‘No,’ he looked at her in the eye. ‘We decided that it would stay just between us.’ There was a slight wobble in his voice as though the land had shifted underneath him. ‘We are still of the same opinion?’ he asked anxiously.
‘Yes, I just wondered was that the reason for the upset, that’s all.’
‘No, I haven’t told Alex and I have no intention of either. What happened between us, was a…’ he shrugged his shoulders unable to find the words he needed to describe it. Mistake had been on the tip of his tongue.
‘A what?’ Jenny questioned.
‘I don’t know, maybe you didn’t feel like I did, but when I carried you up to bed that night, it had just felt like old times and it was, I don’t know… special, in a way.’ The inflection in his tone made him sound unsure as though he was looking for her approval. ‘Like we had turned a page on all the pain and hurt and started a new chapter?’
‘It was a better ending than the one we had had.’ She agreed. It had been nice to reconnect with him again. Feel like a woman one last time and while she didn’t feel proud about the fact that Liam had been unfaithful to Alex, their reconnection went a long way to consigning all the angst to the past.
‘I know,’ he bowed his head in shame. ‘I did love you, Jenny, I do love you, just not like we used to, you get that, don’t you?’
‘I do, Liam, I love you the same way too. Which is why I want you to still be with the kids when I’m gone. They need to be loved, they need to be your number one. This, you moving back in, is not about me, it’s not about you, it’s not about…’ she couldn’t bring herself to mention Alex’s name. ‘It’s not about anyone but the kids. You being here, moving back in, is about their future. I need to know that you will be in their lives, that they will have someone when I’m gone.’ Her voice wobbled a bit when she spoke and his heart wrenched inside his chest.
‘I will, I promise,’ he said. Jenny was right, it was about the kids, that’s where his focus should be. ‘But I am here, you know if you need anything…’ Liam sighed.
They sat in silence and his eyes wandered around the room. Nothing much had changed since he had last been there. Her books, categorised by size and stacked according to preference still stood proudly on their shelves waiting to be transferred to her bedroom downstairs in the morning. Framed photographs of the kids still hung neatly on the wall and he was thrilled to see the lava rock they had stolen on their honeymoon from Mount Vesuvius still in its place.
‘And it is lovely to connect like this again.’
‘To connect?’ Jenny smirked at Liam’s use of the word. He smiled in return.
‘Shit, that did sound a bit Dr Phil, didn’t it?’ He grinned.
‘Well, for a man who had no time for “bullshit daytime telly” you seem to know a fair bit of the lingo and the fact that you even know that Dr Phil exists is really funny to me.’
‘Stop,’ he beamed at her tease, his embarrassment quickly vanishing. ‘God,’ he shook his head at the memory. ‘Do you remember Abbie with her garbage and diaper?’
‘And closet,’ Jenny added. Abbie’s Americanisms had been a by-product of the television programmes she had been watching at the time.
‘That bloody Disney Channel had a lot to answer for.’ He said, their joined memories transporting them to a very different time.
‘Liam,’ Jenny breathed heavily, the memories of how idyllic everything once was, just a little too emotional to bear. ‘I don’t know…’ she started but sensing that he wouldn’t like the rest of what Jenny had to say, Liam interrupted her.
‘Look, don’t say anything, it’s just me being an eejit again, don’t mind me with my “connect”, I was just trying in some small way to show you that I cared, that’s all.’ He needed her to see that he’d changed and didn’t want her to regret letting him move back home. ‘You’ve enough to be thinking about, without having to listen to me.’ He forced a smile.
‘Look, we all need time to get used to this,’ Jenny shrugged, ‘Josh especially.’
‘Yeah, we do, I suppose,’ Liam agreed. ‘But this,’ he gestured towards the entire house taking in Josh’s room to the rear and Abbie downstairs in the kitchen. ‘Is entirely your call, I’m here because of what you said, because of what you want for the kids… when you’re gone. If you think it’s not working, if for any reason you change your mind, that’s fine too. Just say the word. I really just want to do what’s best for everyone here. I promise. I just want the kids to know that I’m here for them.’
‘I know you do, but like I said, it’ll take time for everyone to trust you, to really believe that you won’t just leave again,’ she cringed at how harsh her words sounded. ‘It will happen though,’ she tried to compensate by offering him hope. ‘Abbie’s beside herself with happiness, Josh…’ she cleared her throat, her eyes glistened with tears. ‘Josh is probably one of the most sensitive souls I have ever come across and he’s entitled to feel let down and angry but, in time, he’ll get there, he always does,’ she said.
‘And what about Sarah?’ Liam asked tentatively. ‘I just need to know where I stand with her, I know ever since I left, she hasn’t been my biggest fan.’
‘Well, she’s not, is the short answer. But she does understand what it is we are trying to do, if that’s any help at all.’ Jenny said.
‘Very helpful,’ Liam grinned.
‘Look, she knows that it’s all about the kids. Her biggest gripe with the situation is that you don’t lose the run of yourself and think you can just slide back in where you left off, that’s all.’ Jenny knew there was no point in sugar-coating it.
‘Well, she’s entitled to her thoughts I suppose, she is your closest friend. It wouldn’t be Sarah if she wasn’t looking out for you.’
‘Someone had to,’ Jenny said, her head bowed slightly, she hadn’t intended to be unkind but that was the way it sounded. ‘She has been by my side through everything, I couldn’t have done without her.’
‘You’re right, Sarah had your back when I didn’t…’ He dropped his head in shame. He hadn’t gone looking for the affair. In fact, it had surprised him how easy having the affair had been. Not easy in the sense of the sneaking around or finding reasons to come home late, but rather how right being with Alex had felt, and how little guilt he had felt about Jenny at the time. ‘Jenny, you do know that I never meant for any of this to happen, don’t you?’
‘It’s hardly your fault that I got sick.’
‘I don’t just mean this,’ he gestured over the lump her legs formed underneath her covers. ‘I mean me, leaving you like I did, the affair, everything.’ He hesitated to force back the tears that were forming at the back of his eyes. ‘I really never meant for you to get hurt.’
‘In fairness,’ Jenny placed her hand over his, ‘we both know that our marriage had come to a standstill,’ she was nothing if not gracious. ‘And you, the affair, Alex,’ he looked up at her when she mentioned her name. ‘They were just symptoms of everything that happened to us, it was nobody’s fault that the marriage broke down.’
‘Jenny, I wish it hadn’t, I wish that you didn’t have to go through all this your own, I wish you had told me what was going on. I wish that I had known that you weren’t well and that you were getting tests.’
‘What, so you could stay with me out of sympathy?’ she asked whole in earnest. ‘That’s not how it should have been.’
‘No, I don’t mean that, I just mean that had I known that you weren’t well, I probably would’ve thought about things differently… maybe I could have done more, maybe I wouldn’t have blamed you for being so distant, so removed. I realise now that it was because you were worrying about your health and not because you didn’t want to be with me any more. I hate that I left you on your own when all of this was going on.’
‘I wasn’t on my own, Liam, I had the kids… I had Sarah.’
‘You see, this is all I wanted, just you and me, having a chat, catching up properly instead of broken
conversations and communicating through Abbie, it’s nice isn’t it?’
‘It is,’ she offered him a smile reminding him of the young Jenny that he had met all those years ago. She still had a mop of auburn hair that danced in waves around her shoulders, eyes full of mischief and a smile that would warm the streets of Dublin on a cold December day. It was the same smile that Abbie now had.
‘Do you ever think of before, you know, the Aer Lingus days?’ he asked and she nodded in response. ‘I’d say you miss it, do you?’
Jenny gasped for air before she spoke. ‘I do and I don’t.’ She motioned her head to the side, a reel of memories flashing across her eyes making rogue tears fall down her cheeks.
‘I miss the days when we used to work together.’ Liam said nostalgically. ‘I miss everything about it,’ he yearned to have it all back again.
‘I miss the cities,’ she said wistfully. ‘I don’t miss the hotels though,’ her voice was softer, reminiscent of an easier time. ‘But no point in wallowing in it.’
‘I suppose, but it isn’t fair, it isn’t fair on you,’ Liam wished he had never hurt her and it took all his will power not to scoop her waif-like body up from where she lay to comfort her, to tell her that everything was going to be okay.
‘No, it’s really not,’ real tears dropped down her face and Liam dug into his pocket looking for a tissue. He pulled out a fold of unused toilet paper and handed it to her. This was the first time he had seen her cry since the day he had left and it broke his heart in two.
‘It’s fine, really, I’m fine, I’m just tired, these meds,’ she lifted the pill box beside her. ‘They make me quite tired, hence the early bedtime and it really has been a long day.’ She leaned back in the bed and with her left arm pushed him away. ‘Look Liam, you’re here for whatever the kids need, that’s all, I have everything I need, I’m okay. I just got a little emotional but believe me, I’m okay.’
‘I know you are.’ Liam choked back his regrets and stretched his shoulders.
‘Although, there is one thing you could do,’ Jenny inhaled. ‘It’s something that Sarah has arranged for me to do and I was kind of thinking it might be good for us both to do it together.’ She suggested. ‘It would show the kids that we can still be friends.’
‘What, what is it?’
‘Well do you remember when I was on Current Issues last month?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well, following on from that there has been a bit of media interest in my story and the Sunday Independent want to do a feature on me.’
‘And where do I come in?’
‘I was hoping that we could show a united front maybe, in the interview, maybe a few photos?’
‘Okay…’ Liam was unsure. A united front for the children’s sake was one thing but a united front plastered all over a national newspaper was another. What would Alex think?
‘I just thought it’d make things easier with Josh, smooth things over a bit for him, that’s all… you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to,’ she said.
‘Are you sure you want to do this, open up your life for everyone to see?’
‘It’s not that I’m looking for attention, but it might be nice for the kids to have in years to come, see how we faced into the headwind so to speak.’ He smiled at the aviation reference. ‘And I would like the world to see that I’m still much more than this wheelchair has reduced me to.’
He leaned across the bed. ‘Look, if it’s what you want,’ he sighed and lifted her chin. Her eyes were clear and sorrowful as she looked back at him. ‘I’ll do it. It’ll be my way of showing you how sorry I really am.’
‘Liam don’t, you don’t have to…’ she said.
‘But I am, Jenny, I’m sorry that it happened. I’m sorry that I even went out that night, I’m sorry that I didn’t come home. I’m sorry that we weren’t getting on. If I could…’ She raised her hand, unwilling to hear any more. She had done the same thing when he had tried to explain about the affair two years ago. She was nothing if not stoic.
‘It’s okay, Liam, really, can we just, you know,’ she stumbled over her words trying to find the best way to sidestep the conversation. It was then that Abbie pushed open her mum’s bedroom door.
‘Mum, Josh texted.’ She unlocked her phone and read the text her brother had finally sent. By now it was nearly nine-thirty.
Abs, all ok, just in a friend’s house. I didn’t text Mum because she might be asleep so if she’s looking for me, tell her I’m grand and I might stay the night. Go to bed. CU2morro for the ‘BIG MOVE’
‘That’s all he said?’ Liam asked.
‘Well, he put a throwing up emoji on it too,’ she laughed, her cheeks flaring red.
‘Good,’ Jenny said. ‘Anyway, your dad has to go home and pack.’ She waited until Liam stood up and made a move to leave. ‘So why don’t you bring up your Chinese when it arrives and we’ll put a movie on together, just us girls.’ She smiled at Abbie. ‘Seeing as from tomorrow, it’s going to be a bit crowded around here.’
12.
Trial Day 5
Liam Buckley
‘If it please the court, Judge, the prosecution would like to call Ms Sarah Barry.’ Lucinda Cassidy commands silence when she speaks. Sarah looks as though the mention of her name has just dropkicked her stomach into her bowel and catapulted her heart into her mouth. There’s a glass of water freshly poured at the stand, waiting for her as she walks slowly but purposefully towards the witness box. She follows the registrar’s instruction to place her hand on the Bible and repeat her oath to affirm that she’ll tell the truth. She pushes the seat of the red fabric chair down from its folded-up position and gulps back what looks like a ball of anxiety that’s at the back of her throat.
‘Take your time.’ Lucinda uses the time it takes Sarah to drink the entire glass to place her papers neatly in front of her. I watch as Sarah inhales deeply, brushes a non-existent strand of hair from her face and smile back at the prosecutor anxiously.
Every movement Sarah makes is unusually slow, methodical. Anyone looking at her would think there’s a satellite delay. That she’s the roving reporter responding to questions from the studio, three seconds too late, but from what I know of Sarah, the latency is deliberate, considered. It gives her the pause she needs to think about what’s coming next. She’s always hated being caught off-guard.
I glimpse back at Abbie and Josh; they’re together as usual in the same seats. Abbie told me last night that she feels as though she’s stuck right in the middle of a vicious circle and she doesn’t know which way is out and the circle just keeps spinning around her making her nauseous. I haven’t spoken to Sarah since Jenny’s funeral and even then it was only a few curt words – something about how much she loved Jenny and would have done whatever it took to make her happy and could I have said the same?
She shifts into a comfortable position and flashes a ready expression on her face with that sickly-sweet smile of hers. If Jenny were here, she’d be by her side because they were inseparable, always had each other’s backs. She alters her expression, squints at me for a brief second and stiffens her shoulders.
‘Thank you, Ms Barry.’ Lucinda nods at her and while she leafs through her notes. I watch her closely. Anything to avoid my eyes wandering in the direction they want to go in. Is Abbie okay, is Josh? What do they think? Do they believe the poison Sarah’s been spouting about me to anyone who’ll listen?
‘You are Sarah Barry?’ Lucinda asks.
‘Yes,’ Sarah answers. There’s an indeterminable line from one corner of her mouth to the other and while she’s no Mona Lisa, there’s an enigmatic curve on her lips that even Leonardo da Vinci couldn’t capture.
‘And can you tell us how you know the defendant, Mr Liam Buckley?’
‘Liam is the ex-husband of—’
‘Objection!’ William is already on his feet and Lucinda throws a sidelong glance full of what can only be described as contempt his way. She looks at me
then, her eyebrows peaked so far up her forehead that they look like the summit of the French Alps. Sarah almost breaks from her composure to scowl at me too.
‘For clarity?’ William widens his eyes at the judge, looking for permission to proceed and when the judge gestures back at him, he continues. ‘If it please the court,’ he clasps his hands in front of him slowly and speaks, ‘Mr Buckley is in fact the husband of, not the ex-husband of.’ The timbre of his voice is deep, his tone commanding, his intention to dispel any negative connotations that would add to the prosecution’s case. Lucinda waits until he re-takes his seat and then nods at Sarah to finish her answer.
‘Sorry.’ Sarah wavers slightly and I can’t make up my mind whether the uncertainty is a deliberate ploy or an unusual dip in her confidence level; she’s normally so feisty, so sure of what she wants. There’s an unsteadiness in her voice when she looks at me and I can’t help but wonder if the steel-plated armour is about to crack. One of the last things she said to me was that I was the sorriest excuse for a husband that she had ever come across and that was saying something considering the sleaze bags that she has had the misfortune to represent over the years. She garnished that then with selfish prick under her breath as she walked away from Jenny’s graveside. ‘Sorry, I meant to say,’ she continues.
‘Please continue,’ Lucinda intervenes, her reassuring smile settling Sarah’s resolve.
‘I know Liam Buckley from my association with the deceased, my friend Jennifer Buckley. She met him in 1995, fell in love with him almost immediately and they married a little under a year later.’ She shrugs her shoulders as though the very thought of it is unconscionable. She’s probably rewritten our history in her head erasing the real story from existence. When Jenny first introduced me to Sarah, I used to kid with Jenny about how intense her friend could be. I even joked with Jenny saying Sarah had a secret crush on her because of the way she was obsessed with everything that she did. But Jenny, in her caring, kind, natural way, saw only the best in her. ‘And then he left her for another woman in 2016. That’s how I know Liam Buckley.’
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