by T L Bradford
“Okay, that was very…insightful, now, what positive things do you have to say about Noah?”
Noah sways a moment and closes his eyes as if straining to come up with one good comment. Then he says, “Oh, okay, I got it. He’s a dapper dresser, and he’s always got… (burp)…a pen.” I feel the urge to save him from this humiliation, but know this is part of the therapy. He fronts like he has all of this self-confidence, but deep down, he sees himself as some loser.
“If you could tell Noah anything in the world right now, what would it be?”
Noah turns around with a dark look in his slightly unfocused, silvery eyes and says in a whisper, “I would have let you.” It’s vague, but I get it. He’s talking about the encounter at the waterfall. With that, he falls back with a smug look on his face and waits for my response. I give him none. I’m not sure what game he’s playing, but it’s starting to get dangerous. Point one goes to Noah.
Now Dr. Harris is addressing me. She asks me to portray Noah. I’m nervous about how he’s going to take it, but I muddle forward. I speak to everyone in the room using Noah’s superior attitude as bait. “Hello, everyone, my name is Noah Sinclair, and I will be joining you in therapy today. You’re welcome.” I hear giggles from the group. He hates to be made of.
“Noah, can you please describe yourself?”
Pretending to be Noah, I say in the most arrogant way possible, “If I were to describe myself, I would say I’m a darn good catch. And why not? I mean, I have the best of everything. Houses, cars, fame, money. What more could you ask for? I’m the perfect package.”
“Okay, Noah, what are your thoughts about Josh?” Dr. Harris asks me.
“Josh can best be described in zoo terms. He lives like an animal, lacks breeding, and can’t be trusted to control himself in various social situations. In other words, he’s a poo-flinging caveman.” I slant my eyes over to Noah to see how accurate my description of myself is. He still has that smug look on his face.
“Okay, Noah, what positive words do have about Josh?”
“Josh is in touch with his emotional side. He’s sensitive, open, and attentive. If you’re not careful, he may come over and start braiding your hair.” I see his half- smile at my humorous description of myself.
“I’ll ask you the same thing, if you could tell Josh anything in the world right now, what would it be?”
I think for a moment and decide to hit him back the same way he had done to me. “Make no mistake; this time, I’m not acting.” My response is just as veiled.
He’s sobering up now, and I see that furrow between his dark eyebrows that shows up when he’s starting to get angry — score one for Josh.
Sensing a change in direction, Dr. Harris asks us to drop the role reversal. She wants us to address each other about what we both brought up directly.
“Noah, do you have issues with Josh’s involvement in your personal life?”
“I do.”
“Josh, you feel compelled to reach out to Noah sensing he needs a trusted companion, is that accurate?”
“Yeah.”
“Noah, can you please tell Josh why you are hesitant to have him interfere in your life?”
“I’m a very private person, okay. I don’t like people up in my business.”
“Why is that Noah? What made you untrusting of others?”
“Getting my ass beat every day as a kid, I would say contributed to the issue.” I doubt he would have ever said anything about this to the group if he hadn’t already been half-drunk.
“You were bullied? Why did the kids bully you?”
It’s almost creepy to watch him morph from one personality into another. I’m worried she’s just scratching the surface of his problems now. He has a lot of deeper issues than I even realized. I’m betting he’s blocking out some part of his life that caused him trauma.
“I was different.”
“Were the other kids the only time you experienced physical harm?” she probes deeper.
Noah looks confused. “I thought this was supposed to be about me and Josh getting along, instead, your fishing around in my head for something else.”
“Well, to be honest, from what I’ve heard from you, it seems that you actually respect, admire, and regard Josh quite highly. It’s apparent you care for each other and have found a way to bond despite your differences. It does not appear that the nature of your friendship is the issue at hand here. The issue seems to be what is blocking your friendship from further progression. Josh seems willing to put forth the effort to reach out, and I think you would like to meet him, but you have something in your past which is preventing him from getting any closer to you.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He shakes his head dismissively.
“Noah, you mentioned things changed once you moved to Virginia to live with your grandparents and your father.”
He turns to stone.
“I’m not talking about that.” He is staunch in his words.
“Okay, I understand that is a touchy subject with you.”
She swiftly changes direction and then turns her attention back to me. “Josh, how does Noah’s rejection of your attention make you feel?”
“I’m confused by him. It’s mixed signals I’m receiving. Early on in our friendship, it was different; he was open, friendly, even playful at times. We talked about everything, did everything together. We were good. Then overnight he changed, and now he acts like he barely knows me. So yeah, I guess I’d say I’m disappointed because I feel I’ve put myself out there to be available for him to talk to, but he brushes me off like I no longer matter to him.”
Surprising me, Noah speaks to me directly. “Josh, it’s not that I don’t want to share things with you, but I can’t have you involved with some things in my life right now.”
“But those things are changing you as a person. And it pains me every day to see you drifting further and further away from me. We’ve been there for each other. We’ve shared things, and I’m not ready to let that go—”
“I’m not going anywhere—”
“—but you already have. Noah, we would spend almost every waking moment with each other. We were a part of each other’s daily lives. If I wasn’t over at your house, you’d be over at the guesthouse with me watching movies and keeping me company.” I start moving closer to him. “You are a part of my world that I refuse to give up without a fight.” I reach out and grab his hand.
He pulls his hand further away from me and looks around.
“I don’t know what you want from me. I’ve given you all I can give within our friendship. There are parts of me that can’t belong to you.”
“Why?”
“You know why. Josh, I can’t go there with you. I just can’t.” He is flustered now, and his strong drawl is coming out. All pretense has been forgotten, and we are two people hashing it out.
“What do you mean? Go where with you?”
He narrows his eyes at me and lowers his voice. “Stop now, okay?” He is desperate. I don’t let up. I’m going to have my say.
“I want to know, where is this place you won’t go with me?”
“Josh.” He gives me a warning tone.
“Tell me, because I think I have an idea, even if you won’t say it.” I have a challenge in my voice.
“Josh!” He’s gritting his teeth.
I lay it out on the line. “I don’t want to play these games with you anymore, okay? It’s hurting us both too much.”
Panicking, Noah gets up on his knees. “You’re going to open your mouth and say something you’ll regret if you don’t stop this now!” He is near shouting. I don’t care. I raise my voice and say what has been in my heart for a long time.
“All the time we spend together, the nights on the couch, the feeling in my stomach I get I when I miss one day of seeing you…”
“You’re confused, okay? You’re mixing our professional lives with what we have off the set, and it’s
not true.”
“I know what’s true and I’m not confused. I miss you. I miss you so fucking much. I want what we had. I want to feel you beside me, I want that connection we have…” He’s shaking his head and backing away from me. Then he puts his hands over his ears as if to physically block out my words to him.
“Stop!”
“You can’t say you don’t miss me too. I see it every time you think I don’t know you’re watching me. Why can’t you just admit it?” My voice breaks and I’m near tears and frantic with worry that I’ve pushed him too far.
“I can’t!” He’s screaming at me now.
“Tell me why Noah! Because what we have here is stronger than any friendship, and you feel that as much as I do. Why are you pushing me away?” I scream right back.
“Because I can’t be g-g-g-g.” He stutters and catches himself. His eyes open wide, scared at his own near admission. He comes back to reality, realizing he is in a room with other people. Then he looks over at me as though I’ve committed the ultimate betrayal. He’s starting to panic. He jumps up and runs out the door.
It gets extremely quiet in the room. Everyone is breathless from the display they just witnessed. Dr. Harris finally breaks the tension and says, “Well, I think we’ve just had our first breakthrough.”
Chapter 24
Noah
Isee the massive bird of paradise plant in the hallway, and it reminds me of home. Where I wish I were right now. Then, I proceed to heave my guts into said plant. Over and over and over again. This is not my proudest moment. I crawl into the elevator and somehow make it to our room. I grab my bag and start tossing all my stuff in without bothering to fold anything.
A few minutes later, I hear the door open. I continue frantically packing. It’s Josh. I don’t need to turn around to see him. I feel him no matter where he is in any room. He approaches me slowly and puts a hand on my arm to stop me. I whip my arm away and try to keep throwing items into the bag. It doesn’t stop Josh, though; he pulls my arm away again. I stop this time, but I keep my eyes down looking into the bag not wanting to meet his eyes.
He turns me around and forces me to meet his gaze. I expect to see anger or disappointment on his face, but instead, he has the most tender expression of understanding. I’m breathing hard from packing so quickly and trying to get away. He puts his large hand on the back of my neck and pulls my head down to his chest and hugs me tight. Unsure of how to respond, I put my arms around his waist and hug him back.
“You’re scared. I know. I am too.” Then he pulls back and holds my head with both of his large hands. “I don’t want whatever this is we have to be tainted, okay? No pressure to label or define who we are. Let’s just be us okay? I want my best friend back.”
Unable to speak, I nod, he pulls me into his big hug again then releases me and starts taking my things back out of the bag like it never happened.
Josh suggests we blow off the rest of the days, rent a car and see the sights of Kauai. No burdens, no talking about the sessions, nothing but the warm sweet trade winds, tunes on the radio and exploring this beautiful place.
We decide to hit a coast a day for our remaining days. First up is the North Shore, where we plan to visit the Napali Coast. We rent a blue Jeep Wrangler and hit the road. We get as far as Ke’e Beach and then take the Kalalau Trail. It’s a good thing we are in shape as it is an 11-mile hike with the most beautiful ocean views and lush tropical landscapes I’ve ever seen. The studio was able to wrangle our permits. Don’t ask me how; I was just grateful to benefit from the perks of fame for once finally.
I’m sweating my ass off and see Josh struggling too. The temps are very humid compared to LA. It’s all worth it, though when we see the beaches, canyons, caves and fauna that await us.
Later that day, we try our hand at snorkeling, a first for me, and windsurfing, a first for Josh. We both sucked hard at it and laughed the whole time.
All day, we pull off the side of the road and stop for food trucks and local vendors. We sit out by the beach, and we each eat a huge cone of shave ice. I get cherry; Josh gets the rainbow flavor. I laugh inside that he doesn’t get the irony.
The next day brings us to the East Side or the (Royal Coconut Coast), so named for the groves of coconut palms that grow in and around the areas. We get an early start and decide to try our hand at kayaking. We go to Wailua River State Park and boat down to the Fern Grotto, then take pictures at Opaekaa Falls.
Tired from boating, we grab some lunch in Kapp Town and check out the art scene there. I buy a Hawaiian handcrafted silver necklace for Gemma and a ring for my mother. Jacob, my stepfather, gets an aloha print shirt I’m sure he’ll get a kick out of.
We wander around and come across the Waioli Mission House and Church. It is full of historical information on the arrival of the missionaries to the island. Outside of the church, a couple has recently finished their wedding ceremony, and their friends and family surround them, giving their congratulations. It’s a boisterous and joyful site. They have opted for a low-key reception with a barbeque and music for their guests.
A strange thought crosses my mind, and I look over at Josh, who is also enthralled with the site before him. What would my life look like if Josh was part of my forever? Should I even be entertaining this idea in my head?
He must feel me watching him because he turns his head and gives me a slow telling smile. He was thinking about the same things as me. I feel it. I flush and say we should be getting along. There is a brief flash of disappointment in his eyes, then he recovers and picks up our things, off to our new destination.
To top off the day, we head to the Coconut Coast. There, we discover Lydgate Beach Park, which has rock enclosed ocean pools. I attempt snorkeling again and refrain from freaking out this time. The mere thought of enclosed spaces makes me shaky.
My personal favorite spot during our getaway is, without a doubt, the West Side. This part of the island is very different from the rest. Unbelievable natural wonders frame the small towns beneath them. We have driven about an hour away to the popular Waimea Canyon (the Grand Canyon of the Pacific). We hike through the rugged terrain and plunging valleys. It is an overwhelming and breathtaking view from over 3,600 feet.
Our next destination is Kokee State Park. At the north edge of the park, Kalalau Lookout and Puu O Kila Lookout provide panoramic views of the vibrant, green cliffs of one of the valleys of the Napali Coast. Josh hikes down one of these cliffs in an attempt to get a better shot when he slips and falls a short way down a cliffside. My fear for him overcomes my panic, and I take off on pure adrenaline to reach him. When I get there, he is safe, though scratched up at the bottom of the short cliff.
I throw out my hand for him to take, which he does, and pull him back up to the path. He has a long gash on his forearm. In my frenzy, I grab him close and hold him tightly to my chest, paralyzed in fear over what could have happened. I’m still holding his hand between us as I grip him tightly. “Don’t you ever leave me like that again.” I’m breathless and crazy with panic.
“I won’t. I promise.” He plants a small, quick, chaste kiss on my lips. It’s just an automatic reflex reaction from all the emotional scenes we play together where he does this very thing, but it helps to calm me down. I’m over hiking today, so we play it easy and visit two small towns, Waimea and Hanapepe to eat and shop for souvenirs to take back to our friends.
On our last day, we spend it on the South Side. It’s more touristy, but that’s okay, I’m still shaken over our mishap yesterday with Josh falling. We visit Poipu Beach Park and relax in the warm sun. Josh asks me if I want him to rub sunscreen on my back. I consider saying no, then decide, it’s not a big deal. It feels so good having his hands on me again. No one has approached or harassed us the entire visit, so I’ve started to let my guard down.
I then return the favor and grab the sunscreen from his palm. He turns around, and I rub the gooey cream into his skin. The few days out in the sun has done wond
ers for our complexions. We are both leaner and tanner than when we first came. Being out in the sun has made his blond highlights pop.
From this position, sitting in the back of him, I can observe him closely without feeling like a creep. He is absolutely gorgeous. His hair has grown out on top, making soft beach waves. He is in nothing but a pair of red mid-thigh swim trunks. He smells like salt and ocean, and I am intoxicated by him.
I begin slowly massaging the cream into his shoulders and notice how warm to the touch his skin feels. I also take particular notice of the seahorse-shaped tattoo on his left shoulder blade. I wonder what the story is behind that choice. My cream application has turned into a massage session as I find myself unable to take my hands off him.
I go deeper in the skin tissue to work out those knots in his shoulders. I move a little closer to do this and continue my steady rhythm. Then I hear a soft moan escape his lips and his head falls back slightly. I keep up the rhythm. He is breathing deeply, rolling his head from side to side. He lets out another stuttered moan this time.
I move my hands slowly down his back and near his waistband. I hear his breath suddenly hitch. I stop moving my hands and put the cap back on the tube, but I don’t move. Can’t move. He turns around and looks at me. We do nothing but stare silently into the eyes of each other. The bond is only broken by the sounds of a noisy family playing in the water. We both react as though we’ve waken up from the same dream.
When we return to the room, we clean up and get ready for dinner. We have reservations at a nice restaurant named the Hukilau Lanai in Kapaa. We choose to eat outside to take advantage of our last night on the island. The weather is perfect, with a slight breeze to ease the humidity. The lazy winds toss Josh’s hair around, making him look incredibly sexy like he just jumped out of bed after a hot night.
I order prime rib while Josh orders the veggie grill plate. As we wait for our food, we sip on our drinks. There are only a few people out on the lanai, so it seems like we are on a private romantic date. I won’t lie and say I do not like the way this makes me feel. The reflection of the candle dances in his hazel orbs. Josh does not attempt to hide the attraction he feels for me. On that note, neither am I. Long stretches of time go by where we say nothing at all and just smile and tease each other with flirty glances. I’ve never done this before, and it’s so refreshing to have this bubbly lightness in my chest. Is this what Gemma was talking about?