cheek, ‘Got that, I love you too, and don’t take any risks.’
Jack turned to a spook nearby and said, ‘This thing’s up the spout. If she gets back on the line tell her I said get another pair of stockings out of her drawer and make sure she has them on for when I get back.’
Jo-Jums put her hand on Mandy’s shoulder as they watched Jack waddle up to Alfie and his cronies, and they sauntered and rolled jauntily to the shop, stick man incongruously following. As they got in amongst the street display stalls, two of the men started fighting. Jack got in-between, his Lowry arms wheeling and spinning.
‘My God, what’s happening?’ Mandy and Jo could only watch. Jack was shouting, swinging the odd punch, they couldn’t hear but they knew Jack, there had to be lots of swearing, as they bundled inside the shop.
Osama came out of the back as a shelf of eastern produce went west, ‘Mr Austin, what the fuck, in it?’
‘I’ll tell you what, that oik there,’ and one of Alfie’s mates pointed to Keanu, shaking like a leaf, ‘he’s been knocking off my daughter, and she’s only fourteen.’
Alfie faced the man up, ‘Keep your fucking hands off, or you’ll have to deal with me.’
‘You don’t scare me, Herring.’
Jack grabbed Keanu and pulled him aside, ‘Get out and run at least two streets.’ Keanu needed no further prompting, and the youngster shot out just as the bundle escalated. Alfie, Charlie, and some bloke Jack had never heard of, but looked like Plug out of the Beano, went at it hammer and tongs, more shelves went flying; magnos and rice Jack noticed. Mrs Ali was hitting Alfie with a stick. Jack grabbed her, she screamed, and Jack shouted to Osama, ‘Get the fuck out now, in it,’ and he dragged Mrs Ali as Alfie physically picked up Osama, knocking Jack over, causing him to release Mrs Ali, but she was collected by Plug and the other man, and they made their burdensome dash for the exit.
Back at the CP room, a stressed Mandy mumbled, ‘It’s Keanu, they’ve got him out. Come on, Jack.’ They watched Alfie exit with Osama under his arm, the other two men carried Mrs Ali. ‘Where’s Jack?’ There was a yellow then orange flash on all of four screens and the front of the shop blew out. Alfie and Osama went sprawling. Mrs Ali and the two men went down but seemed to be shielded as they had dragged the big woman to the hairdressers, still offering cheap manicures, ‘Oh my God!’
‘Mandy,’ Jo looked. Mandy had gone rigid, blood visibly draining from her face, tears that at first welled, dribbled, then stood out like rivulets on her cheeks; she seemed not to blink, no breath. Out of nowhere a detached keening grew in intensity, a high-pitched wail came from her gut, and grew steadily in volume. Every woman converged on Mandy to offer support, hugged a screeching Banshee as the keening grew in intensity. Dolly pushed, her tiny body smothered Mandy, and together they dropped to the floor. Mandy was cradled by this thin and diminutive old woman, smelling of lavender polish and ever so slightly of wee.
The computers were spilling out detached voices, Del-Boy’s, clear and in control. ‘Jo, I need you, focus, back-up, fire brigade and paramedics now.’
Jo responded, ‘On the way, Jack, what’s happening?’
Del replied, ‘Jo, the smoke and debris is just clearing and the place is afire. I’m sorry, Jack didn’t get out, they must have blown themselves up.’
‘Can you get in there?’
‘Jo, we have to keep clear for secondary explosions, and there may be a shooter still active, it can happen.’ Mandy heard and the wailing that had begun to subside, resumed, increased in volume and intensity. ‘Fuck me what’s that?’ a shout from Del, ‘armed backup, on my command, medic, and zoom a camera in on that movement.’ A zooming picture revealed the smoking, blown out frontage.
‘Someone’s coming out. Oh Jeeez, it's Jack,’ Frankie said. Mandy sprung up, Frankie called, ‘Keep her back, looks like his skin has peeled off. Oh, Jack.’
There was another disembodied shout, ‘Whose that fucking idiot, come back, lad.’
‘Nobby,’ nobody had noticed the Commander, ‘Oh God, son, what are you doing?’ On the screen they watched Nobby plough through debris, settling ash, and put Jack’s arm over his shoulder, Jack was losing it, and Nobby was struggling. Mandy looked on, not breathing; the keening had stopped. Armed and shielded units began slowly to approach, someone else broke through the lines and they heard Del-Boy shout, ‘Mike.’ Father Mike reached them and with Nobby they had Jack back on his feet.
Dolly spoke, ‘What has happened to you, Jack?’ she was weeping. Jack raised his pink hand, now a singed, distorted shape, like a big drippy Halloween monster’s claw; he was waving it.
An armed response officer reached them and reported back. ‘Sir, I have Jack, he appears to be covered in what I think looks like, and certainly smells like, mango.’ There was a roar of laughter as Jack stood erect and waved his drippy pink hand, the zoomed image showed him covered in a pulp of orange goo. There was blood, but it looked remarkably as though Teflon Jack had survived.
They reached Del-Boy, Jack waved a paramedic away, ‘In a minute, mate.’
‘Jack, you gave us a scare.’
‘Del-Boy, is that thing working?’
‘Yes, it’s patched to Mandy and...’
Before Del could finish, Jack was speaking, ‘Amanda,’ he was breathy, but determined, ‘close your mouth we are not a cod fish, get the stockings on sweet’art, I’m coming home.’
Del-Boy butted in, ‘I was going on to say this is patched to your Nick and the Home Office, I do believe the Home Secretary is listening...’
Jack was completely unfazed, ‘That twat. I never voted for you, and get the money back into the police you short-arse, baldy cretin,’ then Jack collapsed, and paramedics swarmed.
Mandy screamed, ‘Jack, you Gobshite, I’ll tear your balls off one by one.’
Dolly pulled her arm, ‘He’s acting, look…’
Jack was winking and mouthing, ‘Just rub-em a bit.’
Del-Boy came on screen, ‘They’re taking him to QA hospital, Mandy, I gather they know him quite well.’ There was a murmur of laughter around the room, more of relief than jocularity. Jack was not on all cylinders, but firing, nevertheless. ‘Mandy, it’s time me and my team disappeared, be nice to meet up sometime. Frankie and Connie, good work, upgrades coming, so watch this space, your Comms will go down any minute.’
He turned to go but Mandy called out, ‘Del, how do you know Jack?’
He looked back, ‘Mandy, Jack and I go back a long way. I n
ever thought he would get over Kate, but I think you have him there; bless you for that.’ He turned to one of his men and Mandy could hear him saying he was ready. He swivelled back to the camera, ‘Mandy, I’m off, I've a meeting with a widow, but one more thing.’
‘Del?’
‘Jack’s not as tough as he says he is,’ and he melted into the crowd, Del was gone.
‘I’ve sorted bluebottle cabs, I’ll get hold of Michael and Alana,’ Jo said.
‘What?’ Relief, the Commander was making a twat of himself.
Forty-One
‘Says here you fell off your bike into a box of Mangos?’ the triage nurse was grinning.
‘Jim, don’t be a Pratt.’
‘It’s James,’ he carried on with his checks.
‘Jim get me sorted, I’ve a date with a beautiful woman.’
James laughed automatically but focused on Jack’s vitals. Nurse Exactly was cutting away Jack’s shredded clothes, cleaning him up. ‘I used to like Mango, James, but mixed with blood, and what looks like rice, isn’t doing me any favours right now.’ James Mmm’d. ‘What’s this stuff?’
Jack stiffly raised his head, ‘Mumbai Mix.’
‘Don’t you mean Bombay mix?’
There was a response from the next treatment bay, ‘And that’s how it all started, Bombay Mix.’
‘Kipper, is that you? Exactly, can you pull that curtain back please?’ The nurse looked at James who nodded, still focused on his analysis to which Jack was oblivious, which was worrying James. Exactly pulled the curtain to reveal Alfie Herring on the adjacent exam couch, ‘Looks like you got smoked Kipper,’ Jack remarked, and Alfie machine gunned a laugh. ‘Steady, you nearly had me diving for cover.’ Alfie laughed some more, and Jack thought it was a bit like being on the firing ranges.
Painfully, Alfie turned on his exam couch, ‘Thank you, Jack.’
‘Nurse, ask him who the Prime Monster is, I think he has a bonce injury.’ More laughter from Alfie, and this was beginning to irritate Jack, a response James also noted. ‘Kipper, laugh one more time like that and I will ask the nurse to pull the curtains, it’s nearly my bedtime anyway.’