by Claire Raye
“Yeah, I get that,” she whispers, her lips brushing against mine now. “Why don’t I come with you? Hang out for a while?”
Her suggestion does something to me, the same thing all of her words and actions of support for me do. My heart flips in my chest, my body crying out for her as I wrap my arms around her and pull her so she’s fully lying on top of me. Brushing the hair back from her face, I ease her back a little so I can look into her eyes.
“I’d like that.”
She smiles down at me but says nothing more as she lowers her mouth to mine and makes sure today will be a good day.
An hour or so later, we finally drag ourselves out of bed. “You wanna go grab lunch somewhere before I head into work?” I ask, laughing a little when Ruby shoots me a surprised look. “What?”
She shakes her head once, as though clearing it. “No, nothing and yeah, that would be good.”
I smile, reaching for her hand and lifting it to my mouth to kiss the back of it. “I’m gonna go take a shower then. You wanna join me?”
Ruby gives me a smirk. “If I do that, then we’ll never get to lunch.”
I laugh. “Or, we’ll work up a big appetite?”
Now it’s Ruby laughing and I swear just hearing the sound puts a smile on my face and makes everything seem a little easier to deal with.
“Well, you want to?” I ask, when she doesn’t say anything.
Ruby watches me, that easy smile on her face as she bites her bottom lip. Just as I’m about to ask her again, she raises a brow, the smile of hers turning a little bit sexier as she walks toward me, smacks me on the ass and whispers, “See you in there.”
After we’re finally showered and dressed, I take her hand and we head outside and down toward the streets filled with restaurants and bars. It’s a beautiful day and even though it’s the middle of winter, the sun is still shining.
“I don’t think I’m ever going to get used to winter without snow.”
Ruby smiles, slipping her arm around my waist as she tucks herself against my side. “I used to think that too,” she says. “Winter is supposed to be white and cold and…” she pauses, waving her hand around in front of us, “not like this.”
I laugh, kissing the top of her head. “You miss living in Tahoe?”
She shrugs. “Yes and no. Do you miss Providence?”
“Nope, not at all,” I say quickly. “That place became a nightmare the second Reid and Sie left.”
“Because of everything that happened?” she asks, looking up at me.
“That and the fact they’d left,” I say, surprised at how easy the words are coming today. “We’d always had this plan that we’d leave as soon as we finished school. Move somewhere far away and the three of us would get a place together. Forget all about the crap we left behind.”
Ruby leans her head on my shoulder as we walk, one arm around my waist, the other now holding my hand in hers. “It must have been hard when they left.”
I take a deep breath, my mind going back to that day, to the angry words Sienna had yelled at me as the three of us stood outside the airport before she’d pulled me into a tight hug, apologizing profusely as she instead begged me to come with them. Reid had watched us both, his face dark, but his eyes filled with a hurt I knew he was trying to hide.
It had killed me to watch them walk into the terminal because it wasn’t that I didn’t want to go with them, I did, desperately. But it felt like I couldn’t. I couldn’t just walk away from everything our grandfather had tried to build and everything our stupid father had been in the process of destroying.
And even though I knew my stupidity for staying wasn’t going to stop them from living out our dream, watching them leave had been one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do. At least I’d thought that at the time.
But I hadn’t known just how bad things were, or how much worse they were going to get.
“Do you regret not going with them?” Ruby asks, and I realize it’s the first time she’s ever asked me that.
“Yeah, I do,” I admit, knowing I’ve never told anyone the real truth about my decision to stay. “It’s one of my biggest regrets.”
Ruby squeezes my hand, as though she sensed that. “I wonder if we’d have ever met if you had come out two years ago,” she says, almost to herself.
I let out a laugh. “That’s the shitty thing in all of this actually,” I say, stopping as I turn to her, my hands cupping her face now. “As much as I wish I could undo everything from the past two years, I never would because all of it has led me to you.”
The smile Ruby gives me somehow cuts through the shit inside my head and makes me feel amazing. And when she pushes up on her toes to kiss me, I wrap my arms around her and pull her close, the two of us kissing in the middle of the street, oblivious to everyone around us.
When we eventually pull back, I wrap my arm around her shoulder as we continue walking. “You think you’ll move back to Lake Tahoe after school?” I ask, knowing that despite everything we’ve been through, everything we are still going through, we’ve never really talked about the future or what that looks like for us.
“I don’t know,” she says with a sigh. “Do you think you’ll stay in Hawthorn?”
I smile. “I’ll go wherever you go, Ruby.”
“Really?” she asks, glancing up at me in surprise.
“Really.”
“What about…” she trails off, turning away from me. “What about Reid and Sie and your plan to be together?”
I take a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Yeah, I mean that was the plan, but I guess things are different now. They have each other.” I glance down at her, chuckling a little at the way her brows are narrowed as though she doesn’t like my answer. “Don’t get me wrong,” I continue, smoothing my thumb across her forehead. “I’d love to be close to them, wherever they end up, but I want to be with you more.” Ruby watches me with an unreadable expression on her face. “What?”
“We’ve never really talked about the future like this,” she says, her words quiet as though she’s afraid to say them out loud.
“I know,” I admit. “And given everything that’s going on, I’m not sure I should be thinking about a future too much when I have no idea whether it’s even a possibility.”
“Yes, you should,” she says, her hand on my chest. “Whatever happens, you still have a future, Caleb. We still have a future.”
“Even if I go to jail?”
“You’re not going to jail,” she says quickly.
“I might.”
Ruby shakes her head. “No, you won’t,” she says. “It’s your first offense. There are extenuating circumstances, you’re—”
“I attacked a guy, a college professor no less.”
“Who was jerking off while spying on me,” she quickly adds and even just hearing the words makes my blood boil. “What he was doing was wrong, Caleb.”
“Yeah,” I murmur.
We walk in silence for a few minutes, neither of us talking anymore. I can only guess at what Ruby’s really thinking, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t involve having a felon for a boyfriend. And as much as she might like to think we could survive that, I know we couldn’t. A criminal record will follow me everywhere and I wouldn’t want that for her. It’s bad enough that I’m putting her through all of this now.
Eventually we come to a café that’s half-empty and Ruby stops. “You wanna eat here?” I ask.
Ruby nods, turning to me. “Yes, here’s fine,” she says, looking up at me, her arms still around my waist as she makes no move to go inside.
“You okay?” I ask her.
“Yes,” she says. I turn to open the door for her, but she still doesn’t move. “Caleb?”
“Yeah?”
She smiles up at me, her hand cupping my cheek. “I know what you’re thinking,” she starts. “But I want to tell you when I picture my future, all I see is a future with you. We will get through this.” I open my mouth
to speak, but she continues before I get a chance. “And thank you for talking to me about all of this. I know it’s not easy for you.”
Then she presses a quick kiss to my lips before she takes my hand and leads me inside.
After lunch, we head over to the bar, Ruby hanging out with me as I face my first day back at work since everything happened. Thankfully it’s pretty quiet with most students still out of town and everyone else still hungover from New Year’s.
By the time we head home with some dinner for everyone, I’m feeling more relaxed about things. Today has been a good day and I know all of that is because of Ruby.
And as we slide into bed, I can’t resist pulling her close and showing her just how much she means to me. How much I need her and want her and will do anything to hang on to her.
I want to believe her vision of the future can include us and just knowing she wants that makes me realize I will do anything and everything I can to make that future a reality.
Despite how good the day is though, it doesn’t stop the nightmare from waking me when we finally fall asleep. Glancing at the clock, I see it’s a little after two.
My heart is pounding in my chest, my arms and legs restless as my brain tries to process what this latest dream was about.
“You wanna talk about it?” Ruby mumbles, moving closer.
I exhale, scrubbing a hand down my face. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“It’s okay,” she says, her voice still husky with sleep. “What was your dream about?”
I take another deep breath, my eyes on the ceiling. “I don’t know. Us, the trial, everything,” I say, unsure if I really want to go into detail. A part of me hopes Ruby is sleepy enough that she’ll fall back to sleep and I won’t have to tell her anything.
But then I feel her hand on my chest as she says, “It might help,” and I know she’s not going to.
But instead of telling her about my dream, I roll onto my side, facing her as I pull her closer and say, “Can I ask you something?”
Ruby blinks her eyes open. “Of course.”
I brush the hair back from her face, not sure if I’m going to regret this or not. “Will you come with me next week?”
“To see your therapist?” she asks. “Of course.”
“No, I mean, will you come into the appointment with me?” I ask. “Be there when I talk to her?”
Ruby swallows and although it’s dark in her room, I don’t miss the confusion and uncertainty on her face at my request. “Of course,” she eventually whispers.
I pull her closer so her face is buried against my chest as I close my eyes and try to control the anxiety I can already feel building. Not just at the idea of Ruby being there when I spill my secrets, but what she’ll think when she hears about this latest dream.
Liz and I had spoken of my inability to sleep again, how my nightmares have returned but aren’t just about Providence and all the shit I went through back there, but now also include all the crap that’s happened here too.
But this is the first time I’ve had a dream that’s included Ruby. And it scares the fuck out of me because I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean.
Chapter Seventeen
Ruby
A new year is supposed to bring new adventures, but we’re just happy with quiet and uneventful. Caleb’s first day back at work went well, routine and dare I say it, normal. I hate that he had a nightmare, but with the rising sun the next morning, things seemed to have dissipated, like it didn’t even happen. And now he’s off at work, hopefully pushing through.
We still have another week till the spring semester begins, but I can feel it breathing down my neck. Being able to be home with Caleb during all of this has been great. It’s made it easier to navigate things with him and be there for him. With this being the end of my junior year, my classes are about to get harder, the workload heavier and the time more pressing. Beyond that though is the fact that I’m going to have to go back into a lecture hall where Professor Keller could possibly be my teacher again.
It’s been clouding my brain for the last few hours, living there in the back of my mind that’s already filled with too much worry and doubt.
“Have you checked to see if he’s listed as the instructor?” Sie asks, as we sit side by side on the couch, talking about whether I need to be worried about this or not. I haven’t said a word to Caleb about it and I’ve sworn Sienna to secrecy.
“Like a million times, but it’s still listed at TBD. Like what the hell is that? Classes start in a week. Why doesn’t the university have their shit together?”
I need someone to blame, someone to help ease this anxiety that flows through my body like an electric current. I drag a hand through my hair, catching on a few knots making me realize I haven’t showered yet today.
“In their defense they’re always hiring adjunct staff at the last minute to fill positions and maybe they’re actually trying to arrange it so you don’t have him,” Sie tosses out there. She shrugs as she looks at me, as equally unsure as I am.
“Do you really think a university this size is concerned about me and who my professor is?” I’m not trying to be argumentative, but every word I say comes out that way.
“Given your boyfriend beat him up for jacking off outside your bedroom window, I would damn well hope so. I can’t believe he wasn’t fired on the spot.”
This is something we’ve talked about endlessly. It’s something that comes up at least once a day between us because the ludicrousness of it is so appalling. How do you keep someone on staff who was witnessed doing something that most would be arrested for? But he’s a high profile professor and Caleb is a loose cannon with mental health issues and if you believe everything you read, he’s an alcoholic, a drug addict and a thief. None of which are true, but when you’re up against an esteemed professor, it doesn’t matter what is fact or fiction.
“No one cares to ask me how I feel about it. The university never once interviewed me and when I questioned them about my spring semester’s courses, they even told me I should consider another major or transfer to another school,” I tell Sie, even though she’s heard this all before. I just keep repeating it in the hopes I’ll eventually process what it means.
But I know what it means. It means what Caleb saw wasn’t valid. It means that my safety isn’t a priority to the university and it means that if you have enough money, a big enough reputation, you can get away with anything.
“Have you considered that?” she now asks, her words feather light as if she doesn’t want to really know the answer.
“Fuck no.”
“Good,” she says, a devilish smirk on her face. “This isn’t over for any of us, you know that, right? We’ve spent all this time focusing on Caleb, but you are part of this, too.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s hard to see it that way because what’s happening to Caleb is so much bigger. Do you think anything will happen to Professor Keller?” I ask, apprehension plaguing my tone.
“I like to hope so, but I have no idea,” Sienna responds. “This would be one of those times where Reid’s dad would come in handy. He could pay him a visit.” Even though I know she’s joking, her humor catches me off guard.
I shake my head, not wanting to shame her for trying to make a joke, but the reality is, it’s something Caleb struggles with every single day. He doesn’t say it out loud, yet it’s there. He’s alluded to it and I know he worries he’s no better than Reid’s dad. He worries what he did to Professor Keller makes him just as much of a vigilante, just as impulsive and reckless. These are all things that need to be discussed with his therapist and I just keep holding out hope that he gets there.
“Sorry, that was in poor taste,” Sienna now adds, looking down at her feet.
“Nah, I got that it was a joke. Sometimes that’s all we can do is try to make light of it or it will eat us alive.”
“Does it scare him?” she now asks, not elaborating enough.
; “Does what scare him?” I ask, wondering if she can read my thoughts.
“Does it scare him that he lost control like that?”
Her words churn bile from my stomach up into my throat. It’s a question I ask myself daily. I would say yes, and every time I think of it the answer is yes, but I haven’t found the courage to ask him out loud. He worries about me and has asked if he scares me, but we’ve never gone as far to flip the question, to ask if he scares himself.
“He doesn’t talk about it, but I would think it does.” These conversations aren’t my favorite. I never want to give too much away or share something Caleb may not want Sie to know. They may be siblings, but he doesn’t share everything with her.
Before Sienna can answer me, our conversation is cut short by the slamming of the back door and the sound of heavy feet traipsing through the kitchen.
“Motherfucker!” Caleb’s voice calls out, causing both Sie and I to jump up from the couch and hurry toward it.
His hand slams down hard on the counter and with it he tosses a large manila envelope. “Fuck!” he yells out now, reaching up and banging an open cabinet closed. With his elbows resting on the counter, his head falls between his arms, and I watch his body heave with each breath he takes.
“Caleb, what happened?” Sienna asks, the sympathy radiating from her words, but it does nothing to ease the tension that now fills the room.
“What happened?” His words are sour, his expression matching and all he does is shake his head. “This fucking happened,” he now says, thrusting the envelope at Sienna and storming out of the room.
She looks at me, her eyes as wide as saucers and her throat shifts as she swallows hard and opens the envelope.
“What’s it say?” I whisper, trying to keep my words quiet, but the need to know is burning inside me.
“It’s a civil case. He’s being sued by Professor Keller for damages from the assault,” Sienna says, and I swear I hear her wrong.
This can’t be happening. Ed told us he’d only be dealing with the criminal case brought against him by the state and even that was going to go away. Caleb doesn’t have a record. He isn’t a violent person and all of this was supposed to be gone after his hearing next week. This was supposed to be a forgotten memory.