“I was a popular lady,” I said under my breath.
“Huh?”
“Nothing.” I waved my brother towards an empty chair. “So, what can I help you with? I’m here to serve after all.”
Adam sat down and dropped some files on my desk. He took a sip from his disposable coffee cup, the smell wafting my way. My stomach instantly rolled in protest at the pungent smell. This was not good. “You do look pale. Is it just a virus?”
Not quite…
“I’m fine,” I retorted, waiting for nausea to pass.
I wasn’t a very good liar, but it seemed to appease my brother. Adam seemed relieved. “Good. Meg wanted me to bring you chicken soup or something, but I told her you’re a bear when you’re ill and it was best to leave you alone.”
“Smart man,” I chuckled. “How is my favorite soon-to-be sister-in-law? I’m sorry I haven’t been by in so long.”
“It’s fine, I know we work you hard. Being a first-year associate doesn’t leave much time for a social life. I do remember.” If only he knew how much of a social life I actually had. “Meg is up to her eyeballs with her new art installation in Fenley plus wedding planning. She could probably use a girl’s night soon,” Adam hinted.
I clicked my pen. “I’ll drag her out, no worries. It’s my duty as a bride’s maid.”
Adam gave me his doting older brother smile. “You’re such a good sister.”
I sighed. “I know. But you can tell me how awesome I am all you want.” I could still smell his coffee. My mouth felt dry and I was dangerously close to throwing up. I pushed my chair back from my desk and stood up, putting some distance between me and the devil’s juice in his cup.
“We’ve got a few calls for representation. Low-level stuff, but I thought you could have a look. We’re not quite at the point where we can turn anyone away, but the workload is starting to pile up,” Adam was saying, but I wasn’t paying attention.
I could see out into the reception area from my doorway. Jeremy was there, his back to me, standing close to a woman I recognized as Sheila motherfucking Moore.
“Lena, did you hear me?”
I tore my eyes from the traitorous bastard I was in love with and gave my attention back to Adam. “Sure, no problem. Leave it with me.” I turned back to the doorway. Sheila’s hand was on Jeremy’s arm. He wasn’t pulling away.
Fucking asshole.
“Okay, well if you’re still feeling bad, you can take some time,” Adam was saying. He was suddenly beside me and I jumped.
“No, that won’t be necessary. I told you I’m fine.” I wanted him to leave so I could go and rip Jeremy’s testicles off.
Adam put his arms around me in a hug. “Take care of yourself, sis. We need you in tip-top shape around here.”
“Because I have the biggest brain,” I joked, all but pushing him out of my office.
Adam stopped before leaving. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I wish people would stop asking me that,” I snapped.
Adam held his hands up. “Sorry.”
He was gone before I could apologize for biting his head off.
Jeremy was still chatting away with Sheila, but she had at least removed her hand from his sleeve. Finally, she left, and Jeremy turned, catching sight of me standing in the doorway.
Our eyes met.
He took a step toward me.
I backed into my office.
And I shut the door.
**
I snuck out before anyone noticed I was leaving. Jeremy had been in meetings all afternoon so we hadn’t spoken. Rob was in court and Adam was on a phone call with a company out of Philadelphia looking for the possible legal retainer.
Whitney was on the phone, so I could do little more than wave as I rushed out the door.
It was almost Christmas. Normally I loved this time of year. The snow. The lights. The excitement and holiday cheer. It was the part of my childhood I never outgrew.
Yet, this year, I couldn’t enjoy it. My inner turmoil made getting into the spirit next to impossible. I hadn’t even put my tree up yet and it was the first week of December.
I went home to my empty, cold apartment feeling incredibly sorry for myself. I was nowhere closer to making a decision about the baby than I was yesterday.
This was ridiculous. I had to snap out of it. Playing woe-is-me was making the situation worse.
I turned on all the lights and started blasting Christmas music from a streaming radio station. I lit my cinnamon and clove candle and then forcing myself to keep busy, I pulled the box containing my fake tree out of the hallway closet.
I struggled to put the thing together, but a few bent branches later, it was standing in all its six-foot glory in the corner of my tiny living room. It was entirely too large for the small space, but I didn’t care.
Next came the lights, then the tinsel, finally the ornaments. My parents bought Adam and me Christmas ornaments every year since we were born. I pulled each one out carefully, laying it on the coffee table.
I imagined doing the same for my child, taking the time to carefully choose the perfect ornament every year to hang on our tree. I wondered what they’d be like. Would they have my eyes and Jeremy’s nose? Would they be into sports or more of a bookworm?
As I pulled out each memory of my childhood, my mind was filled with the possibilities for my own son or daughter. I didn’t realize I was crying until the tears started dripping from my chin.
The doorbell pulled me out of my emotional reverie. Wiping my face, I went to answer the door, expecting Hannah or Whitney.
Though I should have known it would be him.
“Hey baby, I brought some wine.” Jeremy winked as he held up two bottles of my favorite red. Seeing my face, he lowered his arms. “Did I come at a bad time?”
I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. “I’m sort of busy, Jeremy—”
“Come on, we didn’t see each other yesterday or today,” he said quickly. “Can I come in for a little bit?” He peered behind me into the living room. “You’re putting up Christmas decorations? I can help, you know.”
The thought of putting ornaments on a tree together made me feel warm inside. I felt myself softening and I started to open the door wider to let him in.
“I can’t stay long. I’m supposed to be meeting some of the guys from Nortech who just put us on retainer. The CTO got ringside tickets to a boxing match in Philly, then we’re heading to a new club that just opened. But I wanted to see you before I went.” Jeremy started to lean in to kiss me, but I backed away.
“So, you’re going out partying but you wanted to get a piece before you went?” I spat out.
Jeremy straightened. “I wouldn’t call it partying, but yeah, I’m going out. Why is that a big deal? It’s a work thing.”
“A work thing involving getting drunk and going to a club? Sure.” I pressed my lips into a thin, unyielding line and crossed my arms over my chest defensively. All fuzzy thoughts of trimming the tree and maybe snuggling on the couch together like a real couple popped like a soap bubble.
This was who Jeremy Wyatt was. It was important that I not forget that, no matter how sweet and vulnerable he seemed at times. No matter how many weekend getaways he took me on or how he made my insides melt.
“Look, Lena, I’m not sure what’s up with you, or if it’s only because you’re feeling sick, but get off my back. I thought we were on the same page after our weekend. I thought things were good. That we were moving forward—”
“Yet here you are, off to spend the night on the town like a bachelor—”
“What the hell is this? Are you seriously giving me shit for going out? Why wouldn’t I? It’s my prerogative. It’s not as if you’re giving me a reason not to.” He narrowed his eyes. “I saw your face today when Sheila came by. Are you pissed at me about that? Because I don’t know how many more times I can tell you there’s nothing going on. I’m starting to sound like a broken record.”
“Then what is it? I can’t bail this evening and honestly, I don’t want to. There’s nothing wrong with going out and having a good time. I’m not tied down with kids and responsibility, so why wouldn’t I enjoy myself? I think maybe you’ve forgotten what that’s like,” he remarked, his voice a little chilly. He had no idea how his flippant remarks stabbed right through my chest.
I’m not tied down with kids and responsibility…
Those were the words of a man not ready to be a father.
“Sick of spending all your free time with me already? Didn’t take you long,” I sneered, my heart dropping to my feet.
Jeremy let out a bark of humorless laughter. “Jesus, Marlena. This kind of ball-breaking makes a guy want to stay single.”
It felt as if he slapped me. “Well, if that’s what you want...” I started to close the door, feeling miserable, angry and wanting to cry again.
He pressed his hand into the door, stopping me from closing it. “Is this how you want to leave things? Because I think I’ve shown you how I feel. If that’s not enough, then I don’t know what else to do.”
I stared at him. Seeing him. All of him.
I loved this man. I truly did. We had made a baby together, even if he didn’t know that. But there were limits to what he could offer. I saw that as clearly as I had ever seen anything.
I wanted to tell him there was so much more he could do, but how could I explain when I couldn’t find the words I needed to say. I was a lawyer without an argument.
“Just go, Jeremy. I can’t do this.” I started to close the door again, but he prevented me.
“Marlena, I can’t keep fighting a war if I don’t know what it’s about or how I can win it.” His eyes implored—beseeched.
I thought about the little girl or boy nestled in my belly. They deserved better than this. They deserved more than two parents constantly at odds. Not trusting each other.
In a moment of startling clarity, one decision was made.
And another hung in the balance.
“I need space,” I finally said softly.
“Space,” Jeremy repeated. I nodded. He drew himself upright, handed me the wine, and without another word, he walked away.
Breaking my heart in the process.
Chapter 17
Jeremy
The next few weeks went by in a blur. The only thing I was acutely aware of was that Lena wasn’t speaking to me. In fact, she seemed to go out of her way to not interact with me at all.
She wouldn’t meet my eyes in the kitchen. She kept her head down if we happened to pass each other in the hallway. She made excuses to leave the room once I entered.
I noticed that she left work early twice. I saw her and Whitney talking quietly together as she put her coat on. She still looked too tired. I wondered if she was sleeping enough. I worried about her, though she had made it quite clear she didn’t want or need my concern.
I tried talking to her a few times after that night at her apartment when she said she needed ‘space.’ What does ‘space’ even mean? It’s a bullshit term meant to let someone down easily. If she didn’t want to see me anymore, she should just say that instead of stringing me along. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling. I had a moment of deep-felt shame at how I had treated women in the past.
Being put out to pasture by the woman you had come to love felt horrible. Because I did love her. God, did I love her. It wasn’t only her incredible good looks and our intense chemistry in the sack. It was all the other little things that made up the person she was. Her mind turned me on as much as her body. Her take no prisoners approach to her job. The way she cuddled up against my side when we watched TV. How she blew on all of her food before taking the first bite, whether it was hot or not.
And not talking to her and spending time with her was driving me crazy.
So, I attempted to speak to her once at work and twice in the parking lot as she was leaving. Neither went well.
“Please, Jeremy. I can’t right now,” was all she said, putting her head down and hurrying away like her ass was on fire.
It hurt. A lot. It seemed I was incapable of brushing it off and moving on to the next pair of nice legs like I had been able to in the past. I was sure there would be no moving on from Marlena Ducate.
Maybe I should have put more effort into finding out what was going on with her. Maybe I shouldn’t have backed off so easily. The truth was, I didn’t know what the right thing to do was. If I pushed her, I was scared she’d shut me out completely. If I gave her the space she claimed to want, I was terrified she’d build a damn wall.
So, I was stuck in a paralysis where I couldn’t move at all.
It was the Friday before Christmas and I was heading over to Sweet Lila’s. The firm had booked the back room at the popular bar for our Christmas party. The partners and Lena would attend, of course, along with Whitney, but we’d also invited other local attorneys, the court clerks, the district attorney’s office, and a few police officers we had good relationships with. It was an opportunity to let loose and to maintain community relationships. We went all out, catering food and paying for an open bar. One thing was for sure, everyone would be getting loaded.
But I wasn’t feeling it. Normally I’d love any excuse to have a good time, but with Lena and I on the outs for reasons I didn’t quite understand, I wasn’t exactly in the partying mood.
“You heading straight to Lila’s?” Rob asked as I walked by his office at the end of the day.
“I guess,” I replied with a shrug.
“What’s with you? You’ve been walking around here for weeks as someone ran over your cat,” Rob observed, taking his glasses off. He was one of those people that always appeared older when he wore glasses. When he took them off, he looked like a teenager.
“Nothing’s going on with me,” I said, realizing how defensive I sounded.
Rob’s expression never changed. “Really? I’ve known you for years, Wyatt, and the way you’ve been acting can only be described as depressed. Something’s bothering you. Is it your mom?”
“No. Mom’s fine. Well, as fine as she can be.”
Rob sat back in his chair. “Then it has to do with a certain associate that looks equally miserable.”
I tried to laugh. It sounded as if I were being strangled. “Seriously, man, I think you’re reading into things that aren’t there.”
“Am I? Because I know you like to think the two of you were being sneaky, but the pheromones you were giving off could be smelled a mile away.” Rob rubbed at the bridge of his nose. “You’re more obvious than you think.”
Shit. If Rob had picked up on it, then what about Adam?
“Adam is too focused on Meg and work to notice what’s going on right under his nose. So, no need for a coronary,” Rob assured me dryly, picking up on my unspoken panic. “But please do me a favor and don’t treat me like an idiot.”
I sighed. Long and heavy. “Look, it wasn’t supposed to be anything—”
“Let me guess, that changed,” Rob cut in.
“Yeah, I suppose so.” This was awkward. Rob and I didn’t do heart to hearts. Hell, I didn’t do heart to hearts with anyone. Except for Marlena.
“So, you’re sleeping together,” Rob surmised.
“We were,” I corrected. It was finally out there. And a part of me felt good about it.
“Look, I don’t want a play by play or anything. Frankly, I’m not interested in your sex life. It’s not my business and I sure as hell don’t want to know about it. But man, it’s Lena. She’s not some random you can mess around with and discard. You work together, which is never a good idea. It was bad enough when you were screwing around with Sheila from the DA’s office. But Jer, this is Adam’s baby sister. What the hell were you thinking?” Rob looked slightly horrified, which was as bad as full-blown hysteria from a guy like him.
&
nbsp; I ran my hands through my hair in agitation. “Thinking had very little to do with it,” I grumbled. “It doesn’t matter, Rob. It’s over. Done. She’s made it clear she’s finished with me.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t make it weird at all,” Rob muttered.
“Look,” I said, losing my patience, “I don’t want to talk about this. We were something, now we’re nothing. I won’t let this interfere with work. Why can’t people have more faith in me than that? Why does everyone jump to conclusions and think the worst? It’s not like I’m some horrible guy. Sure, my past is checkered, but people are capable of changing, you know,” I seethed. I realized I was venting and that my anger had nothing to do with Rob’s statement. I reined myself in. “Just don’t say anything to Adam, please. I don’t need that noise.”
Rob looked as if he wanted to say something more, but he thankfully bit his tongue. He simply shook his head and grabbed his coat, putting it on. “We need to head over to Sweet Lila’s. You want a lift?”
“I’ve got a few things to do here first. I’ll see you there.”
Rob clapped me on the shoulder as he passed. “You know I’m here if you want to talk about stuff—”
“I don’t,” I interrupted, but then softened. “Thanks though.”
Rob was usually unreadable. The dude had a hell of a poker face. But this time I could read him clear as day. And it was obvious he felt sorry for me.
Fucking hell, I didn’t need anyone’s sympathy.
I yelled in frustration, slamming my hand into the wall hard enough to hurt.
I felt as if I was losing myself and I wouldn’t let anyone, not even Marlena Ducate, ruin me.
I picked up my phone and sent out a quick text.
Are you going to our Christmas party?
The response wasn’t as quick as it once would have been. It took long enough for me to start questioning the intelligence of messaging her in the first place.
Sheila’s message finally came.
Heading over now. Will I see you there?
What was I doing?
A knot coiled in my belly and my chest felt tight. It felt as if I were committing a betrayal.
Say You Love Me : An Enemies to Lovers Romance Page 21