by Sue MacKay
‘Hard not to, exhaustion being the theme of the day.’
Talk about cranky. ‘Most patients I’ve seen with this flu say the same. It takes up to a week to be back on your feet,’ she warned.
‘Me lying around that long? I don’t think so.’
‘Get over yourself. This week you’re a patient, not a doctor. Now, tell me what other symptoms you’re getting, real or not.’ She’d known the moment he’d talked to her that morning that he’d been worrying the cancer was back. It had been in his hesitancy and the strain deepening his voice. So unlike the confident Max she knew.
He glared at her.
She laughed back, refusing to show concern for his fears. That would only endorse them, and he didn’t need that, though she did sympathise. ‘Come on.’
‘Lily.’ He stopped, swallowed and stared towards the window.
Her heart slowed dangerously. This wasn’t about her helping him. This was about them. Deep inside, pain was already growing. Now she recognised the look in his face. Regret. Sorrow. And that damned determination. ‘Don’t.’
‘I have to. I was wrong to think I could have a future without upsetting you. Or me.’ Those khaki eyes locked on her. ‘I’m sorry. I’ve let us both down. Please, don’t waste your time trying to convince me otherwise. I’d like you to leave now, and only be in contact at work.’ His voice cracked, and a lone tear rolled down his cheek. ‘I’m doing this for you, Lily.’
Her heart stopped completely. Her hands were wet. Her stomach so tight a golf ball would be large beside it. He couldn’t do this without fighting for them. Max was afraid of being hurt, of hurting her. Well, he was already hurting, so was she. But the only way to get through to him was to show him, not tell him. It was going to take time. ‘When did you last have a colonoscopy?’
‘Don’t do this, Lily.’
‘Answer the question, will you?’ She could do tough if it meant winning him over.
His sigh hung between them. ‘Twelve months ago. I was having severe stomach pains. Turned out it was a false alarm.’
Bet he’d panicked then, too. ‘You’ve had your share of medical dramas, Max.’
‘I’m not afraid of getting sick or having surgery. It’s the unknown I hate, especially when it comes to the people I hold dear.’
Sitting on the edge of the bed, she reached for his hand.
Max pulled away. ‘Please, go back to work. I don’t need you here.’
Low blow. But she was better than that. ‘I get why you’re worried, but I truly believe you’ve got the flu and nothing more. Your stomach could be aching because you’re so worried, or because of that dinner you ate last night, or from fear about the future.’
‘You might be right. I might be overreacting. But what if I’m right? I don’t want you nursing me through it, being stuck with me no matter what. I care deeply for you, Lily, and that’s why I have to let you go.’
Her head was shaking from side to side. She couldn’t stand, she’d fall flat on her face. Her skin was cold, her heart hot and thumping. He cared deeply? Did that mean he loved her? Then he had just set himself up for a battle, and he was going to lose. ‘Right.’ Her forehead pulled tight as she arched one eyebrow. ‘I hear you. Now I’m out of here.’ For now. ‘The waiting room opens again in fifteen.’
She’d reached the door when he spoke.
‘Lily, I am so sorry.’
Gripping the doorframe to prevent herself rushing over and hugging him tight, she forced herself to smile and said, ‘One step at a time, Max. Let’s find out what’s wrong first, shall we?’
‘No, not we. Devlin’s helping me. Don’t come back here. I’ll see you when I return to work.’ His voice broke and he turned to stare at the window.
Which was good because then he didn’t see the stream of tears pouring down her face, leaving lines in her make-up. ‘Bye, Max.’ But not goodbye. She had his key. He needed food, and to be looked out for, and love. And there was plenty of that for him in her heart.
* * *
The afternoon dragged. More cases of flu, a referral to a cardiology department, a malaria recurrence, and the removal of sun damage by minor surgery kept Lily busy, and yet the minutes crept by.
‘I saw Max at lunchtime,’ she told Devlin when they had finally closed the doors and were having a coffee in his office.
‘Thought you might’ve. How is he?’
‘Physically or mentally?’ If only she could bite her nails to relieve some of the tension holding her in a twist. She loved Max and he’d told her to get out of his life. ‘He’s a mess. I believe he’s got the flu. He doesn’t.’
‘What about the stomach-ache he’s been having?’
‘Stress? Exhaustion?’ She lifted one shoulder, let it drop. ‘I—I don’t know.’
‘Neither do I, but I think you’re right, it’s flu.’
Lily waited but when Devlin remained quiet, her tongue got the better of her. ‘He’s so negative about his future. He doesn’t want to love someone and then let them down by getting ill again. He doesn’t want to take risks.’ Only to Devlin could she talk about this.
He was watching her with something much too like sympathy in his expression.
A look she wasn’t grateful for. ‘I am going to fight him on this.’
‘No surprise there.’ Devlin paused, seemed to be collecting his thoughts. ‘The problem is that Max is susceptible to overthinking his health when it’s not perfect. Something many people who’ve had cancer go through. You have to wait this out, Lily.’
She lifted her head to look at the man who was like a second father. Her stomach rolled over. He knew. Knew she loved Max. Knew how hard she’d fight for him. ‘Really?’
‘First, he isn’t your patient. Second, he’s not going to allow you to stand with him while he waits to find out what’s going on.’ He began tapping at his keyboard.
‘You can’t tell me anything.’ She accepted that. But, ‘Are there any times I should be blocking out patient appointments over the coming days because of other commitments?’
‘Like I said, I can’t tell you anything. Now I think it’s time we went home and relaxed after the hectic day we’ve all had.’ He stood up and winked. ‘Close my computer down for me, will you? I’ve got a call to make.’
After Devlin left his office, Lily stepped around his desk and read the screen in front of her. Max had an appointment for a CT scan at seven tomorrow and Declan had also ordered a CRP and a full blood count.
She sighed. The CT scan was the best scan for the condition, and there were nearly twenty-five hours before that was done. She’d have to be patient. But she could help Max in the meantime. He’d need dinner in some form, and there’d been little in his fridge or pantry that would be of any use. She’d hit the supermarket then deliver to his bedside.
He could say what he liked but she wasn’t disappearing out of his life yet. If at all.
* * *
‘I told you to stay away, Lily,’ Max snapped, when he opened his front door to the strident rings that had gone on and on. He’d thought the taxi he’d ordered to take him to the radiology department at Auckland Central Hospital had got the time wrong. Bloody woman. It was hard enough knowing he’d kicked her out of his life, then finding food parcels in his fridge, without having her turning up on his doorstep and waving car keys in his face.
‘Stop being a grump. I’m giving you a ride to your appointment, that’s all. Nothing out of the ordinary for friends.’ Her smile was small but genuine. She wasn’t letting him off the hook.
Did he have to get mean and nasty to make what he’d said about their relationship sink in? ‘There are taxis in this city. I have one coming in twenty minutes.’
‘Then you’ll have to cancel it. I’m taking you there and back. It will be quicker and more comfortable.’
How? The temperature ou
tside was freezing. ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake, come inside.’ Max stepped back, holding the door wide, slamming it shut the moment Lily stepped past him. ‘This isn’t going to get you anywhere, Lily. I meant what I said.’
She shrugged and carried on walking towards his lounge. ‘I know you did.’
‘So why are you here?’
She sat down on the couch and looked up at him. ‘I love you, Max, and I won’t give up on you because you are afraid of hurting me. I’m tough, I can take it. I will take it because I believe you care about me, too.’
He swallowed the bile that rose in his mouth. Lily loved him. He’d been hoping for that before the thought of being ill again had recurred. She loved him and he’d hurt her already. ‘I...’ He stopped. What could he say to make any of this better?
‘I mean it. I love you, and that means whatever the outcome of your CT is, I’m here for you. I won’t go away just because I’m hurting for you. Hurting for us. I am going to be there when you find out, and I’m going to be here for ever.’
His knees gave out and his butt hit the edge of the chair behind him. Gripping the edges, he pushed back onto it. ‘You don’t know what you’re saying, what you’re letting yourself in for.’
‘Oh, yes, I do.’ Lily stood up, and held out her hand. ‘Come on. Let’s go find out what’s going on.’
CHAPTER TEN
LILY SAT RIGID on the plastic chair in the waiting room, barely daring to breathe.
Max had been gone ages. CTs didn’t take this long. What was going on? Had they found a tumour? If that was the case, why hadn’t he asked for her to join him while the doctor discussed it? Had he gone out another door to get away from facing up to her with the horrific news?
‘Lily?’ A pair of familiar, jeans-clad legs appeared in her line of sight.
Deep breath. Her hands clenched.
‘Lily, look at me.’
Slowly raising her head, she found Max’s gaze on her and a small smile on his lips. ‘Tell me.’
‘No tumour.’
‘Truly?’ He wouldn’t be smiling if there was.
‘Truly.’ He reached a hand out. ‘Take me home?’
Home. ‘Meaning?’
His smile faded.
So did the glimmer of hope that had begun to rise in her heart. ‘I see.’ Ignoring his hand, she pushed off the chair and headed for the door. ‘Come on.’
It was a silent trip home. Silent and tense. When she pulled up in his driveway she said, ‘I’m coming in for a coffee.’
‘Don’t do this to yourself, Lily.’
She shoved her door open and got out, waited impatiently for Max to do the same before pinging the lock.
Once inside she put the coffee on as though it was her place to do so. ‘Sit down before you fall down.’ He mightn’t have cancer, but that flu was punishing him. And she hadn’t started on him yet.
When the coffee was ready and they were sitting at the table with a mug each, Lily drew a deep breath and reminded herself why she wasn’t giving up. She loved Max and would do anything for him. As well as making him get over the past and move on, even if it didn’t include her. ‘You are letting yourself down, Max.’
‘You think so?’
‘Come on. Haven’t we been great together these past weeks? Think about the times we’ve spent talking and laughing, enjoying meals, being a couple.’
‘I have thought of exactly the same things.’
‘You were happy with me? You did start looking forward to a future you’d hidden from yourself?’
‘Ye-es.’
‘Then think about the camp. About those kids and how each and every one of them got up after being knocked down physically or mentally to carry on. How they wouldn’t let anything keep them from trying for what they want.’ Her hands shook too much to lift the mug so she gripped them together in her lap. ‘Didn’t they show you anything?’
Max reached across to touch her arm. ‘Hope. Strength. Love for life.’
‘Where’s yours, Max?’
‘Lily, you don’t understand how it hurts me to hurt you.’
‘You’re saying you love me?’ Thump, thump. Please mean that. Please.
‘I’m saying we’re over.’
Lily sagged forward. Here I go again. What’s so wrong with me that men don’t stay around?
Pain bashed at her. She loved him. So much so she’d begun to feel he might just be starting to reciprocate her feelings. And he’d pulled the plug. Did that mean he didn’t care for her? Or that he did and was afraid to follow through? Wasn’t that idea just her being overly hopeful? When she’d already been here and knew the outcome? No, not this time. She wasn’t accepting this. Not yet. Not so quickly or easily. But first she had to get away, think it through, not react blindly to a past pain. Not let this man walk away without a fight because others had done that.
Her face had blanched. Her eyes were dark with sadness and, yes, anger.
Max felt sick to his toes. But how else did he get through to her?
Silence stretched between them.
Finally he had to fill it. ‘You’ve got nothing to say, have you?’ Pain lashed at his heart. He did not want Lily to walk away, yet she had to.
‘Until you start accepting you have a rosy future if you’re brave enough to grab it with both hands and make the most of it, you are going to be unhappy.’ With that, she walked out of his house, quietly snicking the lock shut behind her.
Leaving him aching to hold her, desperate for them to be together, sharing the night in his bed. His lonely bed, where he now headed after swallowing a handful of painkillers.
The house creaked, highlighting his aloneness. No, damn it. Loneliness. For the first time in his adult life he missed the company of someone in his house as they went about everyday things. While he lay in bed and then got up to eat and return to the warmth of his duvet. There were the days Lily had arrived with prepared meals, talked with him, laughed over stupid stories of his or her past, discussed what they both hoped for in their futures at the medical hub. It had been real and fun, honest and hopeful.
Now she’d walked out without kissing him, without a speech about drinking lots of water and taking his pills.
He mustn’t forget this was Lily Scott. She’d changed, but there was no denying she was still that strong, independent woman who always followed her own heart, looking out for others along the way. Like Josie. Putting her niece’s needs before her own. He’d seen her do the same with patients, years ago and recently.
Lily had put him first since he’d come down with the flu. She’d seen through his fear and basically, kindly, told him to get over it. He’d been given a second chance and he was wasting it. His words, her meaning.
His heart thumped once, hard and painfully. Lily Scott. Since his first day on duty as a junior doctor in Auckland Central Hospital’s emergency department she’d been a thorn in his side. Annoying, frustrating, aloof, sexy and tormenting. And a hundred other things. He’d thought he’d forgotten her when she’d left the department, but in reality he never had. She’d been there, under the surface, leaping up into his consciousness the moment he’d heard her name and realised they were going to work at the same clinic. With that came the memories. Bad, great and everything in between.
Lily was in his psyche. Like it or not. Like? Try love. Yeah, he’d gone and fallen head over feet in love with Lily. He had a choice to make. He’d done it earlier then backed off in a flaming hurry. This time he had to be one hundred percent certain. Did he take a chance on the future he’d been handed by the specialists and his own determination to survive, and declare his love to her, ask for a life together, share the raising of their child, children even? Or...his chest rose then fell...move away out of her life and that of her baby that she’d have and adore for ever?
A sour taste came to his mouth. He couldn
’t do that. Not without trying to convince her he was worthy of her, and would stick with her through whatever the future threw at them. The good and the not so good. Even if... Another long breath. Even if the cancer returned and wreaked havoc on him. Them. They were both strong, together they’d be resilient. They’d have a rock-solid, loving relationship.
Was he ready to commit to life with Lily? Regardless of how she felt about him, he had to be certain this love was for real, for ever, before he did anything about it.
* * *
‘Make an appointment to see me in a week’s time,’ Max told his patient. ‘I want to see how you’re coping with the new diet regime.’ The middle-aged woman had a fasting glucose of ten mmol/L.
‘I started the day you phoned to say my blood result was indicative of diabetes. I’m walking every day.’
‘That’s good, Meryl, but I’d like to keep an eye on you until you’re used to the new routine. Any time you’re uncertain about anything you can talk to our nurses, too. I’ve seen patients start out well then falter after the tedium sets in. This is a life-changer, not something you do for a few weeks.’
‘I understand. I have been reading about diabetes and how other people manage. It’s a bit scary.’ She stood up and headed for the door. ‘I’ll make an appointment when I pay for today.’
Max headed out to the waiting room. ‘Bill, come in.’ He watched as his sixty-five-year-old patient limped across the room. ‘That hip’s getting worse. I’m going to refer you to an orthopaedic surgeon,’ he said as Bill settled onto a chair by his desk.
‘It’s still good enough. I get around fine. I only came for a repeat prescription of the anti-inflammatory.’
Max shook his head. Stubborn old guy. ‘Get up on the bed so I can check that hip out thoroughly.’
Bill dropped his jeans, hobbled over to the bed and hauled himself onto it to lie down. ‘I’m still mowing the lawns, going to the gym and riding my cycle to work.’