And in the moments you have no one to turn to, look out to the open sky and know there are billions of stars burning just to see you make it until the morning. The stars are rooting for you.
People tell you that you have to have everything figured out or your life won’t have meaning. But it’s not true. You can be lost and worthy at the same time.
We make so many promises to ourselves, it’s impossible to keep all of them. It doesn’t mean we have failed if we forget to take the trash out, or make the bed, or wash the dishes, finish the report, fill the car with gas, do the assignment, or return the voice mail. If we accomplished everything in one day, there would be no purpose for tomorrow, and there is always purpose for tomorrow.
Some moments have to happen so they may shape you, teach you, undo you, and remake you.
Being honest about how you feel is a very brave thing. And it’s not like you can plan it for weeks and months and suddenly everything comes tumbling out in a perfectly rehearsed way. Because life doesn’t work like that. You could be standing in front of your deepest fears and, after baring your soul, feel foolish and embarrassed. You’ll go home to cry into your pillow or call your best friend, who will tell you not to worry and that nothing is your fault. But you are missing the point. It’s not how perfectly you faced your fears, it’s that you had the courage to face them in the first place. That’s worth going home for. That’s something to be proud of.
If you are struggling to be who you are, if you feel shame for loving who you love, if you believe there will never be a place in this world for you, know that you belong here, that your soul is loved. That on the days you feel most alone, you can always come to these pages and know that you are home.
I hope you never diminish your strength or worth just to fit into the rhythm of the world. I hope you embrace your wildest dreams and chase the love you know will make your hands shake and your knees weak. I hope you climb, soar, dive into all the goals you want to achieve. I hope you never lose sight of why you started or where you’re headed. I hope you always grow, flourish, continue to become stronger. I hope you know I’ll always be cheering you, I’ll always be your friend, I’ll always be in your corner.
I think of you in the way I think of the moon. I don’t always see its beauty; I don’t always catch its light through my window. But I know of its beauty, of its worth, and I am in awe of the way it shines. Every night, always and forever.
These are for your soul
I didn’t think I would know the difference between holding a hand and holding a soul, until that day we drove a stretch of highway and you had one hand on the wheel and the other over mine; and somehow, I felt your love in my bones.
Young
We were teenagers,
living each day in a dream, calling each other in the
middle of the night
under bedsheets and giggling when we first said,
“I love you”
A Little Older
We had our first fight,
in the rain.
I cried, and you were silent, not knowing what to do.
Our paths started going separate ways, even though
our love was still so true.
Older
We often think of those moments
when we were young, carefree, drunk on love.
But it’s different now, stronger.
Two paths went and came back together,
as all souls do when they are meant to be.
We find life difficult at times, perplexing even. We try to avoid the things that make us sad, angry, frustrated. But we learn these things aren’t easily avoided. Life is built up of moments, each fulfilling in their own way. The healing comes from being able to recognize it’s okay to feel the emotions as they happen. If you are sad, feel sad. If you are confused, feel confused. If you are happy, feel happy. Because each moment passes, the good and the bad.
So, I hope that years from now, when you’re sitting at the kitchen table and it’s cold outside but you’re wearing my sweater, I’ll be standing in the doorway with cups of coffee and unedited manuscripts. You’ll smile at me and ask me about my day, and I’ll say I’m glad to be home with you. I hope all our healing leads me to a life we both love.
Maybe it’s not about whether you fly or fall. It’s how humble you are when you fly and how gracious you are when you fall.
There are some things I am afraid of, like closed spaces and lonely nights and strange, dark places. But if I am truly honest, what scares me the most is if you were to peel away all my layers and untangle all my secrets, you would find the deepest parts of me were not what you wanted. I am afraid that everything I hold inside is not what you are looking for.
Self-love means something different to everyone. How someone shows love to themselves may not be the same way you show love to yourself. But it’s more about the conversation, the one you have in the quiet hours with your own thoughts. The way you start to show yourself a little more compassion. The way you gently remind yourself things will be okay on the days it feels everything is crashing and slipping away.
One of the greatest riddles in life is, as humans, we live through many things. Some things we wish we had never done, because they break us in ways we feel we’ll never survive. Other things we wish we could repeat again and again, just to get the same feeling. Some we’ve forgotten, stored deep away in our minds. Others we play like a record, never wanting it to end. But granted, all these moments make us who we are. They remind us we are still here existing. They plant smiles across our faces, make us cry, leave fires burning in our hearts. They are the key to who we are. If you reversed these moments, you wouldn’t be the person you are.
When someone betrays your trust, leaves you in pieces and broken on the floor, it becomes difficult to open yourself up to others again. But don’t let this harden your heart. Not everyone is selfish or only thinks of themselves. There are people out there who will say, “I believe in my happiness, but I also believe in yours.”
You will wake up in the middle of the night, drowning in thoughts of what could have been. But in the morning, it’s important to rise again, dust off the heartache, and understand that, despite the setbacks, you will survive the pain.
It feels nice just to disconnect sometimes. The other day, I spent the late morning sitting on my parent’s front steps. I watched the birds come and go from the tree in their front yard. It’s full of flowers, the petals falling because summer is turning into fall. I watched the ants crawl along the pavement, over hurdles that, to tiny life, probably feel great, and I reminded myself it’s okay not to know it all. The cars moved along the road, beyond the fence, holding people all with lives probably different than my own. But breathing in the air around me gave me purpose, strength in my heart, a home.
All the memories
feel like broken glass on my skin
but I am shedding every layer
to start again
I have these scars
from the marks you left
all over my heart
You abandoned our love
and discarded
all our plans
People remind me to forget
about you and all the hope
I placed in your arms
But a war isn’t won by forgetting
Instead I’ll hit back hard
take back the air you stole
from my lungs
And remind myself
homes are rebuilt over ashes
It’s not all about being patient with yourself, but also others. It’s finding the courage to say what does and doesn’t make you comfortable and allowing someone else to understand those boundaries. When a person has only known one way of thinking their whole life, you
can’t expect them to change overnight. Patience helps.
I met a girl once; she said her greatest dream was to be a dancer. I met a boy once; he said his greatest dream was to be an astronaut. Now I like to think, perhaps one day they will meet, and I’ll see them on those starry nights, dancing on the moon.
Whether you blame yourself or somebody else, it won’t help you. Blame is not a bandage; it doesn’t heal wounds. Instead it makes the skin rot, waste away in anger. Letting go of the blame doesn’t mean you are forgetting; it means you are moving on from the things you find upsetting.
Maybe letting go is really a muscle we need to build. The ghosts of our past weigh so heavy, they become difficult to carry. Instead of holding on, if we learn to let go more regularly, perhaps our souls will feel lighter, stronger, more in control.
It is difficult to choose ourselves, but not always selfish. Despite wanting to be good to everybody, sometimes you need to start being good to yourself. There is no shame in wanting to choose your happiness. There is no shame in wanting the flowers in your garden to grow again. You are allowed to move your own needs to the top of the priority list.
You should make time for the things you enjoy. Playing Scrabble, walking in the sunshine, reading books, and turning the music up loud. You don’t have to always follow the crowd; sometimes enjoying the things you love most is the most beautiful thing about you.
It feels good when you accomplish things. It doesn’t matter how simple or complex those things may be, it’s the feeling you get afterward. You learn to ride a bike, you finish your essay, you graduate, or start your own business; it’s all the same. Sometimes even just rising out of bed is enough accomplishment for one day.
Live with intention. When you have purpose to seek things greater and more meaningful in life, you find your heart beats a little faster.
All the museums in the world, and I wonder most about the one I would have for myself. Clustered in between my heart and soul. What I would fill it with, paintings of the moments I chose to be bold. Sculptures of the people I have loved. Artifacts of the history I have built from my life. And if anyone discovered this museum, would they visit again? More importantly, would I be on the front steps, welcoming them in?
Maybe our destiny has already been written, maybe it hasn’t. Maybe we run on two parallel lines, or maybe we are constantly shifting, changing, just a giant scribble on a page. But I like to think I have a choice of the person I will be. I know I always have the choice to treat others compassionately.
The universe can be cruel, and it can be kind
But balance starts with yourself,
in the heart, in the mind, and in the soul
It’s about understanding you are not a burden. You are made up of thoughts and feelings and skin that sometimes scars and bones that sometimes ache. You live through journeys by forgiving yourself for your mistakes. You become a better you when you accept rawness and honesty and reject any thoughts that you are a monstrosity.
You are so beautiful when you glow
the way your soul reaches your eyes
I hope that for all your life
you continue to shine
When I made it home again, from all the anger and the pain, I promised myself I would allow a special place in my heart reserved for me. In this space, I would fill it with gentle reminders that I am more than the doubt and negativity. I would hang pictures in the space of the dreams and goals I had, and I would always make sure the fire was burning, always forgiving, always learning.
More often than not, it is not advice we seek but rather just someone to listen us. The world is made up of people with opinions and stories to share, but what is the worth of those stories if we have no one to listen to them? And in the end, always know that you will have someone in the world listening to you, cherishing your stories, and hoping you make your way back home. Hoping you always remember, you are never alone.
It won’t be easy, putting yourself back together again. You’ll feel the hurt, like you feel whiskey as it burns your throat. You’ll want to take back all the things you ever said and the love letters you wrote. You’ll have sleepless nights, play sad songs on the radio, and try to forget all the memories folding into you. But you are much more than the heartache. You are stronger than the grief that consumes you. Often when sadness knocks at our door, it wants to be embraced rather than turned away. Hold your sadness; let it stay awhile. Whisper that things will work themselves out and, despite the clouds, you’ll learn again to smile.
It’s beautiful to have a heart that allows us to love, lungs that allow us to breathe air when it’s about to rain, and a mind that allows us to think and feel so deeply for things. Sometimes we don’t realize it’s enough just to be human. It’s enough just to have a soul.
When I first sat down to write the final chapter in the Pillow Thoughts series, it felt like I had come full circle. What started as a small book of feelings turned into a series full of not only hope for myself but also hope I now have for all of you. I wanted to thank you for all the support you have shown this series and for sharing your stories with me over the last four years. It has been an adventure I will never forget. I look forward to continuing on in the Pillow Thoughts universe and whatever adventures that may lead to. For now, no matter where the seas and skies take you, always know you have a friend in the jellyfish, the heart, the owl, and the fox. May you, your heart, mind, and soul always flourish; may you dream and heal and look forward to every morning. You will always have a home in my heart and a cup of tea waiting.
Yours forever and always,
Courtney
Thank you for reading this book.
I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
You can view more of my work on Twitter @CourtPeppernell
and Instagram @courtneypeppernell.
Feel free to write to me via [email protected].
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Pillow Thoughts IV
copyright © 2020 by Courtney Peppernell. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.
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ISBN: 978-1-5248-6554-2
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Stitching the Soul Page 6