by M. B. Feeney
“They’re hurting, I get it. I thought it would be so different and less awkward, and now I don’t know what to say or how to act around them.” She knew she was repeating what she’d said to him the day before, but she didn’t know what else to do. They both sat on a swing and the conversation between them and died down.
After a while, Sophie’s phone beeped with a message. She’d given her mum her new number before she and Freddie had gone out. She wanted to prove to her that although she didn’t know if she was going to stay or not, she wanted to remain in contact.
“Oh shit. The police are at the flat and want to speak to me.” Panic came over Sophie. Would they let her keep Joan’s name out of everything? Would Freddie get in trouble for being with her?
“Come on then. Best not keep them waiting.”
The walk back to the flat was quick and without much conversation as Sophie withdrew into her own mind, trying to work out how a conversation with the police would end.
As they approached the block of flats, Freddie pulled her into his arms and gave her a quick kiss.
“Stop worrying. They’re not here to interrogate you, just to ask questions because no one’s been able to find you for so long.”
“I just don’t want you or Joan to get into trouble.”
“Just worry about you, no one else.”
Hand in hand, they walked inside.
The police didn’t stay that long at the flat, surprising Sophie. From what they said, it was a courtesy visit as her mum had contacted the detective in charge of the missing person’s case to let them know Sophie was back home. They’d asked a few questions, but when Sophie refused to go into too many details about where she’d been and who she’d been with, they left her with some information about a charity that would be in contact with her within a few days.
Apparently, they would do a return home interview to ensure she wasn’t lying about having been safe and well looked after while she’d been away. It was confidential, and unless she was in danger or knew of others being in danger, nothing she said would be reported to the police.
Sophie didn’t want to do the interview, but her mum made it clear she wanted her to. Maybe she thought it would make Sophie want to stay, or something. Sophie still wasn’t sure what she wanted to do.
It was almost Christmas, and it was almost time for Freddie to head back to Brighton to be with his family as the trip to Scotland wasn’t on the cards for him anymore.
“Will you let Joan know I’m okay, and that I’ll phone her soon?” Sophie asked as she watched him shoving his things in his bag.
“Of course I will. I’ll phone you after Christmas, make sure you’re okay.”
Sophie could feel tears in her eyes as Freddie zipped his bag closed and got ready to go down to his car. Letting her mum know she would be back in a few minutes, Sophie shoved her feet into her shoes and grabbed a jacket.
“I wish I was going with you. Things are so awkward here with my mum and Jake, I feel like I’m intruding.”
“See how the interview thing goes, build up your relationship with your mum and brother, and take things from there. I’ll come back up in the new year and see how things are going then, okay?”
“Okay.”
Freddie gave her a soft kiss and climbed into his car, worried about the sad look on Sophie’s face. If he didn’t drive away without stopping, he’d either never leave, or bundle her in his car and take her back with him which would undo everything she was trying to do coming back home.
Sophie let herself finally cry when Freddie’s car disappeared out of sight. He’d been a buffer, helping offset the awkwardness between her and Jake. He’d played video games with her brother while Sophie and her mum didn’t know how to move around one another. Now he was gone, things were going to be even more uncomfortable. At least the twins were pleased to see her.
Slowly, she walked back inside, wiping at her face, unsure how things were going to be. Letting herself into the flat, she was overcome with how lonely she felt and was transported to how she felt before she left.
“Are you okay?” Her mum asked, watching her from the doorway of the kitchen.
“Yeah, I think so. Or, I will be at least.”
Melissa followed her into the empty front room.
“I really am glad you’re home Soph. I know it probably doesn’t feel like it and I haven’t shown it much, but I am. It’s going to take me, and Jake, time to adjust to you being back, safe.”
“Mum, I know. I put you all through hell and was selfish. Honestly, I didn’t expect to be gone for so long, but being away I felt like I could breathe after suffocating for a long time. For the first time in months, I couldn’t hear voices calling me names, and I was free to be me. Then, it just got so hard for me to think about coming home without all the bad crap piling up in my brain. It was like I was overloading or something.” Sophie stiffened as her mum wrapped her arms around her to give her a hug.
“Oh honey, I wish you’d told me how bad things were; I hadn’t expected things for you to be plain sailing after the abortion, but to go through that alone must have been horrible.”
“I wish I’d said something too, but at the time I felt like I’d be bothering you while you were so busy with Elsie and Maisie and I didn’t want to pile more onto you.”
“You wouldn’t have been, I would have had your back.”
Melissa held back her own tears as she watched her daughter’s flow freely, hating that her eldest baby could have hidden all that was happening from her.
“Listen. Hindsight is twenty-twenty. We can’t go back, but we can face the future together. Promise me, if you ever feel like that again, you’ll come and tell me.”
“I promise.” Sophie seemed to find it hard to look at her mum while she spoke.
“And I’ll make you a promise. If, after a while, you decide you want to go back to wherever it is you were staying, I won’t stand in your way as long as you go to school to catch up with your exams, and you stay in contact with us all.”
Relief flowed through Sophie at her mum’s words. She knew it must have been hard for Melissa to say that, to give a fifteen-year old an ‘out’, even with conditions attached. All of a sudden, she felt she could breathe easier and almost imagined the smell of seawater. She threw her arms around her mother, squeezing tightly, and it was a while before she could speak again.
“Thanks mum.”
Christmas Day was quiet. Sophie hadn’t bought anyone any presents, which didn’t seem to bother anyone outwardly, but she felt guilty because her mum had bought her a couple of gifts which showed her mum had hoped she’d come back at some point.
“Do you mind if I go for a walk?” She asked her mum after everyone had eaten their Christmas dinner and helped clean up.
“Of course not. Take your phone though.”
Translation; make sure I can get hold of you at all times.
Sophie got it, she did. Despite their heart-to-heart, her mum was still worried about her leaving without telling anyone again, despite Sophie’s promises; but the claustrophobia in the flat was driving her nuts. She dreamed of being able to walk along the beach again, to have the wind whip her hair around her face, and to listen to the waves.
The only breaks she got from being surrounded at all times was to walk to the playground in the middle of the estate and sit on one of the swings. No one else seemed to use the area much anymore and she was left alone to try and make sense of her scrambled thoughts. She also used the time to phone Freddie to catch up with him and Joan. She’d only been back in London for a week, but she missed Brighton as if she’d left a limb there.
Christmas Day was quiet on the estate as she walked, everyone spending time with their families, eating far too much food, and playing games or following traditions known only to them. Snippets of conversation filtered down to her through open windows or balcony doors as she walked, but there was no one else outside. It was almost eerie, looking around and not seeing lit
tle kids the way it used to be when she was younger.
Relishing the quiet, Sophie began to move the swing back and forth, slowly building up her momentum. Soon, she was flying, the cold air stinging at her face as she grinned at the feeling of freedom. When the sensation began to fade and turn into a touch of motion sickness, she waited until the swing reached the top of its movement forwards and jumped.
It felt as if she were moving in slow motion through the air until she landed on the hard ground with an agility she’d forgotten she’d possessed and a grunt. Standing up once she was sure she wasn’t going to fall over, Sophie grinned again as if she were a gymnast landing an impossible jump at the Olympics before deciding to go back home.
Deciding nothing was going to ruin her good mood, she sent a text to Freddie telling him she missed him and that she was having a good day. Maybe, once she’d helped her mum tidy up around the flat, she could talk her family into playing a few board games, or simply spending time together and realising they could have fun together again; the way it was before she left.
As she approached the block, tapping out a reply to the text Freddie had sent detailing that he had eaten and spent most of the day with his family, but had popped round to see Joan. Sophie had bought the older woman a couple of presents which were hidden in the wardrobe in her bedroom and wanted him to go and get them out so he could give them to Joan on her behalf. A small bottle of perfume and some new slippers weren’t much, but it was all Sophie could afford and she wanted to make sure Joan felt appreciated.
Apparently, she’d loved them, shed a tear, and then insisted on feeding Freddie which made Sophie laugh. She knew he could eat a lot, but two Christmas dinners would be pushing it. She also knew he couldn’t refuse Joan anything, so would suffer in silence.
She shoved her phone in her pocket as she let herself into the warm flat. She could hear the TV in the front room, the twins were obviously watching some insane cartoon and their laughter made her smile. Sounds of shooting came from Jake’s bedroom where he was locked away with a new video game that had been his favourite present, and Sophie could hear her mum pottering around in the kitchen making a drink. She must have been on the phone as she could hear her voice as she spoke to someone.
“Soph, that you?”
“Yeah.”
“Can you come here a second?”
Sophie hung her coat up, slid her shoes off her feet to shove them in her slippers, and walked to the kitchen. Melissa wasn’t on the phone catching up with family, Katie was in the tiny room, looking nervous and apprehensive.
Katie felt sick as Sophie watched her from across the room. She’d been surprised when she’d got a text from Sophie’s mum asking her to pop over when she had free few minutes. She hadn’t known Sophie was back until Melissa had told her as they sat in the front room waiting for Sophie to get back from her walk. Katie was pleased her friend was back home but was dreading seeing her because of how easily she’d been turned against Sophie by everyone who was calling her names.
When Sophie let herself into the flat, Katie’s heart had jumped into her throat and her mouth had gone dry.
“Don’t worry. Just talk and let one another hear the truth without hurting each other. It’s time you two worked things out and began repairing your friendship.” Melissa had murmured after calling out to her daughter.
The moment she set eyes on Sophie when she’d walked into the kitchen, Katie wanted to cry. Her best friend, the only person who knew her as well as she knew herself, looked so different – but exactly the same all at the same time. It wasn’t just her new hair colour and style, but the way Sophie carried herself. There was a hint of steel behind the new curves and her eyes had a look of cynicism to them.
“Hi.” Katie eventually spoke after realising Sophie wasn’t going to break the awkward silence first.
“Hi.”
“Why don’t you two go and sit in the front room while I sort the girls out with their bath and get them into bed?” Melissa shepherded the two of them into the other room and ushered the twins out leaving them alone. Katie didn’t know what to say once they were alone, and from what she could tell, Sophie didn’t either.
The two of them sat on opposite sides of the room, avoiding making eye contact. The longer the silence went on, the more uncomfortable Katie felt and didn’t know how to overcome it. Eventually, she bit the bullet and spoke.
“Your hair looks great like that.” She knew it was a shallow thing to say, but it had to be better than saying nothing at all.
“Thanks. I wasn’t sure about it at first, but it’s grown on me.”
She could feel Sophie’s eyes on her and looked up to meet them with her own. A soft smile passed between them, but nothing more was said.
Hating how she felt, Katie stood up and mumbled something about going home. There was so much she wanted to say to Sophie, she just didn’t know how to say it.
“I better get going.” She mumbled, still not looking at Sophie who didn’t say anything.
Katie pulled her coat, gloves, and scarf on, moving as slowly as she could in the hopes that Sophie would start a conversation with her, but she didn’t. It wasn’t until Katie was opening the front door that Sophie called out her name.
“Wait up, I’ll come with you.”
Sophie walked alongside Katie, not sure why she’d decided to leave the flat with her. She hadn’t seen her former best friend in nine months – the irony of the amount of time didn’t escape her as they walked outside, following the route Sophie had walked not even an hour before.
“Where did you go, Soph?” Katie asked softly.
“I don’t want to say, but I was safe, and happy.”
Sophie knew Katie didn’t expect her to tell her everything, but knew she had to ask, they all had to ask.
“I’m glad you were happy, I really am. After the way everyone, me included, treated you, you deserved to be happy and it kills me to think that couldn’t have been here.”
“Thanks Katie.” Sophie hated that she couldn’t completely revert to how they used to be, but she’d been hurt by people she’d thought were friends, especially her best friend, and it was going to take a lot for her to forgive and forget.
“I hate the way I treated you, hate the fact I fell for their lies and hate, hate that I abandoned you when you needed me the most. I know it may be easy for me to say the words, but I want you to know I mean them.”
Sophie looked at Katie, saw her unshed tears. It was clear she meant everything she said, and she was sorry, but Sophie couldn’t move past the way her best friend had abandoned her when she needed her the most.
“I believe you, I do, but…”
“Yeah, I know. I never expected you to forgive me when I can’t forgive myself. It’s why I told your mum everything after you left; I’d hoped you get in touch and she’d be able to tell you who’s fault it was that everyone found out.”
“Who even was it? Mum never said.”
“Some girl called Joanne Davies. She’s the year above us and she did her work experience at the clinic where you spoke to the nurse the first time. She found your notes on the computer system, then managed to track you down at the hospital because her cousin works there as a receptionist or something.”
Sophie couldn’t believe what she was hearing. How could a seventeen-year-old have access to personal stuff like that? Katie must have seen the question on her face and started speaking again.
“When I told your mum about it, she was raging. She told the police and the school. Joanne got suspended for like a week, and the police charged her with crimes against the data protection act or something. She only got a fine, but at least something was done.”
It didn’t feel like enough to Sophie, but as Katie had said, at least something had been done.
“I want to thank you, even if I can’t forgive you yet.” She said, surprising Katie.
“What for? Being a shit friend and a bitch?” Well, yeah…
�
�No. For helping mum log into my Facebook and Twitter so she could show the school and the police the messages I’d been getting.”
“Aww, Soph. You should have seen her; she was brilliant. She went down the library and printed everything off, with the names showing, then marched up the school. She gave them twenty-four hours to deal with the kids, then she was going to the police. Mr Jones nearly shit himself.”
Sophie could just about picture the headmaster at school. He was a little, weedy man who seemed to dislike teenagers and was pretty scared of most of them. She smiled at the thought of her mum marching into his office and giving him hell.
“I’m glad she did that.”
“She was amazing. The school had a policeman came in and did a big assembly about cyberbullying; how it’s a crime and to remember that whoever messages are being sent to is a real person with feelings. Then they marched everyone in who sent you a message and gave them all a massive bollocking. Whether it made a difference, I have no idea.”
“Probably not, but it’s something at least. As long as some of them think twice and don’t do it to someone else, then it’s worked.”
The pair of them fell silent as they sat on the swings Sophie had been on earlier. Although they’d been speaking, the atmosphere was still awkward between them, but something had shifted slightly. Sophie thought that maybe it was the start of them repairing their friendship; maybe.
“So, now you’re back… will you be coming back to school?” Katie asked, tentatively.
“I don’t know if I’m going to stay.”
“What? Why not?”
“As much as I’ve missed mum, Jake, and the twins, I was happy where I was; I was free to be me again, and I don’t think I can carry on being me if I stay round here. But I know it’ll be hard to leave my family again, to live without them around me. That was the worst thing, not having them with me, to see how I changed for the better, to meet the friends I made who helped me move forward.”