Saree

by Su Dharmapala

  ‘Pilar be stupid girl from village,’ Gopal he laugh. But Balini baba she hit him across de ears.

  ‘Pilar go from being garden-kitchen servant to house servant to Missy servant in one week. Pilar she be smart. She know not to talk too much. Not like you, Gopal! Gopal be empty pot make big noise!’ she says.

  ‘Pilar, have you ever gone to school?’ Mr Krishnapillay he ask.

  ‘No,’ I says. ‘I no understand letters.’

  ‘But you are a smart girl,’ Balini baba she says. ‘More dan just village girl.’

  I looks away and mumble, ‘I not smart.’

  ‘Eh! Pilar not smart? You looks after house during sangeet. You looks after Missy. And Missy not easy to look after.’

  Mama Leela nod lots.

  ‘Missy she be very fussy. She like bath cleaned one way. She like tea another. Many house servants no like work for Missy because she so fussy and angry. If she no like you, you tink she lets you give her head massage? No, Pilar, you smart woman. I sees dat idiot you marry, Murukananthan, he be too stupid to be Saliya. Dat why he work on railways. How Laksman smart boy if you not smart wit Murukananthan stupid?’

  Gopal who live near Murukananthan all his life tell stories. Stupid Murukananthan stories. Like time he drink water from drain because his brother told him to. ‘Dey say he never marry. But he marries you, Pilar. And he gets good dowry.’

  ‘But a good dowry is all a poor man can dream of,’ Mr Krishnapillay he says. He rarely speak so we alls surprised.

  ‘How is de marriage brokering going?’ Mama Leela she asks.

  ‘Not so well. I have only 5000 rupee in savings. Even a poor man won’t give his daughter to someone with so little.’

  ‘I want big dowry too,’ Gopal he say. ‘I wants to own my own sweetshop some day.’

  ‘Idiot, no father give dowry for toothless man to lose more teeth,’ Balini baba says and slap Gopal across ears again.

  Gopal he gets angry. He stands up. Retie sarong.

  ‘You see,’ he says. ‘Just you see, I be big sweetshop owner one day.’ Den he goes away to sleep.

  Henry and de others laugh.

  ‘What you wants to do wit dowry?’ I asks Mr Krishnapillay. I helps Balini baba cleans de kitchen.

  ‘I went to university, you know,’ he says sadly. ‘But I cannot find a job. They don’t hire Saliyas into Brahmin businesses. So I want to start a small tuition school. Help children with their education. But I need money for that. What do you want to do?’ he ask me.

  I no know what to say. I wait for moment. Den he ask me again.

  I looks at my Laksman. He sleep on floor. Balini baba she makes him a little mattress wit old sarees.

  ‘Mother,’ I says. ‘I wants to be de best mother.’

  ‘If I have my mother’s love, I need nothing else,’ Mr Krishnapillay he say in Hindi. But I understand. I speak Telugu but I knows dat in Hindi. Dat be a great truth.

  My grandfather be Saliya. My father be Saliya. My mother be Saliya. My marmee be Saliya. My marcel be Saliya. I know Saliya job. I cans weave saree too. No big ting. It not big job. Just get thread, put in loom and weave. I does it when I little girl.

  But dere be differences in Saliya. When I comes to Kanchipuram I understands. My grandfather different to Marcel. My grandfather only make one type of saree. Saree for village woman. Woman who work field. Poor woman. Rough. No fine cotton. He make maybe two or three designs. How he make saree he keep in head. No picture. No nuttin.

  Marcel he take one design from Big Sir every three month and weave it. He puts it on weaving hut wall. Only one design. And he makes it one hundred times. Same design. He no tink about it. He do it. Same wit brother-in-law. Dey same same saree over and over. No tink.

  Raju Sir he be different. He no start straightaway. He tink long time. He sits in chair and tink. I know he tink cause he feel de silk in one hand. He close his eyes but his finger dey feel de silk.

  Den he starts opening boxes. He look for sometin real hard. Here, dere, everywhere. When he finds it, he sits down. It be a suitcase. And he bring out what he find. Big boards. It got pictures of saree on it. Every little ting. He puts de board up on wall. He looks at it. He look at silk. Den he sits and he tinks.

  How I know all dis? Because my Laksman he love Raju Sir now. Every time I put down to do work, he run to hut in garden. Now I spend half my time running to hut to grabs my boy. And it be dangerous. Raju Sir tings everywhere. I no want my boy break anytin.

  ‘Oh, don’t worry about him, Pilar,’ Raju Sir he says and he puts drawings high on wall. And when he take a rest from opening boxes, he play wit Laksman. Not like Madame or Big Sir play wit Laksman. He teach him tings.

  ‘See, putta, it is always a good idea to pick up the edge of your nappy and hold it if you are running around,’ he tells my Laksman wit a laugh when he trip over.

  I comes back from cleaning de windows in Madame and Sir room. It be big job. I cleans while Gopal he holds my legs. Henry he used to do it but den he become too fat. Only Pilar tin enough now. So I does it. Only I haves to hit Gopal wit broom several time. He likes to feel my legs. So ever time he get past my ankle, I hits him on head. Many times. When I finish I find Raju Sir has my Laksman on knees and he reads him picture book.

  ‘Laksman, this was my hodiya. My first book of letters,’ he says. ‘I know these aren’t Telugu letters,’ he explains when he sees me stand dere like I just steps in cow dung. ‘But I have got Henry to go and get the equivalent in Telugu. And a few more books and toys.’

  So while I work, Laksman now he sits and play wit Raju Sir. He come to me when he need titty. He still my boy.

  But I is still very careful. When Raju Sir makes Henry go into town and buy new loom, I is dere when he sets it up. I no let my baby boy near heavy loom. I know many accidents happen near loom. Many peoples head break when heavy wood falls on dem.

  Only Madame she gets angry. ‘Pilar! Pilar! Where are you? It is hot and I need a head massage!’

  Again, Madame she calls me.

  ‘Pilar! Pilar! Where are you, girl? I don’t pay you to stand and watch in the garden!’

  I know Missy be dere. I can smells her. Everybody smells her now. Every day different different smell. She come out and she watch Raju Sir. She stand below mango tree and she watch. She watch him like tiger wanting juicy goat. But Raju Sir he no see her. He treat her like smelly dead cow.

  ‘Pilar! Pilar! Where are you, girl?’ Madame she calls. Madame she gots really high voice. Like call of monkey. It give you headache. Dat why I tink she get so many headache. Her own voice.

  I puts down my boy but he runs straight into hut. I runs in after because dere be nails and saw and dangerous tings in hut. Setting up loom not easy. It take Raju Sir, Gopal, Henry and carpenter from Kanchipuram.

  ‘Pilar! Pilar! Come here right now!’ Madame calls again. Dis time only louder.

  ‘Pilar, give him to me,’ Missy she says finally. I tink she getting headache too.

  I gives my Laksman to Missy. My boy he like Missy saree. It be bright and colourful, not like Pilar saree. Pilar saree always white. Big Sir say servants must always wear white saree like widow so dat way we knows when we be dirty. Den we knows when we needs to change saree. Big Sir really scared of dirt. So my Laksman he play wit Missy saree and Missy gold earrings and Missy necklace. And when he tired, he fall asleep on Missy neck smelling her perfume.

  After dat, all de time when I needs to do work, I leave my Laksman wit Missy. Raju Sir need to hard work and cannot have little boy playing nearby. And Missy she start to like my Laksman too. She play akar bakar bombay bo wit Laksman. My Laksman handsome boy. He be smart boy. Everybody love him.

  It take dem three days to set up loom. It be big loom. And new. Oh so pretty. Not like Marcel loom in Kanchipuram or my grandfather loom. It has bright, shiny wood and de loop for string brand-new. Not old wire like wit Marcel.

  When dey finish setting up loom, Raju Sir he say it need to be dedicated.


  I is so excited. I know loom dedication. It when we ask Mariamman to help us Saliya. I know, my grandfather do it once a year. It be big pooja wit every ting.

  So Raju Sir, he asks Gopal to go into town and gets lotus. But dere be no lotus. Gopal he gets jasmine. Bags and bags of jasmine. And we makes oil lamps. Hundred of oil lamps. We puts it around shrine in garden like for Navaratri.

  Laksman he love dis. He love de flowers. He love de incense. He love rice cooked in coconut milk like Raju Sir ask Balini baba to make. But I no give him rice. It not be twelve month since he born and I no take him to temple to have rice pooja yet.

  But Madame she be very busy dat day. She gots friends coming and Sir give big party. ‘Pilar, I want you to polish the floors and clean all the bathrooms. You don’t need to get involved with Raju’s silliness. If he wants to weave a saree he can ask one of a million weavers. And he certainly does not need to do a loom dedication like a silly village Saliya.’

  Laksman he no want to come wit me into house to polish floors and clean bathroom. He want to be outside to see pooja. I even make him little dhoti from old saree Balini baba give me.

  So again I leaves my boy wit Missy. But I feels sad. When I turns back to look, I see him on Missy hip. He grab Missy necklace and put his head on her neck. When Raju Sir light oil lamp to pray to God, Missy go near wit my Laksman. Dey look like family.

  Murukananthan he come back. Dis time I finds out before he come. Gopal he tells me. ‘Eh! Pilar, your poorchen he come back!’

  ‘How you know dis?’

  ‘I sees Murukananthan down in Kanchipuram. He say his wife make good paper money so he no work no more.’

  I no wants Murukananthan to come to big house. So Tuesday just before crow cries I leaves de house. I asks Balini baba and I takes wit me roti, dosai, idali and sambar. I takes extra. Laksman he come too.

  I goes in early. I change out of my big house saree and I puts on my shanty saree. I puts breakfast out on table like at Big Sir and Madame house. I puts it out before everyone even awake. But dey wakes. Wakes fast. And dey push me. To gets to food. Dey eats it like dey no see food for weeks. Maybe months.

  ‘Where you baby?’ I ask idiot sister-in-law. Dere be no tummy now.

  ‘It be girl,’ she says wit smile. ‘Dey takes her out. I no want to be girl mother. Now I can only be boy mother.’

  Marmee smile proudly too. ‘Your sister-in-law smart girl. She bring luck to family.’

  I says nuttin. For weeks after her last baby dies, Marmee scream dat idiot sister-in-law bad luck. She bring dhosai to house. Now she kills baby girl, she bring good luck? And what about mother who go mad when baby die? How come mother go mad for baby boy but not baby girl?

  After Murukananthan finish eating, I goes near him.

  ‘What?’ he ask. ‘What you want?’

  ‘Gopal he tells me you no work no more. Is dat true?’ I asks him.

  ‘Dat none of your business, woman,’ he says and he walk out. He no come back.

  I spends de day in Murukananthan parents’ house. I cleans here. I cleans dere. Marmee sits dere and she complain.

  ‘I is old. I cannot do hard work anymore,’ she says.

  But when I tries to do cooking, when I tries to make chapatti, she laugh at me. ‘No! No stupid village girl do dis. Go! Go away,’ she say and hit me wit broom.

  Idiot sister-in-law, she gossip. She go to tap for water and she come back and she gossip. ‘Dat Meena Devi, she gots baby girl. Her marmee so angry she break pot on Meena Devi head and throws baby into cooking fire,’ she say.

  ‘Why she not have scan ting?’ my marmee she ask.

  ‘Dey cans only take baby out if less dan three month old. I heard dat Rachita baby dey takes out when she be four month and de baby she cry.’

  ‘At least it not full baby. De police now dey very careful. Dey look in river and dey look in rubbish bin. Dat why Meena Devi marmee put baby in cooking fire. Cannot catch.’

  Murukananthan he come back just before dinner. ‘Pilar, you come wit me!’ he says.

  ‘Why?’ I asks him. It be dinnertime and my Laksman he want titty soon.

  ‘Why? Woman you no ask why. You just come,’ he says and he drag me out by hair. I have no time to take Laksman.

  He drag me by hair all de way to Kanchipuram town. Until we gets to Muslim paper money lenders.

  ‘Dis be her,’ he say. ‘Dis be my wife.’

  ‘You work at big house?’ dis man ask me.

  I nods. I is too scared to speak.

  ‘What you do?’

  ‘I works for Missy. I cleans her rooms and I do little bit kitchen work.’

  ‘So you no lie, Murukananthan. Many people dey lie. Dey say deir wife got good job only dey don’t. Dey cannot pay interest on money I lends dem. You pay me 100 rupee a month.’

  Murukananthan and I, we walks back.

  ‘Murukananthan,’ I asks. ‘It true den, you no work in railways? Why you borrows money?’

  ‘You make good paper money,’ he say gruffly. Den he walks fast. So fast I run after him.

  I gets to house and I goes in. Dere I see Marmee. She give my Laksman dosai and sambar from morning for dinner.

  ‘Eiii!’ I cries. ‘I no give him food yets. I no done rice pooja for gods for my Laksman.’

  ‘He cry he hungry, I gives him food,’ Marmee she yells. ‘And rice pooja only for stupid village babies. Not Kanchipuram babies.’

  Next morning, I rises early. I is very tired. Laksman no sleep good. He wakes up all de time crying. I leaves early. I takes my crying Laksman to big house. I leave him wit Balini baba while I wash and takes de bed tea.

  I comes back and I find Balini baba covered in vomit. My Laksman he vomit.

  He vomit all morning.

  By time for morning tea, Missy she come looking for my Laksman. See Missy she be smart woman. She understand dat Raju Sir no look at her like dog if she play wit my Laksman.

  ‘What? What is wrong with the baby?’ she cries. And my Laksman vomit on her.

  She go running inside house. I is so scared she go get Big Sir and he throw us out. But no. She bring Raju Sir.

  ‘We need to get him to hospital!’ he says when he see my boy no open eyes and he ask Henry to get car ready.

  Raju Sir takes my Laksman to hospital. No poor peoples hospital but rich peoples hospital. Dey puts needle in my boy arm and dey make him stop vomiting. Missy and Raju Sir save my boy. Dey looks after my boy like appa and amman.

  We starts preparing for Sharada Navaratri two month before. We must cleans de whole house, de whole garden and everytin. We wash, we clean and we wash more. At nights I falls onto my mat and I sleeps. My whole body it aches.

  Now while I works Missy and Raju Sir looks after Laksman. I no complain. My boy be so sick I no got time to looks after my boy. I no works I no able to pay money for hospital. But Raju Sir and Missy dey say dey no want money. ‘Don’t be silly, Pilar, we are hardly going to take any money from you.’

  So I works more hard. I wants dem to realise I thanks dem for it. I thanks dem for my boy life. Now I understand how idiot sister-in-law go crazy when baby dies.

  And my Laksman still very sick, de doctors tells we must feeds my boy rice porridge. It stop de water sani. Titty milk no good. De doctor tells me to dry-fry rice and to grinds it. Only my Laksman no like rice porridge. He spit it out. He throws it against wall. He cry. He cry. It take me one hour to gives him one spoon. Whiles I have to do work I no gots time to feed my boy.

  So Missy she takes over. She sits dere in de hut while Raju Sir he starts weaving saree. My Laksman he likes to watch Raju Sir weave saree. Up. Down. In. Out. He looks at silk. He play wit little bit of silk. And when he not tinking, Missy she put rice porridge in mouth. He no understand but soon his tummy full.

  Raju Sir and Missy dey laughs at my Laksman. ‘Oh look, Raju,’ Missy she say. ‘Look at his curls. Aren’t they adorable. And he is so smart. He can repeat the alphabet. Here, listen,’ she says and dey says de words
together.

  ‘And he is so affectionate, too. Look,’ Raju Sir he say and my Laksman kiss him on burnt side of face. My Laksman not scared of Raju Sir. I see other babies. Like Missy schoolfriend babies. Dey scared of Raju Sir. Dey looks at him and dey cry. Dey point at him and dey cry. Or runs away. But not my Laksman. My Laksman brave boy.

  Sometimes Raju Sir start crying when he weaves saree. Dere be paintings hung up in de hut now. Beautiful paintings of a beautiful woman. He looks at paintings and he cry. He cry and he weave, like he put sadness for losing wife into saree. Only Laksman can make him stop crying. My boy go to Raju Sir, touch his face and stop him crying. Kiss him.

  No, Raju Sir not like Murukananthan.

  Murukananthan no even come to hospital while Laksman sick. He no care. He busy. He and his brother dey start business. Dey sells saree in Kanchipuram now.

  But Murukananthan he come when he wants to do dat ting. First time he come after Laksman in hospital he screams at me. ‘Woman, you gots your blood. Why you not tell me? I have pooja to do. For de new business. How I go wit your bloods!’ he curse me. It be first time I gets my blood since I have Laksman. ‘Its de titty milk,’ Mama Leela she tells me. ‘When you gives titty milk, you no gets blood.’

  Murukananthan he come again. When it be slow in his saree shop he come. Which is all de time. De others dey no laugh no more. Like dey see monkey do trick so many times it no trick no more. Maybe Balini baba or Mama Leela say sometin to Missy because Missy one day gives me de key. Key to Raju Sir hut.

  ‘Just lock the door after, Pilar,’ she say.

  Not dat she or Raju Sir or my Laksman ever see Murukananthan. Murukananthan never even look at his son. Never play wit him. Never see handsome boy. No understand he be smart boy. He no bring Sharada Navaratri presents for Laksman. Even Henry and Thomas who pray to dead man on cross buy presents for children. Boxes of sweets or wind-up toy.

  All childrens even in Kanchipuram have toys. I know dis because I go to town to takes Marmee and Marcel gifts from Big Sir and Madame. I keeps Laksman close on my hip now. I no even put him down in filthy house. Not dat Marmee or Marcel care. Dey takes gifts and turn away. Like I no dere. Like I be cow dung.