by Claire Raye
It’s asked about on job applications and while it’s said you can’t be discriminated against, I’m certain there are people who have been passed up for jobs because of it. This is very much a part of Caleb’s worry and I know it’s killing him that his boss knows what happened.
What most people don’t understand about mental illness is that functioning at work is something that balances people like Caleb out. It’s the unknown and the unstructured situations that cause the greatest stress.
“She will ask you about that but being honest will make it so she’s able to help you better. I’ll come with you if you want,” I offer, not sure if this is something he’s even comfortable with. “Or maybe Sie?” I add this on at the end in the hopes that maybe he’s more comfortable with her there instead. She knows what he’s been through, what they’ve both through.
He crosses his arms over his chest, letting out a hard exhale of air and I catch him biting the inside of his cheek. It’s something that has started when he’s trying to control what comes out of his mouth.
“Why not Sie?” he asks, but it’s said as a question and not casually like he’s saying he should bring Sienna with him.
I tilt my head to the side waiting for him to elaborate, but he falls silent, letting his question linger just long enough for me to wonder exactly what he meant.
“Why not Sienna what? Why not bring her with you? I think that’s a good idea.” Even though I realize that isn’t what he said, I put it out there again, hoping this time around he agrees with me. But I know better. Caleb isn’t going to suddenly be compliant. I’m sure he holds his independence closely as this was something he’s always had.
“We’ve been through the same shit. We had the same parents. So why is she—”
“No,” I say, immediately cutting him off. “We aren’t going to do this. You don’t get to do the martyr, woe is me shit, Caleb. I won’t let you.” I almost stomp my foot, not trying to make him angry, but more to light a fire under him.
He opens his mouth to argue with me, but I toss up a hand. “This is about you. Not Sienna, not me or Reid or anyone else. You’ve lost your sense of power, your ability to control things and blaming or looking for reasons why won’t make it better. Go see the fucking therapist, Caleb and get your fucking life back.”
“Fuck, Ruby!” he yells out, startling me, but I’m not backing down to him. He turns his back to me, dragging a hand through his hair, tugging the ends.
I walk over to him, wrapping my arms around his waist, clinging to him so he knows I’m still here. He can yell and get angry and take his bullshit out on me, because I know this isn’t him and it’s all part of his recovery.
I hate his silence more than I hate him yelling at me and as we stand here, my head against his back, his breathing erratic and ragged, I know he’s trying to find his way out of this mess.
“Can we take a step back?” I ask. “My intention wasn’t to piss you off and it’s obvious I’m going about this all wrong.”
“My intention is never to be angry with you, Ruby,” he quietly admits, and my heart breaks a little more with each word he says.
“I have an idea,” I whisper, slipping around so I’m now standing in front of him. I look up at him through my lashes, taking in his beautiful blue eyes that are red-rimmed and still swollen from the stress and tears, but behind them, I see everything I know Caleb is capable of and everything he wants to change.
“As long as it’s not the therapist…”
I press a quick kiss to his lips silencing him and I smile against his mouth. I won’t give up on that issue, but for now I will be quiet.
I shake my head a little, letting him know our conversation about that isn’t over, but I’m willing to set it aside to see what we can do to ease some of his anxiety and maybe, just maybe get him to that therapist without all this drama.
It’s not just Caleb that is affected by this. Technically I have another semester coming up where I could potentially have Professor Keller, again. This is a thought that continues to return despite all the other shit we’re dealing with. It’s nothing in comparison to what Caleb is dealing with, but it’s still there. Ed recommended I file a restraining order against Professor Keller, but that seems an impossible feat. He works on campus and I will have to return to classes after the holidays, making that whole five hundred feet thing impossible. I once again push these thoughts away, focusing on Caleb.
I kiss him again, letting my lips brush softly against his and this time I feel the slightest bit of a smile tug at the corners of his mouth.
“You’re cheating, Ruby,” he murmurs and I giggle, reaching around to grab his ass.
“I’m glad I can still have this effect on you,” I respond, wiggling my hips against his and he groans a little.
“I might be a fucking mess, but my dick still wants you regardless,” he jokes back, pushing himself against my hip.
“I have a plan,” I start to say, and I watch Caleb roll his eyes. “Listen, if you’re going to be a pain in my ass, you can bet I’m going to be a pain in yours. And if you want to get laid again, you’re going to go along with it.”
I push back away from him, my hands on my hips, giving him a stern look as I wait for him to indicate some sort of agreement to what I’ve just said.
“Alright, let’s hear your plan.” He gives in, but thankfully his voice lacks the defeated tone it has taken on just recently.
“Well, we’re going to start by keeping normal hours. No more sleeping during the day. No naps, no staying up till three a.m.”
“I work at a bar,” he deadpans, narrowing his eyes at me with a little too much skepticism.
“Yes, but we have to find a way to help you wind down after your shift because staying up late isn’t going to help. And no more alcohol.”
“Ruby.”
“What? I’m out too. We’re in this together and today we are going to start by going for a run and eating dinner here at the house. No more bar food. And then at the end of every night, we’re taking a bath together so you can relax and then go to bed.”
“So you’re turning us into an old married couple? We gonna start eating dinner at four in the afternoon?”
“Listen, smartass, we’re doing this. Routine builds stability.” I’m smirking at him, happy that we’re able to have a conversation and that he’s even teasing me. I was starting to get worried it was going to take more than a simple conversation to get things moving.
“Stability? What the fuck is that?” he mocks, raising a brow in question.
At least he can joke about it now.
Chapter Six
Caleb
I’d like to say Ruby’s plan works and everything changes, but it doesn’t. And it’s not because I don’t want things to change, I do, but it all just feels so fucking impossible right now, that I don’t know how things can.
Her and Sie are out, doing some shopping or something. I don’t really know, because I wasn’t fully paying attention. All I know is today was the day we were supposed to drive to Lake Tahoe. Only now we’re not because I’ve gone and fucked everything up. I tried to tell them all to go without me, but they wouldn’t and of course that’s making me feel even worse because not only have I ruined our break, but now Ruby won’t get to see her family.
The house is quiet when I finally get out of bed. I faked getting up before when Ruby did, but as soon as she and Sie left, I went back there. It’s now late afternoon and they still aren’t back, and I have no idea where Reid is.
I wander out to the kitchen, opening the fridge as I aimlessly stare inside looking for something I’m not sure I want. I shut the door and turn around, my eyes taking in the clean space, searching. But nothing appeals and exhaling, I walk empty-handed into the living room and collapse on the couch.
I pick up the remote, but don’t turn on the TV, just sit back, resting against the back as I stare up at the ceiling. My head is a mess today, a mix of jumbled thoughts that I can’
t make sense of. I have several texts from Ed on my phone too, none of which I’ve responded to.
I close my eyes, wondering if I should just go back to bed and call this day done. I must fall asleep, because the next thing I hear is something getting dropped on the coffee table and the couch moving as someone sits beside me.
“Hey,” Reid says, as I open my eyes to find him looking at me.
I blink a few times, trying to focus as I take in the box that sits on the coffee table, the others that are over by the TV.
“What’s going on?” I ask, my voice a little hoarse.
“Just bringing the last of my stuff over,” Reid says, gesturing toward it. “You could’ve helped if you didn’t sleep all day.”
I shake my head, trying to make sense of what he’s saying. “Your stuff, from where?”
Reid rolls his eyes at me, an easy smile on his face telling me he isn’t really annoyed. “From my old house,” he says.
“What, why?”
“Oh boy,” Reid mutters, shoving a hand through his hair. “Because I’m moving in here,” he says with a sarcastic tone. “My lease is up, and I needed to grab all my stuff and move it.”
“Don’t you already live here?” I ask, even knowing how stupid I sound.
Reid sits forward, his elbows resting on his knees as he watches me. “Basically, but now it’s official.”
I sit up a little pushing a hand through my hair before scrubbing it over my face as I try to wake up. “Is this because of me?” I ask, wondering if Reid thinks he needs to be here now after having seen what I did. As though maybe he’s worried about Sienna, about what I might do.
Reid laughs. “Well, it’s actually because I’m in love with your sister and want to live with her, want to be with her all the time, sleep with her every night. And by sleep…” He pauses, a smile on his face. “What I really mean is fuck her.”
I blink at him, running my hand over my jaw.
“Jesus, no reaction at all?” Reid says, still smiling. “Fuck, you are out of it.”
“What?”
“Ugh, Jesus Christ,” Reid mutters, standing as he reaches for my arm and pulls me up. “Go take a shower, you need one,” he says, pushing me toward the bathroom. “And then you and I are going out.”
“Wait, what, where are we going?” I ask, confused.
“Just go,” Reid says, shoving me.
I do what he says, my head still foggy from having spent the day sleeping and doing fuck all. I have no idea where he’s taking me or what we’re doing. It looks like he’s spent the day packing up his stuff and moving it over here and it makes me feel like shit that I wasn’t helping him.
By the time I walk back out to the living room, freshly showered and dressed, my head a little clearer, Reid is leaning against the back of the couch on his phone.
“Good to go?” he asks as he looks up at me.
I nod once. “Yeah, you gonna tell me where we’re going?”
He shrugs as he pushes off the couch and slides his phone into his pocket. “Out.”
I shake my head even though he’s not looking at me as I follow him out the back to his truck. It’s not until we’re driving down the street does Reid turn and look at me. “I need to get some stuff, something for Sie,” he says, shrugging. “You got anything for Ruby?”
“What?” I ask, confused.
“Dude, shit,” he says, rolling his eyes again. “It’s Christmas tomorrow, you got anything for your girl or what?”
“It is?”
“Oh my god,” Reid says, shaking his head and I’ve known him long enough to know how annoyed he is now.
He doesn’t say anything more though, just drives and eventually we pull up to a mall. As Reid parks his truck, I turn to him. “We meeting the girls?”
He shakes his head. “We are not meeting the girls.”
“So we’re…”
He gets out and I follow, walking around to join him at the front of the truck. “We’re getting you out of the house,” he says, slapping a hand on my shoulder. “And getting Ruby something for Christmas so you don’t fuck that up, and then you and I are talking.”
“We’re what?”
Reid tilts his head toward the entrance. “Let’s go,” he says, not answering my question.
We spend an hour or so wandering around, neither of us talking about anything serious. We both pick up a few things for Sie and Ruby, ignoring the obvious elephant that’s following us around. Eventually, Reid leads the way up to the food area, heading toward a sports bar that’s tucked in the back corner. I follow him inside, taking a seat beside him at the bar.
We both order a drink and some food and it’s not until our drinks are in front of us does Reid finally turn to me. “Okay,” he starts, taking a sip of his beer. “You wanna tell me what’s going on?”
I stare at my glass of coke, wishing it was something stronger. “What do you mean?”
Reid exhales, but it’s not in annoyance, more in frustration. “Caleb, come on,” he says, looking sideways at me. “The therapist?”
I roll my eyes, turning back to the bartender and wondering if I shouldn’t just say fuck it and order a beer, regardless of the pact I made with Ruby. I hate the idea of doing that though, even if right now, a beer is exactly what I want.
“You know it would be good for you,” Reid says, apparently oblivious to the fact I don’t even want to talk about it.
“Oh yeah?” I ask, not bothering to hide my annoyance.
“Yeah,” he says, hand on my shoulder. “So why the fuck aren’t you going?”
I take a deep breath in, forcing myself to stay calm and not react to what he’s asking me.
“Caleb?”
“What?”
Reid exhales, shaking his head a little. “Why are you so against this?” he eventually asks.
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
“Yeah, you do,” he says, taking another sip of his beer. “Talk to me, dude,” he continues. “You know I’ve got your back, right.”
I nod, staring into my coke. “Yeah, I know,” I admit.
“So?”
“So I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” I say, my words rushed and harsher than they should be. “Not with you, not with Ruby and sure as shit not with a fucking therapist.”
“Why?” Reid asks, not giving me an out.
I glance over at him. “Really?”
“Yeah, really,” he says, eyes wide as if to say, why the fuck do you think I’m asking.
I shake my head, letting out a long breath. “How the fuck am I even supposed to explain this, Reid,” I eventually say. “Who’s ever going to understand this shit?”
“I don’t know, a therapist,” he suggests, his tone half sarcastic, half playful.
I glance at him, brow raised. “Seriously?”
Reid grins, taking another sip of beer and pausing as the waitress drops off our food. When she’s gone, he grabs his burger, lifting it to his mouth. Before he takes a bite though, he stops, looking at me as he says, “You know that’s their job right, to deal with this kinda stuff.” It’s not even said as a question and before I have a chance to answer, he looks away, taking a bite of his burger.
The two of us eat in silence for a few minutes. I’m not really sure what he expects me to say or do. He has to know that I don’t want to talk about what happened back in Providence, none of us do. Not him, not me and not Sienna.
But it doesn’t mean any of us think it didn’t happen. Of course we know it happened, it’s impossible to fucking ignore. But why rehash the past? What the fuck is that ever going to do?
Eventually Reid puts his half-eaten burger down, taking another sip of his beer, before wiping his hand across his mouth. “Tell me what’s stopping you.”
I look over quickly before turning back to my barely eaten food. “I don’t know,” I say. “I just don’t want to talk about it.”
“Not talking about it isn’t going to make it go away.”
“So, what,” he throws back. “You’d rather not talk about it and let it fester inside you, making everything worse, ruining every chance at you having a normal life, of moving on?”
“Fuck, Reid,” I exhale, shaking my head in annoyance. “What the hell man?”
He says nothing and from the corner of my eye I watch as he finishes his burger before taking another sip of his beer. Eventually, he turns to face me, his elbow resting on the bar as he waits until I look at him.
“What happened to you was shit, Caleb,” he starts, his voice calm. “No one’s disputing that. Back in Providence, and here,” he continues. “But you can’t go on like this. It’s not healthy for you, it’s not healthy for us and it’s definitely not healthy for whatever it is you’ve got going on with Ruby.”
My eyes close as my head falls, wishing to fuck I could make all of this just fucking disappear. I thought I was doing that, that somehow, I was making things better, that I was getting better. But then everything that happened with Ruby’s professor has just fucked all of that up again.
“Do you really want to ruin what you have going with Ruby because you aren’t willing to talk about things?” Reid says, his voice low.
I lift my head, my eyes meeting his. “Aren’t you worried about ruining things with Sie?”
Reid shakes his head at me but doesn’t look away. “Low blow, dude, seriously,” he says, but I can tell he’s more disappointed than pissed off. “And for the record, Sie and I talk. A lot. We talk about everything. And yeah, we both know this is fucked up and it’s going to take god knows what to fix it, but we don’t bury this shit.”
“So why can’t I just talk to Ruby?” I say, annoyed.
Reid exhales. “You can,” he says, his hand moving to my shoulder. “But what happened to you, it’s…it’s more than everything else,” he says. “Sie and I have shared history, but you and Ruby don’t. It doesn’t make this any less real, but don’t make her carry this burden, don’t make her feel like she has to be the one to fix things.”