“I am not getting into this with you again, Elsie, so forget it. You’re wasting your breath. The picture lineup is finalized.” He looks at her once again, squaring his shoulders and gathering the courage to do what was expected of him, even if it was not necessarily right.
He could see the look of utter disappointment and hurt on her face. Elsie has a pretty face, behind the glasses and cloud of dark brown hair, full of life and passion. He’s had a huge crush on Elsie ever since the ninth grade, but now he’s ashamed of himself for turning his back on what is right, in exchange for what is ‘expected’; for selling out. It’s almost impossible for him to look her in the eye now, her complete disappointment is shouting loud and clear at him.
“I’m sorry, Elsie, it’s out of my hands,” he says with a strained voice, allowing her a brief glimpse at the real him.
Realization dawns on Elsie, as her mouth slowly opens with a silent gasp.
“I get it now,” Elsie says quietly. “I’m so stupid!” she exclaims, hitting herself on the side of her head.
Joe doesn’t say anything, what else is there to say?
Pushing her chair slowly away from the table, Elsie gets up and goes to the corner of the room where she’d thrown her backpack and purse when she entered the room an hour ago. Gathering her belongings, she turns and walks to the door, her shoulders hunched in defeat.
“Where are you going, Elsie?” Joe asks, the shame and hurt he’s feeling are clear in his voice.
“I’m done, Joe. This was a fucking joke to begin with. I’m sure you’ll give them exactly what they want,” she says facing him from the doorway, her hand on the doorknob. Turning, she walks out, slamming the door behind her.
There are still some students in the building who participate in afterschool groups and activities, but this section of the school is quiet. Elsie’s footsteps, in her converse sneakers, fall softly on the tiled floor, the empty hallways are darkened and the building is almost eerily peaceful. The door to the boy’s locker room, down the hallway, opens up as a couple of football players come out and Elsie mutters disgustedly to herself, “Isn’t this just perfect.” Johnny Simonella and his little sidekick, Charlie Myers, are heading straight towards Elsie. They haven’t noticed her yet so she looks around hoping to find an unlocked room so that she can duck in and hide until they pass.
“Hey, Elsie,” Johnny calls loudly, jerking her attention back, although she really has no desire to talk to him right now.
Elsie pretends not to hear him and fumbles around in her bag as if she’s looking for something, then mumbles, “Damn,” before she starts to turn on her heel to head back the way she came. Joe’s better than these two Muscle Heads.
“Wait up, Elsie!” Charlie calls out, and Elsie hears their footsteps moving faster…as if they’re jogging towards her.
What the hell could these two dickheads want with me? Elsie thinks to herself as she stops short, her body stiffens at the thought of having to talk to them right now.
In all honesty, Johnny’s not so bad. He’s always polite to everyone, and never talks down to the nerdy, unpopular kids. Charlie has a bit of a geek streak in him, but he keeps it pretty well hidden. Every once in a while it will peek out, when he’s working with other kids in class or if the teacher calls on him to answer a question. He’s actually pretty smart.
“Hey, Elsie, we thought you were ignoring us,” Johnny says a little out of breath.
“No, I just didn’t hear you, what’s up?” Elsie lies, beginning to fidget and getting nervous.
She’s not the most social butterfly in the garden. Her mouth tends to work on its own frequency, blurting out whatever it wants to, even if it is completely inappropriate, but usually perfectly honest.
“Nothin’, just wanted to know how the yearbook was coming along. We always see you around taking pictures, and the ones you put in the school newspaper are the best,” Charlie says smiling stupidly, at least to Elsie, it looks like a stupid grin.
Elsie’s fist clench at her sides as her anger begins to skyrocket. Jutting her face into Charlie’s she says with all the control she can muster, “Why don’t you ask Joe. He seems to think some people,” she says, with sarcasm dripping from her words, as she blatantly looks both Charlie and Johnny up and down, pausing for effect, before she continues, “Should have a bigger presence in the yearbook than others. I think that is total bullshit.” She leans back a fraction, having made her point. “So I’m done.”
Both of them stare at her wide-eyed. This is the normal response to most of Elsie’s outburst, however this one is a bit more subdued than her usual outbursts.
“You can’t quit the yearbook, you’re the most talented photographer. If you leave, it will totally suck,” Charlie blurts out.
Elsie is shocked at what he’s just said. Now it’s her turn to look at him with surprise on her face and her mouth agape.
Does he really think that? she wonders.
“And Elsie,” Charlie steps a little closer, looking a little shy, “I was wondering if you’d like to go to the movies with me this weekend? I could pick you up, maybe Saturday night? We could go to the 7:00 show, I’ll come by your house about 6:30, ok?”
Holy shit, did he just ask me to go to the movies? With him?! She’s completely stunned by his invitation.
“Are you serious?” Elsie asks Charlie and the question comes out sounding as if she thinks he’s crazy. Because she does.
Charlie’s head jerks up, “Yeah, I’m serious! Why?”
“Because it’s kind of crazy, the idea of me going to the movies, or anywhere, with you.” Elsie can’t stop the words before they pop out.
“Why?!” The surprise is now evident in both of the boys’ faces.
“Because you’re a them and I’m just me,” she answers, looking at both of them like, Are you stupid?
“That’s crazy, Elsie. Come on, what’s your address? I’m serious, I’ll be at your house at 6:30 Saturday night,” he says smiling a little more confidently.
Blinking in disbelief she wonders, Is he for real? Could he really want to go to the movies with me? Warmth starts to spread through her and a smile tugs on her lips.
“Ok,” she finally responds and gives him her address and cell phone number.
*
“Did you like the movie, Els?” Charlie asks Elsie, as they leave the theater Saturday night, and he slips his arm around her shoulder.
She can’t help but smile at the nickname, he called her, Els.
It sounds so cute coming from him, she thinks to herself.
“Yeah, it was good, did you?” she asks Charlie shyly.
“Yeah,” he answers as they get into his silver 2003 Nissan Sentra. “Do you have to go right home? It’s a nice night,” he turns to her and asks.
“No, I don’t have to be home until 10:30,” she replies, not really knowing how to act.
She’s never really been a date before, at least not one like this. The couple of guys she’d gone out with before were ones she knew well. They were more her type of people, not the popular kids.
“Good,” he says, backing the car out of the parking space and heading for the outskirts of town.
The moon is full, and the dark night sky is clear. The only clouds are soft wisps, moving so fast across the blue-black sky that it looks like they’re running. Charlie pulls into a field. There aren’t any houses around, and no traffic passing by on the road behind them. The only sounds are from the woods, and he takes Elsie’s hand.
“I used to come here all the time, just to get away. Isn’t it peaceful?” he turns to her and asks.
“It’s beautiful out here. I bet if we sit here long enough, we’ll see some deer coming out to graze,” Elsie says as she turns her head, looking around the big field in front of them.
“It’s not the deer I want to see, let’s get in the backseat,” he says, as he opens his door to get out.
Alarm starts to rise in Elsie. She’s never gone past second base
with a guy before, she’s still a virgin. Besides, this is only the first time she’s been out with Charlie.
When he notices she isn’t moving, he walks over to her door and opens it. Bending down, he brings his face close to hers.
“It’s ok, I’m not going to do anything you don’t want,” he tells her as he brings his lips to hers. It’s a soft kiss at first, then he slides his tongue into her mouth. Elsie can’t help responding to him, the kiss feels good. He lifts his lips from hers and takes her hand to lead her from the car.
“Go ahead, Babe, you first.”
Elsie slides in and Charlie follows behind her.
“I’ve wanted to ask you out for a while, Elsie,” he says kissing her softly.
“Why didn’t you?”
“I wasn’t sure what you’d say, that’s why Johnny came with me,” he kisses her again, a little longer this time, as his hand begins to move up her body.
“You were scared?” she asks breathlessly.
“Yes, I’m really glad you said yes,” he says before his mouth closes over hers as he shoves his tongue between her lips and pushes her gently back on to the seat.
His hands become more daring, roaming over body, feeling her small frame through her clothes. Elsie’s body instinctively reacts to him, his fingers move to her nipples, playing with them through the fabric of her shirt. She gasps at the sensations that flood through her and she starts to move involuntarily beneath him. His hands begin to move faster and with more urgency. He slides her shirt up, pulling her bra with it, exposing her breasts to the night air. Elsie’s hands jerk to cover herself, shocked at his actions.
“It’s ok, you’re so beautiful,” he says, his voice suddenly sounding funny.
Charlie lowers his head to one of her breasts and sucks a nipple into his mouth, while squeezing the small globe in his hand. Elsie’s body arches into his mouth reflexively with his suckling, and her hand moves to cup the back of his head. She moans instinctively as his tongue flicks the pebbled tip. Charlie’s other hand is suddenly at the button and zipper of her jeans, making quick work of her pants, sliding his hand in and stabbing a finger into her hole.
“OH MY GOD!” Elsie exclaims at the unexpected intrusion.
Charlie’s finger’s glide in and out of her wet slit as he whispers, “Shhh, Baby, it’s ok. You feel so good.”
He rubs his erection against her, “Feel me, Baby, touch it.”
The sensations humming through Elsie feel so good, as Charlie pumps his finger in and out of her. She gingerly moves her hand to the front of his pants and wraps her fingers around his hard-on.
“Slide your hand up and down, rub it, Baby,” he grunts into her ear, his finger never stopping its movement within her.
Her hand tries to do what he asked, moving up and down while holding on to him through the stiffness of his denim.
“Fuck, Baby, that feels so good,” he growls as he shoves his finger deep inside of her and sucks her other nipple into his mouth.
Charlie pulls his hand from Elsie and lifts himself off her. Before she knows what’s happening, he’s got her pants and underwear off and is unbuttoning his own pants.
“What are you doing?” Elsie asks wide-eyed looking at his hard dick. She’s never a seen a penis in person before.
“Nothing, Baby,” he answers, and lowers his head to give Elsie a quick kiss.
His pants are open and he’s ripping a condom pack open with his teeth.
“No, Charlie,” Elsie says shaking her head.
“Shhh, Baby, it’s ok,” he says, kissing her again, pushing her mouth open with his tongue, as he slides the condom on. His finger moves to her wetness again, sliding through the folds before plunging inside of her. His mouth claims her nipple again, tweaking and biting it. She is consumed by so many different feelings, arousal, desire and fear.
Charlie moves his hand to hold himself up and pushes her legs apart with his knee. He positions himself between them and places the tip of his hard-on at her entrance and begins to shove inside her.
“Stop, Charlie, I can’t,” Elsie says as the desire she’s feeling from the stimulation of her breast is still coursing through her.
“Baby, you are so beautiful, you make me crazy,” he murmurs as he pushes himself in a little more.
He has her body pinned below him with his own. He has her frozen along with her growing fear.
“Charlie, please, stop…,” Elsie is feeling the oncoming pain from his intrusion as her fear begins to rise.
“Fuck, Baby, you’re a virgin,” he says, as he pulls back slightly.
“Yes,” she gasps, ready to relax, thinking he’s pulling out.
Then he shoves hard into her. Elsie screams at the shocking stab of pain and digs her nails into his arms at her sides. Charlie slams his mouth over her open mouth and kisses her, trying to quiet her screams. He stays motionless, his dick buried in her up to his balls, kissing her and stroking her mouth with his tongue. He feels her nails loosen on his upper arms and he begins to slow the kiss, shifting his weight ever so slightly. His hips begin to mirror the movements of his tongue, sliding in and out, slowly at first, then beginning to pick up the pace, moving faster and deeper.
“Oh God, Baby, you feel so good, so tight, so good,” he mumbles into Elsie’s ear as his hips begin to pound into her and with one last thrust he buries his twitching cock inside Elsie’s sore hole and cums.
He slumps against Elsie’s tense body, breathing heavily as sweat pours from his forehead.
What the hell just happened? Elsie asks herself, lying beneath Charlie’s spent frame. Her eyes are darting everywhere, trying to comprehend everything that’s just happened. She’s clutching his arms, which rest limply at her sides, much like the deflated penis that’s slipping out of her. I just lost my virginity….and it totally sucked!
Charlie stirs on top of her, “Mmm, Baby, that was so good, thank you,” Charlie says, lifting his head and giving her a quick peck on the lips, before he lifts himself off her. He sits on the backseat, forcing Elsie to move her legs and shift into a sitting position. He rolls off the condom, opens the door, then throws it out into the field.
“That’s littering,” Elsie says breaking the awkward silence.
He looks at her as if she has three heads.
“It’s all good, Babe,” he says, smiling as if it’s no big deal, like he doesn’t have to follow the rules.
“No, it’s not good. What if a deer eats it? It’ll choke and die,” she says, completely exasperated by his total disregard for anyone, or anything, except himself.
“Well then, I guess it could be a new kind of blow job,” he laughs at his stupid joke.
“You’re an asshole,” Elsie blurts out.
“Yeah, and you just fucked me. Come on, I’ll take you home,” he says to her, triumphantly.
Elsie could not feel anymore used and degraded than she did at that moment. She wants claw at her eyes and rip her hair out.
Elsie knew that her life would never be the same. Charlie had broken something inside her and the scars would last a lifetime.
*
Monday morning at school, Elsie feels like she’s got a huge blinking sign on her that reads, ‘I lost my virginity to Charlie Myers,’ and she wants to shout out, And it totally sucked!
She can’t help looking around at the faces in the hallways, wondering if anyone knows and who might be talking about her. She had to wear a loose, long-sleeved top, which was odd for this time of year. But no one paid any attention to her. No one saw the fear and the pain in her eyes. No one cared. Especially not Charlie.
When he dropped her off Saturday night, he leaned over to her side of the car, gave her a quick, obligatory, peck on the cheek, and said good night. She got out of the car and slammed the door. She couldn’t get away from him fast enough, and once inside she ran upstairs, mumbling responses to her parent’s questions as she flew by. She tore off her clothes and got into a scalding shower, trying to scrub the filth an
d humiliation off herself. Despite her best efforts, she couldn’t scrub the feelings from her, they choked and strangled her.
Feeling distraught and hopeless, she saw the Bic razors. She stood and stared at them for a long moment as thoughts began to click into place, in her screaming mind. Picking up one of the razors, she examined it. She stepped out of the still running shower, leaving a sopping wet path on the floor, and opened the drawers in the vanity, looking for something to break the razor open with. She stepped back into the cocoon of cascading water and made the first cut across the underside of her forearm. The sting of pain was a blissful welcome release, taking her away from the pain of the night. She watched her blood mix with the water and thought the red looked beautiful, swirling against the stark white tub. She sat down, and leaned back, then filled each arm with slices. The cuts weren’t very deep but the blood carried away her humiliation and filled her with euphoria, it was almost like a drug, intoxicating her.
School was the same, nothing was different. The ‘thems’ kept to themselves, especially Charlie. It was as if their date had never happened, except the slices along Elsie’s arms were a constant reminder. Elsie pulled even deeper into herself. It truly was ‘them and me’ now.
It should have gotten easier, it should have melted into the background and disappeared like yesterday’s TV shows. But it didn’t. And it was getting harder for Elsie to escape the painful memories. The cutting became more frequent, more intense. Until finally, one night, her parents had to rush her to the emergency room, because she cut too deep. It took sixteen stitches to close up the gashes and earned her a night in the hospital. Then there was the psychiatrist, who sent her home with a prescription for depression.
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