by Katie Zhao
Nancy: Yeah I’m out with Alexander rn. We’re having fun Tell you everything later!
An incoming text notification flashed on my screen, but it wasn’t from Krystal.
Peter: Alexander Lin can’t make you truly happy, and I think you know that.
My heart hammered in my chest. I whirled around, searching the crowd, looking for that slim, familiar outline. Peter was nowhere to be found, but there were so many people around today that I couldn’t say for sure he wasn’t hiding in the crowd somewhere.
Or Tip Tap. Maybe someone had snapped a photo of Alexander and me and posted to Tip Tap, and Peter had seen it.
Whatever. It didn’t matter. I wasn’t going to let that knowledge spoil this moment.
“Let’s, um, let’s go closer to the fountain,” I said to Alexander.
“Oh, sure.”
I grabbed his hand and tugged him into the crowd. Now we were surrounded by stoned students and families with small children, but hopefully we could get some privacy from watching eyes.
Alexander Lin can’t make you truly happy, and I think you know that.
Alexander, staring at the fountain. Alexander, no longer smiling, a weary expression on his face. I wondered what was on his mind. I wondered if it was Eric.
I dropped my gaze to Peter’s text again. I should block his number. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
Peter couldn’t be trusted. He was good with words. Good with toying with emotions. Good with spinning a web of lies, spinning people—spinning me—into traps. Ambitious to a fault. Ambitious, and willing to break the rules to get what he wanted.
But a whisper, a whisper in the back of my head.
Isn’t that why you liked him in the first place? Aren’t you two more alike than you are different?
Alexander didn’t have an ounce of destruction in him. Not like me. Not like Peter.
Krystal’s words, gnawing at my insides. And Alexander—well, I hope you’re not going to break his heart one day. Like Jamie broke mine.
“Are you still talking to Peter?”
Alexander’s words startled me, and I nearly dropped my phone. Too late, I looked up and realized he’d seen it. Seen the text.
“I . . .”
“Nancy, you can’t have everything,” Alexander said. And now, the happiness in his face was replaced with bitterness, with frustration. “I like you. You’ve got to know that by now. And I’ve been trying, but it’s like . . . you never let me in, and you’ve got this thing with Peter, and I don’t get it. I thought you asking me on this date was you trying, but . . .” He shrugged. Then his shoulders slumped. “You’re still thinking about him. I guess I shouldn’t have expected anything else.”
I had no response. No response, because he was right.
“So what do you want to do, Nancy? Because I need to know where we stand with each other.”
I wanted to tell Alexander I liked him, too. That he was wonderful. That he deserved the world, deserved better than me.
And Alexander—well, I hope you’re not going to break his heart one day. Like Jamie broke mine.
If we took the plunge, I was going to hurt him. I’d already hurt him. And Peter—I still had one thing left to do with Peter, something only he could do for me.
After, if Alexander still liked me, maybe something could happen. But that was selfish of me, and I wouldn’t ask him to wait.
“I . . . I think I need time. And I want to stay friends.” There. The answer that was hardly an answer, but the only answer I could give.
Alexander closed his eyes and tilted his face toward the sun. “Yeah, I expected this.” Shoved his hands into his pockets. Attempted a rueful smile. “I’m gonna need some time, but I’m good with being friends. And Nancy . . . I hope you know what you’re doing with Peter.” The smile slipped into a look of disappointment, and something darker. A warning. “Trust me when I say he’s no saint.”
Peter wasn’t a saint, but that was exactly what I was counting on. Peter wasn’t a saint, but neither was I.
“If you’re going to get involved with Peter and his crowd again, you should at least know what they’re really capable of.”
And Alexander leaned in, and he whispered a secret in my ear. The secret that changed everything. The secret that would give me everything.
The date ended quickly after that. I watched Alexander leave, taking long strides through the park, disappearing into the crowd. He didn’t turn back. It bothered me that he didn’t turn back, though I knew I had no right to feel bothered.
I swallowed the painful lump in my throat. I’d made my choice, now. There was no way but forward.
Once more, into the fire.
Once more, but this time I wouldn’t be burned.
I reached for my phone and dialed his number.
He picked up instantly. He’d been waiting. “Nancy.”
“I hate you.”
“You don’t mean that.”
No, I didn’t. I wished I did, but I didn’t. Hating Peter would make everything easier. Like hating Jamie would have made life so simple. And so boring.
“Listen up, asshole. Here’s how it’s going to be.” I reveled in speaking this way to Peter, in turning his own words against him. In his silence as he listened on the other end. “You once said that you’d give me everything, and I’m going to take it now. We’re going to appeal to the Board of Trustees and erase the suspension from my permanent record, using your family’s influence. You will make it happen, even if it means telling them the truth—that it was you who approached me. You owe me that much.” I paused. Quiet on the other end, but for Peter’s steady breaths. “You’re going to meet me, but somewhere public, and only to talk about how we’re going to strike this thing from my record. Understood?”
A pause. Then: “I’m impressed, Nancy. You’ve become more interesting than ever. What happened on prom night?”
A small part of me sang at Peter’s praise, but I tried my best to squash the feeling. “Peter. Your answer.”
“What makes you think I’d be willing to go to the board and say I was the one who started everything?”
“Because.” And power, a surge of power pulsed through me. My hands, shaking from adrenaline. “Because I know that secret about the Golden Trio. And I’ll let everyone know about it if you don’t cooperate.”
This time, the silence stretched. Finally, Peter said, “Tell me when and where to meet you.”
I thought fast. “The Green Bottle Coffee near the school, at ten sharp tomorrow morning.”
“See you then.”
I hung up before Peter could. And then I glanced toward the sky. And I said, “I’m sorry.”
Sorry I could not be the good girl Alexander, and my family, and this world wanted me to be. I could not chain myself to the safety of the ground when I knew I was born to fly. Born to burn fast and hot and bright.
One day, Alexander would understand. They would all understand. I would make them understand, make them see me, the real me.
This fire that burned loveliest, right before destroying everything in its path.
PLOT TWIST: Looks like A.L. ditched N.L. at the WSP fountain. F in the chat for N.L., boys. But good for A.L. Sometimes you gotta walk away before you get burned . . . —Anon
IN INCEPTUM FINIS EST
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Seven years ago, a one-line story pitch entered my mind. An Asian American high school student is found murdered, and her high-achieving friends become the prime suspects. Seven years and many life-changing experiences later, How We Fall Apart is now a real book to be found in real bookstores. I never dared to dream that a global publisher would one day take on such an emotionally raw, dark academia thriller with an Asian American main cast. I am so grateful for the many people who have made this day possible.
Thank you to my superhero agent Penny Moore, who has advocated tirelessly on behalf of me and my stories. Thank you for finding the best publishers for my work.
I started out writing young adult novels back in 2011, and a decade later in 2021, my first traditionally published young adult title is finally hitting shelves. Publishing YA fiction is a lifelong dream, and I couldn’t have done it without you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I look forward to many more proudly Asian YA titles in our future.
Thank you to my acquiring editor Hali Baumstein, who saw the possibilities in a much rougher version of this story, and took a chance on me. Thank you to my brilliant editor Sarah Shumway Liu, for challenging me to make this book so much more than I could’ve imagined it could be. The work was brutal while we were both going through it, so much of it done during the bulk of a pandemic, but I’m so proud of the finished copy and how much we’ve achieved together. Thank you for pushing me to make How We Fall Apart shine.
Thank you to my wonderful publishing team at Bloomsbury, as well as the editorial freelancers who helped proofread: Donna Mark, Jeanette Levy, Oona Patrick, Michelle Li, Jeff Curry, Nicholas Church, Alexa Higbee, Lily Yengle, Erica Barmash, Faye Bi, Beth Eller, Jasmine Miranda, Alona Fryman, Teresa Sarmiento, Jo Forshaw, and Tom Skipp. You’ve been so supportive and enthusiastic about these dark, angry teenagers, and I’m very grateful to you all for giving me the chance to write Asian dark academia. From publishing my debut middle-grade fantasy The Dragon Warrior to my debut young adult thriller How We Fall Apart, you’ve been in my corner championing my books from the beginning. Words can’t express how grateful I am for your support.
Thank you to the book blogging community, everyone from Bookstagrammers to Booktubers, to whom I owe so much. Thank you to the members of the #SinclairStudents street team who shouted about my book from the rooftops, as well as to those who weren’t members but showed so much support regardless, including but not limited to: Tiffany (ReadbyTiffany), Lili (UtopiaStateofMind), Alyxandria (AlyxandriaAng), Izzy (BookishlyIzzy), Sam (Never_Ending_Novels), Emmanouella (Em.Booknook), Julia (Julias.Booknook), Aashi (That_Brown_Bibliophile), Abigaëlle (Boohoo.Books), Catherine (CathsBookshelf), Krisha (BookathonBlog), Sofia (The_ Technicolour_Bookshelf), Hanna (HannaKimAuthor), Jordan (ReadingWithFaer-ies), Mike (TheLasagna), Sara (LyricalReads), Anandi (SleepyDoe), Shenwei (TheShenners), Blake (BlaketheBookEater), Tabassum (WhatIrinReads), Rameela (stars.brite), Leticia (BooksWith_Elle), Kajree (Paperbacksandpen), Katie (WhisperingofPages), Divyaa (DivReadsBooks), Karina (AFirePages), Aliya (LiyaReadsYA), Kate (Kates.lit), Rachel (LetMeintheLibrary), Minju (SchreavingThroughPages), Ace (PeachnAce), Juliana (TomesandThoughts), Delphine (DelphReads), Sai (ZanyAnomaly), Chloe (TheElvenWarrior), Sidhant (UpontheBookTower), Isabella (SolaceinReading), Cossette (TeaTimeLit), Rick (NekutheBookLocke), Krupali (MusingofSouls), Daphne (daphne.reads), Charvi (ItsNotJustFiction), Marloes (SubtleBookish), Areli Joy (WhatPollyReads), Katherine (kb._.reads), Maria (MariaHossainBlog), Cody (CodyRoecker), Artie (ArtieCarden), Saynab (SaynabReadsBooks), Eleanor (CosyBookCorner), Kayleen (BookaPlenty), Isabelle (Isabellestonebooks), Mika (ArinasLibrary), Avery (BforBookslut), Sabrina (Sabs-Library), Sagarika (Sagarific), Lay (BookshelfSoliloquies), Francesca (AHealthy-DoseofFran), Virag (Nerdy.bookdragon), Alexis (EvilQueenReads), Hayley (Hay.Reads), Brittany (ScienceOwlReads), Deepika (DeepinaBook), May (The.Mixed.Pages), Jackie (FabledFolklore), Nidhi (LailaofSerra), Haadiya (Her-BookishObsession), Sara N., Sandra (BookBlubbs), Meghana (Sunflowers_andstories), Rosa (Rosaredss), Izzy (Teen_Writing_101), Ahaana (WindowstoWorlds), Nora (NovelsWithNora), McKenzie (Cravebooks), Safa (Tea.books.magic), Katherine (Kat.Reads), Jordyn (RedThisstle), Caitlyn (TheCaitlynintheRye), Hallie (BookLoaner), Luna (BlogsLattesandJournaling), Kailey (IntheLandofPages), Bella (RainstormReads), Leeann (GeometryofStories), Raquel (PoisonBookNerd), Mari (MacnBooks), Paola (ANotSoWickedWhich), Birdie (BirdiesBooktopia), Saika (BooksWithTsai), Astrid (BookLoverBookReviews), Heaven (HeavenlyBiblio-phile), Kau (KoosReviews), Bianca (YourWordsMyInk), Noorain (NerdGurll), Naadhira (LegendBooksDary), Jacob (JacobRundle), Megan (BookBirds), Prutha (PruthaReads), Isabelle (ThisBelleReadsToo), Taylor (TaylorReads), Nihaarika (Svnshine.Reads), Michelle (musingsbymichelle), Thya (WiltedPages), Arin (TomesofOurLives), Ari (ReadingUnderStreetlamps), Aria (BookNookBits), Riv (DearRivarie), Kristi (ConfessionsofaYAReader), Grace (BooksWithGraceAnn), Mary Roach, Jordan (TheHeartofaBookBlogger), Jayati (ItsJustaCoffeeAddicted-Bibliophile), Ramnele (bookdragonism), Sophie (MindofaBookDragon), Marcella (MariaMarcellaW), Ja-Mel, Lily (SprinklesofDreams), Jen (PopGoestheReader), Tammie (TammieTriestoRead), Veronica (KollabSF), Rachel (RecItRachel), Paola (Gurerrerawr), Shealea I (ShutUpShealea), Khyati and Daman (BrownGirlsRead).
The above is not a full list, and by the time How We Fall Apart is published, there will certainly have been more book bloggers and influencers who have supported this book than at the time I’m writing these acknowledgments. So let me thank you all, every last one of you, from the bottom of my heart. You know who you are. Writing is a solitary experience. Releasing novels, especially as a new author, especially without in-person events, can feel like flinging your work into an abyss. Without reader enthusiasm for my books on social media, I would have felt so unbearably alone. Thank you for shouting about How We Fall Apart from the rooftops. I can’t thank you all enough, really and truly.
Finally, a most heartfelt thank-you to my family, and to my wonderful writer friends for supporting me throughout my journey. To Amélie Wen Zhao, Becca Mix, Grace Li, Aly Eatherly, Kianna Shore, Elora Cook, Francesca Grandillo, Lyla Lee, Andrea Tang, Aneeqah Naeem, Britney Shae, June Hur, Jamar Perry, Elinam Agbo, Diana Urban, Stephan Lee, Victoria Lee, and the many, many more friends who have been there for me from the start, or who I’ve found along the way—thank you for reading my words and letting me read your beautiful words in turn. I am the luckiest author to get to embark on this writing adventure with the best people in my corner. I can’t wait to keep sharing my stories with you.
BLOOMSBURY YA
Bloomsbury Publishing Inc., part of Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
1385 Broadway, New York, NY 10018
This electronic edition published in 2021 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
BLOOMSBURY and the Diana logo are trademarks of Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
First published in the United States of America in August 2021 by Bloomsbury YA
Text copyright © 2021 by Katie Zhao
All rights reserved
You may not copy, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (including without limitation electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, printing, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
Bloomsbury books may be purchased for business or promotional use. For information on bulk purchases please contact Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at [email protected]
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Zhao, Katie, author.
Title: How we fall apart / by Katie Zhao.
Description: New York : Bloomsbury Children’s Books, 2021.
Summary: Nancy Luo, Krystal Choi, Akil Patel, and Alexander Lin, juniors at Manhattan’s elite Sinclair Prep, are forced to confront their secrets after Jamie Ruan, once their closest friend, is found dead.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020056156 (print) • LCCN 2020056157 (e-book)
ISBN: 978-1-5476-0397-8 (HB)
ISBN: 978-1-5476-0398-5 (eBook)
Subjects: CYAC: Murder—Fiction. | Secrets—Fiction. | Preparatory schools—Fiction. | Schools—Fiction. | Friendship—Fiction. | Asian Americans—Fiction.
Classification: LCC PZ7.1.Z513 How 2021 (print) | LCC PZ7.1.Z513 (e-book) | DDC [Fic]—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020056156
Book design by Jeanette Levy
To find out more about our authors and their books please visit www.bloomsbury.com where you w
ill find extracts, author interviews and details of forthcoming events, and to be the first to hear about latest releases and special offers, sign up for our newsletters.