by Lily Hayden
“Can you tell me what happened?” Rose felt Belle’s hand move to her arm, and she was surprised at the gentleness of her sister’s tone.
She must think I’ve lost it, Rose thought, but she opened her mouth to speak knowing that her sister deserved the truth.
“I spent the afternoon with Gareth,” she began feeling the words come of their own accord. “Do you know that I’ve never dated anyone since Phil left me?” She laughed bitterly at her own confession. “It’s embarrassingly pitiful. And it got me thinking how Phil was very much like Dad.
I’d never really thought about the similarities, but they were. He ran me down, didn’t help with the house, or the kids. Just like Dad did to Mum. I accepted it from Phil, and I knew deep down that I was a doormat. By the time he left me, I was a shell of a woman. I still am. My own sons have no respect for me; it’s not their fault though. How can they when I’ve got no respect for myself? I’m in so much debt, Belle. I was the top of my classes in school, and now I can’t even keep an entry-level call centre job. And I had never connected the way Phil treated me with the way I felt so worthless. And then I met Gareth, and it was wonderful, and I felt like I was someone. For the first time in twenty years, I felt like…” She trailed off as her eyes misted with tears knowing that her actions had put paid to any chance of a relationship with Gareth, but even that couldn’t extinguish the warmth in her belly knowing that someone good and kind could desire her. “And as I drove back here afterwards, I thought about Mum, and I thought how I would feel if I died and Phil gave everything to some woman he barely knew and not to the boys. How angry I would be if Tom or Jack desperately needed money, just like we did, and that Phil could help, and he chose someone else over them. How cold, and callous! I was overcome with anger, Belle. I’m not fiery like you or Tim, I find it hard to stand up for myself, but then I thought about how we had all let you down. We should have been there for you. We all knew that Dad would be useless when Mum was ill, and then when she died. I’m ashamed to say that I did know. I can pretend all I like that the thought never crossed my mind, but it did. The boys were still small, and Phil just made it so difficult for me to get here. The easy option was doing what he wanted, and I’m so ashamed to say that’s what I did.”
The memory of the anger that she’d felt came back to her, flaring through her veins just a shadow of the fury that she’d felt at Frank, and at Phil, and at herself for being so weak. The force of her epiphany had flattened her foot on the accelerator propelling her to Bluebell Farm to finally speak up. Even in her blind rage, she hadn’t believed for one moment that she could change Frank’s attitude towards them. But she was determined that she was about to stand up for herself, and the memory of her mother.
“I felt really angry,” she continued feeling the recollection of the emotion fade away and leaving her startlingly calm. “I knew that I had to say my piece to Dad. It wasn’t even about the money. I’m not naïve enough to think he wouldn’t cut us all out, but I was sick of pussy-footing around it and pretending that it was ok that he had clicked his fingers and summoned us all here after years of not giving a crap about us. When I first got the invitation, I thought this could be the beginning of a new relationship, but the cynical part of me thinks he was enjoying rubbing our faces in it. I had to say something.
And as I was approaching the turning to the farm, I saw Linda’s car. She mustn’t have seen me. I can’t think of any other reason otherwise why she wouldn’t have told the police. I was almost disappointed that she wouldn’t be there as I had wanted to give her a piece of my mind too. But then, I figured that she was just a stranger. This was between me and Dad. I knocked on the front door, and he answered it, but he didn’t invite me in. And that made me even angrier. This had been my home! This was Granny and Grandpa’s house. Not his. What right did he have to make their flesh-and-blood stand out in the darkness like a stranger? Who the hell did he think he was?”
Another bolt of anger struck out from the centre of her chest, just like it had that night. Words were exchanged. She didn’t remember them all. It was a furious blur of words and feelings spilling out into the darkness, marring the peace of the evening.
“We argued,” she said simply unable to recall the exact details. “It felt like it happened so quickly, but I think I couldn’t have been there for more than a few minutes.”
She pictured his eyes hardening when he realised that placid, obedient Rose was daring to speak out against him, and she heard his cruel laugh in her ears as he had stepped backwards into the hallway and pushed the heavy oak door towards her face. Shutting her out. The gesture, so cold, so dismissive, had taken her anger to another level. She could hear the blood rushing in her ears. So, so angry. She could feel it in her veins, in her nose, in her mouth. The fury was no longer just an emotion; it completely overwhelmed her.
“He tried to shut the door on me.” It all came back to her. Her mind must have blocked it out, knowing that seeing it again, reliving it, would be her undoing and she felt the memory coil like a vine around her lungs, crushing the air from them. She gasped for breath, unable to continue, and then Belle’s arms were around her, her hair tangled around her face and the coconut scent of her sister filled her nose and mouth bringing her back to the present.
“It’s ok, it’s ok,” her sister murmured into her ear, her arms cradling her back and forth softly.
Somewhere in the warm embrace of her sister, Rose found the strength to finish. “If I had knocked the back door, it wouldn’t have happened, but the front door was so heavy. He pushed it closed, and I pushed it back as hard as I could. It must have knocked him off his feet. There was a thud and a scuffle, and then the door swung back. I could see his slippers. I knew he was on the floor, but I didn’t think…”
She gulped as sobs began to rack her body.
“Rose,” Belle’s gentle voice was there again, centring her and keeping her from losing herself in the agony of the memory. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to be held, somehow feeling her mother’s comforting arms were around her through her spirited sister. “What happened next?”
“The door had swung back, so it was almost shut, but not quite,” she managed to speak between breathless sobs. “I pulled it closed, I think. And then I got in the car and drove back to the room. I don’t remember the drive back. I don’t remember how I got back, but then I showered, and I must have taken a sleeping tablet. I knew that there was no going back for our relationship, but I didn’t have the energy to just drive home. But, then they phoned and said he was dead.” Rose pulled herself free to look at her with beseeching eyes. “I didn’t know he was seriously hurt, or I would never have left him like that.”
Belle’s eyes were bright with shiny tears, and she released Rose; her hands reaching up to worry at her hair again.
“I expected to be arrested,” she continued. “I thought Linda must have seen me, but she couldn’t have. If they’d asked me, I would have told them.”
Her sister began to cry, and Rose felt the space between them widen. She knew that it was inevitable that they would be disgusted with her. She forced herself to her feet, straightening the strap of her handbag that was still hanging limply on her shoulder.
“I’ll go straight to the station,” she said gently. “I’m so sorry, Belle. Tell the others that I’m sorry, and that I love you all.”
Belle’s knees were pulled up onto the bench, her face hidden behind them, her shoulders shaking as she muffled her sobs against the denim of her jeans, and Rose’s heart ached as she turned away from her.
She had to accept that she would never see them again. She doubted she would get any visitors in prison, but that was ok. She was used to being alone. Hopefully, the will would still stand, and Belle would at least get something, but she knew that that was out of her control now. It was funny, but she had barely thought about how her arrest would impact Tom and Jack, she realised regretfully. But she thought that after the initial shock that they wou
ld be ok. They had Phil and his wife to go home to at holidays until they started their own families, and anyway, they both had their own lives now. They didn’t need her anymore.
“Wait!”
As she reached the car, a cry from behind her wrenched her from her thoughts, and she turned to see her sister rushing towards her, copper hair flying behind her in the breeze.
Rose stopped, watching Belle’s face anxiously, daring to hope for some final warmth before she made the journey to confess.
“Just wait.” Belle drew to a halt in front of her, and Rose could see a steely glint behind the red, puffiness of her sister’s teary eyes. “I need to think.”
“Belle, I…” Rose began tentatively, but Belle held a finger up to silence her.
“No,” she said firmly. “Just wait a second. It was a horrible accident, Rose, and I know that you didn’t mean for it to happen.”
“No,” Rose nodded in agreement. “I would never…”
“But it’s happened now,” she said determinedly. “And we can’t change it. But nobody else knows.”
“They think you…”
“They think!” Belle exclaimed, and Rose saw a glimmer of hope in her sister’s eyes. “That’s all they can do is think. I wasn’t anywhere near the house. Their identity parade won’t prove shit, because I wasn’t there. And now I know Will wasn’t, and Tim wasn’t, and for whatever reason, they think you being back here at nine or whenever completely eliminates you. So, if they never speak to you, they’ll never know.”
“But…”
“Listen,” Belle cut her off. “You will go to prison for this, Rose.”
“I know,” she nodded solemnly. She had accepted her fate.
“But it’s not your fault,” she grasped her sister’s shoulders. “Rose, I know that you wouldn’t hurt a fly intentionally.”
“No, of course not. But I can’t…”
“I don’t know if Linda will try to contest the will,” Belle continued. “But if you’re found guilty of his death then she might have grounds to.”
Rose looked at her sister in disbelief, not daring to believe what she thought her sister was suggesting.
“Just go home for now,” she urged her. “Try to put it out of your mind. If they bring any charges against me, or the boys, although I can’t see how they possibly can. He fell, he hit his head. None of us were at the house. But if it comes to it, then you can speak up. But let’s just see what happens.”
“Belle, I can’t do that.” Rose’s heart ached at the bravery of her sister. “It’s my fault. I have to…”
“Do it for me then,” she lifted her hand to Rose’s chin tilting her sister’s face to meet her eyes. “I want that money, Rose. But more than that, I want Mum’s estate to go where she wanted it to go. She wouldn’t have blamed you, and neither do I. You were standing up for yourself, and for Mum’s memory. All I’m asking is for you to wait this out. I’ve never asked anything of you, have I?”
“No,” Rose felt her voice quiver with emotion. “No, you haven’t.”
“Well, now I am,” she said fiercely. “Can you do this for me?”
Rose thought about all the times she had let herself and her sister down, and she found herself nodding.
Will
The journey had become almost second nature, and he smiled to himself as he passed the welcome sign that was obscured by the abundance of planters bursting with blooms. It seemed forever ago that he’d felt sick to his stomach with nerves at the sight of that sign. Over a year had passed since Will had received that invitation, and despite everything he was glad he hadn’t thrown it in the bin.
“This is becoming a habit,” Will joked as he pulled up to The Red Lion to greet his sisters who were waiting for him outside.
He opened his arms wide to envelope them both, noticing with satisfaction that Rose seemed healthier than when he had seen her last. She had seemed so broken and withdrawn in the wake of Frank’s death. She hadn’t been able to bring herself to view the body with the rest of them, and for a while it had seemed like she wasn’t going to make the funeral either.
“Leave her be,” Belle had warned, fiercely protective, when both he and Tim had tried to convince her to come. “Everyone deals with grief differently.”
In a way, Will thought Rose might have had the right idea. He had seen bodies before, including his own mother. Nothing had been more difficult than saying goodbye to her but seeing her had at least given him some semblance of closure. But the memory of his father in the casket had haunted him for months afterwards. For a while he had wondered whether it was a delayed reaction to the shocking circumstances, or the aftermath from the turmoil of the horrible investigation. In the week that followed Frank’s death, Will had experienced pure terror for the first time in his life. Even thinking about it now was enough to make his pulse quicken. But the gruelling interviews had ceased as abruptly as they had begun, and then the body was released, the funeral organised and somehow life had gone on for them all.
But the image of Frank had stayed with him for a while.
He looked so small and old. And so dead.
He’d been a formidable man. Cold. Distant. Will could feel bitterness lurking in the hidden corners of himself, and he had hated himself for a while for being unable to shake it off. He had taken off to Japan for the summer, but it had followed him there until Raya had forced him to confront it. Saying it aloud, for Will, had been the key to beginning to heal. He was angry at Frank for not being the parent that they had deserved. Fear at the threat of wrongful imprisonment had made way for a simmering anger at his father for putting them in that position. But he couldn’t reconcile that image of Frank so dead and pitiful to the father that had never been there for him.
“Is Tim not here yet?” He asked.
Will had only flown back into the country yesterday, but he had been in regular contact with Belle, and made an effort to call Rose at least every few weeks whether he had anything to say or not, but he had only spoken with his brother a handful of times. He knew from Belle though that Tim had promised to come down to scatter Frank’s ashes.
“Yeah, he came down last night,” Belle replied. “He’s got the kids this weekend, so they’re all staying over mine.”
Will tried to hide his surprise. “At yours? I didn’t realise you’d have a houseful! I’ll see if I can get a room in the pub.”
“No, you won’t!” She protested with a mock stern expression. “Rose is going to stay too. It’ll be such a laugh. You want to see all the food and drink I’ve got.”
He turned to look at his older sister, half-believing that Belle was having him on. Of all the people to agree to a family pyjama party, he would never have put pompous Tim at the top of the list. Rose smiled at his incredulous expression, before nodding in confirmation.
“Belle is the head of the family now,” she joked. “What she says goes.”
“Well, I’m sure all those years sleeping in noisy hostels will have given me enough practise to get by for one night,” he joked.
Belle swatted him playfully before gesturing towards the pub entrance. “Come on then. We’ll grab a quick drink while we wait for Tim. He’s just nipped to the big Tesco as he forgot to pack clothes for the baby.”
“He’s got all of them?” Will’s jaw dropped in shock. “Even the baby?”
“You should see him, Will. He looks so harassed trying to deal with the three of them,” Belle chuckled with delight, before adding seriously. “It’s been such an eye-opener for him being a single dad, especially with two baby Mamas who don’t particularly like him, but I honestly couldn’t be prouder of him. He’s really trying, isn’t he, Rose?”
Rose smiled again. “He is. He phoned me last time he had them to ask me how to make rice krispie cakes.”
For a moment, Will and Belle stared at their sister in disbelief before looking at each other and bursting into laughter.
“He’s from another planet, isn’t he!” Belle wa
s still laughing at the thought of him up to his elbows in melted chocolate and cereal when he finally made it to the pub looking flustered but in good spirits with a gaggle of children in tow.
“Oh, look at her!” Rose, who Will had thought seemed quiet and withdrawn, seemed to come alive when she saw the baby in her car seat. “Oh, Tim, she’s beautiful.”
Not wanting to leave Hugo and Bea out, Rose quickly turned to make a fuss of them too. “And look at you two! You’ve grown so much!”
Will watched his sister fuss over the children, and Tim enjoying the respite sank into the chair next to him.
“It’s good to see you,” Tim greeted him surprising Will by pulling him in for a manly, one-armed hug. “How’s globe-trotting? I was having a scroll through your pictures yesterday. It looks like you’re having the time of your life.”
“I saw you’d joined the world of social media,” he teased his brother. “You’ll be using google next to find the recipe for rice krispie cakes.”
Belle snorted from across the table, and even Rose looked up from where she was animatedly chatting to Bea to laugh.
“Rose told you then?” Tim grinned good-naturedly. “God, I was in a right old state! It’s taking some getting used to, this parenting lark.”
Tim had lost everything in the months following Frank’s death. Eleanor had kicked him out when she’d found out about Emma’s pregnancy, and while he hadn’t been sacked from work for his inappropriate relationship, they had announced a restructure shortly afterwards and he hadn’t been surprised when he was made redundant. They had all expected him to become bitter and resentful in the aftermath, but he had astonished them taking his shared custody of Hugo and Bea, and then little Millie when Emma had given birth a few months ago, very seriously.
“You’re doing a great job,” Rose told him affectionately as she sat back in her chair with Bea already clambering onto her lap. “I must admit, I’m surprised at how well you’ve taken to it. If someone had told me last year that you’d have been baking with the kids at nine o’clock on a Sunday morning, I would have laughed in their face.”