CHAPTER III. "How to Win the Affections"
Miss Sally glanced hurriedly around, seeking some retreat to which shecould fly. Mrs. Smith, having introduced Eliph' Hewlitt, had turnedaway, and the other picnickers were gathered around the minister,looking over his shoulders at the copy of Jarby's Encyclopedia. Althoughshe could have no idea, as yet, that Eliph' Hewlitt had decided to marryher, Miss Sally was afraid of him. She was a dainty little woman, withjust a few gray hairs tucked out of sight under the brown ones, butalthough she was ordinarily able to hold her own, each year that wasadded to her life made her more afraid of book agents.
Time after time she had succumbed to the wiles of book agents. It madeno difference how she received them, nor how she steeled her heartagainst their plausible words, she always ended buying whatever they hadto sell, and after that it was a fight to get the money from her fatherwith which to pay the installments. Pap Briggs objected to paying outmoney for anything, but he considered that about the most useless thinghe could spend money for was a book. Whenever he heard there was a bookagent in Kilo he acted like a hen when she sees a hawk in the sky, readyto pounce down upon her brood, and he pottered around and scolded andcomplained and warned Miss Sally to beware, and then in the end the bookagent always made the sale, and Miss Sally felt as if she had committedseven or eight deadly sins, and it made her life miserable. Only a fewmonths before she had fallen prey to a man who had sold her a set of SirWalter Scott's Complete Works, two dollars down, and one dollar a month,and she felt that the work of urging the monthly dollar out of herfather's pocket was all she could stand.
Why and how she bought books always remained a mystery to her; it is amystery to many book buyers how they happen to buy books. Book agentsseemed to have a mesmerizing effect on Miss Sally, as serpents dazebirds before they devour them. The process applied between the time whenshe stated with the utmost positiveness that she did not want, and wouldnot buy, a book, and the time, a few minutes later, when she signed hername to the agent's list of subscribers, was something she could notfathom.
And now she had been left face to face with a book agent, actuallyintroduced to him, and her father still under monthly miseries onaccount of Sir Walter Scott's Complete Works.
"I don't want any books to-day," said Miss Sally nervously, when she sawthat she could not run away.
"And I'm not going to sell you any," said Eliph' Hewlitt cheerfully. Hehad studied Miss Sally thoroughly, with the quick eye of the experiencedbook agent who has learned to read character at sight, and he haddecided that no more suitable Mrs. Hewlitt was he apt to find. "And I'mnot going to SELL you any," he repeated. "This is picnic day, and I'mnot selling books, although I may say there is no day in the whole yearwhen Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature,Science and Art is not needed. It is a book that contains a noblethought or useful hint for every hour of every day from the cradle tothe grave, comprising ten thousand and one subjects, neatly bound."
"I don't want one," said Miss Sally, backing away. "I don't live here,and you might do better selling it to someone who does."
Eliph' Hewlitt's eyes beamed kindly through his spectacles.
"It is just as useful to them that is traveling as to them that ishome," he said, "if not more so. If you ever took a copy along withyou on your travels you would never travel again without it. Take thechapter on 'Traveling,' for instance, page 46." He looked around, as ifhe would have liked to get his sample copy, but it was in such a numberof eager hands that he turned back to Miss Sally. "Take the directionson Sleeping Cars," he said. "For that one thing alone the book is worthits price to anyone going to travel by rail. It gives full instructionshow much to give the porter, how to choose a berth, how to undress in anupper berth without damage to the traveler or the car, et cetery. And,when you consider that that is but one of the ten thousand and onethings mentioned in this volume, you can see that it is really giving itaway when I sell it, neatly bound in cloth, for five dollars."
"I don't think I want one," said Miss Sally doubtfully, for she wasbeginning to fall under the spell.
"No!" said Eliph' firmly. "No! You don't. And I don't want to SELL youone. Nothing ain't farther from my mind than wanting to sell you a copyof that book. Just rest perfectly easy about THAT, Miss Briggs. We'llput 'Literature, Science, and Art' to one side and enjoy the delightsof the open air, and, if I happen to say anything that sounds like book,just you excuse me, for I don't mean it. Mebby I DO get to talking aboutthat book when I don't mean to, for it is a book that a man that knowsit as well as I do just can't HELP talking about. It's a wonderfulbook. It is a book that has all the wisdom and knowledge of the worldcondensed into one volume, including five hundred ennobling thoughtsform the world's great authors, inclusive of the prose and poetical gemsof all ages, beginning on page 201, sixty-two solid pages of them,with vingetty portraits of the authors, this being but one of the manyfeatures that make the book helpful to all people of refinement andmind. Now, when you take a book like that and bind it in a neat clothcover, making it an ornament to any center table in the country, andsell it for the small price of five dollars, it is not selling it; itis giving it away. Five dollars, neatly bound in cloth, one dollar down,and one dollar a month until paid."
Miss Sally looked hopelessly toward the sample copy, which the ministerwas still exhibiting to the picnickers with real pleasure. She wasenthralled, but she was puzzled. Never had she bought a book thatshe had not first looked through. Invariably the agent had begun hisdissertation on the book's merits by an explanation of the illuminatedfrontispiece--if it had one--and ended by turning the last page to showthe sheet where she must sign her name, underneath those of "the otherleading citizens of this town." There was something wrong, but she wasnot quite sure what it was. She glanced back at the eager face of Eliph'Hewlitt, and mistook the glow of "Affection, How to Hold it When Won,"for the intense glance of the predatory book seller.
"I'll take a copy," she said recklessly.
Eliph' Hewlitt's face clouded, and he put out his hand as if to ward offa blow.
"No, you won't!" he said, with distress. "You don't want one, and Iwon't sell you one."
He cast his mind quickly over the chapter on "Courtship--How to Win theAffections," and recalled its directions. He wished he had the book inhis hands, so that he could turn to the chapter and freshen his memory,but the first direction was, certainly, to become well acquainted.
"I don't want to sell you one," he said more gently. "I want to sit downon this nice grass and get acquainted. You and me are both strangershere, and I guess we ought to talk to each other."
He seated himself as he said the word, and crossed his legs,Turk-fashion, and looked up at Miss Sally, with an invitation in hiseyes. For a minute she stood looking down at him doubtfully. She wasunable to understand the actions of this new variety of book agent thatrefused to sell books after talking up to the selling point, and shesuddenly remembered that she was away from home, and that the book wassold on installments. She flushed. Did his refusal to sell imply thatshe might not be able to pay the installments?
"I'll take a copy of that book, IF you please," she said haughtily."I guess there ain't no question but that I'm able to PAY for it. I'vebought books before, and paid for them; and I guess I'm just as ableto pay as most folks you sell to. If you've any doubt about it, there'sreferences I can give right here in Clarence that will satisfy you."
Eliph' Hewlitt coughed gently behind his hand, and stroked his whiskers,as he looked up at the indignant Miss Briggs. He did not want to sellher a book' it would place him in her mind once, and, probably, for all,as one of the tribe of book agents, and nothing more. Yet he could notoffend her. He might compromise by giving her a copy, but the chapteron "Courtship--How to Win the Affections," distinctly advised this as alater act. First it was necessary to become well acquainted; then it wasadvisable to proceed to give small presents, books or flowers or sweetsbeing particularly mentioned, and Eliph' Hewlitt would never hav
ethought of doing first the thing Jarby's Encyclopedia advised doingsecond. He had been selling Jarby's for many years. He had seen the"talking feature" of the colored plates of the Civil War pass, and hadseen them succeeded by colored plates of the Franco-Prussian War, andhad seen these make way for colored plates of one war after anotheruntil the present plates of the Spanish War appeared, and through allthese changes in the last chapter he had studied the book until he knewits contents as well as he knew his "two--times--two." He could recitethe book forward or backward, read it upside down--as a book agent hasto read a book when it is in a customer's lap--or sideways, and couldturn promptly to nearly any word in it without hesitation. The more hestudied it the more he loved it and admired it and believed in it. Itwas his whole literature, and he found it to be sufficient. If he saw athing in Jarby's he knew it was so, and if it was not in Jarby's it wasnot worth knowing. Under such circumstances he could not make Miss Sallya present of the book until he and she had first become well acquainted.Jarby's said so. He scrambled hurriedly to his feet.
"Miss Briggs," he said earnestly, "You ain't near guessing the reasonwhy I don't want to sell you a copy of the world-famous volume. Youain't nowhere near it at all. If I was to tell you what the reason wasI guess you'd be surprised. But I ain't going to tell you. It ain'tbecause you can't pay for it, for if it was a library of one thousandvolumes at ten dollars a volume, ten dollars down and ten dollars amonth, I'd be glad to take your order. And it ain't because I ain'tgoing to sell any more copies here, because I am, and I'm going to sellall I can, right here at this picnic, just to show you what I can dowhen I try. But I ain't going to sell you one. I've got a good reason."
Miss Sally was not fully pacified by this, for now she was sure she hadguessed the reason Eliph' Hewlitt did not want to sell her a copy. Sheimagined now that some book agent had told him of her father's aversionto books--when they had to be paid for--and that Eliph' Hewlitt waswilling to forego a sale rather than lead her into new trouble with herfather. Possibly he had met the Walter Scott man. She turned away.
"I guess I'll go and help Mrs. Smith lay out the lunch," she said, asthe easiest way to be rid of the annoyance.
"I guess I'll go, too," said Eliph' Hewlitt promptly and cheerfully."I'm a good hand at that. It tells all about it in Jarby's Encyclopedia.Look under 'P':'Picnic Lunches. Picnic, How to Organize and Conduct.Picnic, Origin of,' et cetery, et cetery. A book that contains all theknowledge in the world condensed into one volume, with lives of all theworld's great men, from Adam to Roosevelt, and the dying words of themthat is dead."
Miss Sally turned on him sharply.
"Goodness sakes!" she exclaimed, "I wish you would either sell me a copyof that book or keep still about it. Ain't I going to have no peace atall?"
"I didn't mention it, did I?" asked Eliph' Hewlitt innocently, and hedid not know that he had. "I was speaking of this happy gathering. Ain'tit pretty to see all kinds of folks gathered together this way to makeeach other happier? It's like a living Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledgeand Compendium of Literature, Science and Art, a little of everythingin one volume, and all of it good. All the good things from parson topickles. I suppose you put up your own pickles, don't you?"
"Yes, I do," said Miss Sally, who was now walking toward where theladies were unpacking the lunch. "Why do you ask it?"
"It called to my mind the recipe for making pickles that is in Jarby'sEncyclopedia," said Eliph', unmindful of the look of anger that flushedMiss Sally's face at the mention of that book. "Them that has triedit says it is the best they have ever used. That and seven hundred andninety-nine other tested recipes, all contained in the chapter called'The Complete Kitchen Guide,' see page 100, including roasts, fries,pastry, cakes, bread, puddings, entrees, soups, how to make candy, howto clean brass, copper, silver, tin, et cetery, et cetery. Them thatuses Jarby's tested recipes as given in this volume, uses no other."
There was a stiffening of Miss Sally's back as she walked ahead of him,and even Eliph' Hewlitt could not fail to observe it. It told plainlythat if he could have seen her lips he would have seen them closefirmly, and he made haste to reassure her.
"I ain't trying to sell you a book," he said, taking a quicker step toreach her side, but she hurried the more as he did so, and crowded inamong the other women so that he could not follow. He stood a momentwatching her, but she began talking rapidly to one of the women,ignoring him conspicuously, and he coughed gently behind his hand, as ifto apologize for her affront, and then walked away.
He could not account for his poor success in getting well acquaintedwith Miss Sally, and he began to fear that he had not fully understoodthe directions given by Jarby's Encyclopedia in the chapter on"Courtship--How to Win the Affections." He realized that he had usedthat chapter less often in talking up a sale than he had used any other,and that for that reason he had studied it less closely, and he sawnow, more than ever, that there was no chapter in the whole book that apossessor could afford to neglect. He walked over to where the ministerwas still holding the book, but now holding it closed in his lap, andhe asked politely if he might have it for a few minutes. The ministerhanded it to him, and Eliph', walking to where one of the smaller treesof the grove made a spot of shade, seated himself, and fixed his eyes onthe chapter on "Courtship--How to Win the Affections."
For the first time in his life he was unable to fix his attention firmlyon the pages of Jarby's Encyclopedia. His eyes insisted on turningto where Miss Sally moved about the cloth spread on the grass; thetablecloth on which green bugs and black bugs and brown bugs werealready parading, as bugs always do at a picnic. Occasionally hestroked his sandy-gray whiskers, and whenever she turned her face in hisdirection he cast his eyes upon his book, but he could not read.
He hoped he would have the good fortune to be seated next to Miss Sallywhen the lunch time came, and he had little doubt that he would be nearher, for it was likely that he and she, being strangers, would be putnear the minister. He closed the book, seeing at length that it wasimpossible for him to read it, and, as the men began to bring thecushions from the buggies and place them around the cloth, he arose andwent to bring his own to add to the supply. As he reached the fence, abarefoot boy, mounted on a horse with no other saddle than a blanket,came galloping down the road, and stopped before him.
"Say," said the boy, wide-eyed with importance, "is Sally Briggs inthere?"
Eliph' said she was.
"Well, say," said the boy, "she's got to go home to Kilo, right away.Her dad telephoned up, and he don't know whether he's dying or not, andshe's got to go right home."
Eliph' turned and hurried to where Miss Sally was standing.
"I hope it ain't nothing serious, Miss Briggs," he said, "but that boyhas come to give you a message that come by telephone. I think yourfather ain't well."
Miss Sally dropped the cake she was holding, and ran to the fence.
"What is it?" she gasped.
"Well," said the boy, "my dad was in the post office just now, and thetelephone bell rang, and he looked around to see where Julius was,and Julius he had gone outside to see what Mr. Fogarty, from up to theCorners, wanted. I don't know what he wanted. Pa didn't tell me. I don'tknow as pa knew, anyway, but I guess he wanted something, or else hewouldn't have motioned Julius to go out, unless he just wanted to talkto Julium. Mebby he just wanted to ask Julius if there was any mail forhim. So pa answered the telephone."
"Well, what did it say?" asked Miss Sally impatiently.
"You've got a pa, haven't you?" asked the boy.
"Yes," said Miss Sally.
"Well, has he got false teeth?" asked the boy.
"Yes," said Miss Sally more impatiently.
"Well, that's all right, then," said the boy. "Pa couldn't tell exactlywhether it was false teeth or not, the telephone at the post officeworks so poor, and pa ain't no hand at it, anyhow. He said it soundedlike false teeth. So you pa wants you to come right home to Kilo. Mebbyhe's dying."
"Dying!" cried Mi
ss Sally, as white as a sheet.
"Yes, mebby he is," continued the boy. "He ain't right sure, but he saysyou'd better come right home, so if he IS dying you'll be on hand. And,if he ain't, you can help him hunt for them. He says he went to bed lastnight, same as always, but he don't recall whether he took out his falseset of teeth or left them in, and he ain't sure whether he swallowedthem last night, or put them down somewheres and lost them. He says he'sgot a pain like he swallowed them, but he ain't sure but what it's someof the cooking he's been doing that give him that, and anyway he wantsyou to come right home."
"Goodness sakes!" exclaimed Miss Sally, "why don't he go see DocWeaver?"
The boy shook his head.
"I don't know," he said. "I guess pa didn't think to ask him that. I'llhave to ask him when I git back."
The departure of Miss Sally made a break in the orderly progress of thepicnic, for it not only terminated her part of the day's pleasures, butalso cut short her visit in Clarence, and she had to say farewell to allthe picnickers before she could go.
Eliph' Hewlitt offered to drive her to Clarence, but she refused him,and arranged to have one of the young boys, who had a faster horse,drive her to Kilo. The whole picnic leaned over the rail fence andwatched until she was out of sight, and then went on with the lunch,which was just ready when her summons came.
It was a severe blow to Eliph' Hewlitt. He had hoped to have carried hiscourtship so far during the day that it would have been at least tothe third paragraph of the first page of "Courtship--How to Win theAffections," and now Miss Sally had left, and he had not progressed atall. It reminded him of the quotation in the Alphabet of Quotations, inJarby's Encyclopedia, "The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth."
Miss Sally's departure, however, and the strange circumstance of it,allowed him to ask questions about her and about Kilo that he could nototherwise have asked. He learned how far she would have to travel toreach Kilo, who her father was, and all that he wished to know. Hedecided that the only course for him to follow was to omit his canvassof the interlying farms and of the town of Clarence for the present, andfollow Miss Sally to Kilo.
When the picnic ended, Irontail had released the rein, and Eliph'Hewlitt drove off, well pleased with his day's work. He had not onlysecured a wife--for he had no doubt that it only needed an applicationof the rules set forth in Jarby's Encyclopedia in order to "Win theAffections" of Miss Sally, and "Hold Them When Won," but he tookwith him subscriptions for sixteen volumes of Jarby's Encyclopedia ofKnowledge and Compendium of Literature, Science and Art, bound in cloth,five dollars, and two bound in morocco, at seven fifty.
Kilo : being the love story of Eliph' Hewlitt, book agent Page 3