I was such a good liar.
“Still haven’t heard from Jeremy?” Kyle asked.
Now that my stomach had settled, I allowed myself to eat some of the crackers on the platter. I needed some real food in my belly stat. “He texted me before Christmas saying we needed to talk, then nothing. Jeremy Wyatt is all games and honestly, now with this going on,” I waved my hand over my belly, “I don’t have the patience for it. It’s probably in everyone’s best interest if he stays out of our lives. I don’t want a man who yo-yos in and out on a whim. If he can’t be a constant, then I don’t want him around at all.”
I noticed the stricken look on Kyle’s face and remembered he was in the same boat. I put my hand on his arm. “I’m so sorry you’re going through this too.”
Kyle put his fist in the air. “Single parents unite!” We high-fived and laughed, though it was strained. “I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I don’t understand how Josie can drop her off and decide she doesn’t want to be in our daughter’s life. She suffered from postpartum depression after the birth, so maybe there’s more going on and I hope she gets help if she needs it. But like you said, children deserve stability and if Josie can’t provide that, then it’s probably best she’s not around. I have to focus on Katie because she’s the best thing I’ve ever done, and I’d do anything for her.”
I looked into the living room where Whitney was still walking Katie around the room, swaying her body to keep the little girl calm. “I think there are a lot of people that would do anything for that beautiful baby.”
Kyle’s face softened again as he watched Whitney with his daughter. “I should get in there.”
I nodded in agreement. “Yes, you should.”
And at that moment, surrounded by my loved ones and with my baby growing inside me, I felt a stirring of strength that hadn’t been there before.
I missed Jeremy.
I missed him so much.
Because I loved him.
But if that wasn’t enough for him then I’d make it on my own.
And I would make it work.
Chapter 20
Lena
“Are you sure we can’t convince you to come out with us? The Pattersons specifically asked if you would come. You always love their parties,” Mom insisted, putting her wool coat on over her shimmery silver dress.
Dad was dressed in a tux with a white cashmere scarf draped around his neck. “The food is going to be amazing. And they’ve hired some Ariana Grande cover artist for entertainment. It should be a hoot,” he said, giving me a sympathetic smile.
I was getting really sick and tired of all the goddamn sympathy.
The idea of being alone on New Year’s Eve should have depressed me, but I had been surrounded by well-meaning family and friends for the past week and I could use a break. My morning sickness hadn’t been as bad the last couple of days, so I was making up for the lost time by pigging out on all the delicious food Mom stuffed the house with over the holidays.
“I’ve got a hot date with Mom’s shortbread cookies and Ryan Seacrest. Go have fun. Don’t worry about me,” I assured them, giving them both a hug and all but shoving them out the door.
“We’ll be home right after midnight. If you need us, we’ll have our phones with us, or you know Patterson’s number. Don’t hesitate to call.” Mom looked a little panicked and I had to stop myself from getting annoyed. She meant well after all.
“Mom, I’m not ten. I can spend the night by myself. I do plan on going back to my apartment this weekend and I live there alone. So, I promise, I’ll be just fine.” Mom hugged me again and I held on tightly, appreciating her concern, even if it was mildly suffocating.
After I closed the door, I settled on the couch and turned on a fantastically horrible Lifetime movie, ready to settle into an evening of trashy TV and equally bad snacks.
My phone buzzed only a few minutes later with a message from Hannah, followed by a message from Jenna. Both were headed into the city to a club and were trying to talk me into joining them. Jenna was bringing her new boyfriend and even though I was curious about the new man in my friend’s life, the idea of spending the night in a loud club sounded awful.
Hannah and Jenna had been suctioned to my side since the whole thing with Jeremy went down. They were the best kind of girlfriends, showing up at my parent’s with ice cream and girlie movies.
As much as I loved spending time with my friends, I barely had the energy to walk to the store and back, let alone go out. Staying up all night would likely kill me at the moment.
It was hard not to think about how much my life was going to change once the baby was here. Hell, it had turned upside down already. No more clubs. No more wild nights at the bar. No more drinking until I blacked out. I was going to be a mom and with that came a level of responsibility that I am sometimes worried I wasn't ready for but ready or not, I had made the decision to have this kiddo, so I had to learn to be up to the task.
I pulled the fuzzy throw blanket over me and snuggled down on the couch, ready for a low-key night when the doorbell rang.
I checked the time on my phone and saw that it was a little after eight. Thinking it was one of my parents that forgot something, I answered the door with a smile on my face, ready to give them a hard time.
“Hi, Marlena.”
My smile dropped instantly, followed by the overwhelming urge to punch something. “What are you doing here?” I demanded.
“Can I come in?” Jeremy asked, his hands shoved into his pockets, the snow got his dark hair wet.
“Fuck no you can’t come in,” I snarled. “You can turn around and crawl back into the hole you came out of.”
He looked good. Better than good. He looked like sex on a stick. He was wearing worn, dark jeans and a fitted blue sweater the same color as his eyes. His puffy winter coat was unzipped, and a plaid scarf dangled around his neck. But I noticed there were dark circles beneath his eyes as if he hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in a while. Good. I hoped he’d been sleeping like crap.
“I know I should have come sooner—” he started to say, but I wouldn’t let him complete the sentence.
“Actually, you should have stayed away. For good.” I started to close the door, but he held it open, his arm braced above my head. I backed up, putting distance between us. Unfortunately, my body responded to him the way it always did; I felt a stirring between my legs. My vagina was a traitorous bitch.
“You know I couldn’t stay away. Not from you. Not from—” his eyes lingered on my stomach and I found myself covering it protectively with my hand. “I couldn’t stay away, and you know why.”
I curled my lip in disgust. “You can’t even say it, can you? The baby. You couldn’t stay away because of the baby.” I shook my head. “The fact that your mouth won’t even form the word should be a clear sign that you shouldn’t be here at all.”
The words sounded strong, but I felt anything but. I wanted to curl into a ball and cry all over again. I wanted to hate him with every fiber of my being. But the reality was I couldn’t. I loved him. I loved him so damn much, in spite of his behavior.
What sort of pathetic woman did that make me?
But I would never give in to those emotions. I couldn’t. I could no longer only think about myself. There was a baby inside me that needed me to think with my head and not my heart.
He started to reach out for me, then stopped himself, his fingers curled into a fist. He put his hand back in his pocket and I felt the absence of his touch like physical pain.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been here. There’s nothing I can say or do to make up for the fact that when you needed me, I wasn’t around. I was too busy dealing with my own shit to be there for you. And I can never make that right,” he said, his head hanging.
“I didn’t need you, Jeremy. Don’t flatter yourself,” I spat out. I was being juvenile, but there was something about this man that brought the ridiculous out of me.
Jeremy
’s eyes lifted to meet mine and I felt his gaze all the way to my toes. “I know you don’t. That’s one of the thousands of things I love about you.”
That four-letter word dropped like an explosive between us.
“Don’t you dare do that,” I breathed, walking out onto the porch, not caring that it was freezing and snowing, and I was only wearing a thin cotton shirt, pajama pants, and slippers. “Don’t you fucking dare.”
Jeremy backed up an inch as if anticipating a violent reaction. “Don’t I dare what? I’m just telling you the truth. I love so many things about you. And I know you don’t need me. You’re an intelligent, capable, kick-ass woman that doesn’t need a man to take care of her. But, Marlena, I want to take care of you. I want to take care of both of you. You and the baby.”
I started laughing. I sounded slightly hysterical, but I couldn't stop myself. “But are you sure the baby is even yours? You seemed skeptical before.” Then I wasn’t laughing anymore.
Jeremy briefly closed his eyes and looked ashamed. “I wish I hadn’t said that. I didn’t mean it. Not for one second did I think that you had been with anyone else. But, Lena, I was in shock. Words—stupid words, I admit—sort of fell out of my mouth. It’s not an excuse, but an explanation.”
I crossed my arms over my chest, finally feeling the bitter cold. The snow was coming down heavily. I watched it pile up on the porch railing. “I’ve known you for a long time, Jeremy, and I’ve never known words to fall out of your mouth. You’re too smart to speak without thinking.”
“Except when it comes to you, it seems. I can’t think clearly around you at all,” he rushed on. This time he allowed himself to take me by the arms. “I’m not making much of a case for myself here, but I’ve been fucking miserable without you, Marlena. So fucking miserable. I knew I’d messed everything up. I knew you probably hated me, and that tore me up inside. I’m dying here, baby because I can’t imagine a life without you in it. I want to build something with you. For you. And our child.”
I pulled out of his grasp. “Words are cheap, Wyatt. And you may talk a good game, but it doesn’t change that I can’t trust you.”
And there we were. We would always come back around to this one fundamental reality.
Trust.
“I started to let my guard down and believe that you weren’t what I always thought you were,” I began, starting to shiver from the cold. “I saw something in you that made me think ‘this guy is the one.’ I honestly thought that we could be together. For real. That there were true feelings involved. But the second things got rough, you hightailed it out of here.” I didn’t realize I was crying until my cheeks began to sting.
Jeremy tried to wipe them away, but I pushed at his hands. “Don’t touch me. Don’t think you can come over here with some Oscar-worthy speech and it’s all going to be hunky-dory. Because it comes down to the fact that there’s a baby now. And I’ve decided to keep it. Now what that means for you is neither here nor there. I don’t expect anything from you. Not now, not ever.”
“You’re right,” he said softly.
I paused. “Okay?”
Jeremy ran a hand through his hair, sticking it up on end. “I planned to be here, on this porch step the next day. After I wallowed a bit and came to terms with what you announced at the Christmas party, I realized that my feelings were inconsequential. That this was about you and our child. And that baby deserves the best in this world. From you and from me. And I want to be a father to him or her. I’m going to be there for them. And for you. The two of you are my entire world.”
My teeth were starting to chatter. Jeremy, realizing I was freezing, immediately took off his coat and wrapped it around my shoulders. I should have thrown it back at him, but I was cold, so I didn’t. “Okay, you had this dawning realization and then you what? Where were you then? Because you definitely weren’t here.”
Jeremy’s eyes were glassy, and I tried not to be swayed by the emotion evident in his beautiful face. “I got shaved and showered and was heading to your place when I got a call from my mom.” He looked for a moment like a lost little boy and I imagined this was what he looked like as a child. “You remember what I told you about my parents and my dad and how he’d leave her and come back over and over again, just to keep her dependent on him?”
I nodded. Remembering with aching clarity how he opened himself to me, revealing the wounded parts.
“Well, my mom kicked my dad out. She actually did it. She’s been seeing a counselor and finally got the courage to do what I have been wanting her to do for years.” His smile was so happy, I couldn’t help but melt a little.
“That’s wonderful, Jeremy. I’m so glad to hear that,” I found myself saying.
“She asked me to come home for Christmas.” His joy was evident. “I can’t remember the last time I actually enjoyed the holidays. Mom and I spent so much time together, catching up. I helped her change the locks and fill out paperwork for a restraining order. Not your typical Christmas traditions, but they made both of us feel pretty damn good.”
“Did you see your dad at all?” I asked him.
“Only once.” His face clouded over. “I went to the store to pick up some stuff for Christmas dinner and he was in the booze aisle, of course. Already three sheets to the wind.” His mouth twisted with rage. “He never acknowledged me. Not even when I said his name. He looked at me as if he didn’t know me.” Even though he clearly detested his father, I could still see the hurt there.
“Jeremy…”
“It’s okay. Really. I don’t want that man in my life. He’s been dead to me for years.” He smiled again, even as tears started to drip down his face. “And I knew then that I would never be the kind of father that my child would grow to hate. That even though I’m scared out of my mind that I’ll screw everything up, I’ll love this baby with everything I have. That I will make up for all the shit in my own childhood and make sure she or he never doubts that I love them.”
I let out a sob and pressed my fist to my mouth, squeezing my eyes shut. I wanted to believe him. So, so much.
“I tried to call you. On Christmas Eve and when you hung up, I thought that was it. That you were making it clear you didn’t want me in your life—”
“I didn’t know it was you!” I protested. “I only heard static.”
Jeremy shook his head. “I thought you hung up on me.”
“And I thought you never bothered to call,” I whispered.
We stared at each other for one heartbeat. Two heartbeats. Three.
Then his arms were around me. “Marlena, I can’t take back those horrible minutes after you told me you were pregnant. I can’t change how badly I reacted. All I can say is that I want this. With you. I want a family. I want Christmases and birthdays. I want all the messy along with all the joy. I want every single second of it. And even if you decide you want to do this on your own and there’s no chance for the two of us, I will stand by you and support you and be there every step of the way. I’m taking my lead from you.”
He pressed his lips to my forehead. “I love you, Marlena Ducate. I’ve loved you from that first moment when you looked up at me with those big eyes of yours ready to spit fire and told me your name was Lena, not Marlena.” We both laughed at that. “I fell hard for you, Lena. And I’ve been falling for you more and more every single day after that. I can’t pretend I’ll be good at this, that I won’t screw up, because we both know I’d be lying.” I snorted because he was right. “But I’m in this. One hundred percent. And you don’t have to worry about me straying or deciding that this isn’t enough for me.” He pulled away so he could look me in the eyes. And what I saw there wasn’t doubt and worry he was making a mistake. It was complete and total commitment. And a love that took my breath away.
“This is everything I’ve always wanted and never knew I needed, Marlena. And I will spend the rest of my life proving that I’m worthy of your love and our child’s love.” He gently rested his palm on my
belly and held it there. “This baby will be the absolute best of you and the best of me. And I love it already. More than I ever thought possible to love someone. You taught me that, Lena. You reminded me that I had a heart.”
Okay, how was I not supposed to completely melt at that? I wasn’t made of stone, damn it.
“Jesus, Jeremy. You sure know how to come at a gal with guns blazing.” I sniffed, wiping at my nose.
Jeremy ran his thumbs along my cheeks. “You’re so cold, baby. Let’s get you inside and warm you up.” He paused. “That is if you want me to. I’d understand if you asked me to leave. But I’m warning you that if you do, I’ll be back here tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after—”
“Shut up and come inside.” I pulled him by the hand and led him into my parent’s foyer.
I started straightening up the cushions on the couch and cleaning up the nest I had made. “As you can see, I was having a rockin’ New Years’ Eve.”
Jeremy pulled me into his arms. “How about we make it a whole lot better?” he murmured.
But before he could kiss me, he stopped and gazed into my eyes, cupping the side of my face. “I need you to know this has never been just about sex for me. We just so happen to have great sex and we’ll continue having great sex. But I don’t want you thinking that I’m only over here for one thing—”
“Well, that’s disappointing,” I pouted and then pulled his face to mine, capturing his mouth.
He groaned deep in the back of his throat, his hands clasping my ass cheeks and hoisting me up so that I had to wrap my legs around his waist. “I’ve missed you so fucking much, Marlena. Tell me you missed me too,” he demanded.
He sucked on the sensitive skin below my ear, making me gasp. “I missed you too,” I sighed as he kissed a line along the curve of my jaw back to my lips. “My room is at the top of the stairs,” I told him.
“I can’t bend you over the chair?” he laughed.
Say You Love Me : An Enemies to Lovers Romance Page 25