I goes home to Big House early. I is so sad. I no can buy Laksman any bright toys or balloons he see in town when we goes back. Town lit up like party. Stalls everywhere. People everywhere. Appas and ammans dey buys deir children tings. Toys for festival. Only my Laksman he cries and he cries. He looks at tings and he wants dem. He reach out wit his fat fists.
‘Amman,’ he cry. He just want to see. But I know if he see, he want. ‘No, Laksman,’ I says. ‘Mama no gots paper money.’ I no got money to buy my boy nuttin. I no gots money buy him medicine. I no got money to buy him clothes. I no gots money.
So my Laksman he tears my hair. He pull at my saree. He bites me. By time we makes it to big house it look like Murukananthan he take bad coconut arrack and hit me.
Only my Laksman he be lucky boy. He be lucky like his name.
‘Tidy yourself up,’ Balini baba she say wit excitement. Dey do sometin while Laksman and I go to town.
When I goes into house, I be like Laksman. So surprised. So happy. Everywhere tings. Everywhere toys.
‘Oh, it is lovely to have a child in the house again,’ Madame she cries and she picks up my boy.
‘Look, Laksman, look,’ Big Sir he say. Dey buy him a rocking horse. Wit pretty face. ‘We had it sent for you all the way from Rajasthan,’ he say.
And Missy she buy him clothes. Little kurta and sarong. I tink he look like little Sir when he dressed so fancy.
But de best present. De best present it come from Raju Sir.
‘Come here, puttar,’ Raju Sir he says. And he gives my boy books. I so happy. My boy be educated man. Smart man. Not stupid man like his father.
Next morning I wakes up and I goes to drain and I vomits. I no get bloods again. I be wit baby. I tink it very sad dat Murukananthan be father again when he no know how to be father and Raju Sir no be father when he be good father.
‘Dat Gopal he up to sometin,’ Balini baba she say. She help me wash dishes after big Sharada Navaratri celebration. We celebrate nine days. Big Sir, Madame, Missy and Raju Sir dey celebrate. Peoples comes to house. Peoples have tea, drinks, exchange presents and dey makes mess. We cleans.
‘Why you says dat?’
‘He always asking you question now. He always go up to clean Mr Krishnapillay office,’ Balini baba says.
‘Maybe he wants to learn letters and numbers. He really want to open sweet business. He ask me how Murukananthan gets money for saree business. I tells him Murukananthan gets money from Muslim moneylender in Kanchipuram.’
‘So dat why Gopal he go into Kanchipuram all de time now. To borrows money!’ Balini baba she says.
I shrugs. It not my business. My Laksman my business. I goes to look for him. I leaves him wit Missy before when I goes to clean de bedrooms.
I finds dem in garden hut. Raju Sir he almost finish weaving saree. I sees it now. He bring de loom out into garden so he can sees better when he weave.
De saree he weave, it be beautiful. It not white saree like for widows. It not gold saree like for bride. It be sometin in between.
‘She made this look so effortless,’ he muttered.
‘Nila?’ Missy she ask. Missy gots my Laksman on her knee. Dey plays wit little wooden blocks.
Raju Sir he looks up. He sees Laksman playing nearby and he smiles.
‘Yes, Nila. She was a wonderful saree maker. Gifted.’
‘And this was one of her designs.’
‘Yes, she won the design prize with this,’ he says.
My Laksman he walk over to Raju Sir now he says something. He points to de board wit de pictures.
‘Yes, putta, she was a wonderful designer. Look at the line and form of her designs. Magic.’
Den my Laksman go to play wit de saree. Raju Sir he quick. He picks it up before Laksman can put muddy fingers on it.
‘Oh no, I won’t let you get your hands on this just yet,’ he laughs. ‘But I agree with you, it’s pretty irresistible. Look,’ he says. ‘Look at how Nila designed it so that you can see the play of colours through the fabric. Wait till you see the pallu she designed. It is beyond beautiful. A peacock. And I found the perfect peacock blue for its plumes.’
And it be true. Raju Sir he goes into town wit Henry and he buy dis. He buy dat. All for saree. He work on saree and Missy and Laksman dey plays next to him. Slowly Raju Sir let Missy help him even. Teach her to weave. A few days later he and Missy take car, dey say dey go into Madras.
‘Pilar, can we take Laksman with us?’ Missy she ask. ‘I was hoping I could take him to the zoo in Madras after Raju goes to the gem merchant. He wants to buy real sapphires and rubies to decorate the saree.’
How I say no? How I say she cannot take my boy see tigers and lions? I want my boy see good ting. I jealous buts I let him go. But I is happy. He cry and cling to me until Missy takes him and gets into car. I still his amman.
I is even more happy Laksman not home. I very happy Laksman he never see. He never see what happen to Gopal.
Gopal he go home one week ago and he no come back. So Big Sir he get Henry to go into town to looks. And Henry he comes back say Gopal no come no more. Dat he own sweetshop in town. But laters we see Mr Krishnapillay. He come running out of room. He crying. He orders Henry to come. Take him to see Sir in Sir office in city. Dey come back.
‘Thomas, I want you to go into town and fetch Gopal,’ Big Sir he says. ‘Tell him I have money to give him. Congratulate him for starting his business.’
I sits down wit Balini baba to make mango pickle. We gots so much mango from mango trees now. We sits behind kitchen wit knife and we cuts de mango and puts it in chilli water wit vinegar. In hot month we leaves it outside tills it ready and we have it wit dosai in cold month.
Dat when Gopal he come. He come to kitchen. ‘You two servant girls. I businessman now. Looks, I got new shirt,’ he brag. So Balini baba and I we looks at shirt. He tells us about how he start business. How he must go back to town soon because dey bring more sweets to sell.
He sound so proud. He sound so happy.
So we alls listen to him, Balini baba, me, Mama Leela and even Henry. We no realise dat Big Sir he come. He bring leather belt. Belt he use to put up his pants. He big man. He use big belt. We all scream when Big Sir he raise him arm and brings belt down. He hits Gopal.
‘Gopal, you idiot!’ Big Sir he shouts. ‘Did you think we would not find out? Did you think Krishnapillay would not look at the envelope he kept his money in? How dare you! How dare you thieve from Krishnapillay!’
Den we understands. Dat Gopal he starts his sweetshop wit Mr Krishnapillay money.
Balini baba tries to save Gopal but Big Sir, he make Henry and Thomas take her away. They holds her in corner wit me and Mama Leela. We alls screams and cries.
Big Sir he hit Gopal until Gopal covered wit blood. His face. His body. His everytin.Gopal he do nuttin. He be too scared.
Den two policeman come in police car. Dey puts Gopal in back. And dey takes him.
‘Let that be a lesson to all of you. Harbandas Lal Govindarajan does not tolerate thieves!’ Big Sir he says.
Den he go inside and have big milk tea. We finds out later dat Gopal he dies. In jail. All wounds get pus. He gets fever and dies. He poor man. And thief. No one cares.
It take my father, grandfather and marcel only two, three weeks to make one saree. But Raju Sir it take nearly two, three month. First he weave saree but he leave de top and bottom borders undone.
I sees what he do next. He make lace. Beautiful lace. It take him hours. Days. Weeks. Slowly. Along bottom. And on top. Like saree float between foam. I also sees tricky ting he does. I goes in to give my Laksman rice porridge and I sees Raju Sir he puts little silver balls into lace. It hold lace down. Beautiful. When lady wears dis saree I tinks she look like she walk on white lake.
Den he decorate saree. He takes needle and thread and he make picture of peacock. So beautiful you tink real peacock on saree. And he puts precious gemstones on saree. In eyes he use little little rubies. Red. O
n body he use real sapphires.
‘Raju, you’ll need to start bringing the saree into the house at night,’ Missy she says. ‘It is precious enough with all the gold thread and gem stones you’ve used on it.’
Big Sir he come and look at it one day. He look at his son-in-law for long time. ‘I never knew,’ he says to Raju. ‘Your first . . . er . . . wife . . . she was very talented.’
‘This is the calibre of work you can expect from the mill in Sri Lanka,’ Raju Sir he say. ‘We don’t produce a great deal at my saree mill but what we produce is beautiful. It is of the highest quality and they are sarees that last a lifetime.’
‘And you can guarantee quality? You can guarantee high standards all the time?’ Big Sir he asks.
‘I wasn’t even the best saree maker at the mill. There are people one thousand times better than me.’
Dat night Big Sir he puts big lock on hut gate. Raju Sir he no care. He no afraid of thieves. ‘Forcing people to live in poverty is what makes thieves of them. If we had encouraged Gopal to talk of his dreams and helped him reach them, he would be alive today,’ he says sadly.
Missy and Laksman dey play and learns while Raju Sir work. Dey sits dere like family. Every morning my Laksman leave my mat to go wit Missy to pray to Ma Savitri – Raju Sir say she is same as Mariamman. Dey lights holy light together. Den dey eats breakfast. Now my Laksman he eat wit Sir, Madame, Missy and Raju Sir.
At first I is scared. It no good servant baby sit wit master. I says dis to Missy.
‘But Pilar, we’re all Saliyas, aren’t we?’ she ask.
Big Sir he raise bushy eyebrow at dat. ‘You are sounding more and more like your husband, Shanthi.’
Two days later Raju Sir go to office in Kanchipuram in afternoon. He interest in business now. Missy she happy, Big Sir too. Dat afternoon be my appointment to see doctor in hospital for baby. Raju Sir take me to Kanchipuram wit him.
Murukananthan he no come much now I gots baby in belly. His business bad all de time. ‘Women dey no buys saree,’ he complain. ‘I need good luck,’ he says. ‘You only have baby boy. You go and have dis scan ting.’ I no tell him nobody buy his saree because he only have ugly saree in his shop.
I is scared. I no want to do scan ting. Even if baby girl I wants it. I wants to say what if my baby girl like Laksman. Wit big beautiful smile and big eyes. Everybody love my Laksman. May dey love my baby girl. But I no says dis.
Raju Sir he take me in car to hospital and drop me off at gate where he see Murukananthan. Murukananthan he no talk to me. He drunk. I can smells de arrack on breath. Henry say he always see Murukananthan drinking in Kanchipuram and visiting devadasi. ‘Pilar wit baby – man gots to do man ting,’ he says to Henry.
First we see midwife. She look at me. Looks at my teeth. Den she asks me questions. Private questions. I cannot answer. But she make me. She takes bloods den. Dis so different to when I has my Laksman. When I has Laksman, Shrugravethi Devi from next street she come when I gets pain. She helps me. She and Marmee holds my legs apart when Laksman he born. Dere be no question. No taking bloods.
Den we sees doctor. He young man. I so scared man touch my belly. I tries to move away but Murukananthan he hold me dere. He hold me down and doctor puts cold ting on belly.
‘She stupid girl from village,’ Murukananthan he say to doctor.
But it take doctor only little time.
‘It’s a girl,’ he says. ‘When do you want me to take her out? You’ll need twenty-five rupees for that.’
‘Next month,’ Murukananthan he says. ‘I no gots money dis month.’
‘As long as it’s before she is four months along,’ de doctor he says. He no interested. He no care he going to kill my baby girl. Murukananthan he leave me at hospital gate. He no care now I gots baby girl in belly. I walks to de big house crying. I cries all de way. I love my babies. Babies make me mother. Mother make me alive.
One time a month dey show a film on television. And Big Sir gots television. First time I sees television in Big Sir house I is scared. ‘What dis evil ting,’ I asks Balini baba.
‘You no see film?’
‘No, I no leaves Murukananthan street until I comes here. He bring me to his parent house and leaves me dere. I no go out. I no do nuttin.’
Balini baba den tells me about films. I only see TV. I no go to films. No paper money.
Not dat Big Sir lets us watch TV. Not even his family. He say it use too much electricity. But film night it be different. Film night Madame, Missy, Big Sir and even Raju Sir dey comes out and watch. In de big room wit chairs. Neighbours dey come too. Dey sits on chairs. ‘Rich people no go to film theatres to watch film. Too common,’ Balini baba she explains.
‘But dey have TV in house, nah?’ I asks. I knows dis because I sometimes go next door to get curry leaves and I sees TV in dat house. And dere Sir and Madame dey watch it all de time.
‘Yes, Pilar, but dis way dey gets to watch it together. Have chai after and masala dosai.’
We servants sits on mats outside in garden and looks in. When it rains, we used to have to go back to servant house and not watch. Den Raju Sir he says sometin to Missy and Missy say sometin to Big Sir. Now we is allowed to sit in front of kitchen door wit mats and watch.
Not dat I cares. For days now all I does is cries. After I finish works I sits on my mat and cries. ‘How I lives after dey kills my baby?’ I asks Balini baba.
Balini baba cries too. She gots no answer. ‘Stupid shanty people! Without girl how deir son marry? Dey all becomes hijra.’ But dat evening Balini baba she comes and gets me. ‘Come, Pilar, come. You cry it no do you good. Come watch film wit us.’
I goes in and sits down. Henry, Balini baba and Thomas dey gets extra mat for me and little pillow because of baby. It only when I sits down wit Laksman in my arms dat I see. On de far wall like a golden rain falling from sky. Raju Sir put saree on wall. Like picture.
‘When dat happen?’ I asks Balini baba.
‘He finish saree yesterday. Henry and Thomas puts it up dis afternoon while you cries.’
From top to bottom de saree it be beautiful. Like waterfall wit peacock at bottom.
Neighbours den dey come. Doctor from next door. Even de Sir who work in Kamakshi Amman temple in Kanchipuram come. Dey looks at saree.
‘Oh my goodness,’ de doctor he say. ‘You are a real artist, Raju Nair. A real artist.’
‘Wait till you see the paintings. They came from London the other week,’ Missy she says. ‘Laksman adores them. Come, they are hung in our sitting room.’ She takes de guests to her part of house, but dey soon hurries back because film about to start. Dey look at Raju Sir like dey scared of him.
‘We are in for a treat,’ de doctor he says. ‘The film tonight is called Mother India.’
‘An Indian classic,’ Big Sir he says.
‘Remember, Lal, you took me to see it on our honeymoon?’ Madame she smile. ‘Back then only quality people could afford to go to cinemas.’
I cries through all film. It so sad. Sad story of Radha and her life. Her husband his arms crush. He leave her. Den her baby get killed in flood. I cries. And I cries. And when she kills her son, I cries so much dat Madame must stand up and say, ‘Oh please excuse my servant Pilar, she is pregnant.’
But I still dere when film finish. I dere when de Sir who work for temple speak to Raju Sir and Missy.
‘As you know, it will be Shree Panchami in the next few months. We usually do a pageant from the temple to the river. The main Kamakshi Devi idol is dressed in a new saree and paraded through the city to herald spring. I would be more than honoured to give you 75,000 rupees for that saree,’ he says to Raju Sir.
‘No,’ Raju Sir he says.
‘How about 80,000 rupees?’
‘That saree is not for sale.’
‘But you are a Saliya. You understand that this is a gift to the goddess. Your patron goddess. It is your duty to give it to her,’ de temple Sir now he says.
‘I want you
to understand this, and I will only say it one more time. That saree is not for sale,’ Raju Sir he says and walks away.
‘Well! Well! I have never heard of anything more ridiculous! Lal! Have a chat with your son-in-law. I could go to the temple trustees and even secure a lakh for that saree.’
I is very surprised when I hears Missy speak. ‘As my husband said, that saree is not for sale. Please do not ask for it again,’ Missy she say and walk to follow Raju Sir.
‘Are you Pilar?’ a beautiful lady asks me. I nods. I be standing outside Kamakshi Amman temple. It be early morning and I gone for my prayers. I has left my Laksman wit Raju Sir and Missy. Sometime he fall asleep wit Missy now.
‘Come,’ the beautiful lady says. I follow her. We goes inside and we prays. She take me close pooja table to gods. Close like rich peoples. No one argue wit her. She can go as close as she want. She take de lamp from pusari. Dat is not right. Only mens can hold holy light.
She laughs at me. ‘Yes, Pilar, I can hear your thoughts,’ she says. ‘That boys are lucky and girls are not is nonsense made up by men. As is this nonsense that only men can hold the holy fire.’
Dat when I notice de beautiful lady looks like de statue behind her. And dat statue look like Nargis, de lady who is Radha in de film last night. ‘Yes, the likeness is astonishing, isn’t it?’ she smiles. Den she ask me to follow her.
I follow her. She slow down a little. I cannot walk fast as her wit baby in my belly. We come back to big house. Big Sir house. Only it be different. Dere be sometin different and I don’t understand.
‘Don’t be scared, Pilar,’ de beautiful lady she says. She walks through front door. I tries to go back and go through back door, but she pulls me wit her. ‘You follow me,’ she says. Ands I do.
Dere be no one in de house. It be empty. Very strange. House should be busy dis time of morning. Even if it too early and everyone still sleep. Henry and Thomas should be sleeping by stairs. Dat what dey do. Dey sleep by stairs to protect family from thieves.
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