by Maggie Joan
The next four weekends, I gritted my teeth through having David ‘place’ me in the saddle.
“Good,” he said. “I think you’ve cracked the correct sitting position. Excellent, Blue. Really well done.”
I’d beamed like anything, absolutely ecstatic that I’d been given some rare received praise and also wouldn’t have to be positioned in the saddle by him anymore. The next week, however, was a little more interesting.
“You’re going to learn to canter,” David said. “And you need to learn to rock your hips in time with the horse’s motion and rhythm.” He stood at the side of the pony and placed his hands on my hips. “Just relax and let me show you.” He then pushed my hips backwards and forwards, grinding me against the saddle. “That’s what you need to do.”
I completely freaked out, jumped off the pony on the other side to where he stood, and ran around the back of the stables, crying. All it did was bring back memories of the last home I’d been in where the man did nothing but try and touch the girls all the time.
Joanna came around after me and put her arms around me. “It’s ok. It’s not that bad.”
I remember looking up into her green eyes and asking, “What’s not that bad?”
“What he makes us do,” she said, brushing some of my hair back from my face. “If we keep David happy then he keeps us happy.”
“But…but he…he touched me…it’s wrong.”
She flashed me a sympathetic smile and hugged me. “It can feel good sometimes. The first few times are painful but he’s really nice and gentle about it.”
I frowned. “It didn’t hurt.”
“Of course this didn’t hurt. I’m not talking about this part hurting.”
I froze, my heart stopped dead. “What hurts?”
Her cheeks flushed pink and she started fiddling with her ponytail. “When you finally make love,” she whispered.
My jaw dropped. I shook my head. “You’re lying.”
Her forehead creased into a frown. “I am not.”
“You just fancy him, that’s all.”
She shrugged her shoulders. “Fine. Don’t believe me then.”
As Joanna returned to the stables to go and ride, I thought about what she said. There was no way he would do that with her or anyone else but his wife. He seemed far too nice. My reaction had just been remembering things from my old home, nothing more.
I pushed it out of my mind and tried to carry on as normal. Two or three more weeks passed, David showing me how to rock my hips when cantering and me ignoring the raging memories trying to make me run.
However, the next night, after everyone had gone to bed, I woke up desperate for a drink. My glass was empty, so I crept out of my room and down the hallway to the kitchen. My room was the furthest away which meant carefully tip toeing past everyone else’s.
As I passed Joanna’s room, I heard whispers coming from inside. I couldn’t help but stop and listen.
“Good girl, Joanna, yes, just like that. Pretend you’re cantering across the field on Barney. Sit nice and deep in the saddle. Good. Yes.”
I froze. My heart backflipped several times. I couldn’t be hearing this right, surely? I reached out for the door handle and debated my options. The smart thing to do here would be to not open the door. Not Joanna’s door at least.
Two doors down on the right, Karen was sleeping in the twin’s room. Even my social worker didn’t believe me about the last guy so why would this be any different? I quietly made my way to the twin’s room and ever so carefully opened the door. To my surprise, Karen was awake and feeding one of them in the rocking chair.
“Hi,” she whispered, smiling. “What are you doing up at this hour?”
I put my index fingers to my lips in a shush motion and beckoned for her to follow me. She glanced down at the baby, still sucking the bottle, and shook her head.
“Please, Karen,” I whispered.
She pursed her lips and slowly rose from the chair, keeping the bottle in place and the baby happy. I grabbed her hand and tiptoed back to Joanna’s room.
“Listen,” I whispered, as quietly as I could whilst pointing at the door.
Karen stepped a little closer to the door. I heard David saying something about nice and deep again. Karen’s face paled.
“Take the baby,” she said, plonking him in my arms before I could protest.
She burst through the door like a stampede of wild horses. I’ll never forget the look on her face. Joanna screamed and covered herself with the duvet whilst David scrambled for his dressing gown. Lots of yelling and throwing of things ensued before the police came to take David away. When the social workers turned up, Karen’s hell became even deeper. David had been sexually active with all three girls, even six-year-old Emily.
Joanna, on the way back to her room to fetch her belongings, narrowed her eyes at me and said, “I told you I wasn’t lying. Look what you’ve done, you’ve ruined everything. Karen hates us, especially you. It wasn’t even your secret to tell.”
From that day on, any secrets I found out, I kept to myself. If I told people, they didn’t believe me, and if I let them find out for themselves, then I’d only be to blame and resented as a result. I literally couldn’t do right for doing wrong. Story of my life.
Chapter 12
The derelict barn was just that—an abandoned drystone building. The roof was intact though and old straw lined the floor, some of it black and mouldy, other parts ok if a little dry and dusty. An old wooden ladder perched against the back wall, leading to an upper floor. I really wanted to see what was up there, but my gut told me to stay firmly planted on the ground. The last thing I needed right now was to fall through a rotten floor and break my leg.
Deciding this would be a better place to stay than the woods, I sorted through the straw, chucking the mouldy bits outside and piling the better parts up into the back corner as a sort of soft chair/sleeping area.
By the time I was finished, my stomach was grumbling at me again, so I indulged in another biscuit. I settled down for an afternoon nap, hoping that by the time I woke, the moor would be empty of walkers and explorers so I could do some exploring myself.
***
Twilight. A beautiful time of day. The mix of pastel colours glowing above the earth were extraordinary, every single day. Purples, blues, and yellows painted the evening sky and I could do little more than stand and stare at it. This was the exact medicine I needed to piece my soul back together.
From where I stood, at the side of the old oak tree outside the barn, I had a perfect view of the river to the south. Just as I wondered if I’d ever see the Connemara stallion again, he reappeared, peeking out from the left of the small woods I’d stayed in last night. He must have circled around and come back to the same spot. Had he been there all day?
I watched him, his ears moving back and forth constantly, listening to the evening insects coming alive and looking for any danger there may be. He limped over to the river and started drinking, his rear end facing me once more. I went back to my bag and dug out my tube of Savlon. It was the best antiseptic stuff ever and I swore by it. If I managed to get close enough to him, he definitely needed something to stop his wounds becoming infected. If I could even clean them.
Watching him carefully, I started making my way towards him. I kept myself in the open so he could see I posed no threat. Only predators would use the cover of trees to creep up on an animal. I was surprised his owner hadn’t caught him and taken him back home but whatever the circumstances regarding his mysterious appearance up here, I wasn’t going to complain.
He finished drinking before I had even gotten anywhere near him. Looking out over the horizon in front of him, he was either ignoring my presence or hadn’t yet realised I was here. Considering horses have almost three hundred and sixty degrees of vision, I opted for the earlier option. Roughly sixty metres or so out, I decided to not startle him.
“Hey, boy,” I said, calling out to him softly.
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He turned his head, looking back at me, his ears pricked.
I took a couple of steps towards him which made him turn around, so he now faced me head on. His head up high and his whiskey brown eyes pinned on me, I knew whatever move I made had to be the right one. If he ran again, I’d likely never see him again.
A scene from The Horse Whisperer sprang to mind and I decided to try it. I had nothing but time out here. I sat down and watched him. My eyes never faltered from him once. After what felt like an age, he took a step towards me, bobbing his head up and down.
Resisting the urge to jump for joy, I bit my lip and waited him out some more. It took him twice as long to take a second step, but the second step became four steps, with him dropping his head to snatch at some grass.
I contained an excited squeal. He was curious. This was actually working. I thought about laying down but then realised that’s what predators do—hide in the long grass, peering out over the top, so I stayed put.
Hours ticked by at a definitive stalemate. He stayed the same distance from me, slowly grazing his way back towards the trees, but always with an eye and an ear watching me. His skin twitched around his wound, telling me that bugs were trying to get at it. It needed tending to asap.
With my legs going numb and my bum already having lost feeling, I knew I needed to move. I’d made such progress with him though I really didn’t want to.
“Hey, boy,” I said. “I’m just going to walk around a little bit. You’re making me lose the feeling in my legs.”
He snorted but carried on munching, still keeping a close eye on me.
As carefully and as slowly as I could, I rose to my feet, stretching out my muscles as I did. It felt so good, I couldn’t help but groan with pleasure. The stallion though, he didn’t move an inch. I breathed a sigh of relief.
I walked around in a big circle, flexing my legs and ankles and decided to be a little bit sneaky, just to satisfy my own curiosity about his curiosity. As much as I wanted to move towards him, I understood the moves needed to be his and on his terms. I knew from personal experience that the more someone tried to force themselves on you, the more you resisted, even if it was perfectly innocent and friendship based.
In light of that train of thought, I turned my back on him and walked back towards the barn. I wanted to look behind me so badly to see if he was following but I knew if I did, that would be it, ruined. He needed to want to follow me without realising it was exactly what I wanted him to do.
When I reached the oak tree, I took advantage of the shadows and finally turned around. I ran my finger up and down the tube of Savlon, hoping and praying he’d come close enough so I could treat him.
To my utter surprise, he had followed me, although he had allowed more distance to come between us. That didn’t matter though, the main thing was he’d taken steps in my direction. That was huge and I really wanted to do some sort of celebratory dance or at least jump up and down to release some of the pent-up excitement inside me.
I sat down again, leaning back against the tree, and watched him. He snatched a mouthful of grass then ambled closer, stopping when he was about fifty metres away. He carried on grazing, still careful to keep me in his eyeline.
Wondering if talking to him might help relax him, I started rambling on about me and my life, airing out all my dirty laundry for all animals within earshot to hear. He didn’t seem to mind in the slightest. I studied how he reacted to certain tones of voice. Whenever I spoke soft and quiet, he took a step closer. If I spoke normally, his ears twitched back and forth, and he stayed put. I didn’t dare raise my voice to test his reaction to that.
“You like peace and quiet, hey, boy?” I said, borderline whispering. “Me, too. Not had much of it in my circus of a life. Kinda makes me appreciate moments like this.”
I sighed and rubbed my eyes. Another cloudless night gave the moon full access to shine down on us, highlighting my way back to the barn for some sleep.
“You’ve worn me out for the night, boy,” I said, as softly as I could. “I’m going to hit my straw bed for some sleep. I hope you don’t stray too far.”
I stood up, carefully, and headed back to the barn. My straw bed fell perfectly in a strip of moonlight, almost like it was being highlighted for me by the heavens above. If anyone was up there watching me, I hoped like anything that they’d give me a break and let me do some good, even if it was just tending to an injured horse.
I fell asleep, watching the stallion graze. He’d stayed put and not followed me further which disappointed me a little but he was still watching me. For the second time in three days, I fell asleep with a smile on my face.
Chapter 13
I woke up to a snuffling noise. Blinking the sleep out of my eyes, I looked around, half dazed, to see the stallion stood under the trees outside the barn. Not the oak tree, the other trees closer to the barn, closer to me. He was sniffing the ground, blowing little clouds of dust up as he searched for food.
“Hey, boy. Good morning,” I said. “Busy night eating your way up here, huh?”
He flicked an ear in my direction but that was all I got. I frowned. Did I dare move? When I saw him pick up a piece of mouldy straw, put it in his mouth, and then spit it back out, I realised he was hoovering up the flakes of straw from where I’d thrown all the bad stuff outside.
I grabbed a handful of straw and held it out to him. He snorted as if to say ‘nice try’. Careful not to rustle my bed too much, I crawled towards him on my hands and knees, still with a handful of good, clean straw.
He allowed me to get within around twenty feet of him before he squealed and cantered off. I sighed and resisted the urge to face palm myself. Refusing to give up, I placed the straw where he’d been foraging and retreated back to my corner. I expected to wait hours for his return but to my sheer delight, and surprise, and wandered back over within a matter of minutes. I presumed the lure of the straw was what did it.
Whatever did it, the fact he was eating what I put out for him meant there was some basis of trust there. He could have run off, disappearing completely, or he could have chosen the grass to eat, but he didn’t. He chose to risk coming near me to eat the straw. If I could build on that then I’d be able to clean his wounds and hopefully make him better.
With his nearside facing me, and him only being metres away from me, I could see his injuries better, especially now it was daylight. He had two cuts—one on his shoulder and one on his knee. The one on his shoulder looked pretty superficial, but it had bled a fair bit. The one on his knee however seemed particularly nasty given the swelling around it. Flies were already swarming around the congealed blood, making him flick his foot every so often to get rid of them.
I needed to tend to that knee first. Glancing at my water bottle, I had just over half a bottle left which would be more than enough to wash away the dirt and dried blood. But of course, I hadn’t even managed to get within six feet of him yet.
“Was that good?” I asked him, as he ate the last piece of straw.
To my utter amazement, he took several steps towards the barn for a lone piece of straw on the ground near the entrance. Excitement buzzed all through my veins and my heart was racing like a racehorse. Would I finally get to touch him today maybe? With no time restraints or commitment restrictions, I felt like the possibilities out here were endless. Just me and this gorgeous horse, all alone, trying to figure each other out.
I took another handful of straw and very slowly pushed it towards him across the floor. He flicked his ears forwards, eyed me up for a split second, and then to my absolute surprise, he pawed at the straw with his good leg, moving it back towards him so he didn’t have to step inside.
“You clever devil,” I said, grinning like anything. “That’s sneaky.”
He twitched his ears back and forth and the gleam in his eyes almost seemed to be as if he were laughing at me. I studied his colouring, totally in love with him already. He was a dappled grey, but the softest m
ost gorgeous dusky colour of grey. With his dark mane and tail as well, he actually looked almost…
“Blue,” I said, smiling. “I think you can share my name. I’ll call you Blue.”
He picked up a piece of straw and chewed on it, nodding his head slightly as he chewed on it. I knew the nodding was only something from eating but I could pretend he was nodding in response to my statement.
Feeling bolder, I dared to move a foot or so closer to him. He put his head down, ears pricked, and snorted, but most importantly, he didn’t move. If he moved, it would be like taking two steps back. I restrained myself at this point. I’d made a move and he’d been ok with it. It was now his turn to make the next move and I would stay put until he did.
When he finished the straw at his feet, he looked inside the barn at the massive pile I’d made. He bobbed his head up and down and stomped his good foot on the ground.
“Oh no, Mr Blue,” I said, smirking. “If you want some more, you can go get some more. I’m not your slave.”
He pinned his ears back and stamped his feet again, pointing his nose at the straw.
I shook my head. “Nope. Your turn to move.”
He snorted and shook his head, making his mane go all wild and fluffy. Then with a swish of his tail, he turned around and ambled back to the trees. Damn it, I thought to myself. I really thought the straw might have lured him in.
“Where are you off to?” I said, watching him walk away.
I hoped like anything he wasn’t going to leave but if he did, who was I to stop him? Someone answered my hopes as he came to a stop under the shade of the closest tree, resting a hind leg and lazily swatting his tail at the flies pestering him without mercy.
The mid-morning sun had some serious heat to it. I dreaded to think how hot the day could possibly get if the temperature kept rising. With the sun being out and the moor such a beautiful place, I knew for a fact that people would be exploring the vast beauty out there, despite the sweltering heat.