Not long after we disentangle our bodies, she smiles at me from her spot stretched out on the couch. Enjoining the leftover sensations from our fuck, I relax in the recliner and keep watch.
I should sleep. The house is quiet. No one is showing up here at four in the morning. But I don’t want to numb myself with sleep.
I’ve felt dead inside for years, maybe even longer than I can remember. Living at the safe house was meant to be temporary. I thought time in the quiet would offer me peace after years of spiraling in a dark, violent world. Leaving Los Angeles was my ticket to a fresh start.
Except I didn’t change. I just disappeared, and the world never noticed. I mattered to no one, and no one mattered to me.
Nilsson and DeMarco could be alive somewhere, having walked away from the safe house. I don’t know their fates with any certainty. I never considered leaving. I just kept getting up and doing the same things. One day, I would die. I thought yesterday was finally the end.
But I keep going. Not out of fear of death. No, I need another day with this woman despite not trusting her or her brother and his new family. I have no doubt they’ll cut me loose as soon as they get to an airport.
Of course, I’m used to being left behind. First by my father. Then by my mother. Next by Priscilla. Then by the men at the safe house. And soon by Neri James.
But when she watches me with her sleepy catlike eyes, I’m completely on board with killing and dying for her.
In my life, I’ve done worse for much less.
≫FOUR SPENT SHELLS≪
KAI
A few hours after dawn, I stir to find Anika staring at me with her big brown eyes. She holds Duck in her arms and Doll in her hand. Her eyes widen when she realizes I’m awake. I smile at her, and she smiles back. There’s trust in her gaze that I haven’t seen before. Children adapt so quickly, especially bright ones like Anika.
Behind her, Sunny still dozes. I hope she’ll wake with a smile on her face. For a few seconds, I get my wish. Then she remembers where we are, and her smile disappears. This place feels wrong, offering less comfort than Cobain’s safe house and the hotel.
Downstairs, I tiptoe by Cobain asleep in a chair. Neri sits in the kitchen, reading and drinking coffee.
“One hour,” she whispers while I round up food and drinks for my girls upstairs.
I don’t understand what Neri means until she pats her head. Giving her a smile, I know it’s too late to free myself from our plan. Besides, I’ll shave my head bald if it’ll help us get to an airport easier.
After breakfast, I return to find Cobain awake, and my sister ready to play beautician in the kitchen.
“This ought to be fun,” the big man grumbles and returns to the living room.
Next to his chair, the dog watches the hallway where the other animal occasionally barks.
While I expect Neri to experience great enjoyment from bleaching my hair, I’m startled by Anika’s reaction. The child watches from the kitchen doorway, curious at first. She doesn’t understand what’s happening or why I take off my shirt. Once Neri molds my bleach-covered hair into a silly shape, the little girl descends into uncontrollable giggles. She literally rolls on the floor with laughter as Neri covers my head with a plastic grocery bag.
“You broke her,” Cobain mutters from his spot in the recliner.
Sunny sits next to her hysterical daughter and giggles behind her hand. Until Anika’s wild laughter, my woman remained overly quiet. First, depressed, and then clearly flustered by the sight of me shirtless. I noticed the shame in Sunny’s eyes when Neri caught her looking at me. She’s seen how much Neri flirts with Cobain. Yet Sunny still believes lust is an emotion that should be hidden.
Still, she’s instantly amused by Anika’s laughter and the sight of my head covered.
“I can’t imagine how wild you’ll look when it grows out,” Neri says, sitting at the table and taking a hundred pictures of me.
To distract her from playing photographer, I ask, “Did you sleep well on the couch?”
“Not really.”
“Will you be ready to travel this afternoon?”
“Do I have a choice?”
“Staying here another night isn’t an option.”
Neri glances at Sunny and Anika. Switching to Spanish, she says, “Papa warned me that the people at the Arizona Moving Company safe house aren’t trustworthy. He said we should continue in that direction while he finds someone to help us.”
Neri’s worry lingers. We might be safer stopping at hotels along the way. One person checking in, one person going for food. We can pretend to be tourists, avoiding attention as we travel from one hotel to another until we reach an airport.
“It’s time,” Neri announces dramatically after forty minutes of waiting.
Sunny plays with her daughter on the floor, but her gaze keeps searching for mine. She’s smart enough to realize how Neri and I speak in Spanish when we want to protect her from any ugly details.
“I’ll be back,” I announce before walking upstairs to shower.
Twenty minutes later, Neri again turns shutterbug while Anika stands on the couch next to me and plays with my damp hair.
“Why did mine come out so much lighter?” I ask my tickled sister.
“You must take after Mama.”
“I’m not sure that’s how it works.”
Cobain sits nearby, mildly amused. “Did you ever see that movie ‘Blue Lagoon’?”
Neri instantly searches for information and then laughs. “My lovely brother.”
Sunny stands awkwardly nearby. I see her lost in her head again. She doesn’t think of joining Anika and me on the couch. Or worse, she doesn’t believe she deserves to join us.
Even when I gesture for her, Sunny hesitates. The attack on the safe house destroyed her new confidence. Our survival must feel like a cruel joke, considering she believes we can’t defeat the cult.
“Sunny, come sit on the floor in front of me.”
The expression on her face hurts my heart. Anika must recognize it too because she stops playing and sits down as if scolded.
“Mama has a new haircut,” I tell Anika. “You have a new haircut,” I add while rubbing the child’s head. “Neri has a new hair color. Now I do too. We just need to fix Cobain’s hair.”
Anika sneaks a glance at the big man who frowns. “No one is cutting my hair.”
“He’s scared,” I whisper to Anika.
A little smile warms her face, but she knows her mother is afraid. As long as Sunny wears that shamed expression, Anika can’t relax.
“Come, Sunny,” I say, gesturing in front of me.
Though I don’t use a harsh tone, she spent too many years submitting for her to tell me no. She shuffles closer, fearful of what I can’t even imagine.
Sitting down on the ground, she lowers her head. Neri and Cobain don’t help by watching us.
I rest my legs on each side of her and lean forward. Sunny flinches when my fingers touch her shoulders.
“Relax,” I whisper against her ear. “I love you.”
Sunny shivers, and my breath hitches. She’s closer to breaking down than I assumed. It’s the cult’s programming. They taught her to hide her feelings, pretend they weren’t happening. But her fear and shame don’t disappear just because she isn’t telegraphing them.
Possibly, a massage isn’t what she needs, but we’ll be on the road in a few hours, and I can’t focus when she’s on edge.
My fingers stroke her scalp before sliding down to her neck and shoulders. I’m unable to see her reaction, and she remains rigid under my touch. Anika joins her mom on the floor, takes one look at Sunny’s expression, and instantly starts crying.
“Here we go,” Cobain mutters and stands up. “I’ll go check the house’s armory for anything we can use.”
Neri gives me a sympathetic look. She wants to know if I need help, but I gesture for her to go with Cobain. Once they’ve left the room, I scoop up Sunny and the
n Anika. The child’s tears stem from confusion. She doesn’t understand why her mother is crying, but she assumes something bad happened.
“Why do you cry?” I ask Sunny, who stares at her hands.
“I’m bad. As long as you keep me with you, you’ll never get home.”
“I don’t want to go home if I can’t take you with me.”
“You could save Anika.”
“She needs you, Sunny.”
“She will forget me like I forgot my mom.”
“But you know how much you suffered when you lost your mother. Can you do that to Anika?”
Hearing her name, the child cries louder. She wants comfort, and her mother won’t offer it. Sitting limply in my arms, Sunny waits for her life to end or for me to leave her behind.
I don’t panic despite the child’s loud sobs and Sunny’s silent ones. Mama got lost in her head so many times when I was little. My fear couldn’t help her. Only my serenity brought her out of the darkness.
I reach over to find my phone and locate a relaxation video of ocean waves splashing on a beach. Anika immediately quiets. She adjusts on my lap to watch the video. Sunny doesn’t look at it. Her gaze is on her hands, so I pick them up and kiss each one.
“You have to try, Sunny,” I whisper as I lift her chin to force her gaze to meet mine. “Don’t you want to see the beach and live with me far from here?”
Whimpering, she struggles to say the words. “We can’t get there. They won’t let us.”
“Well, if you’re right, and we will never get to see our home in Nicaragua, shouldn’t we, at least, enjoy every moment we have now?”
Something instantly changes in Sunny’s eyes when I ask my question. “We only have a little time left,” she says, already calmer.
“Today, we’ll drive for a long time again. Instead of thinking about how boring it is, you could find fun activities. Play games or watch movies. You missed a lot of things when you were at the compound. Now you can make up for that and help Anika enjoy herself too. Then we’ll stop at a motel. Instead of thinking about how you’re scared, you can enjoy a different bed. Whenever you feel scared, think about my silly hair and find your smile.”
Sunny does grin at my words. “I really liked watching ‘Frozen’ last night. I think they made another one of them.”
“That’s right. If Nicaragua feels too far away, focus on what new fun thing you can do today.”
Tears over, Sunny smiles at Anika, who wants her mother to acknowledge the ocean video. Once she mentions the water is beautiful, the child officially settles down. I hope Sunny can see how much her daughter needs her. Though I doubt she’ll ever understand how much I need her too.
Or maybe she does because she reaches up and runs her fingers through my hair while holding my gaze. Is she reassuring me that I’m still attractive even with my blond waves? Whether Sunny knows it or not, I’m nothing without her, and leaving her behind will never be an option.
NERI
Sunny falling apart doesn’t particularly surprise me. Mama had a meltdown during our last trip to visit friends. Taking a fragile person out of their comfort zone is always dangerous. I’m sure Kai will easily calm Sunny. He works magic on our mother.
I’ve been known to soothe my beast of a father when he’s in an especially beastly mood. However, Cobain is not Papa.
“I hope I never need to cry around you,” I mutter after following him inside the safe house’s small armory.
“You and me both, James.”
“Why do you get so agitated around them?”
“I can’t stand crying,” he says with his back to me.
“Does that mean if I convince you to fall in love with me that we can’t have children?”
Knowing my question will set off Cobain, I’m not disappointed. He swings around to glare at me. With his dark eyes raging and his mouth drawn in a grim line, he spits out, “Have you lost your fucking mind?”
“No,” I say, smiling triumphantly. “What kind of mercenary leaves his instruction manual for just anyone to read?”
Unable to switch gears, he remains angry. “You’re a child.”
“Compared to you, yes, I am. I’m also emotionally healthy. That must sting the worst.”
“You think you’re healthy?” he growls, chuckling without humor. “You handed out your virginity to a killer you just met.”
“Yes, but I knew what I wanted, and that life doesn’t allow hesitation.”
“No, you spread your legs to enslave me. That way, I’ll kill and die for you.”
Smiling wider, I pat his chest. “You put too much meaning into simple lust, Cobain. I like big strong men like my father. You are big and strong. Very handsome too. I liked how you challenged me, but also that you didn’t push too hard. I saw my chance at a great fuck with a sexy man. Enslaving you never entered my mind.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Don’t blame me if you’ve found yourself enslaved. I only wanted your body. I never considered anything more long-term.”
Cobain stares at me in the poorly lit room. I can’t read his expression now. Is he disappointed that I have no interest in owning him? Or he is rethinking his plan to survive?
“We need a different configuration in the cars,” he says, switching topics to one he can better control. “A man and woman in one vehicle and a man, woman, and child in the other would draw less attention.”
I know Cobain wants my company in his SUV, and I’d love to spend time with him. We could talk like we did back at his safe house. I want to know more about him, even if I have to listen to random stories about strangers.
Despite my feelings, I say, “I won’t leave my brother.”
“And you can ditch me easier this way.”
“Why would I ditch my slave?” I say, laughing at his expression. “You were alone for too long, Cobain. It’s messed with your pretty head.”
Slamming his hand on the work table, he erases the space between us and growls, “I want to fuck you.”
“After a tiny compliment, you beg to get naked. So predictable,” I tease while tugging at his belt. “I’ll shut the door.”
So much time alone has left Cobain a greedy lover. The first fuck is quick, hard, and he barely remembers to kiss me. The second one is where he settles down enough to remember I exist beyond the hot spot between my legs.
Unfortunately for us, there’s no time for a leisurely follow-up round.
We should pack up and eat a final meal before burning this house down and returning to the road.
Oh, and we still need to find a way to get that insane dog out of the bathroom without it eating one of us.
SUNNY
Anika doesn’t want to get back in the SUV. Driving makes her stomach hurt, and she gets bored. A smiling Kai, though, kneels down and asks her to get inside. She can’t tell him no, and she doesn’t complain.
The dog in the bathroom isn’t as obedient. As the setting sun creates a pretty, golden shine on the house, I sit in the SUV with Anika and Neri.
Listening on a walkie-talkie radio, I hear the men prepare to release the dog and set fire to the house. Earlier, Kai and Cobain blocked off the dog’s other exits by closing doors and moving furniture. Now they need to lure the dog out the back door.
When they open the bathroom door, the angry animal apparently chooses to chase Cobain rather than escape through the back hallway. I hear the big man yell, “Fucking cocksucker!”
A loud bang from inside the house startles me, but Neri explains, “Flash grenade. Cobain always forgets to announce his movements. Such bad teamwork.”
Inside the house, Kai calmly states, “Fire extinguisher,” and then we hear a spraying noise. “Dog’s outside. Might be coming around the side, Neri.”
All morning, I wondered about the animal barking in the bathroom. Now the large dog races toward the cars.
“Mama,” Anika whimpers, clutching her bag as the animal runs straight at our SUV. “Mama, run.”
“No, we have to wait for Kai,” I mumble as the furious dog slams against our door.
From the passenger seat of the Yukon, Robin barks and draws the angry dog’s attention. I flinch and hold Anika tighter while the safe house dog throws itself at the other SUV.
I don’t know what Neri says in Spanish, but I think it must be a curse word. Then she switches to English to grumble, “I’m close to shooting the damn thing.”
“Mama, submit,” Anika says, crying as the dog attacks the other SUV.
“Flash grenade,” Neri announces on the radio while rolling down her window enough to throw the object toward the animal.
I cover Anika’s ears as the grenade goes off. Robin flinches and backs away from the window. The other dog is startled enough to run off into the woods.
“We’re clear up front,” Neri announces over the radio. “But I don’t know for how long.”
Kai appears first and slides into the passenger seat of our Suburban. Cobain hurries out the front door and gets in the Yukon. As we drive away from the house, I notice smoke seeping from its windows and front door.
“Don’t cry, sweet Anika,” Kai says, leaning back where she sniffles. “The angry doggy will find a new family. Or he’ll live in the woods and make animal friends.”
I smile at how he lies in the most comforting way. Much like how he paints the story of his beach house in Playa Cielo. I can imagine a place I don’t believe I’ll ever know for real.
“Was that dog scary?” he asks Anika.
Loving when he talks to her, she immediately perks up because she gets to say words. “Eat Robin.”
“That dog was just angry because we put him in a bathroom. Now he can play outside and be happy. Robin is fine. He’s back there with Cobain.”
Anika crawls out of my lap so she can look back at where Kai is pointing.
“Wave at Cobain,” Neri says, snickering.
Anika and I wave at Cobain, but he doesn’t wave back. I wonder if he can see us through the dark windows.
Shellshock (Spent Shells, #2) Page 5