by Beth Moore
Flip back to chapter 8 in the pages of your memory where we talked about triggers of insecurity. Recall what we said about our tendency to stifle insecurities rather than allow God to flagrantly tend to them. Things that aren’t dead don’t stay buried. If we suppress our insecurities rather than inviting specific truth to supplant them, we leave ourselves wide open to the next onslaught. The result is a constant psychological roller coaster. We can feel generally secure and on the right track one moment and get completely derailed and go off the cliff the next.
We also discussed the downward spiral of reacting badly to the trigger and then, out of humiliation or self-condemnation, feeling even more insecure than we did in the first place. The next time around our reaction is even worse. The cycle can perpetuate until we spiral into a chasm of self-hatred, the last ounce of our security circling the drain.
Here’s the good news: we can spiral up instead. By choosing to have a different reaction even prior to having a different emotion, we can effect an immediate sense of heightened security. The reaction leads to a new feeling, and the new feeling leads to more consistent reactions. The result? We spiral up.
One of the most common human claims is that we can’t change the way we feel. That may be true, but we can change the way we think, which will change the way we act. And as we change the way we act, the way we feel also begins to change. In the breaking of every habit, someone wills it first and feels it later. Whatever you do, don’t shrug your shoulders and decide the prospect is too hard to do and too much to ask. What could be harder than fighting a lifelong battle with insecurity? Thank God we don’t have to wait until we feel more secure to start acting more secure. That’s the heart of living by faith until we live by sight. We act on the basis of scriptural fact and supernatural power rather than mercurial feelings.
If a woman doesn’t have the Spirit of Christ within her enabling her to do what she can’t, the pressure will prove too much and her strength too small. A tenacious countercultural mind-set will be impossible to maintain in the long run because she’s limited to her own current mood and the ebb and flow of verve. Hear me out for just a moment. If you do not have a personal relationship with Christ, I’m not trying to manipulate you, pressure you, or worm you into some kind of cult. My life’s passion is to see women like you really live and truly thrive. No matter how our beliefs may differ, you were created in the image of God and therefore possess a dignity that deserves my respect. I joyfully and unhesitatingly give it. You also possess the God-given free will to choose Christ or not, and regardless of what you decide, I’m grateful you came along on this journey.
I need to shoot straight with you though, lest you find yourself exasperated with another book that makes a promise it can’t keep. The human spirit on its own is not strong enough long enough to keep its security afloat in the shark-infested waters of our current society. You can still find help within these pages, and I encourage you to see it to the end. Some of our most practical applications lie ahead. The thing is, we don’t just need help with our insecurity. We need healing.
Grant me one chance to say this. If you’re not a believer in Christ, you can ask Him to come into your life this moment as your Lord and Savior, and you will instantly and permanently possess the divine power inside of you that I’m talking about—and eternal life besides. If you’re interested, look in the back of this book for the page entitled “So, You’re Considering Christ” and I’ll walk you through several simple steps. It will take all of five minutes. What happens if you do? The moment you receive Him, His Spirit takes up residency inside and you possess what the Bible calls “all-surpassing power” in “jars of clay” (2 Corinthians 4:7). I’ve encountered this supernatural unction countless times, knowing even in the moment that God was enabling me to do something that I was totally incapable of doing in my natural strength. It’s a high like no other high. It has also made my lows so very less low.
Here’s what this enablement looks like wearing human flesh: this inner source of inexhaustible force means that the next time a situation arises that would normally set off an internal security alarm, you have the wherewithal to react like a totally different person. A very secure person, as a matter of fact. You can stop in your tracks and first ask yourself how a secure person would respond. Then, by the power inside of you, you can do what that secure person would do. Your new actions are the way you call that deeply entrenched security to the surface. By faith, you summon what is inside to the outside.
But we don’t just want these kinds of results on rare occasions. We want to live here. That’s why it starts with one new action but ends with a whole new attitude. The action gets the security to the surface. The attitude keeps the security at the surface. Make sense? If not, I think it will over the next couple of paragraphs.
We will always have triggers of insecurity, but we get to decide whether or not we’re going to take the bait. I don’t recommend having no reaction. We are human beings with God-given emotions and visceral responses that don’t always show up politely. One reason God wrapped our souls in limber flesh was to give our emotions a means of expression. I recommend that you refuse insecurity the right to stalk every other reaction. If you’re like me, these may be refreshing new revelations for you:
We can be hurt without also being insecure.
We can be disappointed without also being insecure.
We can be shocked without also being insecure.
We can be unsure without also being insecure.
We can even be humbled without also being insecure.
Insecurity is more than a complex emotion. It is a lie about our God-sanctioned condition. While something may cause us to feel sad, confused, angry, or threatened, we have the power to choose whether or not it gets to assault our security. When we decide to be strong willed about what God strongly wills, that, beloved, is the epitome of empowerment. The next time someone says or does something to you that has the capacity to dent your security, instantly think one of these thoughts toward that person:
You can hurt my feelings, but you cannot have my security. I won’t let you. It’s mine to keep. You cannot have it.
You can criticize me and even be right about what I did wrong, but you do not get to damage my security. It’s mine to keep. You cannot have it.
You might have embarrassed me, but I refuse to let it fall on me so heavily that it smothers my security. It’s mine to keep. You cannot have it.
You may be so intimidating and threatening that I feel I have to hand a lot of things to you, but I refuse to hand over my security. Who you are doesn’t get to dwarf who I am. My security is mine to keep. You cannot have it.
Just a few days ago I got a letter from a woman who had no idea I was writing this book. She just wanted me to know how my Bible study had helped her through a harsh time. She said that ever since cancer caused her to require a double mastectomy, she feels like she sees nothing but breasts everywhere she looks. While checking out her groceries in front of glossy magazine covers with summer swimsuit editions, she silently testifies to God, Nothing has the power to make me less of a woman. I’m not going to let a pair of breasts tell me who I’m not. That’s what I’m talking about, sister.
Maybe some of you are too sophisticated to have deliberate thoughts as cheesy as those I suggested, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. Give it one week, and you won’t believe how divinely empowered you feel. Two days ago someone I love said something to me that would shoot a poison arrow straight to the heart of any woman. Just as my soul was about to wilt like a weed, I steadied myself and remembered our journey. Then I thought these words toward the person: You don’t get to go that deep. I refuse to let your words go all the way from my ears to the core of who I am. Nope. I’m not doing it. Do you want to know something? Later I still cried about the hurtful words, but I didn’t feel insecure. Injured? Yes, but I still had my dignity, and because I did, I bounced back twice as fast as I would have otherwise.
&n
bsp; You see, somebody may take that proverbial pound of flesh from you, but you get to decide whether or not they get your security, too. Those of us who have struggled with chronic insecurity have made a life practice out of attaching it to every other negative emotion we feel. We never let hurt happen by itself. We attach insecurity to our hurt like a conjoined twin. We never let humiliation happen by itself. We attach insecurity to our humiliation like a twin. We can never just feel like we look subpar that day. We attach insecurity to our appearance like a twin. We can never just deal with those ten extra pounds. We attach insecurity to our weight like a twin.
Let’s stop playing matchmaker with our insecurity. Let’s learn how to process something negative without automatically allowing it to keep company with our insecurity. Those other emotions are hard enough to deal with. Make them go solo. God gave you your security, and nobody gets to force it from you. You must make up your mind that the only way someone can take it from you is for you to hand it over. You have the right to hold on to security for dear life in every situation and every relationship. It’s the power of choice.
The power to choose is so inherently God-given that Scripture raises a gigantic red flag over people who make us feel so weak we can’t make a sound decision. Second Timothy 3:6 spits the truth right out on the page: “They are the kind [of people] who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires.” I totally resonate with Paul’s warning to Timothy. I remember being in relationships where my will was consistently weak and I felt almost powerless. I would determine in advance what decision I would make when the opportunity arose, only to lose all resolve once I was in the person’s company. In one case, I was head over heels in love but still felt an odd sense of relief mixed with grief when the association ended. A person cannot be whole in a relationship where he or she feels powerless to make healthy choices.
I’d like to suggest that what the Bible describes as a person who worms his or her way into lives and gains control over weak-willed people, one secular psychologist calls an “emotional predator.”13 Remember when I pointed out in the last chapter that none of the men answering the survey preferred insecurity in a woman even if it could give them the upper hand? That’s how remotely healthy people are supposed to think. Unfortunately, we’re sharing space on this planet with a number of individuals who are neither healthy nor remote. In fact, one of them may live in your house. Whether male or female, any person who enjoys and exploits another’s insecurity and sensitivity is an emotional predator. See if this description makes your skin crawl like it does mine:
Emotional predators learn that being aggressive often gets them their way. They rely on others’ anxiety as the key to getting their way. Naturally, physical abuse should not be tolerated at all. That should be grounds for any sensible person to leave. However, many emotional predators use verbal aggression as opposed to physical aggression to dominate a relationship.14
The emotional predator sometimes has redeeming qualities that complicate things considerably because they allow us to make excuses for the person and avoid drawing solid boundaries. Paul describes such a predator as having “a form of godliness but denying its power” (2 Timothy 3:5). Please hear this part with both ears: we are also explicitly told to “have nothing to do with them.” I want to be as clear in the next statement as absolutely possible: if you are single, I implore you not to marry an emotional predator. If you struggle with sizable insecurity, you could be a sitting duck for one. Rethink any relationship where you tend to be remarkably and consistently weak willed.
The power to stand at a crossroad and make a good, sound choice based on a solid sense of security is a gift from God straight to the souls of His image bearers. If you often feel unable to exercise that power in your current relationship, it is most likely not God’s will for you. If you can’t ease out of it gracefully and safely, please seek assistance and then do what I had to do: get to the bottom of that weak will and find out why you’re so easily swayed by emotionally dangerous people.
If you’re already married to an emotional predator, your obstacles are sky-high but not utterly impossible to jump. That’s one of the most beautiful things about God. Nothing is too difficult for Him. Please seek godly counsel and know that your insecurity and consistently weak will are not doing anybody—including your emotional predator—any favors. Secular psychology calls that being an enabler. Scripture would more likely describe it as a grace abuser. There is no greater form of extortion than the slow-bleed robbery of our sense of security. By all means, let’s not open the front door and invite the thief in. Or worse yet, take him to bed. Lord, help us.
Sometimes we don’t have an emotional predator on our hands. We just have an emotional wreck. I’ve been one and lived near more than one, so I’m not talking theoretically. At one time or another, we’ve all handed over our security to a person who doesn’t have enough of his or her own to stay up on two wobbly feet. How we think those individuals are going to carry us too is one of life’s mysteries. Whether the damage we sustain from an emotionally unhealthy person is intentional or not, we have the right to refuse people open access to our security and our dignity. We can also draw a few boundaries.
I’d like to single out one challenging area in particular where we must jealously guard our security before we conclude our segment on man-related insecurities. The threat of pornography has surfaced several times in this journey, but now we’re going to practice applying our new response to it. I have received countless letters through the years from women whose men are dealing with pornography issues and addictions. Ages and ethnicities vary, but from the tone of their letters, these women have at least two understandable characteristics in common: their self-esteem is shot, and their security is trashed. As if the feelings of betrayal and inadequacy aren’t enough, most of them decided to own the loved one’s problem. Certainly staggering numbers of women share the same sexual stronghold, so the things I’m about to share are just as valid in reverse gender.
Not long ago I got home from work a little early, poured a cup of coffee, and plopped down on the couch to let my mind rest for a few minutes. I grabbed the remote and tuned in to a show I’ve enjoyed no less than a hundred times. That particular day I listened to the very likable and persuasive host voice approval over the use of pornography to spice up a couple’s sex life. I had to rewind it to make sure I had heard correctly, and then I paced around my den for half an hour at my wit’s end and with my jaw dragging behind me. I wondered how many doors to a spicy new life would swing open that very night. What I didn’t have to wonder was whether or not the approach would instantly deliver what it promised. It was the thought of what else it would deliver that scared me half to death.
Like few other developing appetites on the human palate, a taste for pornography has an uncanny way of morphing into a binge with lightning speed. And this is one binge that’s terrifically hard to purge. No matter what your spiritual beliefs may be or whether or not they concur with a moral law, an addiction to pornography will eat a soul alive. Even if experts were to shove every spiritual and moral ramification aside as archaic and outdated, they would still have a hard time denying the long-term erosive effects on the individual. Anything that keeps our relational lives in a whimsical world and requires absolutely nothing from us but further self-absorption is a severe detriment to our security. The human psyche was designed for real relationships and cannot flourish amid nothing but fantasy. The plan to keep pornography at bay and not allow it to affect relationships is a bigger fantasy than the one on the screen or the page. Countless pornography addicts reach a point where they can no longer have sexual intimacy with a spouse. That sustained inability is often the first tip-off that something or someone else has entered the picture.
A pornography addiction severely blocks personal development, and if unstopped, eventually stunts productivity in every area of life. It is as insatia
ble as the grave. It cannot get enough. It will not maintain. It constantly demands something more. Something deeper. Something further. It catches you and then eventually it gets you caught. Pornography also turns the lock ever so quietly on the cell of solitary confinement. The irony is that it promises company but ultimately leaves its victim with all the psychological fulfillment of caressing a ghost. Contrary to the claims of our sensual culture, we were not created merely for sexual gratification. We were created for affection, and that requires another person.
I’m pounding the point in case your man has an ongoing issue with pornography and you’ve decided one of three things: (1) If you can’t beat it, you might as well join it. (2) Since he keeps doing it, you might as well look the other way and act like you have no clue what to do. (3) If he has rejected you for something or someone else, you are not worth having. Just look at yourself. Who would want you anyway? You’re pathetic. It’s all your fault. And if not, it’s at least all your responsibility. You convince yourself it’s all about you, then spend every last ounce of your security owning his problem.
Does any of that sound familiar? Do not think for a split second that I’m minimizing the pain and confusion of this issue or the natural viability of any one of those three options. This one is tough. It is also torturous to our security, so there’s no way we can avoid talking about it. If you are in this position, the first thing I want to tell you is this: there really is life after pornography for many couples. I am pro-marriage, pro-forgiveness, and pro-doing what it takes to work things out. One of the reasons Keith Moore and I have been married for thirty-one years is because we’re willing to sweat our way through a crisis. I believe that with God’s help and centrality, a couple can move through almost anything and flourish once again. Perhaps the couple will even come to a healthier, happier place than before. To state the obvious, however, doing nothing will never accomplish anything.