by Eric Vall
Everyone was there, and I mean everyone.
Todd was relaxing on the couch, smoking a blunt as he watched some sort of conspiracy theory show on the TV. Beside him sat Cupi and Liby, who both looked just as engrossed in the program as he was.
Behind the original trio stood Oliver and a few other cultists, all of whom were standing there in their navy robes with their arms crossed. The looks on their faces told me that they were not as amused by the bullshit that was spewing out of the television.
Jane and Sia both sat at the breakfast bar and giggled as they spoke to each other in hushed voices. Given what the brunette and I had just done, I could only guess what they were talking about.
“It looks like Jacob is finally awake!” Sia smiled as I entered the room, and then she turned back to the brunette. “He was out for hours. You must have been extremely satisfying for him.”
Jane just gave a playful shrug. “I did my best.”
“We were just--”
“Oh, don’t worry, Jacob.” The brunette chuckled. “I already told them everything.”
“Everything?” I asked as my heart sank into my stomach.
“Every. Fucking. Thing.” Todd shuddered. “When am I gonna get powers that make me close off my eardrums? That’s something that would be really handy whenever I’m around you and your horny demon chicks.”
“You… told them everything?” I felt the color rush to my face.
“Why wouldn’t I?” Jane chuckled. “We’re a family. We fight together, break bread together, sleep to--”
“I’m gonna stop you there,” I blurted.
“Jacob, Jacob, Jacob,” Oliver started as he walked over, “there is nothing to be ashamed of. The cultists formerly known as the Cult of Azazel feel that transparency is integral to our mission.”
“Except for the whole, ‘secret blood cult performing rituals out in the middle of the forest at midnight’ thing, right?” I laughed.
“Well, yes, except that.” The white-haired man nodded. “The fact of the matter is, the more connections you make--”
“AKA, the more magical demon chicks you bang,” Todd explained.
“Thank you, Todd.” Oliver sighed and then continued, “The more connections you make, the stronger you’re going to become. And when you grow stronger, so do all of your followers.”
“Speaking of which,” I tried to change the subject away from Jane and I knocking boots, “what are we up to now, numbers-wise?”
“Four-hundred and sixty-three!” Sia interjected.
“I’m not a mathematician, but that sounds about right,” Oliver agreed. “Word of your second victory over Azazel has spread quickly, and almost every single sect of his cult has now sworn allegiance to you.”
“What about the demons in the cult?” I asked as I sauntered over and grabbed an apple from the fruit basket. “They probably weren’t too thrilled that a mortal was taking over.”
Jane chuckled. “That’s an understatement.”
“They were not pleased,” Oliver explained. “Most of them ran off and hid like the cowards they are, but some flew into a fit of rage and tried to kill their brethren.”
“And?” I asked just before I took a bite out of the juicy apple.
“They weren’t successful.” The white-haired man grinned. “You now have eight fewer members of the Seventy-Two Servants to worry about.”
“That’s what I like to hear,” I said as I walked over to Oliver and gave him a happy pat on the shoulder. “What about those other chores I sent you on?”
“You mean the demon slayings?” Jane asked nonchalantly. “We’ve taken out every single demon you’ve asked us to. In fact, it’s been almost too easy. I’m starting to get bored with the whole thing.”
“Of course it’s easy,” I explained. “I’m not going to send a bunch of mortals in robes after the high-level Servants, whether they have magic or not.”
“Yeah,” Todd agreed. “Leave that to the sexy badasses with horns.”
“On the topic of sexy women,” I continued, “how did everything go with the strip club?”
“Great!” Libidine bounced up and down excitedly. “I was able to sweet talk the cops out of investigating, with a little help from my mind-control powers, of course.”
“I found the deed to the place in one of Zepar’s office safes,” Sia explained. “Congratulations, Jacob, you are now the proud owner of the Velvet Lips.”
“Good to hear,” I chuckled at the succubi’s words. “What about the strippers and the bodies?”
“Those were a bitch to get rid of,” Todd mused.
“The bodies, or the strippers?” I asked, even though I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer.
“The bodies, bro,” the imp scoffed. “I had to drag ‘em all into a massive pile in the middle of the room, and then I burnt ‘em to a crisp with my Hellfire. Then I lit one of my joints with the fire from their bodies. It was pretty fucking badass.”
“He kept hopping around shooting fireballs and screaming ‘burn, baby, burn,’” Cupi added.
Todd just shrugged. “You woulda had to have been there.”
“As for the strippers, most of them hadn’t gone far,” the fit blonde continued. “I was able to catch up with them and told them they were needed for ‘police questioning.’ Of course, what I really meant was that I needed them so that Liby could erase this memory from their minds.”
“And?” I asked excitedly.
“You have an entire team of dancers for your club who have no knowledge of the events.” Cupi grinned. “Even better, they all believe that Zepar sold the club to you after it was damaged in a massive fire. They’ve agreed to come back to work as soon as the repairs are done.”
“How long will that take?” I questioned.
“If my calculations are correct,” Sia chimed in, “about a week or so.”
“Excellent!” I clapped my hands together with joy. “You four have really outdone yourselves this time.”
“It sounds like you had a blast!” Jane interjected. “You’re going to have to promise that you’ll take me on one of your adventures someday, okay? I’d love to meet someone like Beelzebub or Naamah or Bughuul.”
“No, you wouldn’t,” Cupi said from the couch. “All three of those guys are assholes. Trust me on this one.”
“Bughuul is that creepy motherfucker who steals children and teenagers away from their parents,” Todd explained. “Unless you wanna end up on a watch list, I wouldn’t suggest hanging out with him. I bet he’s one of those guys who looks like he hasn’t showered in months and drives around in a beat-up van with ‘Free Candy’ scrawled on the side.”
“Not exactly--” Cupi started, but Todd had more to say.
“He’d be easy to find, though.” The imp scratched his chin. “All we’d have to do is put up some posters written in chicken scratch claiming that we’re missing a dog.”
“I don’t think it works like--”
“Or we could just toss a backpack and schoolgirl outfit on Strawberry Shortcake over there and have her walk up and down the street for a while,” Todd continued. “That would be sure to draw him out!”
“Anything I could do to help.” Sia said way too seriously.
“I think what Cupi is trying to say is that you’ve got your facts wrong,” Libidine said timidly.
“What?” Todd sounded shocked. “That’s impossible. All the Toddster’s research is backed up by peer-reviewed work.”
“Todd,” I laughed and put a hand over my face, “a documentary on the Paranormal Channel is not a ‘peer-reviewed work.’”
“Lots of people review it before it goes out.” He shrugged. “That’s good enough for me.”
“Obviously they don’t.” Cupiditas clicked her tongue. “Listen to this guy! He thinks that demons only have magical powers because they used to be angels. Nothing about drawing their power from Lucifer or the different colors of Hellfire at all.”
I looked over at th
e TV to see what the blonde was going on about.
On the screen was the type of guy you’d expect to see interviewed on a paranormal conspiracy show. He wore a tan tweed sports coat over an unkempt white dress shirt with a bright red bowtie. His black hair was long and wild, and it almost reminded me of a mad scientist’s.
“Now you see,” his nasally voice explained, “demons can be categorized into many forms. You have your shapeshifters, spellcasters, tricksters, brawlers, and sexual deviants.”
“He’s sooooo wrong,” Cupi huffed.
The voice of the narrator now took over, and the image on the screen turned to one that we were all too familiar with.
It was Las Vegas.
“John Zeitmann was just a simple room service attendant,” the booming narrator tried to hype up his next guest, “until the fateful day he met not one, not two, but four demons.”
“So there I was, doing my job like normal...” The man appeared on the screen, and I recognized him instantly.
It was the room service employee from the Excalibur.
“Whoever this demon was, he was loaded,” John explained. “He ordered our most expensive bottle of champagne, and then when he was done with that one, he ordered our second most expensive bottle. That’s where the plot thickens.”
“Why does this sound so familiar?” Libidine asked curiously.
“Because it’s our story.” I frowned.
“When I go back to deliver the second bottle, the door of the suite has been blown off its hinges, and there’s this huge bull-like creature standing in the room,” the interview continued. “Which was now on fire, by the way. The creature and the man who bought the bottle were both tossing flames at each other. I dropped the champagne and booked it out of there as quickly as I could.”
“Zeitmann also believes that there were at least three more demons in the suite,” the narrator said in his monotone voice. “He claims to have seen them the first time he provided service to the guest.”
“So, the first time I go up there, I’m talking to the guy.” The screen now showed the room service employee again. “He was really nice, gave me a big tip and everything, but then, behind him, I see this little red creature with horns go flying through the air, and then two beautiful women running after him. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but now I’m one-hundred percent sure that was another demon of some sort.”
The documentary then cut to a picture of the Excalibur as it burned.
“Zeitmann claims that the firefight between the two demons is what ultimately destroyed the top floor of the casino resort,” the deep voice returned. “Further adding to these claims of demonic intervention is a video that surfaced not long after the incident.”
“What?” I gulped. “I made sure we were out of that building in seconds!”
But there it was, on the TV. It was a grainy video, taken from a few blocks away from the Excalibur as it burned. The cameraman was focused in on the roaring flames as they billowed out of the top floor. But there, at the very bottom corner of the frame, a human-shaped figure passed by in a blur.
The documentary rewound the footage, paused it, and then a red circle appeared over the figure.
“Could this be the demon that Zeitmann was talking about?” the narrator asked rhetorically. “We may never know the truth…”
“Holy shit, we’re famous!” Todd jumped up and down on the couch excitedly.
“I’m just glad that the footage was so grainy.” I sighed. “It looks about as credible as all the other paranormal videos out there.”
“So, one-hundred percent legit?” Todd chuckled.
“This John Zeitmann fellow seems to be causing problems,” Oliver said with a frown. “Shall we dispose of him for you, Jacob?”
“What?” I shook my head. “No! You have got to stop asking if you can kill people for us. Violence isn’t the solution for everything.”
“Except for when it comes to slaying demons,” Libidine spoke up.
“Well, yeah--”
“Or when there are some motherfuckers trying to kill you with enchanted bullets,” Todd added.
“Of course--”
“Or if somebody is threatening to hurt one of your succubi.” Sia nodded.
“Okay fine!” I conceded. “Sometimes violence is the answer… but not in this case. This guy’s totally innocent. Besides, nobody is going to believe him anyway unless they’re a total nutjob.”
“I dunno, bro…” Todd mused. “That footage was pretty convincing. Oh! I think Nessie Hunt is on next!”
“Point taken.” Cupiditas snickered.
“Do we have to watch that show?” Sia begged. “I’ve been in Earth Realm for weeks now, and I still haven’t had a chance to sit down and catch up on current affairs.”
“You want to watch the news?” Todd asked in shock. “Bleh.”
“I’m with Sia,” I retorted. “Honestly, now that we’re all caught up in the battle between Heaven and Hell, watching these show just feels like reliving a bad dream. The mortal news might actually give us a break.”
“Jakey’s gone all lame-o, too?” The imp snickered. “Double bleh.”
I picked up the remote and switched the channel over to one of those twenty-four-hour news stations.
Currently, the station was showing live coverage of a political rally here in Phoenix. A younger man with sleek, parted black hair stood at the podium in a charcoal suit as he made promises to the people of Arizona.
“Politics?” Todd gagged. “Triple bleh.”
“As your new Representative from Arizona, I’m going to ensure that Proposition Sixty-Six passes through Congress and gives the land back to you, the people.” The man’s voice was somewhat effeminate, but elegant and commanding. “For too long have the greedy business owners of America sat on empty property, land that could be used for the public good. Land that could be a new park or a new community center for locals to enjoy. Places where hard-working Americans could go to spend time with their families after a long forty-hour week. I promise you, Phoenix, that I’m going to make Proposition Sixty-Six a reality. Not because I want to or not because lobbyists want me to, but because you, the American people, deserve it. Thank you.”
The entire crowd erupted into cheers as the man waved and then made his way off the stage.
“Sounds like typical political bullshit to me.” Todd shrugged and took another puff of his joint. “You wanna know the real reason this shit is illegal?”
“Please enlighten me, Todd,” I chuckled.
“It’s because--”
“I know that guy!” Libidine exclaimed and then rushed out of the room.
Todd and I looked at each other in confusion.
A second later, the curvy succubus ran back into the room in a huff. In her hand was the ancient Vatican text we had swiped from the Chapel of the Trinity, the book that gave us the names of the demons hiding here on Earth. Liby threw open the volume to the list of names and slapped her finger down onto the page.
“Marvin Franklin,” she hissed. “Confirmed demon.”
“That dude looks like he’s only in his thirties, tops,” I questioned. “How has nobody noticed that he hasn’t aged since the eighties?”
“Perhaps he wasn’t in the public sphere back then?” Sia suggested.
“That could easily be it,” Oliver added. “I’ve been on this earth for centuries, yet I’m not familiar with Franklin whatsoever.”
“What about Forneus?” Libidine asked. “Does that name ring a bell?”
“Oh, oh!” Todd raised his hand and jumped up and down. “I know this one! He’s the demon that’s all great at making speeches and getting people to like him.”
“That would make him the perfect politician,” I agreed “but why is he coming out of the woodwork now?”
“Probably something to do with that Proposition Sixty-Six,” Cupiditas explained. “He mentioned that it did something with land, but I have no clue what that has to do with
anything.”
“It looks like it’s some sort of legislation,” Jane said as she tapped away at her cell phone. “But I can’t make heads or tails of it. Too much political and legal jargon.”
Sia perked up at the brunette’s words. “Did someone say legal jargon?” she grinned. “Would you like me to take a peek at the legislation? I’m sure it’s available online somewhere.”
“If you’re really that brave,” I chuckled.
“It would be my pleasure.” Sia’s smile was now ear to ear.
“In the meantime,” I turned to the rest of my friends. “We need to get up close and personal with Representative Franklin.”
“What are you suggesting, Jacob?” Oliver asked coyly.
“I’m glad you asked.” I smirked. “Forneus is here in Phoenix right now, and Robert Quinn’s only been dead for a month or so.”
“I think I see where you’re going with this,” Todd chuckled. “You want me to lure him over here so that we can kick his ass?”
“Not quite, but you’re on the right track,” I reassured the imp. “I’m thinking we should have ‘Robert Quinn’ throw him a fancy fundraiser here at his mansion.”
“Does that mean we get to dress up in fancy clothes?” Libidine couldn’t contain her excitement.
“And eat fancy food?” Cupi added.
“Yes and yes.” I smiled at both the succubi.
“Do I get to drop that fancy chandelier on his head?” Todd asked excitedly. “I could go all invisible and shit. He would never see it coming!”
“Negative,” I frowned. “We just need to get him here so that we can figure out his plan, not kill him.”
“Awwww.” Todd hung his head and moped.
“Don’t worry,” Sia said as she patted the imp on his head. “That part will come in due time.”
“Jane, Oliver,” I addressed the cultists, “Go round up everyone we have within a twenty-mile radius.”
“Right away, Jacob.” Oliver bowed and then turned to walk toward the exit.
“What should we tell them all, ‘master?’” Jane asked with a knowing wink.
“Haha.” I rolled my eyes at the brunette. “Tell them that we need caterers. And possibly back up.”