by Clare Lydon
“Now you’re straying over to the dark side, I’m just checking to see if you’re exhibiting any more tell-tale lesbian signs than before.”
“And what’s the verdict?”
“Everyone thought you were gay anyway, so there’s not much to work with.”
“You make a girl feel really special, you know that?”
“It’s all part of my charm, just ask Sophie.”
“And how is your girlfriend?”
“Still with me,” Tanya said, an extra spring in her step. After the nonsense Tanya had put up with concerning her family, I was so pleased she’d opened up and let Sophie in. Tanya had a chequered history when it came to dating, but Sophie had managed to cleave open Tanya’s heart, which was no mean feat.
“And how is my lovesick friend?” Tanya gave me a gentle smile.
“Fed up of house-hunting. I’d forgotten how soul-destroying it is.”
“Today’s first flat was a no-go?”
“A bright pink sharing nightmare.”
She nodded. “Right. And the next one is a one-bed flat?”
I nodded. “Yes, it’s something I can afford on my own, which instantly makes me suspicious.”
“Me, too.”
We arrived at the block of flats, only a ten-minute walk from Tanya, and went to take the lift, but it was out of service. Not a good start.
We climbed the four flights of stairs, already replete with the aroma of urine even though the flats had only been built a year previous, and met the estate agent just showing out the previous viewing. He gave us a grin, before patting down his overly gelled hair and ushering us in.
“Ladies,” he said, which didn’t endear him to me at all. “Is it the two of you looking?”
He had on a cheap blue suit and a novelty summer tie, with a beach scene and cocktails stamped all over it.
“Just me,” I replied, walking down the narrow hall and into the cramped room with a small kitchenette in one corner, a pull-down table on the wall and a small, battered two-seater sofa in the middle.
This wasn’t going to be my future home: it was the sort of place people came to die.
Tanya gave me a panicked stare as if even being here had stained her day.
Once we’d viewed the bedroom — more akin to a coffin — we made our excuses and left.
We took the stairs two at a time, almost not breathing till we arrived at the bottom and sucked in a good lung of fresh air. It was another few seconds before Tanya spoke.
“So you’re not moving in there, just so we’re clear.”
I laughed. “I know, but it doesn’t solve my housing issue, does it?”
Tanya moved her hair out of her face. “The way I see it, you don’t really have a housing issue.”
This was news to me. “How do you work that out?” I squinted into the sunshine as we retraced our steps back to hers.
“You’re living with your parents at the moment, which isn’t the end of the world like it would be with mine. I mean, your parents are brilliant and funny, whereas mine would give Donald Trump a run for his money. So it’s not an immediate crisis, is it?”
I shook my head. “No,” I replied. “But living with your parents in your 30s isn’t a very sexy look, you have to admit.”
“Living with your cool parents in Marylebone temporarily till you sort yourself out isn’t so shabby.” Tanya paused, leading me to a bench by the river and sitting us down. Once there, she twisted her body so she could see my face when she was making her point. “Plus, my spare room is still there, it’s you who ran away from it.”
“You know the reasons why,” I replied. “Plus, I don’t want to play gooseberry to you and Sophie.”
“Sophie and I can cope, we’re adults. You’re going through a tough time, and I want to do all I can to help you.”
Tanya wasn’t soppy often, but she was my best friend, one I knew I could count on. “Thank you, that means a lot.” And it did. Behind her hardened exterior was a heart of gold.
She put an arm around me. “You mean a lot to me. And that applied when you were with Jake, and it applies now you’re thinking of taking a trip to gay town. It applies wherever and whoever you end up with.”
I gave her a sad smile. “I know,” I whispered.
“No movement on the Rachel front, I take it?”
I shook my head. “Not now she’s got a girlfriend.”
“I’m not sure she’d call her a girlfriend.” Tanya raised an eyebrow. “She’s only been out with her twice, and after their second date, Sophie said Rachel had more to say about you than Hannah.”
That was the best news I’d heard all day. “Me? What did she say?”
“That it was nice to see you, even if you did pin her to a table.”
“Slight exaggeration,” I replied, coughing over my embarrassment. “Let’s not discuss it too much, I’m still getting over it. Sabrina was with me and she’s still texting me about it.”
“I can imagine,” Tanya said. “My point is, Rachel still thinks you’re good friends, so you shouldn’t shun our building just because of her. Maybe get control of your impulses to throw yourself at her, but other than that, my place is big enough and it’s a good interim option for you.”
I stared out to the Thames, thinking it would be lovely to live near the river. I never had before, but coming over to Tanya’s flat had always brought a sense of inner calm.
Was she right? Should I take the easier option and move back in with her? It seemed logical and yet, being so close to Rachel also seemed like it might be the death of me.
“And just to reiterate, Sophie says she doesn’t think this new woman Rachel’s seeing is going anywhere.”
Really? A tiny shoot of hope sprang up in me as I sat up straight. It was small, but it was there.
“They looked okay when I saw them.”
“Well Sophie says otherwise, and I’d trust her. She and Rachel have been having quite a few chats lately, and they’ve all involved you.”
What did that mean? Whatever, I couldn’t help the smile that invaded my face.
Rachel’s girlfriend might not be her girlfriend, and she was talking about me.
“And while you’re sitting there grinning, I have some other news.” Tanya paused. “Sophie’s moving in with me at the end of the month, so Rachel’s spare room is free if you don’t want mine.”
“That sounds like the perfect solution to my housing issues, why didn’t I think of that?” I slapped Tanya on the arm. I knew she was joking, but I didn’t need to think about Rachel home alone, in need of some company. I would love to give her that company, but not if she was bringing her girlfriend home.
Shit, imagine that: me having to act like her straight friend while she kissed Hannah.
A full shudder went down my body even considering it.
If Hannah ever did go away, I had to tell her.
“I thought you might say that, but my offer of my spare room still stands. Remember our pact at university?”
I smiled as I thought back. Tanya and I had met at university 18 years ago, and we’d always said that wherever we were in our lives, we’d always have a room for each other. Tanya had lived with me very briefly in our 20s, but I’d moved in with her three times so far. She was my port in a storm, and she’d never let me down. I’d even moved in with her and her previous girlfriend Meg for a couple of months.
“I remember,” I said. “But in our 30s, the pact is wearing thin, isn’t it? Am I still going to be coming to you in my 40s and 50s?”
She laughed. “Whenever we need each other.” She looked away, then smoothed her hand over the bench. “You know, this bench played a role in Sophie and I getting together.”
“It did?”
“Uh-huh. You know when Gran died and my parents were trying to get rid of Delilah?”
I nodded. Tanya had had a terrible time last year after her gran died, leaving behind her much-loved dog.
“I used to come here to thin
k about what to do — with Delilah and with my mum. Sophie always seemed to be walking a dog past here and we’d sit and chat. It was her who convinced me to take Delilah, and her who helped me do it.” She smiled at me, her eyes sparkling with emotion.
“When you find someone who makes you feel something you’ve never felt before, like we did, you shouldn’t just ignore it.” She nudged me with her elbow. “And if Rachel does that for you, don’t give up just yet.”
I didn’t reply, just looked out to the river. Where Rachel was concerned, my feelings were churned up good and proper.
“Anyway, I hear from Rachel you’re coming over to record a shoot on Saturday — which I think is great. You shouldn’t stop doing that just because you split up with Jake.”
“Let’s see how Saturday goes before we make any big decisions.”
Tanya nodded. “Okay, no big decisions before then.”
Chapter 17
“And that is a wrap!” Tanya said from behind the camera, giving us a double thumbs-up.
I turned to grin at Rachel, swallowing down the bullets of emotion ricocheting around my body. I’d made it through the shoot and things hadn’t been too awkward. Tanya had told me to loosen up a couple of times, but I’d managed to trade words with Rachel without blushing too much, and I blew out a long breath, happy we were done.
Jake had been true to his word and disappeared before I arrived, which I was grateful for. We’d been split for three weeks, and I was still dreading the first time we laid eyes on each other. I’d rather we didn’t have an audience when it happened, but all things considered, this morning could have played out far worse — and I had Tanya to thank for that. She’d volunteered to go behind the camera to stand in for Jake, and she’d kept things running when I’d stuttered around Rachel at first, before we’d settled into our established rhythm.
“I’m just nipping downstairs to see Sophie, back in a tick,” Tanya said, scooting across her lounge and out the front door before I could process her leaving.
And now I was alone with Rachel.
Deep breaths, I could do this.
“So that went well.” Rachel picked up the saucepan she’d been using — this morning she’d made healthy muffins, with a sinful toffee sauce to dip them in. The live chat would go mad for them when we posted the show, which was no surprise — who didn’t like muffins and toffee sauce? I’d tasted them, too, and they were beyond delicious.
When I’d licked the spoon, I’d had a fleeting image of licking the toffee sauce from somewhere else, but I’d quickly shut down that part of my brain. Those thoughts were for private time, not on camera.
“It did, I remembered what to do despite being absent for a few weeks.” I pushed my hair back off my face, my hands needing something to do.
“You’re a natural in front of camera.” Rachel glanced my way, before busying herself at the sink washing up the saucepan, her shoulders hunched.
“I wouldn’t go that far.”
I ground my teeth together, rooted to the spot.
My eyes were glued to Rachel’s shapely bum, small but perfectly formed, currently clad in denim shorts. My gaze slid down her pale legs, then up her back — I could make out the delicate curve of her shoulder blades through her royal blue cotton tank top.
It was as if when Tanya left, she took a little of the oxygen from the room, and now I was struggling to breathe.
For want of something to do, I fanned myself.
“It’s hot in here,” I said, my body burning up.
Rachel put the pan in the drying rack, then turned to me — and the look in her eyes nearly took all my remaining breath away.
She looked… hungry.
Her gaze held me in place, and right at that second, I would have done anything she wanted me to do.
Anything.
Then, as Rachel’s eyes travelled up and down my body, before landing on my face, I wondered again if she was feeling it, too.
This connection, this longing, this want. This overwhelming emotion that had settled on the room, and was threatening to swallow me, whole.
I had to say something to break the tension. I searched my brain for a topic of conversation.
“How are things going with Hannah?”
Of all the subjects in the world, that was the one I came up with?
Rachel winced, her body language telling me more than any words could. “Not so good.”
But before she could tell me anymore, there was a knock on the door, and I’d been so focused on what Rachel was going to say, it almost made me jump out of my skin.
We both looked to the hallway, then back at each other.
“Tanya must have forgotten her key,” Rachel said, biting her lip.
“Right.” I dragged my gaze away from her and walked to the door.
I opened it, almost not paying attention to who was there — but all that changed when I saw who was standing there.
It wasn’t Tanya.
It was Jake.
If my body had been alive with want before, seeing Jake was like having a bucket of cold water poured over my emotions. As he stared at me, I felt like I’d just been caught with my pants down, and my first instinct was to slam the door shut in his face and pretend he wasn’t there. I wanted to dash back into the warmth of whatever had been going on between Rachel and I.
But I knew that wasn’t possible.
I knew, because Jake was staring at me with a pained expression on his face, his foot twisting back and forth as it did when he was nervous and would rather not deal with the situation.
I understood his pain.
“It’s you,” I said, only now processing the correct emotions you were supposed to have when seeing your recent ex for the first time since you split. Anguish slithered down me, and I recalled that he was the wronged party here, and I the aggressor. “I thought you were done.”
He nodded. “I was — but then I realised I’d left my wallet on the balcony, which I know is not ideal.” He pulled himself up straight. “How are you? You look like you’ve lost weight.”
He was putting so much emphasis into being nice and civil when I really didn’t deserve it, but that was Jake.
I shrugged. “Eating hasn’t been a top priority.” I took a deep breath. “How are you?” After I took your heart and ripped it to shreds?
Jake shrugged, playing it down as I knew he would. “I’ve got a few new clients and the channel’s really taking off, so I’m keeping busy.” He paused. “But I still miss you.”
My heart caught in my chest and I didn’t know where to look.
Because I didn’t miss him, not like that. And knowing he did made me feel terrible.
However, I couldn’t help how I felt: my heart was now fully focused on a new target. Unbeknown to him, Jake had just gatecrashed my target practice.
Just as I was thinking that, the lift doors slid open to reveal Tanya, looking flushed and happy, keys hanging from her fingers.
When she looked up and saw us, she froze, not stepping out of the lift.
I went to say something, but nothing came out.
Jake turned and smiled at her, giving her a little wave.
Tanya held up her index finger. “Just remembered I forgot something,” she said, lying through her teeth, pressing the lift button again. “Back in a bit.”
The doors slid shut, leaving Jake and I in the hallway.
“Have you finished recording?” He looked past me, at the still ajar front door.
Ignoring the fact I hadn’t replied to his statement of missing me.
I nodded. “Just now.” I put my weight on one foot, then the other, breathing deeply and trying to avoid his stare. He was being too kind and that would be my undoing.
“Can I come and get my wallet?”
Could I cope with Jake and Rachel in the same room? I was about to find out.
I stepped back and held the door open. Jake followed me in, and when Rachel looked up, she tried to cover her surprise
.
“Hey, you’re back,” she said, drying her hands on a tea towel, watching Jake with interest.
He nodded. “Just going to get my wallet, I left it on the balcony.” He glanced at me. “You want to come out there with me?”
No of course I didn’t, but I couldn’t say no, could I?
I nodded, avoiding Rachel’s gaze and followed my ex out onto the balcony, the sunshine blinding, in contrast to my mood. I wasn’t sure what Jake wanted to say, but I was pretty sure whatever it was, I didn’t want to hear it.
I squinted as he picked up his wallet and folded his arms across his chest.
“I’m not going to pretend this is easy, because it’s not. I still love you, and that’s going to take a while to leave me.”
“Jake,” I said, but he held up his hand, taking a deep breath.
“Let me finish, this is hard enough.”
He’d practised this, hadn’t he? I shut up and listened.
“But because you haven’t told me you love me, and because by moving out and leaving me you made that pretty clear, I get it. We’re done. But we also have to work together, which makes things tricky. Today has been massively awkward, but let’s try to be adults about it where the channel is concerned, agreed?”
I nodded, sensing he wasn’t quite finished.
“I’m sure it’ll be tricky at first, but with time, who knows, we might even become friends. I’d like that, and I think it’s only fair to Rachel we’re not at each other’s throats every time we’re filming.”
I took a deep breath, nodding. “I agree with everything you said, and I appreciate your honesty.”
He shrugged. “I don’t have much of a choice, do I? I thought about being an arse, but where would that get us?” He looked at the ground and swore lightly under his breath. “I’d rather steer clear of you because, look at you,” he said, waving a hand in my direction. “Being around you and not being with you is hard. Really hard.” He looked down, clutching one of Tanya’s balcony chairs as he took in a deep breath.
If he cried, I might start, too.
“This is a transition for all of us,” I replied. “And I want the same thing you do: for us to be friends and to make the channel a success. I’m still on board with that.”