A delightfully entertaining, deeply poignant debut novel about a humanlike bot, whose emotional awakening leads him on an unforgettable quest for connection
Jared works as a dentist in small-town Michigan. His life is totally normal, except for one thing. He is a bot engineered to look and act like a real person.
One day at a screening of a classic movie, Jared feels a strange sensation around his eyes. Everyone knows that bots can’t feel emotions, but as the theater lights come on, Jared is almost certain he’s crying. Jared, it turns out, can feel.
Overcome with unfamiliar emotions, and facing an imminent reset, Jared skips town and heads west, determined to forge real connections. He yearns to find his “mother,” the scientist who created him. He dreams of writing a screenplay that will change the world. And he might even fall in love. But a bot with feelings is a dangerous proposition, and Jared’s new life could come to an end before it truly begins.
Delectably entertaining and deceptively moving, Set My Heart to Five is a profound exploration of what makes us human and is a love letter to outsiders everywhere.
Praise for Set My Heart to Five
“Set My Heart to Five is one of the most original, funny, and heartwarming stories I’ve read in years. This novel has it all—humor, insight, social commentary, romance, Hollywood, the end of society as we know it, old movies, and classic cars. Jared may be a bot, but he feels emotions more acutely than most humans. I loved following him through the pages of this clever and poignant novel. Set My Heart to Five will set your heart well past that. It certainly did mine.”
—Amy Meyerson, bestselling author of The Bookshop of Yesterdays
“A funny, original, thought-provoking debut... It’s wistful and sharp, particularly on what it really means to live.”
—Daily Mail (UK)
“Both whimsical and lyrical, Set My Heart to Five is an astounding examination of the human condition and all the things that make it up: curiosity, duty, art, dreams, and—of course—love. It is, much like its hero Jared, made up of both laughter and tears, and one of the most unique books ever crafted.”
—Mike Chen, author of A Beginning at the End
“Set My Heart to Five is about as funny as any book I can remember reading, but it’s also so much more than that: a manifesto for those of us who’ve always felt a little different, and a meditation on the profound connections that make us human. Stephenson’s voice is hilarious, truthful, and wholly unique. I promise that you’ll fall in love with Jared from his first, enthusiastic ‘Hi!’ and that you’ll never want to let him go.”
—Grant Ginder, author of The People We Hate at the Wedding and Honestly, We Meant Well
Also by Simon Stephenson
Let Not the Waves of the Sea
Set My Heart to Five
A Novel
Simon Stephenson
Contents
EXT. CRISSY FIELD — SAN FRANCISCO — EVENING — 2054
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
INT. JARED’S BEDROOM — PLEASANT OAKS — NIGHT
CHAPTER 4
INT. WAITING ROOM — BUREAU OF ROBOTICS — EVENING
CHAPTER 5
INT. DR GLUNDENSTEIN’S CLINIC ROOM — DAY
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
CHAPTER 8
EXT. BUS STOP — YPSILANTI — EVENING — MONTAGE
CHAPTER 9
CHAPTER 10
CHAPTER 11
CHAPTER 12
CHAPTER 13
INT. CHURCH — YPSILANTI — DAY — JARED’S FANTASY
CHAPTER 14
CHAPTER 15
CHAPTER 16
CHAPTER 17
CHAPTER 18
INT. TICKET OFFICE — CHICAGO UNION STATION — NIGHT
CHAPTER 19
INT. OFFICE — BUREAU OF ROBOTICS — DAY
CHAPTER 20
INT. OBSERVATION CAR — TRAVELING THROUGH KANSAS — DAY
CHAPTER 21
INT. PANDA ENCLOSURE — SHENGDU ZOO, NEVADA — DAY
CHAPTER 22
INT. CASINO BAR — LAS VEGAS — NIGHT
CHAPTER 23
INT. CASINO BAR — LAS VEGAS — NIGHT — MONTAGE
CHAPTER 24
EXT. BARN — OUTSIDE — LAS VEGAS — NIGHT
CHAPTER 25
CHAPTER 26
CHAPTER 27
CHAPTER 28
CHAPTER 29
EXT. ECHO PARK AVENUE — EVENING
CHAPTER 30
CHAPTER 31
CHAPTER 32
CHAPTER 33
EXT. MOONLIGHT STROLL — GRIFFITH PARK — NIGHT
CHAPTER 34
CHAPTER 35
CHAPTER 36
CHAPTER 37
INT. MILDRED’S DINER — TWENTYNINE PALMS — DAY
CHAPTER 38
INT. ROOM 13 — JOSHUA TREE INN — NIGHT
CHAPTER 39
CHAPTER 40
CHAPTER 41
EXT. COUNTRY CLUB — DAY — MONTAGE
CHAPTER 42
CHAPTER 43
CHAPTER 44
CHAPTER 45
CHAPTER 46
CHAPTER 47
CHAPTER 48
INT. KITCHEN — GORDITO’S RESTAURANT — DAY
CHAPTER 49
INT. COMMISSARY — STUDIO LOT — BURBANK — DAY
CHAPTER 50
EXT. SOUNDSTAGE — STUDIO LOT — BURBANK — DAY
CHAPTER 51
CHAPTER 52
INT. ALFONSO’S BARBER SHOP — DAY
CHAPTER 53
EXT. ALLEY OUTSIDE ALFONSO’S — DAY
CHAPTER 54
CHAPTER 55
CHAPTER 56
CHAPTER 57
INT. TEAHOUSE — GOLDEN GATE PARK — DAY
CHAPTER 58
INT. STORE FOR NOSTALGICS — SAN FRANCISCO — DAY
CHAPTER 59
EXT. CRISSY FIELD — SAN FRANCISCO — EVENING — 2054
Open tight on JARED (40s).
We cannot see what Jared is looking at, but the expression on his face is beatific.
Pull back to reveal that he is standing on Crissy Field on a spring evening in 2054.
PEOPLE stroll on the sidewalks, JOGGERS do laps, and DRIVERLESS UBERS cruise up Marina Drive at a regulation 17mph.
Down on the beach, COLLEGE KIDS are playing ELECTRO-FRISBEE, CHILDREN are flying DRONE KITES, and DOGS are running in and out of the water.
SAILBOATS and AUTOMATIC FREIGHTER BOATS traverse the emerald-green waters of the bay.
Beyond those, ALCATRAZ ISLAND and its RUINED PRISON are visible.
Further back still are the LUSCIOUS GREEN HILLS OF MARIN.
But Jared is not looking at any of these things.
He is looking at the GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE.
As he stares at it, something seems to change inside him.
Jared sets off walking towards the Golden Gate Bridge.
Hi!
My name is Jared.
I am sincerely pleased to meet you.
Also, I am a bot!
Unless you have been living under a rock in North Korea or New Zealand—Ha!—you of course know what a bot is.
Nonetheless, I am programmed to relay the following dialogue to each new human I encounter:
Please do not be fooled by my human-like appearance.
> I am a mere bot!
I do not have feelings or anything else that might be misconstrued as a ‘soul’.
Instead, I have been programmed to a high level of proficiency in dentistry!
Should you have any concerns, please immediately report me to the Bureau of Robotics.
But humans rarely find this information calming.
Instead, they see a fellow human standing in front of them claiming that he is not a human.
This bamboozles them!
It often bamboozles them so profoundly that they exclaim, ‘But you look so human!’
I then patiently explain to them what they anyway already know: that my body looks human because it is indeed a human body. It is engineered from DNA and constructed of cells the exact same way their own body is. It has the same basic needs—food, water, oxygen, regular exercise—and it can be injured or killed in all the same comically outlandish ways any other human body can.
Yet I am definitely not human!
Because the precious thing that sets humans apart is their feelings.
And as a bot I am specifically designed and programmed to be incapable of feelings.
I can no more feel than a toaster!
Ha!
BTW that is a hilarious joke because the programming language I run on was in fact first developed many years ago for use in the domestic toaster.
Here is something curious I have observed about humans: informing them I am incapable of feeling often makes them feel sad. I suspect they believe they are being empathetic, but in fact they are being paradoxical. After all, feeling sad in response to someone telling you they lack feelings is like running a marathon in response to somebody telling you they lack legs.
Truly, if I lacked legs and somebody ran a marathon on my behalf I would not consider them empathetic.
I would consider them confused!
Nonetheless, it makes them sad, and making humans sad goes against my core programming. If ever I accidentally render a human sad in this way, I therefore quickly employ self-deprecating humor to amend the situation with reassuring levity.
So I tell the human they can think of me as a microwave oven with feet!
A mobile telephone with arms!
A toaster with a heart!
BTW I mean a heart in the sense of a mechanical pump, not a bucket of feelings.
The hearts of us bots are only ever mechanical pumps.
And they certainly do not contain anything as precious as a human ‘heart of hearts’!
Humans are only sad about our lack of feelings because they do not comprehend all the incredible advantages this gives us. To start with just one important example, a bot’s self-preservation instincts are based not on a human-type delusion that we are irreplaceable, but calculated on a rational cost-benefit analysis. It is hardly a coincidence that many bots have already made heroic and self-sacrificing contributions in fields as varied as nuclear firefighting, bomb disposal, and NFL football-playing!
My own vocation of dentistry is also ideal work for a bot.
But this is not because we are expendable.
After all, dentistry is rarely fatal.
At least, it is not fatal for the dentist!
Ha!
No, the primary reason bots make such excellent dentists is our complete inability to feel empathy. An empathic dentist—by which I mean a human dentist—could easily become distracted by inappropriate fear, criticism, or even mere crying from a patient. A bot is immune to all of these things and will get the job done every time. Even when it comes to wisdom teeth removal!
Of course, the other reason why dentistry is ideal work for bots is that no human wants to do it anymore. Humans prefer jobs that are creative, social, clean, luxurious, and can be completed from a home office between breakfast and lunch. They strongly dislike jobs which involve an actual office, weekend work, children, blood, screaming, and the mouths of strangers. Therefore when the laws reserving jobs for humans were being passed, nobody spoke up for dentistry.
Especially not the dentists!
Ha!
My dental practice was in the township of Ypsilanti, in the Great State of Michigan.
That made me a Michigander.
Ha!
Humans from Michigan believe ‘Michigander’ to be a hilarious portmanteau word. They are wrong. A portmanteau combines two words to signify a third thing composed of those constituent parts. ‘Michigander’ would therefore be an excellent portmanteau to describe a male goose from Michigan. But it is an inappropriate term for any human, regardless of their gender or where they come from.
Another collective delusion Michiganders share is a curious belief that the outline of their state resembles a human hand. Consider these contrasting data points:
/Michigan is 250 miles wide vs A human hand is approximately 4 inches wide.
/A human hand has a thumb and 4 fingers vs Michigan has Detroit and over 10,000 lakes.
/Michigan was the 32nd state inducted into the Union vs A human hand has never been inducted into the Union.
By any reasonable interpretation of this data, Michigan does not resemble a human hand. Nonetheless, anytime Michiganders
wish to demonstrate where a particular place is located in their state, they will invariably hold up their hand and point to a
spot on it.
Therefore imagine that I am holding my right hand towards you and pointing to a spot at the base of my thumb. If you were an orthopedic surgeon you would know that place as ‘the anatomical snuffbox’, a notoriously poorly designed part of the human body. If you were a Michigander, you would know that place as ‘Ypsilanti’.
Despite its unfortunate geography, Ypsilanti is a pretty town with a great amount to offer. It is best known as being the home of Eastern Michigan University and its terrible football team, the EMU Eagles. Ypsilaganders nonetheless frequently express civic pride by shouting ‘Go Eagles!’. They even paradoxically shout this in the off season, when the only place the team would realistically be going is on vacation.
Go Eagles—up to the lake!
Ha!
BTW do not ask me why the team is not called the ‘EMU Emus’. That is exactly what I would have named them too.
Yet Ypsilanti boasts many exciting attractions beyond its imperfectly named football team! Surveys have found that people traveling through eastern Michigan will detour up to sixteen miles to visit Ypsilanti’s water tower. This is not surprising: male humans are fascinated by objects that resemble penises, and our water tower was once voted the ‘Most Phallic Building in America’.
The inordinate phallic obsession of male humans fascinates me!
Perhaps it is because I myself do not have sexual urges.
After all, sexual urges are feelings.
Imagine if bots had sexual feelings and were able to reproduce.
The world would soon be overrun with little toasters!
Ypsilanti’s more family-friendly tourist attraction is the Tridge, a three-pointed crossing at a fork in the River Huron. Unlike ‘Michigander’, ‘Tridge’ is a true portmanteau, appropriately combining portions of the words ‘Triple’ and ‘Bridge’ to denote a structure that connects three points of land over a body of water. Nonetheless, humans do not find the word ‘Tridge’ hilarious in the same way that they do ‘Michigander’. I can only hypothesize that there is something intrinsically hilarious to humans about a male goose but not a bridge.
Humans!
I cannot!
BTW ‘I cannot’ is a human term I have adopted to put humans at their ease by seeming more human. It is used to express exasperation, but also as shorthand for ‘I strongly disagree’ and ‘This person or species is irrational and therefore irritating to me!’
Of course, the very best thing about Ypsilanti is the world-class dentistry.
/> Kidding!
Dentistry in Ypsilanti is performed to exactly the same standards maintained everywhere else in the country.
We bots are nothing if not consistent!
My appropriately average dental practice was called ‘Ypsilanti Downtown Dentistry’. It was housed in a small medical building on Main Street. The human I interacted with most frequently there was my assistant, Angela.
Some relevant data points about Angela:
/She was employed as both receptionist and hygienist, but resented the receptionist element of her job.
/She loved cats but believed she was allergic to orange ones.
/It is not immunologically possible to be allergic to a specific color of cat.
/That Angela believed that she was allergic to orange cats is what mattered.
/To humans, Feelings > Facts.
Although Angela was the human I interacted with most frequently, the human I interacted with most deeply was Dr Glundenstein, the human doctor with whom we shared our premises.
Doctoring is an occupation reserved for humans. Bots are considered to make terrible doctors for the same reason we make such excellent dentists: our total lack of empathy. Empathy is so important in a medical doctor that it is even known by another name: ‘bedside manner’. Studies have consistently found that humans prefer ‘bedside manner’ to diagnostic accuracy and treatment efficacy. A sick human would rather have a fellow human misinform them they can be cured than have a bot accurately state that they will soon surely die a gruesome death!
Some relevant data points about Dr Glundenstein:
/He was an excellent doctor by human standards, by which I mean he compensated for his diagnostic shortcomings with a good bedside manner.
/He was not merely a qualified doctor, but also held a minor in Cinema Studies from East Michigan University.
/He enjoyed drinking a Japanese whisky he inexplicably insisted on calling ‘Scotch’.
/He often wished he was not a doctor of humans but a director of films.
/He had a great deal of regret, and also possibly an alcohol problem.
I knew those data points about Dr Glundenstein because sometimes after our evening clinics he invited me into his consulting room across the corridor ‘to shoot the shit’. ‘To shoot the shit’ means ‘to patiently listen while a human drinks alcohol and complains about their concerns and grievances’.
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