by Laura Wolfe
Dr. Hamouda grinned. “It’s okay. This is an exciting time. Your baby’s digestive system is developing, and little fingernails are forming. It’s important that you eat a healthy diet, reduce stress as much as possible, and get plenty of sleep.”
My own fingernails dug into the side of the table. I’d barely eaten anything the last few days, I hadn’t slept much, and I’d endured the most stressful week of my life. I suspected, based on our earlier conversation, that Dr. Hamouda already knew all of this. I straightened up and nodded.
“I’ll try to do a better job,” I said. I couldn’t let Jason’s irresponsible actions affect our baby’s health.
“Good. It looks like you have a nice support system with your sister, here.” She tipped her head toward Caroline, who gave an exaggerated nod. Thankfully, her long sleeves covered the scars on her arms.
The doctor clasped her hands together and smiled, “Now, let’s find your baby’s heartbeat.” She stood up and pulled out her stethoscope again. “Lean back and relax.”
I rested my head on the exam table while she lifted my shirt, pressing the frigid circle in a variety of places. At last, she stopped.
“There it is.” She stared at the wall. “Sounds very healthy.”
Relief flooded through me as I released the breath I’d been holding.
“Take a listen.” She removed the stethoscope and placed the earpieces in my ears. The sound was rapid and clear. Baboom, baboom, baboom.
I smiled. “It sounds like a train.” I could have listened to that rhythmic beat all day. My baby was healthy and resilient. The heartbeat had embraced me, letting me know I hadn’t messed up too badly. The little being inside me had forgiven me already.
“Can I?” Caroline had abandoned her chair and now hovered over me.
I nodded, handing her the stethoscope.
Her eyes stretched wide, her mouth hanging open. “Oh. I hear it. That’s so cool.” She tipped her head back and giggled.
I couldn’t help but laugh at Caroline’s excitement. But underneath the laughter, the competing image of what could have been seeped into my mind. As grateful as I was for Caroline’s presence, it should have been Jason standing next to me. It should have been him laughing at the wonder of the heartbeat. It hadn’t been my choice, though. He hadn’t given me a choice.
Mom pushed a bowl of fruit salad toward me. “I’m thrilled the appointment went well. You’ve been under so much stress.”
“It was so cool to hear the heartbeat.” I scooped the sliced strawberries and melon onto my plate. Caroline had run out to the store to buy laundry detergent.
“Six months from now, I’ll be a grandpa,” Dad said, his eyes crinkling in the corners. “That’s going to be one spoiled baby.”
“No doubt,” I said.
Mom cleared her throat. “Listen, Elizabeth. There’s something Dad and I have been meaning to ask you.”
I stopped chewing and studied their expressionless faces. “Okay.”
“We’ve booked a two-and-a-half-week cruise to the Caribbean…”
My mouth opened. I couldn’t remember the last time we’d vacationed as a family. That would be one way to relax and escape my reality.
“It leaves on Saturday,” Dad said.
“In three days?” I slid to the edge of my chair.
“Yes,” Mom answered.
I thought about the assignment I was working on for Gwen and hoped I could get away on such short notice.
“Anyway,” Mom said, “we thought Caroline could stay here with you while Dad and I enjoyed some time away. It might be good for both of you to have each other to lean on.”
My arms weighed heavily at my sides. I’d imagined myself diving into a deep ocean only to smash head first into the shallow rocks. I pulled in a breath, processing their message. The cruise was not for me.
I pressed my fingers against my temples to prevent my head from exploding. “So, let me get this straight. My marriage just fell apart at the same time I found out I was pregnant, and you want Caroline to stay here with me for three more weeks while you go on a cruise?”
Dad shifted in his chair. “Hon, you have to understand, we can’t leave Caroline alone. Her risk of relapse is high, especially if she’s not surrounded by good role models.”
“She’s twenty-five years old. She should be capable of living on her own.”
“She’s an addict, Lizzie.” Dad fumbled with his shirt collar as if it was strangling him. “We need to keep an eye on her.”
“Besides,” Mom said, “you shouldn’t be alone right now either. You girls can help each other.”
I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms, my face burning with betrayal. They’d known about the cruise. That explained why they’d brought those gigantic suitcases with them.
I swallowed, examining their faces, noticing for the first time the tired circles beneath their eyes, the empty stares behind their smiles. Maybe I was overreacting. Caroline had put my parents through hell over the past four years. She’d tested them over and over again, yet they’d refused to give up on her. Maybe they deserved a vacation, some time to themselves to not have to worry about anything. I remembered Mom’s mission to make egg salad and the way Dad and Caroline had rearranged my furniture. I thought of Caroline’s laughter at the sound of the baby’s heartbeat. It wouldn’t kill me to do this for them.
“Okay.” My voice was barely audible. An odd mixture of emotion swirled inside me. “She can stay with me.”
“Great!” Mom stepped toward me and kissed the top of my head.
“We appreciate it, Lizzie,” Dad said.
“But just so we’re clear, I have a job that requires travel.” I folded my arms across my chest. “I may need to leave for a day or two at a time.”
“You should take time off work. Really.” Mom clucked and shook her head.
“I’ve already used four vacation days in the last week.” The pitch of my voice became higher. “I can’t use any more.”
Dad held up his hand. “We understand. Caroline can manage on her own for a day or two.”
“Does Caroline know about the cruise?”
Dad gave Mom a sheepish glance. “She knows. We asked her not to say anything.”
Mom squeezed my shoulder. “She’s excited to have some sister time.”
My eyes dropped to the floor. Once again, I was the last person to arrive at the party.
My fingers traced the stitching of the new quilt in the master bedroom. My bedroom. I’d reclaimed the room as my own, the bed now facing the window overlooking the fenced-in backyard. Caroline had helped me choose the bedspread. The quilt soothed me, its alternating shades of blue reminding me of the playful waves of Lake Michigan in the summer.
I leaned back, two pillows propped behind me, my phone resting in my hand. Jason was probably on edge wondering about the results of the appointment. I could have called him hours ago, but I’d wanted to torture him. Gathering my strength, I pressed his number and he answered on the first ring.
“Hey,” he said, “I’ve been waiting for your call. How’d it go?”
As much as I hated it, his words comforted me. His deep, smooth voice was like a drug. I caught a tiny glimpse into what Caroline must go through with her heroin addiction—knowing something is destroying you but needing it anyway.
“Good. Everything’s good with the baby.” My voice cracked. I swallowed, composing myself. “I’m about twelve weeks.”
A gasp came from his end of the phone. “Wow. That’s great.”
“I heard the heartbeat.” I sucked in some air, angry with myself. He didn’t deserve the details.
“Really?” Jason’s breath was heavy on the other end. “That must have been amazing.”
I gripped my phone, my palm sweating. Part of me wanted to scream at him, but part of me missed him, needed him, loved him.
“I wish you’d let me be there with you,” Jason said. “Can I come to the next appointment? Please?”
“I know I screwed up, babe. And I promise you, it was the biggest mistake of my life. I’ll never do anything like that again.”
“That’s what you keep saying.”
“Because it’s true.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Let me prove it to you,” he said. “Let me move back into our house and be the husband you deserve and a loving father to our baby.”
“I’m not ready.”
Jason sighed again. “Okay.”
“My sister is staying with me for the next three weeks while my parents go on a cruise.”
“Caroline?”
“Yes. She’s the only sister I have.”
“Is that a good idea? I mean, given her… history?”
“She’s been clean for a long time. Almost three months. Anyway, I don’t think you get to judge.”
“I’m not judging, I’m just…” His voice trailed off.
“Just what?”
“Glad to hear Caroline’s doing better. I hope you two can reconnect.”
Those weren’t the words I expected to hear. Why was he making it so hard to stay mad at him? He’d always been understanding about Caroline’s addiction, even when I’d lost all faith in her.
“We’ve been through a lot together, Liz.” He paused, waiting for me to say something, but I could only dig my tooth into my lip. “No one else knows me like you do. I landed a big investor yesterday and the first thing I wanted to do was call you and tell you about it, but I couldn’t. Without you, it’s like it didn’t even happen.”
“Why didn’t you call your girlfriend?”
Jason took a deep breath. “Because she’s not my girlfriend. And because I don’t care about her. I only want you.”
My eyes burned, misting over. I squeezed them shut, understanding exactly how he felt because I’d felt the same way today at the doctor’s office. If only I could have shared that moment when I’d heard the heartbeat with him or at least the version of him who hadn’t cheated on me.
“Why did you have to destroy it?” I asked, my voice cracking. I pictured the woman named Sarah with the tangled mess of hair straddling him on our bed, the look of ecstasy on his face before he noticed me, frozen in the doorway. No matter what he did to make it up to me, I’d never be able to erase the scene from my mind.
“I don’t know,” he said. “I was stupid and selfish. I’ll do whatever it takes to make things right. I’ll wait as long as you need me to wait. All I know is that I’m not giving up on us.”
“I have to go.” I wanted to believe him, but the pain was too much to contain. I ended the call, tears streaming in rivers down my face.
Seventeen
Gloria
Now
My weight pressed against the stone bench underneath the oak tree, the wind whipping my hair this way and that. It was one of those afternoons when the weather couldn’t make up its mind. Clouds muted the sky one minute, only to have the sun’s rays pop through a moment later. I flipped to one of Charlie’s favorite verses—Isaiah 55:12—and pinned the page of my worn Bible down with my hand. I squinted my eyes and read out loud.
“For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.” I gazed at the trunk of the tree, waiting for a response. The wind rustled through the branches and the sunlight dimmed again. “That verse always reminded you of our land, didn’t it?” I tipped my head back.
Even in his current state underneath the oak tree, Charlie was much more agreeable than Mary Ellen Calloway and her crew of pious backstabbers.
Footsteps thudded behind me and I turned to find Joe carrying a large blank canvas down the steps. He loaded it into his SUV and offered a wave.
“Sorry about yesterday, Gloria. Sometimes I get ahead of myself.”
“It’s okay,” I said, forcing a smile. Joe climbed into his vehicle, started his ignition, and drove past me. I’d convinced myself the window incident had been a misunderstanding, but I couldn’t deny the way my body lightened as he drove away.
My muscles froze as a cough echoed from the direction of the tiny house. It was Beth. Leaning back, I spotted her moving behind the trees. I wondered how long she’d been there, and how I hadn’t noticed her. She wore a gray shirt and crouched down near her front steps.
I didn’t want to be a nuisance, but if Beth was planting the flowers I’d given her, she might want some help. My hand pressed into a sore spot on my lower back as I set the Bible down. My feet lumbered across the grass and through the line of trees.
Beth smiled in my direction as I passed through the gap, but she looked tired, purplish half-circles visible beneath her eyes. Her T-shirt skimmed her body, accentuating her slim figure and her hair was pulled back in a fabric headband. It was a richer shade of brown and the ends were neater.
“Hi, Gloria.” Beth lifted the shovel, her hands hidden inside dirty rubber gloves.
“Good afternoon,” I said. “Your hair looks beautiful.”
“Oh, thanks.”
“How was your dinner with Amanda?” I asked.
“Oh. She was…” Beth cleared her throat. “It was fine.” She shook her hair back off her shoulders and looked toward the row of impatiens she’d planted near her front steps. “I thought I’d get the flowers going. Am I doing it right?”
“It looks perfect.”
“You were right,” Beth removed her gloves, “gardening is calming.”
The sky darkened and a mist of rain began to sprinkle down. Beth and I craned our necks toward the menacing clouds gathering off to the west.
“Oh, dear. I was wondering how long the rain would hold off.”
“Do you want to head into town with me?” Beth stared at me. “Amanda recommended a coffee shop in Petoskey. There’s a bookstore next door, too.”
I smoothed down my frizzed hair, flattered by the invitation. “That would be lovely,” I said. “Let me get my purse.”
Beth rested the shovel against the side of her house and started up her steps. “I’ll pull my truck around in a few minutes.”
I strode away, a smile creeping onto my face. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d been out with a friend. That’s what Beth was turning out to be—a true friend. And once I finished The Thirty-Day Life Coach, I’d need a new book to read. How refreshing to not have to browse the aisles of the bookstore alone. Maybe I could take a break from the self-help books and read a mystery instead. My step carried an extra bounce as I approached the oak tree, its sturdy branches blustering in the wind.
Thirty minutes later, I found myself perched on a rustic stool across from Beth inside a cozy coffee shop, yellow-and-white striped wallpaper surrounding us. I sipped my steaming drink and watched a trickle of tourists approach the counter as Beth revealed tidbits about her recent adventures around town. A notebook lay on the table in front of her. Every few minutes, she paused to jot down notes for her article.
“Mrs. Flass?” A gangly, dark-haired man in his thirties stood next to our table. He looked familiar, but I couldn’t place him.
“It’s me, Wes. Ethan’s friend.”
“Of course!” I could have kicked myself for not recognizing him. His hair was longer than the last time I’d seen him, but he was the same likeable young man whom Ethan had befriended when he’d moved back in with us after college. Wes had been a perfect combination of bookish, outdoorsy, and polite. “How are you, dear?”
“Great. And you?”
“Just fine.”
Wes rested his hands on his hips. “Ethan texted me the other day. I heard he’s heading back to town.”
“Yes. He is.”
“I’m hoping to get him out camping while he’s here.”
“I’m sure he’d like that. I didn’t realize you still lived in the area.”
“Yep. I got married a couple of years ago. My wife and I bought
the bike shop on Highway 31. You’ve probably seen it. Up North Bike Rentals.”
I straightened up in my seat, realizing the connection, and motioning toward Beth, “You must know my friend, Beth. She interviewed you yesterday.”
Beth shifted in her seat and closed her notebook.
Wes stared at Beth, then narrowed his eyes and shook his head, “I don’t think so.”
I turned toward her, confused. “Didn’t you interview the owners of Up North Bike Rentals yesterday?”
Beth’s mouth pulled to the side, her fingers strumming the worn edge of her notebook. “I must have told you the wrong name. It was a different bike shop.”
“Is there another bike shop on Highway 31?” I asked.
Wes crossed his arms. “There’s Altitude Sports and Bikes over on Mason Road.”
Beth nodded. “Yes. That’s the one.”
Wes raised his chin. “They’re our biggest competitor.”
My stomach turned. I hoped the mention of the interview hadn’t made Wes feel bad. “Maybe Beth can include your shop in her article, too. She’s a writer for American Traveler Magazine.”
“Cool.”
Beth lifted her cardboard cup, then set it down without drinking anything. “I can give you a call at the shop if you’re interested in being featured. It’s free advertising.”
“Absolutely. That would be great.” Wes nodded as he eyed the growing line at the counter and gave us a wave. “It was nice to see you again. Have Ethan text me when he gets here.”
I raised my hand. “Will do.”
“Nice to meet you, Beth.”
“You, too,” she said.
Wes wandered toward the counter, leaving Beth and I staring at each other.
Beth shook her head and looked down, embarrassed. “I’ve been doing so much research. It’s hard to keep all the names of these places straight.”
“Don’t worry. I can’t keep them straight either, and I’m not doing any research.”