by Iris Trovao
Guilt washed over him in those moments, guilt that he hated her more than remembered loving her these days. Guilt that he could even fathom his wonderful daughters behaving the way she had. Guilt that he’d let it go on for so long in front of them.
“Yo, Dad.” Lily snapped her fingers. “Zone out much?”
Carson barked a laugh. “Yo?” He cocked a brow.
She rolled her eyes and pointed a finger at him, still leaning on her club. “Don’t deflect,” she said sternly. “Why are you being a space case?”
“I’m just glad you gave up on your glamorous Sunday plans to spend time with your old man, that’s all.” He smiled and leaned down to place another ball.
She snorted. “Yeah, super glamorous. I really wanted to spend my Sunday at bible school.”
“Bible school?” He struggled to keep his voice from sounding too eager.
“Sorry,” she mumbled, cheeks pinking as she wrinkled her nose. “You probably don’t want me to talk about them.”
He offered her another smile, one he hoped was encouraging. “Your mother and I are adults. And we’re your parents. You don’t have to tiptoe around my feelings if you want to talk about them.” He lined up his shot. “Only if you want to, of course.” He reared back and swung, that thwack satisfying his nerves. His daughter was right. The driving range was excellent stress relief.
“Thad’s family is super Christian, so they want the baby baptized,” Lily said, wandering back to the table behind him to pick up her iced tea. “Which, like, is fine, I guess. Mom doesn’t seem to mind about it. But because she’s not religious they’re making them do all these bible studies first before the baby is born. Rose and I went to the first one but ugh it was so boring.”
Carson chuckled. He didn’t have anything against other people’s beliefs but he had no interest in exploring it himself. He could sympathize with his daughter’s distaste.
“Anyway we’re gonna go to the baptism but thankfully Mom isn’t heartbroken that I don’t wanna go to the classes.” Lily took another sip then smacked her lips together, setting the glass back down on the table. “I don’t think Rose is really interested either but she likes hanging out with Mom. She wanted to go to that interview, even.”
He shook his head. “I’m glad she didn’t. That reporter tried to be invasive with me, so I can imagine she would have had a field day with Rose had she been present.” He set down another ball and swapped out his driver for a nine-iron as Lily strolled back over to her spot.
“I practiced my statement for like two weeks, and I didn’t even get to use it.” She carefully lined up her swing. “I was kinda disappointed. I thought I could do pretty well at the haughty ‘no comment lady, don’t talk to me’ vibe.”
Carson laughed as she swung, missing the ball completely.
“Whoops!” She laughed too and tried again, this time executing a nice chip that arced slightly to the right.
Gina had been smart to get ahead of any controversy by doing an interview a few weeks back—a carefully-scripted tell-all of her secret relationship with Thad. Of course leaving out the dramatic bits, and framing it as a fully consensual and calculated move on the whole family’s part, despite the reporter desperately trying to find juicy broken hearts.
The news had blown up on Twitter for a few days, but was soon buried by some new meme that had gone viral. No backlash, and thankfully no harassment of the girls. While Gina was somewhat of a public figure, without knowing about any of the cheating secret baby drama the internet wasn’t all that interested.
“You know,” Lily said slowly, clasping her hands around the golf club’s handle, “maybe sometime you and Nick could golf together.”
Carson raised an eyebrow. “I seem to recall you not wanting me around your boyfriend.”
“That was when I worried you’d freak him out.” She reached up and smoothed a hand over her hair, something she’d always done when she was nervous. “But every time you’ve pulled your macho dad routine he’s been totally cool.”
He smiled at her. “Is he any good?”
She shrugged. “I think so? His mom does like tournaments and stuff.”
“Guess I should get practicing, then, so I don’t get beat by a teenager.” He over exaggerated a wrinkle of his nose.
Lily trilled a laugh, shaking her head. “Ah, the fragile male ego!”
“I resent that.” He raised a finger. “It’s the fragile Dad ego, dear daughter.”
After dropping Lily off, Carson treated himself to a frappe with whipped cream and sat outside to enjoy the sun. He unlocked his phone and opened up his text conversation with Jane.
How did the appointment go with the financial advisor? He hit send, and took a long slurp of the sugary smoothie.
Jane: I am officially in control of my shit!
He chuckled at the little emoji she’d added of a muscled arm flexing. Good for you, he sent back. How does it feel?
Jane: Overwhelming AF but good lol
Jane: I am addicted to spreadsheets now.
He swiped a finger through the whipped cream at the top of his cup and popped it into his mouth. Budgeting spreadsheet, huh? That’s pretty handy.
Jane: Yeah this guy is hardcore lol, I even have a savings goals tab so I can keep track of future things I want to spend my money on. For now it’s just random savings I guess.
He smiled. Don’t want to take a fancy trip somewhere? When he’d decided to use up three weeks of his vacation time, he’d considered taking a trip. But he hadn’t wanted to make the girls choose between coming with him or spending time with Gina. They hadn’t done any kind of intense set-in-stone custody thing, and it had been working so far with the girls able to go wherever they wanted. They had been excited to be around for Gina’s prenatal appointments and milestones, and he hadn’t wanted them to miss out on any of that by taking them out of the country.
Jane: Haha yeah right. I’m trying not to have fun, remember?
He shook his head. You don’t need alcohol to have fun, he sent back. But definitely harder to avoid on vacation. How’s the new place?
Jane: OMG it’s so awesome. It’s so weird living in such an old-ass building but I love it. All the old wooden beams have so much shit carved into them. And everything is so open.
He smiled as he took another sip of his drink. That sounds lovely, he sent back. He wanted to ask for a photo, but stopped himself. They’d been careful to keep their friendship on the same level it had always been. They still hadn’t shared their real names with each other. And never any photos.
He so badly just wanted to ask her her name. It would be difficult, he thought, to stop mentally referring to her as Jane, at least for a little while. He wondered what she referred to him as. He imagined he was in her phone as Doc, since that was what she called him most often.
Jane: It’s pretty bitchin. And as much as I feel like a huge asshole for saying it, it’s good to be out of the place where I felt constantly haunted.
That doesn’t make you an asshole, he sent back. It’s not like you’re looking to erase your husband’s memory completely. Just make it less painful for you to live your life.
She didn’t respond for a time. He tried not to assume things about her, especially pertaining to her feelings about her late husband. But at this stage in their friendship, knowing all the deep dark things… It seemed they’d hit this comfortable place where they didn’t have to be afraid to say things to each other.
Jane: That’s true. I’m still working on the whole self-loathing thing.
Jane: Anyway. How was golfing lol was your kid bored to tears?
He laughed, blushing slightly when the woman walking past him startled at the noise. He offered her an apologetic smile and she hurried on her way, juggling two full trays of hot paper cups.
I'll have you know I am not a boring guy to hang out with, thank you very much, he sent back.
A goofy grin took over his face at her reply.
Jane: Oh,
I don’t doubt that for a second, doc.
Chapter Thirty-One
Three months after that…
Jolie clamped her lips shut around the giant chunk of banana muffin she’d just stuffed in her mouth, hiding the offending baked good behind her back.
Janos raised a perfectly sculpted brow. “What are you doing?”
“Nuffin’,” Jolie mumbled around the delicious cake, crumbs spewing all over the prep table.
He tried to look stern, but it only lasted a few seconds before he burst into laughter. “Girl, you are the worst!” He waved a hand at her and plonked an empty coffee carafe on the counter. “Chew that shit before you choke on it. Eating up all our stock, damn.”
Jolie struggled to chew as she giggled, finally safely swallowing before slipping the rest of the muffin into her apron pocket.
“Alicia is out there,” Janos said as he rinsed out the inside of the carafe. “I'll finish the dishes without eating half the muffins.”
She rolled her eyes and wandered out from the back room into the cafe proper, leaning up against the counter. “What can I get you, sexy lady?” she drawled in her best Southern accent.
“You think that never gets old, but it’s very old,” Alicia teased, rolling her eyes. “Your boss dickishly refused to make my mocha so chop chop barista lady.” She snapped her fingers.
“Yes ma’am, right away ma’am.” Jolie stuck out her tongue before bending to open the fridge.
“You know, if you’d just come work with me, I wouldn't have to come here and order you around like a bitch,” Alicia sang as she dropped her purse on the counter with a heavy thunk.
Jolie sighed as she pulled out a cold metal pitcher and bottle of milk. “As if you wouldn’t order me around like a bitch if I came to work for you.” She kept her tone light, but she hated when her friend brought this up.
“Not for me, with me,” Alicia whined. “Come on Jo, is this really what you want? Why won’t you just come try it out?”
Jolie flicked on the espresso grinder to avoid answering. This was what she wanted. She’d turned down a job at the magazine—that she would have been horrendously under qualified for—for the same reason she’d turned down Caleb when he’d offered to continue supporting her as John had.
She wanted to make her own way.
Once the grinder finished its loud screaming, Alicia was sufficiently distracted by a new customer at the counter. As Jolie set the espresso machine to its work, she shot the guy a warm smile.
“I'll be with you in a sec,” she said, and he grinned, giving her a thumbs up.
He was definitely good-looking, with artfully-tousled hair and broad muscular shoulders. She imagined he was rocking at least an eight-pack under the tight white tee stretched across his frame. By the way Alicia was biting her lip, she was imagining the same thing.
“Never seen you around here before, handsome.” She flashed him her thousand-watt smile, and as if on cue, Janos materialized out of nowhere.
Jolie stifled a giggle as she poured hot chocolate milk over espresso—Janos must have heard Alicia say ‘handsome’ and come to investigate.
“What can I get for you, sweetie?” he asked, leaning against the counter casually.
“My girlfriend is having a baby!” the guy blurted, his grin widening even more. “She misses coffee so much I want to get her some fancy stuff for after the baby comes.”
Jolie contained another fit of giggles as her friends visibly withered with disappointment. She topped Alicia’s mocha with a few shakes of cocoa and slid it across the counter to her.
“Congratulations,” she said, swiping her palms down her apron. “Nice idea but aren’t you not supposed to drink coffee while breastfeeding too?”
“Oh man, I didn’t think of that,” the guy breathed, his shoulders slumping. “I just wanna get some stuff for her, you know? Everyone is spoiling the baby which is awesome but like, I want her to feel special too.”
Janos put a hand to his chest. “Aren’t you just the sweetest thing.” He skirted the counter, putting a hand on the guy’s chiseled bicep. “I am in the business of making people feel special through coffee. Come have a look at all our different Swiss-water decafs and we’ll put together a fantastic gift basket for your lady.”
“Thanks, man!” The grin returned, bringing with it a boyishness that made it difficult for Jolie to imagine this guy as a father.
The girls both sighed as they watched his rock-hard ass walk away with Janos to the bean and gift display at the far end of the cafe.
“Travesty,” Alicia murmured, shaking her head. She took a sip of her mocha and moaned happily. “I guess I can see some appeal to working here. Hot dudes and good drinks.”
“I like it,” Jolie admitted, a blush creeping up her cheeks. She didn’t expect her glamorous friend to understand, but she could blather on all day about how fulfilling it was to be covered in flour all day, baking treats and making people happy. How forcing herself to talk to people in a sober, positive environment made her feel like a functioning member of society. How doing something for herself and earning her own money and dealing with her own finances for her own space made her feel like she had something to live for. Like she mattered.
“Anyway,” Alicia said with a sigh, finally tearing her eyes away from the jacked father-to-be, “I am swamped today. We still hanging on Saturday?”
“Yes ma’am,” Jolie replied, giving her a little salute. “Already have the ice cream.”
“Bitchin’.” Alicia waved and whistled at Janos, tossing him a wink before heading out the door.
Jolie smiled. It was happening more and more these days, the smiling. Especially on the occasional Saturdays that she and her bestie would curl up with ice cream and chick flicks. It was a stark contrast to their club nights of old, but healthier and cheaper. The best part was that she hadn’t been stood up a single time.
Her phone buzzed in her pocket and she slid it out, sneaking a glance at Janos to make sure he was still occupied.
Dr. Tweedledick: Well, it’s official. I am a 9 to 5er now.
Jolie grinned. Congrats, she sent back, that’s so exciting! You’ll have actual days off now!
Dr. Tweedledick: And nights. That’s going to take some getting used to.
Welcome to the land of the living, ya vampire, she sent, unable to stop heat rising in her cheeks. Memories of that dream she had, what felt like years ago, of a sexy doctor wearing vampire teeth pinning her against a bookshelf…
She’d been trying to stamp down thoughts like this for weeks. She'd tried to convince herself that of course she'd be attracted to the only guy in her life that paid her any attention—save for Janos.
It just made her feel guilty to crush on this guy. This guy she’d lusted after while still married to her now-dead husband. This guy who had divorced his cheating wife with whom he had kids. This guy who was old enough to be her father.
Who she was so close with, shared all of her life with, but she didn’t even know his name or what he looked like.
Dr. Tweedledick: I feel more alive already.
Dr. Tweedledick: Lol
He added a silly face emoji with the tongue hanging out, and Jolie’s chest constricted with an emotion she wasn’t ready to name.
Chapter Thirty-Two
A few months after that…
“And what about your daughters’ relationship with their mother?” Emilia asked, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose.
Carson raised an eyebrow, chuckling nervously. “What about it?”
“Do they talk to you about her a lot these days?”
He shook his head. “Not so much. Well, a little,” he admitted. “Rose mostly gushes about the baby. She loves spending time with him.”
“Does it bother you?”
He took a deep breath, thinking carefully. As a doctor, he’d felt strange seeing a therapist…defensive, almost. But after a few months, he’d realized that he could trust this woman, trust that
if he were honest with her she could help him work through some of the things swirling in his brain.
“No,” he finally said. “When I think about the baby…all I can really think about is how relieved I am that I don’t have to pretend that he’s mine. I’m happy that Rose gets to spend time with him in an honest capacity instead of the strained emotional life we would have had.”
Emilia jotted something down on her notepad. “And Lily?” she asked without looking up at him. “What does she talk about?”
“I sometimes have to encourage her,” he admitted. “She’s old enough to really wrap her head around what happened between Gina and I, so sometimes I feel like she wants to talk about the times she’s with her mother and feels badly because she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. It’s getting better for her, though. The more we talk candidly about our lives the more comfortable she is.”
She raised an eyebrow. “And are you comfortable?”
He sighed. “That’s a difficult question.”
“It’s okay to admit you’re harbouring ill feelings. Even if it’s just to yourself.”
Carson leaned back in his plush chair. “I don’t think I’m harbouring ill feelings. I spent a lot of time while we were still together lamenting the love we’d lost…but by the time it all came to a head and we decided to separate I was just glad it was over. My biggest concern was my daughters, and it’s not like I’ve lost them. They spend time at both places, and it doesn’t seem as if their quality of life has diminished. If anything they’ve got happier parents now.”
“So you’d say you’re happier?” she asked.
“Yes.” It was a no-brainer for him to respond to that one in the affirmative. I feel more alive already… He hadn’t been lying when he’d sent that to Jane. Starting a new chapter of his life was invigorating. “Admittedly lonely sometimes…but I was lonely before, too. I was a lot more closed off from people when we were living a lie. Now I’ve got hobbies and people to spend time with.”