by Anonymous
XXXIII.
_The Cannibal Cow._
It was in the year ----. But why should I insult you by being moreparticular in date than that it was during the Irish rebellion, when,one dreadfully stormy night, old Goff, with his wife, daughter, andonly son, Tim, were sitting in the kitchen, which not only served asgeneral sitting-room, but was also the old couple's bed-room? The windhowled and blew in gusts, shaking the windows and doors as one without,in a hurry to get in, amongst whose virtues patience could not benumbered.
"This is a fearful night," old Goff said, "and fearful work, may be,is going on just now; for I heard from neighbour Flanagan that thered-coats have been seen in the neighbourhood. Go, Tim, and see thatall the doors are well fastened; and when the old woman has given usour supper, we'll get to bed, for that is the safest place thesetimes."
The old man had no sooner spoken than there was a tap at the door--atfirst, gentle; as, however, neither father nor son moved, but satstaring at each other in fear and trembling, the knocking grew louderand louder. At length Tim whispered, "Hadn't you best go to the door,Father, for that will impose upon them more, if it's thaves they are,and show more respect, like, if it's the red-coats?"
"No, no, my Son!" the old man whispered back, "you go; for then theywill see that you are safely at home, like a steady lad, and not outwith those wild boys, who are the cause of all these troubles. Go,my Son; but don't open the door, for the life of ye, but ask thegintlemen, civil, Who might be there, and what they might be wanting?"
There was no help for it, so poor Tim crept to the door, and, afterlistening whether he heard the cocking of pistols or the clanking ofswords, mustered courage to ask who was there.
"And who should it be, sure," was answered from without, "but Paddy,auld Paddy the Piper? Och! then let me in, darlint, that I may warmand dry mesel', for it's caulder than the 'Squire's greetin', and asdamp as the say itsel'."
_A Terror-stricken Household._]
Without answering him, Tim ran back to his father, who, in the meantime, had put out the light, and had got as far as the kitchen-doorto listen. Now Tim, in his hurry, rushed upon the old man, who wentrolling down, and Tim, to save himself, caught hold of the table, whichhe upset, and he himself fell sprawling upon the floor. Not being hurt,he went to help his father, who was shouting thieves and murder, andit was some time before his son could convince him that the place wasnot full of thieves, but that it was only Paddy the Piper who wanted tocome in.
"Nay, lave me in pace," he said, as Tim tried to raise him up, "for I'mdead, sure!"
"But what about Paddy?" Tim asked.
"And are ye sure it's Paddy it is, and that it is by himself he is?"And then the old man added--"If it's the Piper himself, I think bad notto give him the bit and the sup; but ye mustn't let him in, Tim, forsure it's Paddy has a baddish name, and if he's found here we shallall swing for't. But take the kay, my Boy, and let him into Katty'sshed, where he can be as comfortable, like, as the priest himself inhis own bed, and he shall not go without his supper."
Now Katty, you must know, was old Goff's best and favourite cow, and assuch had a shed to herself, to which Tim led the Piper; and when Paddyhad a good large mug of whisky, he forgot that he was wet and cold. Wewill not assist at old Goff's recovery from being "murthered quite,"but suppose him, as well as the others, safely in bed; and as we shallbe busy with the Piper we will not disturb them till the morning.
Paddy was so warm and comfortable after his supper, but moreparticularly after the whisky, that he felt one drop more would makehim the happiest man in all Ireland; but he dared not risk offendingold Goff by disturbing him again, for he always found a good friendin him when his wanderings took him that way. What was to be done? Hetried to sleep, but it would not do; though it was not the want of abed that troubled him, for it was little Paddy knew of that, except byname, and, indeed, Katty gave him the best of accommodation; but yetthe comfort was fast oozing out of him.
Now Paddy had a friend who, quietly and quite in private, distilled thebest of spirit, and there was no fear of his being in bed--at least,not at night. True, he lived full four miles off, and most of theway lay across a dreary bog; but now that Paddy was once with him inimagination he found less rest than ever.
Tim had carefully locked Katty's door; but, though old, the Piperwas still active, so made nothing of clambering up to a hole in theroof--for where is the shed or cabin to be found in Ireland that hasnot a hole in the roof? if, indeed, what should be the roof is not onebig hole. In dear old Ireland everything is old, excepting the heartsand spirits of its people. Once outside the shed, Paddy made the bestof his way towards his friend's; and expectation giving strength andactivity to his legs, he ran briskly on, when, all at once, he wasbrought to a stand--not because he was out of breath from running, butfrom astonishment at the fruit borne by a sturdy old tree he had justreached.
A man, well and securely hanged, was dangling from a branch of thetree, with his toes most provokingly just beyond reach of the ground.
Paddy peered at him through the dark, to see which of his friends itwas, and then addressed him thus:--"Och! Murphy, me lad! and is ityerself I run my nose agin here in the dark? but I forgie yer for notgettin' out o' the way, seeing that yer movements are not quite yerown. Now tell me what has brought yer here in this ugly fix? But how'sthis?" he continued, examining his friend still more closely--"andwas it for this dance yer put on them iligant boots? Why, Murphy, Ishouldn't know yer if I didn't see that it's yerself! But now," Paddycontinued, talking to himself, "his dance is over, and what will he bewanting with his boots? I'm sartain he won't mind if I borrow them, forsure me own brogues are none of the best. But why, my auld Friend,"he said, again addressing the hanging man, "why didn't yer put on yerSunday best intirely, for yer no better than a scarecrow danglingthere?"
Paddy examined himself from head to foot, and then, shaking his head,he muttered--"No, I canna better mesel', 'cepting with the boots,which I'll make bold to take, trusting poor Murphy won't feel his feetcauld." After thus alternately soliloquising and addressing his friend,Paddy set himself to work to pull off the dead man's boots, but theyresisted all his efforts. He took it good-humouredly and out of humour,but with equally bad success, and at length went on his way; but hecould not make up his mind to resign such a splendid piece of goodfortune, so he returned after he had gone a few steps, and made anotherattempt.
The boots, however, remained immoveable, and losing all patience, heexclaimed, "Bad luck to them!" and taking out a large knife he carriedwith him, cut off the legs just above the boots, thinking that, more athis leisure, he would be able to clear them out.
His plans were now altered, and instead of going on to his friend, hereturned to Katty's shed, carefully carrying his new acquisition underhis arm.
He found no difficulty in getting back into the shed, but thedifficulty of freeing the boots from the feet and portion of the legsthat remained in them was increased rather than lessened; and atlength Paddy fell asleep over his unaccomplished task. When he awokeday was already beginning to dawn, and as he wanted to be early at asmall town, some six miles off, where there was to be a fair, he hadno time to lose; so he quickly got out of the shed, leaving the bootsbehind him as useless--his friend Murphy's feet pertinaciously keepingpossession of them.
Not long after, Tim went to fetch him to breakfast, to make up forthe inhospitality of the previous night; for with returning light thecourage of the family was restored, and, as is frequently the case withweak minds, day gave an appearance of security to that which night hadshrouded in danger.
What was his surprise to see the shed occupied by Katty alone; for hehad found the door locked as he had left it the night before, and yetPaddy was nowhere to be seen.
He never once thought of the hole in the roof, and was puzzled beyondmeasure. Paddy must be somewhere; so he looked in all the four cornersof the shed, under the straw, and even under Katty herself, who wascomfortably lying down. He now saw the boots,
and was more puzzled thanever. He scratched his head, as people will do when the understandingis at fault, and during that process a horrible light burst upon him.
He rushed out of the shed back to the kitchen, where, to the amazementof all, he let himself fall into old Goff's, just then, vacant chair,his mouth open, his hair erect, and his eyes nearly starting from hishead.
All exclaimed with one voice, "What in heaven's name has happened!What is the matter with you, Tim?" After gasping several times forbreath Tim cried out, "Och, the unnatural baste! Och, the blood-thirstycannibal! Poor Paddy! Och, the murthering brute!"
"In the name of all the saints tell us what has happened!" his Fathersaid; and after a few more incoherent sentences, Tim related how ongoing into the shed he could not find the Piper, though he could nothave got out, for he had locked the door the night before, and found itstill locked; how that, after looking all about, he had discovered theboots, but that Katty had eaten up poor Paddy.
_Tim's Dismay at Katty's Cannibalism._]
An exclamation of horror burst from all.
"Every bit of him," Tim continued. "The blood-thirsty baste has eatenevery bit of him. Not a morsel of poor Paddy is left but the boots."The rest were quite as much horrified as Tim himself, and not a wordwas uttered till his Sister, who first recovered something likeself-possession, said, "Let us go and look once more, for it is almosttoo horrible to believe that Katty could do such a thing; she hasalways been such a good, gentle beast."
"Och, the cannibal!" Tim muttered, with a shudder.
"Tim," old Goff said, "I've heard that a cannibal is one man that eatsanother, and if so, perhaps Katty is not a cannibal; but, mind me, I'mnot going to defend the unnatural baste if she has eaten the Piper. Didyou say his pipes and all are gone? Take care and don't go too near thecrittur, but take the pitchfork with you. Oh, that I should ever liveto hear the like!"
Most unwillingly Tim went back to the shed; but as his sister led theway he was ashamed to remain behind. However, when they got thereKatty began bellowing with all her might, for she was unused to beingneglected, and felt herself ill used that Tim should have been inwithout taking her her morning's food, and now finding herself againdisappointed, she stared wildly at them.
Both started back, and Tim cried, "See there, how wicked she looks! Isthat the baste you say is so gentle? Sure she's dangerous, let's goback." The sister ventured in and took the boots, which she carried tothe house.
These told the tale but too clearly, and poor Katty had not a singlevoice raised in her favour. It was now discussed what should be donewith the animal, for keeping her was out of the question. Who woulddrink the milk of such a beast! Besides, it was dangerous to go nearher; and it was therefore settled that Tim should take her to the fair,which fortunately was held that very day, and sell her at any price.
Suddenly they were startled by a loud bellowing from the shed, forduring this time no one had thought of feeding the poor beast, and thenext moment all were seized with the utmost consternation, for Kattyappeared at the shed door and walked straight up towards the house.
The kitchen was now a scene of the wildest confusion, for in theireagerness to seize upon any article of furniture that might serve as aweapon of defence, they rushed against each other; but Katty stoppedat some fresh grass that was in a cart near the house, which indeedhad attracted her. As soon, however, as she had taken the edge off hermorning appetite she went to the window, for she was a sociable beast,and had always been accustomed to be noticed; but all the inmates ofthe kitchen were huddled together at the further end, and their terroris indescribable when she pushed the window open, for it had not beenproperly fastened.
She, however, stood so quiet, and looked so gentle and mild, that aftera time old Goff mustered courage to say, "Now that she has filledherself with grass she will perhaps not bite, so now is the time tosecure her. Take the rope that is hanging up there, Tim, make a noose,and slip it quickly over her nose." As Tim hesitated, his Sister said,"I will go with you;" and then he did as he was directed, till, ashe was about to slip the rope over her nose, she opened her mouth,thinking it was something for her to eat.
Tim started back so suddenly that, losing his balance, he fell flatupon the floor, shouting for help, but his sister, catching hold ofthe rope, put it round Katty's nose; and when Tim saw that therewas no danger he finished the work for her, tying the rope at leasthalf-a-dozen times round the unresisting creature's jaws. Nothing nowremained to be done but for Tim to get on his Sunday clothes, whichdid not take long, and poor Katty was led off, receiving much roughertreatment than she had been accustomed to.
For a time Tim and Katty had the road to themselves, and were notover-pleasant companions, for to poor Katty all seemed strange; besidesthat she received many a blow from her guide, who was in anything buta good humour; and when they were joined by any one it made it nonethe more pleasant for Tim, who now found out all the difficulties hehad to contend with, for he was not prepared with an answer when askedwhat was the reason why Katty was to be sold, or why her mouth wasfastened up so. What could he answer, for, as he said to himself, "If Itell the truth who would buy the unnatural baste? And I won't let thepeople think we want money." His pride revolted at this; but it wasevident he must be prepared with a more satisfactory answer than he hadhitherto given, namely, that he did not know why his father intended topart with his cow, for he heard two farmers, who had lately joined theothers, talking thus together.
The one said, "Why, that is old Goff's favourite cow, sure it can't beit's selling her he is, for I heard that he was offered twelve poundsfor her no longer than a fortnight ago, but he wouldn't sell her at anyprice."
"May be it's gone dry she is," said the other.
"No, she doesn't look like that."
"Then it's money he wants. May be the rint isn't paid, and--"
"No, it's not that," the first speaker interrupted him, "for old Goffis too close an old fist not to have plenty of money; but mark me,Neighbour, there's something wrong with her, sleek and fresh as shelooks, and it isn't I that would be buying her at any price."
Poor Tim was sadly puzzled, for it was impossible he could escape beingasked all manner of questions, and he knew no more than his heels whatto say. Then, too, he feared that no one would have her, and whatshould he do with her then. His worst fears were soon to be realized,for a new comer, who had heard the end of the conversation of the lasttwo speakers, now said to him--
"Well, Tim, and what has the darling of your house done that you wantto sell her? Is it fits she has, for there is something wild in hereye? Or it's vicious she is? Speak, Man, what is the matter with her?"
To avoid unpleasant questions, Tim said, "It's too much trouble to mysister to attend to her, for it's my sister's cow she is."
"And is it washing her face of a morning that's too much troubleto your sister?" Tim was now asked; "or perhaps combing her hair istroublesome, or may be it's cutting her corns your sister doesn't like;but come, Tim, that won't do, Man, for why is Katty more trouble thanthe other cows? Let me look at her, that I may see what ails her." Heexamined her all over; and, to Tim's horror, taking the rope from roundher nose, looked into her mouth, but he could not discover one singlefault in her, which only excited his suspicion the more. "May be you'dtake five pounds for her?" And, as Tim eagerly assented, he continued,"You'll take five pounds for her, and your father just a day or two agorefused twelve. There's something in all this I can't make out, so goon with her, for I'll none of her. I'm not going to be tricked by you."
Tim was now in utter despair. He saw plainly he must say that it wasmoney they wanted. But would even that do, for his father had othercows, and why sell the one which everybody knew was the favourite? Hisonly chance was to get rid of her to some one who did not know him, andhe therefore hurried her on to the market.
The market was very full, and, when he found himself surrounded bystrange faces, he felt more at ease; however, no purchaser was found,and Tim began to feel no
t only impatient, but seriously uneasy, forKatty looked about her in a very suspicious manner, and he dreaded theconsequences should she grow very hungry. He shuddered as he thoughtof the fate of poor Paddy, and, oh horror! just then he thought he sawPaddy himself in the distance. He could not take his eyes from the spotwhere he had seen the horrid apparition, though he trembled at thepossibility of its reappearance.
There it was again, beckoning to him.
This was more than poor Tim could bear, and he rushed wildly out of themarket, down the nearest turning, and out of the town. On he ran, notknowing where, pursued in imagination by poor Paddy's ghost, till outof breath, when he ventured to look back. He could run no more, for hewas now transfixed to the spot by horror. Katty, with her mouth open,came full gallop after him, and quicker than the wind followed Paddy'sghost. He stood motionless till they were close upon him, and thenfell senseless to the ground.
When he recovered he found Paddy holding a pocket flask of whisky tohis lips, whilst Katty was looking at him with the mildest expressionof concern.
"What were you doing in the market with Katty? And what, in heaven'sname, induced you to run away as if possessed by a thousand devils?"Paddy said. "What does all this mean, Tim? Have you gone clean mad?"
"And is it you, Paddy?" Tim asked; "or is it your ghost? For if it'syour ghost I beg your honor ten thousand pardons for all the troubleI've given you, in making your honor run after me so far. And I begyour honor to forgive my auld father and mother, and my dear sister,and to forgive me too. And I humbly beg your honor will not haunt us,for it will be the bodily death of us all; but if we can do anything togive your blessid soul rest, tell me what it is and it shall be done.Where shall we bury your blessid feet? It was not our fault that thisblood-thirsty baste, bad luck to it, ate you up last night, all butyour honor's feet, bless them. Directly we found out the misfortunethat had happened to your honor, for I went early to fetch you to themost iligant breakfast my mother could get ready, we all settled thatthe cannibal brute should no longer be one of our family, and I broughther to the market to sell. This is every word the blessid truth. So Ibeg your honor to forgive us, and may your soul rest in peace!"