by Claire Raye
“Wait, what?” I ask, my head snapping back to Liz in surprise.
She offers me a gentle smile as she places the notepad and her pen on the coffee table separating us. “Talk to her, Caleb,” she says, gesturing toward Ruby. “I know you feel like everything you have to say is a burden, but it’s not. This is your relationship and communication is key, regardless of how…how crappy you think that might be.”
Ruby lets out a soft laugh. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Liz says, smiling at her. “You’re important in all of this,” she adds. “But I also want to remind you that you aren’t here to fix him, okay. Your job in all of this is just to be his girlfriend. Someone he can talk to, nothing else.”
Ruby’s smile widens as though she actually likes the idea. “I can absolutely do that,” she says, reaching for my hand. “Absolutely.”
We spend the rest of my session talking about managing my sleeping and the alternatives to sleeping pills, but truth be told, I don’t really take much of it in. The whole thing has just been bizarre and I still can’t figure out if having Ruby here was a good thing or a bad thing.
I’m leaning toward a good thing, but given we’ve barely spoken since we got in the car, I’m not entirely sure.
“Where are we going?” I eventually ask as Ruby drives past the turn off to our street.
She looks over and smiles before turning back to the road, not saying anything. I don’t ask anymore questions, just watch as she drives toward the beach, finally pulling into the parking area. After she’s switched off the ignition, she reaches into the back seat for a blanket, before turning back to me.
“Come on,” is all she says before she gets out of the car.
I follow her wordlessly down to the sand, watching as she sits down, wrapping the blanket around her shoulders, but holding out half in invitation for me to sit beside her. I do and we sink into a comfortable silence, both of us watching the handful of surfers who are braving the colder temperatures in the hopes of catching a wave.
“So, what’d you think?” I finally ask, after what feels like forever.
Ruby turns to me, a smile on her face. “Tell me something, one thing.” I raise a brow in question and she laughs. “Doctor’s orders remember. It’s just one thing, Caleb, that’s all.”
I take a deep breath as my eyes find the ocean again. “Doesn’t make it any less hard to say.”
Ruby moves closer, her hand sliding onto my thigh as she leans her head against my shoulder. “I know,” she says quietly.
I feel my heart beating hard inside my chest, my skin prickling with that all too familiar feeling of anxiety. “I’ve never told anyone even half the shit that’s happened or that’s inside my head,” I eventually say, almost to myself.
Ruby’s hand squeezes. “And when you tell me, you won’t have to carry it alone.”
I can’t help but smile, even as I shake my head in disbelief. Turning, I slip my arms around her, pulling her closer so she’s now straddling me. Ruby smiles, her hands coming up to cup my face. “You’re fucking amazing, you know that right?”
She shrugs as if to say, of course, even as she leans in to kiss me. “I’m never going to judge you for any of this, Caleb.” Her words are a whisper against my mouth, almost as though they have barely been spoken.
“Even if I tell you bad things?”
“Yep, even then.”
Closing my eyes, I take another deep breath, my arms slipping around her ass as I hold her in my lap. “I wished every day that I’d gone to Hawthorn with Reid and Sie,” I whisper, our eyes locked as we sit cocooned in our blanket on the sand. “Every day and every night after they left, I wished I’d been selfish enough to leave with them. I kept telling myself I’d done the right thing by staying, but deep down, I didn’t give a fuck about the right thing, I just wished I’d gone.”
Ruby’s breath catches and she swallows hard as her hands slide to the back of my neck, her arms wrapping around me. “You’ve never told them this, have you?”
I shake my head. “No,” I admit. “I always felt guilty thinking it too, knowing they were away and safe and I had been a part of that. But…”
I trail off, not knowing if I can admit the rest. How a part of me hated both of them for being able to leave, to so easily walk away from everything we’d been desperate to escape from. How they could so easily walk away from me. But how I hated myself even more for even feeling like this, for thinking all those things, especially when I’d been the one to tell them to go.
Ruby’s hand brushes against my cheek as her eyes search my face.
I want to tell her more, unburden myself from all of this, from everything that I’m forced to carry, but the only thing I can think to say is, “Reid and Sie don’t know about this, so please don’t tell them.”
“Never,” she breathes out, brushing her lips against mine. “I’m here for you, Caleb. Always you.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Ruby
It’s the first time I’ve set foot on campus since everything happened with Professor Keller and Caleb. It feels weird, but it also feels normal. It’s where I’ve spent the last three years and so many days I couldn’t even begin to count.
Classes haven’t even started yet, but I’m here to pick up a few books and get myself organized. Mila is set to arrive soon along with my parents to get her moved in and settled, so I feel like that will take up more of my time than any of us want to admit to. Despite Mila telling me she has no interest in my help, I’m sure that will change.
I pull my schedule up on my phone as I wander through the already crowded aisles of the bookstore. I’m obviously not the only one who decided the week before classes would be a good time to shore up any last minute things. The entire store is dotted with students all with their phones glowing in front of their faces.
I grab a few books, stacking them in my arms as I work my way over to the next section, balancing my phone on the top of the precariously placed tower. I can’t seem to find what I’m looking for and have to set the stack down, which is when I hear the hushed whispers of voices coming from an aisle over.
I stop what I’m doing, just listening to see if I can hear any of what they’re saying. Since everything went down with Professor Keller, I’ve had this nagging feeling people have been talking about me, and rightfully so given the situation. Gossip spreads fast on college campuses and this one is no different.
It was easy to get by these last few weeks because I could avoid seeing people with classes not in session and the campus all but deserted due to winter break. But now I’m finding as everyone trickles back in, the quiet words of people are making their way back to me.
There are rumors that the college newspaper is building a story on the events of what happened with Caleb and Professor Keller, but no one has come to interview him. It feels like it will go the route of everything that has happened since.
The story will be loaded with glowing sentiments about Professor Keller, never taking into account that what he was rumored to be doing was true. Caleb has been portrayed by the local media, and even the police, as a loose cannon with anger issues and a past that automatically makes him a criminal. Even though the police and the district attorney have dropped all charges, the story is still out there. It’s circulating and changing, like a giant game of telephone.
And no one cares to hear Caleb’s side of what happened.
Although I’m not sure he’d be willing to share. This whole thing has been more stress on top of an already stressful situation. He’s been coping with his PTSD, a move across the country, and finding his place in a strange, new environment. He’s been looking to put everything behind him for so long.
I’m still squatting on the floor when the whispers turn a little louder, each person’s voice ringing out among the shuffling of feet and stacking of books.
“I heard she was having an affair with Professor Keller and her boyfriend found out,” a voice says with a disguste
d tone. “I’m sure she was doing poorly in his class and thought sleeping with him would help.”
I’m nauseous, a sick feeling rising in my throat along with the sting of tears burning my nose. Obviously I don’t know if they’re actually talking about me, but who else would it be?
“That would totally explain why he beat the shit out of Professor Keller. So uncalled for,” another voice adds dramatically and I practically see her eyes rolling.
“He’s so hot,” someone now says and I’m sure my face is screwed up into an angry, judgmental scowl. “I’d have an affair with him and not give it a second thought. Fuck his wife. I’m sure she’s a bitch anyway.”
They all cackle, a laugh so nauseating it takes everything in me not to stand up and scream fuck off in their faces.
“Well, I heard Professor Keller is a peeping tom,” someone now quips, but her words sound far too intrigued to be appalled.
This conversation is out of control and far more disturbing than what even happened between Caleb and Professor Keller, but the minuscule amount of truth makes me continue to listen, wondering just where it will go.
“Oh my fucking god, he could peep me all day. I’d even purposely open the blinds,” a high-pitched voice squeals.
There’s no way she means this. She has no idea the invasion of privacy or how unsafe it makes you feel. It all may be a joke or something they just love to gossip about, but on the other end of it are people’s lives: Caleb’s and mine.
Since this happened, I struggle with the constant fear that someone is outside my house. The only thing that continually brings me back to normalcy is the fact that I live with Caleb and Reid. If it were just Sienna and me, I’m not sure either of us would’ve been able to stay in the house.
Again, they all laugh, echoing the disgusting sentiment of the girl who longs to have her life fucked with by someone watching her without her permission. The only reason this is even a conversation is because Professor Keller is attractive. If he were some drifter or he wasn’t nearly as attractive as Professor Keller then they’d be up in arms and throwing an epic fit. They’d demand everyone pay attention to them and press charges against the guy who stole any semblance of privacy from them. But in my case, I’ve let it go, trying to act like it didn’t happen, because trying to find someone on my side is nearly impossible.
I’ve talked with Ed and even my dad, who have both advised me to move on. The police aren’t interested in the real story, especially when it paints Professor Keller in the worst possible light. No one believes it, but they certainly love to talk about it like it’s tabloid fodder.
I wait for them to leave, unable to pull myself off the floor and confront them like I should. My first thought is Caleb and the last thing I want to do is draw more attention to something he’s trying desperately to avoid.
Classes haven’t even started and this will probably be one of many encounters like this, so I either need to learn to let it roll off my back or become more vocal.
I take in a deep breath and scrub my hands over my face before I stand up, gathering the strength to not only let this shit go but to also heave this massive stack of books off the floor.
But when my hands slide down my face, I’m confronted with a girl standing in front of me. Her hands are on her hips and her perfectly made up face is impassive. She hasn’t said anything, but judging by the way she’s looming over me, she isn’t here to offer a hand to help me up.
“Whatever you’re about to say, I don’t care to hear it,” I immediately say, still bothered by what happened just moments ago.
I grab my books, cradling what I do have in my arms as I start to walk away. I don’t have the patience or the resolve for this today and I’m even debating dropping the books I do have and bailing. I knew I should’ve placed the damn order online and picked them up. I could’ve avoided all of this if I hadn’t been so ambitious.
The girl follows me. She’s all long dark hair and a tiny frame, roughly about my size, and I’m pretty sure if I needed to, I could either out run her or kick her ass.
“Can you wait a second?” she calls out, slowing her pace a little and I do the same. Her question is asked with sincerity and without even a small bite to her words. She could be a great actress though and given the situation, people, mostly the girls on campus, are all about supporting Professor Keller.
I turn to face her, my books still in my arms and I bite down on my lip as I wait for her to say something. She looks surprised now, her mouth in a small O shape as she swallows and shuffles her feet a little.
I don’t think she expected me to stop and now she’s caught trying to figure out how to handle it. I shift my weight, the books pressing into my arms making this whole encounter even more uncomfortable than it already is.
I purse my lips, thrusting my chin forward and my eyebrows go up as if to tell her to get moving because I’m not going to stand here all day. I’m annoyed and on edge and I’m not interested in standing here while this girl finally finds her words.
When she says nothing, I shove the books in my arms onto the shelf next to me, grab my phone from the top, and storm out of the bookstore. All I want to do is go home and forget this idiotic day ever happened.
I know people will talk. I understand that gossip is fueled by boredom and intrigue. I get that what happened is unusual and something you don’t hear about often on college campuses, but I need people to remember there are lives behind all of this. Not just Caleb’s and mine. There’s Professor Keller and while I have no sympathy for him, I do for his wife and his kids. They’re as much a part of this as I am and after running into them at that restaurant all those weeks ago, I don’t think she’s buying his bullshit story that Caleb attacked him without reason.
The way she looked at me, the way she failed to speak, showed she felt threatened and there’s a reason for that. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened even if it’s never been talked about.
I’m stomping away, fuming mad and feeling like shit when the girl chases after me. She grabs for my shoulder, stopping me in a way that’s jarring and intrusive.
“What?” I call out, whipping around to look at her.
“I’m sorry about what those girls said about you and your boyfriend,” she spits out quickly but shakily.
I shake my head with my lips curled into a sneer, ready to bite back at her, wondering why she even cares.
“I’ve been there,” she now says, her brown eyes filled with tears as she quickly looks at her feet.
“What?” I now say again, but this time my word is softer, my face softening with it, too.
“I reported it to the university but no one cared. No one did anything.” Her words are nearly a whisper now and I look around quickly to see if anyone can hear us.
There are few people moving about, but most are minding their own business and not close enough to hear the conversation.
“You reported what?” I now ask, probing for more, but somehow feeling badly for longing to hear this girl’s story. I don’t want to participate in gossip because I know how it feels to be shit on, but she came to me. She’s sharing something she feels connects us.
“He assaulted me. He broke into my house and attacked me.”
“Who?” Suddenly I’m hit with this scary, shocking nightmare that she may not be talking about Professor Keller and maybe she’s talking about Caleb.
Never.
He would never do something like that, and I hate myself for even thinking it.
“Professor Keller,” she says, breaking down, the tears streaming down her face in little rivers.
Again I look around, moving so I’m now standing next to her. We don’t know each other, we’ve never talked or interacted, but I feel drawn to her. I feel the need to console her.
“No one believes me,” she stutters out, her breath ragged and I put an arm around her shoulders.
“I don’t think this is the place to have this conversation,” I pro
mpt, pushing her a little so she starts walking.
There’s a small group of tables, at one end of the quad, shaded by trees and backed by a parking lot. Both are empty and as secluded as it isn’t, it’s just enough. I don’t want to be anywhere alone with this girl because if I’ve learned anything from this fucking mess, it’s that the most respected person can be your worst nightmare.
“So what happened?” I ask her after we’ve sat down, giving her my full attention, but also my deepest sympathy.
“I was having an affair with him.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Caleb
I’m back sitting in the therapist’s room. Alone this time because Ruby had shit to do for school, which is starting again soon. A part of me wishes I could have gone with her, to protect her from the gossip and rumors about me and what I did that I know must be swirling around the campus. I’d heard enough of it when I first went back to work and although I tried to ignore it, I caught enough to know that people were still talking about it.
Fuck knows what Ruby was now hearing and it scared the shit out of me just thinking about it.
“Caleb, hi, how are you feeling today?” Liz asks as she sits down across from me.
I shrug. “Okay I guess.” It’s only been two days since I last saw her. It’s not like much has changed.
“No Ruby this time?”
I shake my head. “No, she had stuff to do for school.”
Liz gives me a smile. “Was everything okay between you two after the last session?”
“Yeah,” I say, exhaling. “No worse anyway.”
“And did you do as I suggested?”
I stare back at her, watch as she gives me a look that might almost be a smirk. A half smile tugs at the corner of my mouth as I reply, “Yeah, I did. Doctor’s orders, remember?”