There probably aren’t any gold medals in my future (never say never!), but I don’t doubt that there are many glorious moments ahead. Every Saturday morning, I take my girls to the pool and watch them splash around, falling in love with the water just like I did when I was their age, and I am so grateful that I have them in my life. It was all worth it, every dark moment, for the gift that is these two beautiful creatures. They drive me nuts, they have tantrums, they’re unreasonable, they demand so much of my attention, but they are totally, absolutely, unbelievably worth it. They have made me a better person.
Today, I am calmer and more confident than I have ever been. Life experiences have given me greater clarity. I know now that swimming, as much as I loved it and continue to love it, is just a sport. It’s a game and it should be fun. When a game causes anxiety or grief or pummelling self-doubt, it’s a problem.
Funnily enough, I think that if I could go back and have my time in the pool again with what I know now, I’d be a better swimmer, because I’m far more capable of letting go than I ever was as a younger person. After everything I’ve been through, I feel like I know myself that much more, and I appreciate everything that much more. And no matter what life brings, I know it will be okay in the end.
My mum, Marilyn, my brother, Stewy, and me, still not even a year old, in 1985.
Hanging with my siblings Stewy, Justine and Victoria in 1986.
Playing with the big kids in 1987—even when I was two I was competitive!
Me in 1988. Growing up, our world seemed to be built around water, whether it was swimming at home, going to the beach, or hanging out along The Strand in Townsville.
Rome, 1993. Mum took us on a trip around Europe all by herself.
Staying at the Dockside Apartments, Brisbane. A small-town kid in the big city, heading to the 1995 State Championships.
Me (left), competing against Sarah Bowd and Tanya McDonald at the State Primary School Championships, 1996.
At the Brisbane School Metros, 1997.
The final day of high school with my best friends, Jess, Casey and Leith, who I met there on day one.
Breaking the world record in the 100-metre freestyle at the National Championships in 2004 in a time of 53.66 seconds. This was the crowning glory of my career so far and the greatest rush I had experienced as an athlete. How about that facial reaction?! (Nick Laham/Getty Images)
So young and so in love—me in 2004 with Luke Trickett. We’d met at Sydney airport on our way to the Oceania Swimming Championships two years earlier.
Day one of the 2004 Athens Olympics. I couldn’t have dreamed of a better way to start my first Olympic Games. First event: a world record and a gold medal shared with Petria Thomas, Alice Mills and Jodie Henry. (Chris Ivin/ Getty Images)
Winning bronze in the 50-metre freestyle at Athens and hugging my idol, Inge de Bruijn of the Netherlands, who won gold. After a rollercoaster week of competition, this was a great moment. (Greg Wood/AFP/ Getty Images)
Melbourne Commonwealth Games, 2006. This was a personal highlight: winning my first 100-metres freestyle gold at an international competition. (Ross Land/Getty Images)
With Jodie Henry and Alice Mills after winning the 50-metre freestyle—my fifth gold—at the 2006 Melbourne Commonwealth Games. (Phil Walter/Getty Images)
It was a crazy day, but we had a lot of fun at our wedding in 2007.
Taking off for the 100-metre butterfly at the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games. (Tim Clayton/Sydney Morning Herald)
Leading the pack in lane four on my way to gold in the 100-metre butterfly in Beijing, with American Christine Magnuson (silver) in lane five and fellow Australian Jessicah Schipper (bronze) in lane three. (Adam Pretty/Getty Images)
Celebrating after the race with my coach, Stephan Widmer. (Martin Bureau/AFP/Getty Images)
The 100-metre butterfly gold medal presentation. No words can describe the relief, but this picture almost captures it. (Natalie Behring/ Bloomberg/Getty Images)
This was the best part—celebrating with Luke. (Mike Hewitt/Getty Images)
Congratulating Britta Steffen after she won the 100-metre freestyle in Beijing. I took silver. (Greg Wood/AFP/Getty Images)
Bronze in the 4×100-metre freestyle relay in Beijing: Melanie Schlanger, Alice Mills, Cate Campbell and me. (Adam Pretty/Getty Images)
With Emily Seebohm, Leisel Jones and Jessicah Schipper receiving the gold for the 4×100-metre medley relay on the final day of competition. Nothing better than singing your national anthem with three amazing women. (Jeff Gross/Getty Images)
Celebrating our record success at the Beijing Olympics with all of the Australian female swimming medallists. Top (left to right): Shayne Reese, Kylie Palmer, Bronte Barratt, Stephanie Rice, Linda Mackenzie, Emily Seebohm, Felicity Galvez, Angie Bainbridge. Bottom: Lara Davenport, Tarnee White, me, Leisel Jones, Jessicah Schipper. (Milan Scepanovic/Newspix)
Returning home after Beijing to the Sydney tickertape parade along George Street. (Craig Golding/Sydney Morning Herald)
With Mum and Luke after announcing my first retirement at the end of 2009. (Charmaine Wright)
Trying to transition to life after sport: presenting at the 2010 Pan Pacific Swimming Championships on Channel One. (Mark Chapman)
Returning to swimming for my third Olympic Games, London 2012. We won heat two of the 4×100-metre freestyle on day one and the team would go on to win in the final. (Clive Rose/Getty Images)
Mental illness has many faces. This was me in the midst of my darkest moments of postnatal depression. Poppy was only eight months old.
Moments after the birth of our second daughter, Edwina Daisy, in 2018. I was completely in shock that we had another girl!
Poppy meeting her baby sister for the first time. Heart explosion central!
Acknowledgements
To Luke, thank you for choosing me to share this crazy adventure of life. You have constantly encouraged and enabled me to be better, allowed me to be vulnerable and helped me to chase my dreams. I will be forever grateful for who you are, for our ridiculous sense of humour and the love you surround me with.
To Poppy, Edwina and Baby 3.0 (due in November 2019), being your mother is my proudest achievement. Nothing else will come close. You have all made me a better person and have helped to chart my course in everything that I will do in the future. You fill my heart with a love I never knew could exist. Thank you.
To my mum, your kindness and generosity has known no boundaries and I will always be thankful that I have had your love and guidance.
To Teen, Tootie and Stewy, thank you for being my first friends, helping to shape the person I have become. Things haven’t always been easy but you mean so much to me and I could not imagine my life without you in it.
To Stephan, you have been such an important role model in my life. Thank you for being the first person outside of my mum to believe in me. Thank you for teaching me to believe in myself and showing me what I was capable of. I owe so much of where I am today to you.
To my friends and extended family—Jess, Casey, Leith, Kate, Alice, Gregor, Lucas, Tia, Georgie, Ben, Rikki, Sam, Mitch, Kel, Clara and Nick. You guys are my chosen family and I’m the luckiest girl in the world. Thank you for the laughs and the love. I literally couldn’t ask for better people in my life.
To Simone, thank you for giving me a voice. Thank you for understanding me and what I wanted to achieve with telling my story. What an incredible gift you have; you are such a wonderful writer and I can’t wait to see what you do next.
To the team at Allen & Unwin, I still can’t believe that I got to have this amazing opportunity to tell my story and share my experiences. Thank you, Claire, for believing in me from the very beginning. Thank you, Tom and Tom, for supporting me every step of the way. What a wonderful group—I am so grateful that I got to share this little journey with the entire team!
To everyone who supported me during my swimming career, to everyone who stayed up late or woke up early to watc
h me swim, I don’t know if I could ever truly explain what that means to me—then and now. It’s hard to comprehend that a complete stranger would do that for you, but it’s a love I have had the privilege of feeling, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Beneath the Surface Page 20