There She Goes

by M. B. Feeney

  “Where will you go? Back to wherever or somewhere else?”

  “Back to where I was. I was so happy there, and people cared about me, despite the choices I made.”

  “I’m glad you found people like that, I really am. I just hope that maybe we can work on becoming friends again before you do go and stay in contact.”

  Sophie looked at Katie. If she was honest with herself, she missed her best friend, had done for months. While it was going to be hard to forget how hurt she was when Katie abandoned her, she wanted them to be friends again. Even if they weren’t as close as before, she couldn’t imagine not having Katie Thomas in her life.

  “I’d like that.”

  Lying on her bed, Sophie fumbled with her phone. Freddie had text her a couple of times to let her know he was going away with his family for New Year and he might not be able to speak much over the next couple of days. Knowing he wasn’t going to be around was hard to get her head around. They often spent a couple of hours texting in the evening, catching up with what was happening in their lives. He was her lifeline to when she was happy, not that she wasn’t happy being at home with her family; but she’d come back to the place where she’d been at her lowest.

  She missed him and Joan so much it felt like a part of her was missing, like a limb had fallen off. Although she’d had the space to grow and get over what had happened, she’d not realised how much she’d depended on the two of them until she didn’t have them around her.

  It was this realisation that made her realise; no matter what happened here in London, she was definitely going to go back to Brighton at some point, probably for good. Knowing her mum would support her in her decision made the choice easier to make. She’d be able to enrol into a local school and get back on track with her GCSEs, and she’d be able to live her life without fear of someone calling her horrible names out of the blue.

  She couldn’t wait, but didn’t want to rush into it too fast, she needed to reconnect with her family first.

  New Year’s Eve passed them by without a lot of fuss. Sophie’s mum let the twins stay up to watch the fireworks outside at midnight, but soon got them into bed. Jake had been allowed to have a lager shandy to celebrate while Sophie stuck to lemonade. The memory of the hangover she suffered the day after meeting Freddie was still fresh in her mind, and she never wanted to feel that way again.

  The first working day after New Year’s Eve, Sophie got a phone call from Harriet Andrews who worked with a charity which helped children who wanted to run away from home. She had been given Sophie’s details by the police and she wanted to go to the flat to do what she called a ‘return home’ interview, which she assured her would be completely confidential. The only time Harriet would be able to tell anyone anything Sophie told her was if there was a known danger to her or anyone else.

  Sophie didn’t particularly want to do the interview with Harriet, but she knew her mum wanted her to before she made her decision whether she was going to stay in London with her family or go back to Brighton, so she arranged a time for Harriet to meet her at the flat.

  On the day Harriet was due to arrive, Sophie’s mum took the twins out to one of the museums in Central London as a treat, and to give Sophie the space to speak with Harriet for as long as they needed. Sophie appreciated it as she didn’t know what questions she’d be asked and what they’d speak about.

  For three hours, Sophie and Harriett talked. It was a relief for Sophie to be able to speak about the good things that had happened after all the bad, to be able to open up about how much Joan and Freddie had helped her come to terms with the choice she’d made and the aftermath of it.

  Harriet had comforted her when she cried about how she felt during the bullying at school and when Katie severed their friendship, she laughed with her when Sophie told her about meeting Freddie and seemed proud of Sophie when she was told about helping Joan with the bed and breakfast.

  “Are you happy being back at home?” She’d asked as their meeting drew to a close.

  “I love being back with my family; me and Katie are starting to make up, I think…”

  “But?”

  “But… I don’t feel like myself here anymore. I don’t feel like I belong back here.” Saying the words out loud lifted a weight from Sophie’s shoulder; it felt as if she’d been holding onto something she needed to say out loud but couldn’t until she and Harriet began talking.

  “That’s completely understandable. So many teenagers struggle with fitting in with their friends and family when they finally return home after running away. My advice would be for you to give it a chance at home before you make any final decisions.”

  Sophie understood why she was giving her that advice, but deep down, she knew she wouldn’t be staying in London. It no longer felt like home to her, despite her only being away six months.

  “I’ll think about it.” She felt guilty for lying, but Harriet didn’t seem to notice.

  “Well, that’s about it. I don’t think it’s necessary we have a follow up meeting, but you have my number if ever you need to talk to me.”

  Harriet stood up and began gathering her things. As she pulled her coat on, Sophie’s mum walked into the flat with the twins.

  “Hi.” She looked nervous to see that Harriet was still there.

  “Hi Miss Jennison. Your timing is perfect; we’ve just finished up so you can get warm after being outside.”

  “Did everything go… okay?”

  Sophie looked at her mum and could see she wasn’t just nervous, she was scared. Maybe she thought Sophie had said something that would get her taken away or something.

  “Absolutely fine. You have a lovely home, and Sophie is a credit to you. I’d love to stay and chat, but I need to get going. It was lovely meeting you all, and Sophie, don’t forget, you have my number should you need it.”

  “I won’t, thank you.”

  As her mum got the twins settled down in the front room and made a start on cooking dinner, Sophie walked Harriet to the door.

  “Sophie, you’re an intelligent girl. Don’t rush into making choices based on past experiences. Remember, the past can’t hurt you anymore. Live your life and make the most of it. You’re only fifteen, the world is your oyster – as cliché as that sounds – and you can achieve anything.”

  The words brought tears to Sophie’s eyes. It felt like it had been a long time since anyone had seen anything good in her.

  “Thank you, for everything.”

  With a final goodbye, Harriet left the flat and Sophie.

  For the rest of the day, Sophie sat curled up in the arm chair in the front room pretending to read a book so no one would disturb her. Although she looked at the pages in front of her, all she was doing was replaying the meeting with Harriet over and over.

  Not once did the older woman look down on her as she spoke. Not even when she told her about Joan helping her stay hidden, something Sophie had thought she’d be annoyed about and try to get Sophie to tell her mum or the police. She hadn’t, she’d simply smiled and commented that Joan sounded like a lovely woman. Harriet had told Sophie that she’d been lucky to find Joan, that most runaways her age ended up living on the streets or falling in with gangs.

  The thought of that possibly happening to her petrified Sophie; she knew she’d been very lucky but hearing it from someone else made it hit home which made her miss Brighton even more.

  Claiming a headache and needing an early night, she went into her bedroom and dialled the number for the bed and breakfast.

  “Albatross Inn, how may I help you?” Joan’s voice was pleasant as she spoke.

  “It’s me.”

  “Oh, Sophie love. How are you doing?”

  “I’m okay, but I miss you.”

  “I miss you too love. How’s everything been going at home?”

  “It’s not too bad, but it’s not the same anymore. It doesn’t feel like home anymore. Is that strange, Joan?”

  “You have bad memorie
s of there, things you ran away from, so it’s no wonder you feel uncomfortable and like you no longer fit in. It might never happen, or it might change over time; only you can decide whether you stay with your family to see if that helps, or whether you leave and maintain a relationship with them at a distance.”

  “I don’t know what to do, I really don’t. Mum’s said she’ll give me permission to leave home as long as I go to school and catch up with my exams, but I know deep down she wants me to stay. I don’t know if I can, not without constantly worrying about the name calling starting up again, or the messages online.” Sophie paused, worried she was going to start crying and someone hearing her. “Will I ever be able to live a normal life here?”

  “I don’t know sweetheart, I really don’t know, and only you can decide which direction you want to take your life.”

  “I just don’t know what to do. I feel lost and all alone, even when I’m surrounded by people.”

  “Honey, we all feel like that at times. It’s not pleasant, but it’s a part of life I’m afraid. How you deal with it is an important learning curve.”

  “How do I cope with it?” Sophie’s throat felt constricted and thick as she tried to swallow the tears threatening to spill.

  “Don’t rush into things. Make sure you give every option you have the consideration it deserves. Whatever you decide, you need to be one hundred percent sure that it’s the one you want, the one that is the best to help you move on.” Joan paused, Sophie could hear her trying even out her breathing. “I miss you Sophie, but don’t let me get in the way of you living your best life. Don’t think you have to come back here because of me.”

  Sophie tried to interrupt, but Joan stopped her.

  “I need to say this, I need you to understand. If you do decide to come back to Brighton, I will welcome you with open arms, just don’t let me be the only reason you come back.”

  “You’re not the only reason. Brighton was better for me in six months than London was in fifteen years, and if that isn’t a good reason to go back, then I don’t know what is.”

  “It is a good reason, but you’ve been back there for just over a week. Take a little more time, and make sure it’s what you really want. There will always be a room for you here.”

  Sophie ended the call a few minutes later and thought about Joan had said. She’d give it another week, then make up her mind.

  Katie invited Sophie out shopping so she could spend some of the Christmas money she’d received from family. Not far from where they lived was a decent sized shopping centre where they’d often hung out with friends from school which had all of their favourite shops.

  They’d been out for over two hours when Sophie realised she was actually enjoying herself. It was the way it used to be, before everything went wrong, when she and Katie were inseparable.

  “Thanks for this, I really needed it.” She told the girl with whom she was slowly learning to trust again, with whom she was rebuilding a friendship as they sat in the food court for lunch.

  “Me too. Did I tell you Gavin broke up with me on New Year’s Eve?”

  “No way! Why?” Sophie couldn’t believe it. Katie and Gavin were what many of their friends considered to be ‘relationship goals’, the couple they all aspired to be like.

  “He went to stay with his dad over Christmas and met another girl.”

  Sophie remembered that Gavin’s parents were divorced, and his dad lived just outside London. Before she could ask any questions, Katie started speaking again.

  “Apparently he’s moving in with his dad so they can be closer. I mean… I thought he loved me, thought he cared about me. I didn’t necessarily expect we’d last forever but didn’t think it would end like this.”

  Tears rolled down Katie’s face, splashing onto the burger on the table in front of her. Sophie’s heart broke for the girl who was slowly becoming her friend again, she clearly still loved Gavin and was hurt by his choice to end their relationship.

  “When’s he moving?”

  “Just before we start back at school. His dad’s managed to get him a place at the school he teaches at. Must be great having a teacher for a dad to help you move from one girl to the next.”

  Sophie was shocked. It couldn’t be easy changing schools, especially in GCSE year, but Gavin doing it just because he met a girl was hard to get her head around. And his dad supporting it. When she said this to Katie, the other girl laughed without humour.

  “Did Gav ever tell you why his mum and dad split up?”

  “No.”

  “He met another woman online and moved in with her, so it’s no surprise really that he’s helping his son do the same.”

  Somehow, Katie’s revelation didn’t surprise her. But she’d always liked Gavin and he’d always seemed so devoted to his girlfriend.

  “I’m so sorry Katie, I really am. I know it’s easy for me to say, but at least you’ve seen his true colours now. Take the time to get over him and move on.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. At least once he’s gone, I won’t have to see him all the time and I’ll be able to forget about him.”

  They smiled at each other as they finished their food and got ready to go looking around more shops. Katie linked her arm with Sophie’s and grinned at her.

  “Thanks for coming back. Even if you don’t stay, I’m glad we’ve made up. Can we promise each other that we won’t fall out again?”

  “Of course we can.”

  “Have you decided what you’re doing yet?”

  “Not yet, no.” Sophie lied. She knew she wasn’t staying in London despite things getting better between her, her family, and now Katie.

  “Well, whatever you decide, I’ll be there for you.”

  Sophie smiled softly, guilt nibbling away at her. As they walked through the crowds, she was positive she heard someone mumble ‘there she goes…’ and felt sick.

  Sitting on her bed looking around her bedroom, Sophie tried to picture herself staying. She couldn’t. Although the room looked exactly the same as it had when she’d grabbed her bag the morning she finally made the conscious decision to leave, it didn’t feel right.

  She took a deep breath and crawled off the bed to wander into the front room in search of her mum.

  “You okay love? You’ve been quiet tonight.” Her mum looked up from the magazine she was flicking through.

  “Can I talk to you?”

  “Of course you can.” Melissa put to magazine to one side and watched Sophie sit on the sofa, her face showing the nerves she felt. Suddenly she knew what her daughter was going to say. “You’re going back aren’t you?”

  “I think I am, yeah.”

  Melissa took a deep breath to try and calm herself down. The last thing she wanted to do was to start crying or shouting, begging Sophie to stay. She’d made a promise to her and she wanted to be the parent who kept her promises, even if she didn’t like the outcome.

  “Why?”

  She watched as Sophie looked down at her hands that were clasped in her lap. It was clear she was trying to work out what to say without offending her mum.

  “I can’t get over everything that happened here, can’t move past it. I’m always going to be known as the girl who killed her baby. I know it won’t last forever, but it’ll be long enough. There’s no way I’d be able to relax enough to do well in my exams – I’ll always be wondering what people are talking about when they’re whispering to one another, or why someone looked at me in a certain way.” Tears began to roll down Sophie’s cheeks as she spoke, needing her mum to understand.

  “Soph-” Melissa tried to interrupt, but Sophie held her hand up to stop her.

  “I need to say this all, otherwise I won’t say any of it. I love you mum, and Jake and the girls, more than any of you probably realise, and I hate that I scared you when I left before, but everything felt so oppressive, like air that’s too thick. Everything was bearing down on me and I couldn’t cope, so I ran. I thought I’d take a few da
ys, catch my breath and get my head straight, but when I got to Brighton, I was free. I could breathe and I couldn’t hear anyone muttering behind me.”

  Melissa realised it was the first time Sophie had told her where she’d been but kept quiet. For six months, all she’d wanted was for her daughter to explain where she’d been and why she’d gone. Now she was, she didn’t want to stop her in case she clammed up.

  “Then I met Joan and Freddie. They became like family to me and helped me accept the choices I’d made. Neither of them judged me when I told them about the abortion, especially Joan. Oh mum, you’d really like her.” Finally, Sophie broke down into tears which Melissa suspected were caused by a mixture of fear and relief.

  “If she looked after you, helped you, I do already.” Melissa walked over to the sofa, sat down, and pulled Sophie into a hug. “Why don’t you tell me all about her.”

  With a small smile on her face, Sophie began to do just that.

  Sophie’s entire body shook as she walked into the youth centre with Katie. Looking around, she could see it hadn’t changed at all. The peeling paint in the corridor was still the same as was the threadbare blue carpet, but somehow it was different at the same time. In reality, it was her that was different. The last time she’d been in the building she’d been scared people would find out about her and Stuart and the abortion. Now she wasn’t scared, she was determined.

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” Katie asked her, her voice low to prevent anyone hearing what she was saying.

  “Positive.” With a roll of her shoulders to steel herself, Sophie walked to the office to see if Andy, the manager, was there. The building was empty as it wasn’t officially open yet, but Andy always kept the doors unlocked when he was there in case anyone needed to speak to him.