by Clare Lydon
Beyond leaving Jake and my growing attraction to Rachel, what the hell was going to happen with Fit & Tasty when the shit properly hit the fan? I had no idea. Would Rachel and I keep working together? Would I be able to keep my feelings under wraps? And what about Jake and Rachel?
Rachel didn’t even know this rock had struck their business yet, possibly threatening to take it under.
But I couldn’t think about that.
Today, it was enough to just put one foot in front of the other and breathe.
Tanya took my case through to the spare room, before coming back to the open-plan living space and walking over to the kitchen, leaning on her white island and eyeing me with curiosity. I didn’t blame her — it wasn’t every day she got a call like this one from her best friend.
“Nice spot, by the way.”
I touched the end of my nose and grimaced. “Thanks for pointing it out.”
“You’re welcome,” she said. “Is this a tea and coffee moment, or a something-stronger moment?” She straightened up and walked over to where the kettle sat on the kitchen counter.
“It’s a ‘fuck me, I’ve just blown up my life’ moment.” I raised both eyebrows and blew out a long breath.
Tanya gave me a grimace. “Beer, then?”
“Beer sounds perfect.”
Tanya waved me out to the balcony, accessed via her giant glass doors. “Go ahead, I’ll bring them out.”
I sat down on one of her black outdoor chairs and took in a lungful of air, which always seemed far fresher this high up, even in the badlands of Woolwich. Tanya’s flat was one of my very favourite places, and I still recalled the day Jake and I had moved her in.
Jake. I gulped at the memory of his tears, his crumpled face as I’d packed my bag and walked out the door. It was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do, because he’d done nothing wrong.
“So,” Tanya said, sweeping her shoulder-length chestnut hair out of her eyes, and crossing her tanned right leg over her left.
Her denim shorts and red T-shirt showed off her wiry, athletic frame well, the same frame that had made her a star athlete during our university years together. Tanya had been the goal-grabbing centre forward on the women’s football team, as well as a swashbuckling all-rounder in the cricket.
“Catch me up. Last time I saw you, you were happily living with Jake. Now, two weeks later you turn up on my doorstep telling me you’ve left him. What gives? Did he cheat?”
“Why does everyone always assume that?”
“Because it’s normally true.”
I sighed. “No, neither of us cheated.”
Tanya nodded her head. “Okaaaay,” she said. “If no cheating has gone on, what’s the story? Because otherwise, none of this makes sense. You and Jake were good together.”
I cleared my throat. “First of all, is Sophie here?” I turned my head towards the flat, expecting Sophie to burst through the balcony doors at any moment. I had a lot of time for Tanya’s girlfriend, but she was far too closely linked to Rachel for comfort.
Tanya shook her head. “She’s got a ton of dog walks today, so she won’t be back for a bit.”
“Good.”
Tanya looked confused. “Why is that good?”
I winced. “It’s just… complicated.” I leaned forward. “Is it okay to stay here for a bit? I mean, as in live here, not just stay for a beer.”
Tanya gave me a firm nod. “Course it is.”
“Thanks, that’s one thing I can tick off my list.” I sat back and crossed my legs.
Tanya scrunched up her face, assessing the situation. “So are you going to fill me in? Tell me just why you’ve blown up your life this fair Saturday?” She glanced up at the clear blue skies. “Lovely day for it, by the way.” She moved her sunglasses up her nose and turned her face to the sunshine.
I glanced upwards, then, blinded, closed my eyes. “I left my fucking sunglasses at the flat, along with half my life.”
Tanya got up.
“Where are you going?” I asked, alarmed. Sudden movements and me didn’t mix today.
“To get you some sunglasses.”
I smiled: I loved Tanya, my platonic soulmate. Yes, my biological family had been my first port of call, but Tanya was my chosen family, along with my other friends. My logical family, as Armistead Maupin put it so well.
“Thank you,” I said, slipping the shades onto my face, glad to be able to hide away from the world as much as possible. “I don’t quite know how to explain.”
“Start with a single word.”
I stared at Tanya.
We’d known each other for 20 years, and our running joke was that I looked more like a lesbian than Tanya ever did. Tanya had long, glossy hair, power suits, a stellar career. Whereas I dressed in jeans, had more chequered shirts in my wardrobe than was strictly necessary, and taught art.
That I was now tumbling towards a self-fulfilling prophecy wasn’t lost on me. Maybe this was all Tanya’s fault in the first place by constantly telling me I was a lesbian: my subconscious had heard it enough times, and now it was acting on it.
“I blame you,” I blurted, shaking my head with a smile.
“Right — what have I done?”
“You kept telling me I’m gay.”
Tanya raised an eyebrow. “And now you are?”
“Well, not yet, but I’m thinking about it.”
Tanya took a swig of her beer, before frowning. “Let’s back up for a minute,” she said, circling with her fingers. “You think you might be gay?”
I put my head in my hands. Was I completely gay, or was this a Rachel-shaped explosion? “I don’t fucking know!”
There was a beat before Tanya asked the next question. “And I’m assuming this has something to do with a certain other lesbian who lives in this block? And I’m counting out myself and Sophie by the way, just in case you were wondering.”
I dragged my hands away from my face, my mouth creeping open. “Am I that obvious? Does everyone know?” I put my hands back over my face. “Oh god, I can’t stay here if she knows.” Did Rachel know? Did Sophie know? Had the whole lesbian world been wondering when I might come to this logical conclusion?
I ground my teeth together. “Does she know?”
Tanya leaned over and put a soothing hand on my arm. It helped, bringing me back to the here and now, making me look up at her and listen, rather than letting my thoughts spiral out of control.
“I don’t think so,” Tanya said.
“Then how do you?”
She shrugged, narrowing her eyes. “I know you, remember? I know the signs. I know what you do when you’re flirting with guys because I’ve seen it before.”
“What do I do?” I sat up, my interest piqued.
“You blush, you stutter, you swish your hair in a particular way, you get very touchy.” Tanya paused. “I’ve watched your YouTube videos, and it struck me when I saw the most recent ones. It was just… there, on screen. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you could just come off as being great friends, because you are, but it made me wonder.”
I pulled my knees together, my thoughts running round and round in my head. “Have you mentioned this to Sophie?”
Tanya winced.
“Oh god, Sophie knows?” Tanya knowing was one thing, but Sophie knowing? Rachel’s flatmate and best friend?!
“It’s not just me who noticed it, Alice. She commented on your on-screen chemistry, too. And then I thought, is there something more to it?”
“Has Rachel said anything to her? About me, I mean?”
Tanya shook her head. “She’s not likely to, is she? You’re living with her co-star, remember, and you’re straight. She’s not going to waste her time mooning over something she knows full well she can’t have. You’re simply not an option.”
I flung my head back quickly, making Delilah bark at the sudden movement. I reached down and petted her.
“It’s such a mess, but when I realised I had feelings f
or her, I couldn’t carry on with Jake.” I paused, lifting up my sunglasses. “Would you believe I broke up with him in Ikea?”
“Ikea can do strange things to you,” Tanya said with a sad smile. “Poor Jake — how did he take it?”
“How do you think? He wanted to buy bedside tables with me and all the while I was thinking…” I blushed, an image of Rachel popping into my mind that was far from platonic. “Well, my thoughts of late are best left unbroadcast.” I took another swig of my beer, then looked out at the river, twinkling below in the late afternoon sun.
“You think I’m of any interest to Rachel?”
Tanya took a moment to answer. “I do.”
I let out a strangled groan. “There’s a but coming, isn’t there?”
“Just that you need to get yourself together before you even go there. This is big, and you’re fragile at the moment. You need to be measured, not go charging in. For your sake, for Rachel’s and for Jake’s. There’s a lot at stake here, a lot of people’s feelings.”
“I know that, I’m not stupid.” I steadied my breathing. “I wasn’t planning on going down there and jumping her. I’ve got all these feelings, but I’ve got no idea what to do with them. I mean, what does ‘jump her’ even mean?”
Tanya let out a throaty laugh. “Oh shit, you’ve got so much to learn. Promise me this — when you do sleep with your first woman, will you call me after to tell me about it?”
I rolled my eyes. “I will not. And like I told Sabrina earlier, I might be bisexual and not lesbian, so I’m not ruling out sleeping with men ever again.”
“We live in a modern world, you can be whoever you want to be,” Tanya said, before smiling. “But right now, the thought of sleeping with Rachel is more appealing than sleeping with a man?”
“It’s all I can fucking think about.” It was the very thought that had been crashing into my every waking moment for the past few months, making me sweat guilt at an alarming rate. “But this is such a mess — I haven’t just hurt Jake, I’ve tipped my life upside down and their business together.” I paused. “What am I going to do?”
“You’re not going to worry about it just yet.” Tanya leaned over and patted my leg. “For now, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, you have your health and the woman you fancy has the hots for you.” She paused. “Shit, that was almost a poem, wasn’t it?”
I sat up. “She likes me, too?” My skin tingled with anticipation.
A gurgled laugh bubbled up from Tanya. “She hasn’t told me that, but like I said, I watched your videos. And let’s just say, the chemistry, the touching, the hair flicks? It’s a two-way street. Now you just have to tell her you’re available and open to it, without breaking Jake’s heart in two.”
“I’m not sure I’m going to be able to do that.”
I didn’t want to break anybody’s heart, but I’d started the process and it was always going to have casualties; that was just the nature of relationships. There were winners and losers, and I still wasn’t sure which I was. Jake might feel like he’s a loser now, but in the end, he was better off without me. I took another swig of my beer.
“What am I going to do about Rachel and Jake? They work together, things are really just taking off for them. I’ve already buggered up Jake’s personal life, I don’t want to be responsible for his work life falling apart, too.”
Tanya gave me a measured look. “All very noble of you, but how exactly are you planning to do that? You’ve just told me you’ve got feelings for Rachel, and if something does happen, you’re bound to run into Jake.”
“I know,” I replied, head firmly back in my hands. “And please stop talking about me sleeping with Rachel like it’s a given. Like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.”
“I’ve watched your YouTube channel, remember?” Tanya raised a single eyebrow.
“So you keep saying,” I said. “Whatever happens, I do not want to fuck things up for Jake totally. If I can’t be the woman of his dreams, I certainly don’t want to turn into the nightmare ex-girlfriend, the benchmark to measure all others by.”
And if I wanted to do that, I had to take things slowly, and if anything did happen with Rachel, let Jake know.
Resolved, I sat up straight. “Can I ask you a favour?”
“Your face tells me I’m not going to like it.”
“Can you not talk to Sophie about this, at least for a little while please?”
Tanya screwed up her face at that. “We don’t keep secrets from each other, you know that. I’m working on her to move in with me, and she’s hesitant. I don’t want to give her any opportunity to doubt me.”
I held up a hand. “I know that, but for me, your best friend — and it won’t be forever, I promise. Just until the dust has settled, until life has calmed down a little. A couple of weeks, tops.”
“But Sophie’s going to know you’re living here, that you split up with Jake.”
“I’m not asking you to hide that, that would be stupid,” I replied. “But can you just not tell her the reasons? She’s too close to Rachel.”
Tanya gave me a look.
“What does that face say?”
“It says I don’t think it’s going to be as easy as that. Sophie lives with Rachel. Rachel lives in this building. And Fit & Tasty uses this flat as their filming base. So avoiding the pair of them isn’t going to be easy.”
“It is if I know when they’re filming and I get out of the flat.”
“You’re not carrying on with the channel?” Tanya’s voice was laced with surprise.
“Not right now, I can’t.” That part was just too difficult to even focus on, so it was best shelved until further notice.
“But you know Rachel will come up to see how you are. You’re friends, after all.” She took a swig of her beer, never taking her eyes off me.
I sucked on my top lip. Even the thought of seeing Rachel was making my heart beat like crazy. “I know we’ll run into each other, it’s inevitable. And when we do, I’ll deal with it.” I said that last bit with utter conviction, even though my body was telling me anything but. “I just don’t want her to know the reasons behind my break-up with Jake. Not right away.”
“Obviously.”
“So you’ll keep quiet for now? For me?”
Tanya eyed me before slowly nodding her head. “If Sophie asks, I’ll just tell her things weren’t working out for you and Jake, nothing more.”
“Thank you.” I gazed at my best friend, then shook my head. “How can life get so complicated, so quickly?”
Tanya smiled. “It happens. Look at me — I remember when Gran died and I first thought about taking Delilah. I didn’t think I could do it. Stupid, really: Delilah was gran’s dog, so I worked it out.
“Same with you. This is huge right now, making the step, changing your life. It’s going to be bumpy and painful, but in the end, it’ll be worth it, wherever you end up. You’ll find somewhere new to live, and you’ll get a girlfriend if that’s what you want.”
Tanya sat forward, taking my hand in hers. “But go after what you want, Alice, because life’s short. Don’t live your life in the shadows just because you don’t want to hurt Jake. That’s not how it works. Now you’ve made such a drastic change, you owe it to yourself to follow through.”
I stared at her long and hard before I nodded. “I know you’re right, but I just need a little time.”
“Don’t take too long, because if this is who you really are, you’ve already wasted long enough.”
Chapter 9
The following morning and I’d slept surprisingly well. Over the past few months, I’d got used to waking up and staring at the ceiling while Jake snored softly beside me. But now, Jake was no more, and perhaps my conscience was clearer because last night, laying in Tanya’s spare bed, I’d dropped off to sleep with ease, just as I’d heard Sophie’s voice in the lounge.
Tanya’s girlfriend had given us time alone, but she’d come up to sleep when Tanya h
ad texted her saying the coast was clear. It was only a matter of time before Sophie moved in officially, seeing as she was here most nights anyway. Tanya had even given her a drawer, which had made me smile.
Sophie had a drawer: that was commitment.
I thought of my drawers full of stuff at our flat — Jake’s flat — and wondered how he was feeling today. I rolled over and picked up my phone from the bedside table. Should I send him a text? Was that a bit callous when I’d just walked out on him the day before? Perhaps. I dropped the phone on the duvet and it didn’t make a sound.
Rachel drifted into my mind, and her affirmations. Right at this moment, if she was in, she was only ten floors below me — and that made my stomach wobble. Was she lying in bed, staring at her ceiling, thinking of me, too?
Of course she wasn’t.
She was probably in front of her mirror, doing her affirmations, the thought of which made me smile.
Perhaps I should do some affirmations to get my new life going. But what should they be?
I frowned as I tried to come up with some.
“I will make Rachel interested in me.”
Nope, that still needed more work. How about: “I am deserving of love and am open to it being from a woman.”
Not bad.
I stared at the ceiling, still brilliant white, seeing as Tanya had the whole flat redecorated recently. The spare room walls were the colour of martini olives, and the room was spacious, too, with a king-sized bed, wardrobe with chunky handles, and a multi-coloured chest of drawers that had no doubt cost more than a week of my teaching salary. Tanya was a corporate lawyer, after all, so money was no object. Even her spare room, most people’s dumping ground, reflected her perfectly: cool, calm, expensive.
A pressing on my bladder meant I had to get up, so I hopped out of bed and flung on some shorts, before making my way down the hall to the bathroom, all cool grey tiles, shiny mirrors and hotel chic. One day, when my life was sorted, I’d own a bathroom like this.