by Eric Vall
My annoyance began to wane as I turned back to the redhead.
“You have?” I muttered in disbelief.
“Of course.” Sia giggled. “We all do it so that we can research better ways to please you.”
“Research?” I asked as I raised my eyebrow and glanced at the three beautiful women. “But you are succubi. Don’t you already know--”
“It never hurts to see what the latest trends are,” Libby said. “It’s good for fashion and sexual positions. The three of us will see what is getting the most views on the sites, and then we’ll discuss how we can incorporate the positions or fetishes into our lovemaking with you.”
“Seriously?” I laughed, and the three women smiled. “That’s, uhhh, kinda nice that you are thinking about me--”
“Of course it is,” Cupi laughed. “Everything we do is for you, Jacob. You are our master and our love. But what about you?”
“What about me?” I asked.
“Are you trying to tell us that you’ve never used your phone for porn?” the blonde grinned.
“What I do with my own phone is my business.” I winked at the fit succubus.
“I can safely say that I’ve never used your phone for sinful reasons,” a soft-yet-booming voice came from behind. “It’s things like this that make me thankful I have not given in to modern technology.”
The five of us whipped around and saw Raphael standing in the doorway. Beside him stood another tall man with long, blond locks that were tied back into an intricate hairstyle behind his head. Across his broad shoulders was a bright red cloak that hung down to his knees and clasped at the neck with a golden square. Beneath it all, he wore a basic, pristine white robe and gladiator sandals.
“Raphael.” Cupi nodded hesitantly.
“Hello Cupiditas,” Raphael returned and then extended the greeting around the room. “Superbia. Libidine. Jacob.”
“And me!” Todd jumped up and down to draw the Archangel’s attention. “Don’t forget your favorite imp!”
Raphael looked down his nose at Todd. “You are the only imp I know, so I suppose that is true,” he conceded and then motioned to his friend. “This is Uriel. He has been assigned as my partner on this mission.”
“Partner, eh?” Todd giggled. “Two pretty boys sent on a mission all by their lonesome? I know what that’s code for.”
“I don’t follow.” Raphael sounded confused.
“Let me spell this out for you,” Todd offered.
The imp held up both of his hands in front of his face and made two fists. He extended the index finger of each hand and then started to bump his fingertips together while giving the Archangels a mischievous look.
“Is he always this annoying?” Uriel rolled his eyes. The second Archangel’s voice came out much softer and at a higher pitch than his friend’s, and it sent Todd into a fit of laughter.
“Only on good days,” Raphael chuckled, “but we need to get down to business. Uriel, meet Jacob Ralston and his succubi.”
“We have names, you know,” Cupi snarked and crossed her arms. “I may have switched sides, but I’m still a divine being.”
“Where are my manners?” Uriel mused, grabbed Cupi’s hand, and kissed it delicately. “It’s nice to see you again, En--”
Cupi slapped her free hand over the Archangel’s mouth.
“Don’t you dare,” the succubus warned through gritted teeth.
Uriel put his hands up in submission and backed away. “Fine,” he mused with a cocky smile. “It’s nice to see you again, ‘Cupi.’”
“I feel like there’s a lot more to this,” Todd said as he tapped his finger on his chin, “but I also have the sneaking suspicion that it’ll be one of those ‘story for another time’ kinda shticks.”
“As much as I’d enjoy continuing these pleasantries,” Raphael said as he took over the conversation, “I’m here to talk to you about the Porta ad Inferos and Azazel’s master plan.”
“So you did understand what I was saying on the phone,” I accused the man in the robe.
“No, Jacob,” he said with a chuckle as he reached beneath the flap of his robe.
“He’s packin’ heat!” Todd screamed and ducked for cover. “I knew one of these days I was gonna push him too far!”
The Archangel rolled his eyes at the imp’s words and then brandished a hand-sized plastic device about half the size of a shoe box. Upon closer inspection, I saw that there was a thick black antenna sticking out of the top, as well as a tiny LED display and some numeric buttons.
It was a fucking brick phone.
“Impressive, isn’t it?” Raphael said with a proud smile. “The only downside is that it gets awful reception, so I have no idea what you were saying over the phone. Something about babies? Anyways, I have some urgent news for you all: Your Sister Ira has taken control of the Porta ad Inferos, and she’s going to use it to resurrect Azazel.”
“Bro, where have you been?” Todd questioned. “We already knew all that shit like four hours ago.”
“Todd!” I shushed the imp and then returned my focus to the Archangels. “You tell us what you know, and we’ll tell you what we know.”
“The Porta ad Inferos is a complex matter.” Raphael sighed. “For centuries it has resided on a small plot of farmland only an hour or two outside of your nation’s capital. Thankfully, it’s currently owned by a sweet old couple who couldn’t be more oblivious to the situation.”
“You say ‘currently’...” Liby trailed off.
“Some of the land’s previous owners were cursed with the knowledge of what lurked in their wilderness,” Uriel explained with narrowed eyes. “Some of them even tried to better themselves or profit off of their predicament, if you get what I’m saying.”
“Step right up, boys and girls,” Todd said as he did his best ringmaster impression. “Come see the Portal to Hell! Hours and hours of demon-infested fun for the entire family!”
“Not exactly,” Uriel chuckled, “but you’re close.”
“What happened to those people?” Cupiditas asked with bated breath.
“Divine intervention,” Raphael retorted and then nodded grimly. “The Divine have been tasked with keeping this land out of the hands of the Demonic, no matter the cost.”
“So you killed them?” I could feel the anger building in the pit of my stomach as I asked the question.
“Of course not,” Raphael shot back. “We’re not monsters. That’s what separates us from the Demonic.”
“Ha,” Cupi snorted, “okay.”
The Archangel completely ignored the succubus’ snide comment and continued.
“Arrangements were made,” he explained. “Sometimes it was as simple as appointing Watchers on the outskirts of the property. Other times, it involved sending representatives down to Earth Realm to negotiate with the U.S. Government to keep the land from changing hands or going public.”
“Why does that matter?” I questioned the dark-haired angel. “Can’t you simply cast a massive protective spell over the whole property and call it a day?”
“I wish it were that simple,” Uriel shook his head. “How familiar are you with Biblical Law?”
“Not very.” I shrugged.
“Are you at least familiar with some of the more popular verses?” the blond asked. “Particularly the one about giving unto Ceasar what is Ceasar’s? The Exalted One is all about teaching lessons in mysterious ways and fighting for the common man.”
“So what?” I tried to wrap my head around what the Archangel was saying. “Do Divine powers not work on public lands?”
“Community and brotherhood are very important to the Exalted One,” Uriel continued. “We cannot forbid access to that which is used for such purposes, such as what is intended to become of the land around the Porta ad Inferos.”
“What the fuck kind of rule is that?” I groaned.
“We don’t make the rules, Jacob.” Raphael shook his head. “We’re only here to explain and foll
ow them.”
“It’s still bullshit,” I grumbled. “Why can’t you just cut another deal with the government?”
“It’s too late.” The Archangel sighed. “We miscalculated our enemies. For centuries, it was forbidden to use mind-control powers on government officials, for both Angel and Demon alike.”
“Shit woulda gotten done a lot quicker, that’s for sure.” Todd giggled.
“Precisely why it was forbidden by the Accords,” Raphael confirmed. “We didn’t figure a succubus would be so brash.”
“But now that Azazel has gone and broken the Accords, all bets are off?” Libidine questioned.
Uriel and Raphael slowly nodded in unison.
“Now,” Uriel implored, “tell us what you all know.”
I spent the next few minutes telling Raphael and Uriel all about our recent adventures with the hellhound, Sister Ira, and the ugly demon. I also told them about the incident at the Lincoln Memorial and Forneus’ use of mind control in Congress.
Both of the angels nodded curiously as we caught them up to speed.
“Are you sure it’s Forneus?” Uriel sounded skeptical. “Marvin Franklin, his alter ego, hasn’t been seen since the mid-nineties.”
“It’s a dude named Marvin Franklin,” I explained, “who’s claiming to be married to one of Azazel’s succubi and is using his influence in Congress to help the Seventy-Two Servants bring back one of their masters. Who else could it be?”
“It’s just curious, that’s all.” Uriel shrugged. “I want to be prepared for whatever we’re getting into.”
“What’s there to prepare for, Urinal?” Todd asked. “We just go to this portal, kick Forneus’ ass before he can do anything, and the world is saved once again.”
“It’s going to be much harder than that,” Raphael answered as he shook his head. “I’m certain Marvin Franklin and Sister Ira aren’t working alone. If Azazel is behind all of this, and he truly intends for this to be his revival, then there’s no telling how many other demons we’ll have to go through.”
“Then why don’t we cut off the head of the beast directly?” Sia suggested. “Why not kill Forneus before he has a chance to take this plot any further?”
Raphael rubbed the scruff on his chin. “That’s not a bad idea, Superbia.”
“His address is public knowledge,” I continued. “We could go pay the fucker a visit right in his own home. Maybe catch him by surprise?”
“I doubt there would be any other demons there,” Cupi added. “It would look suspicious if Franklin suddenly had a gathering of dozens of well-known public figures at his house.”
“That brings us to the first issue,” Uriel mused. “How would we get in and out without attracting attention to ourselves?”
“Also, how would we possibly take out a Senator without somebody noticing?” Raphael pondered.
“You Divine are such goodie-two-shoes,” Todd scoffed. “Making somebody big and powerful disappear is easy. We can take some risque pictures of Strawberry Shortcake over there and plant them all around his house. He goes missing, the police show up to investigate, find the photos, and bam! Instant scandal where everybody just assumes he fled to Mexico.”
“That’s-- That’s actually not a bad idea,” Uriel admitted. “I’m impressed.”
“Why does everybody say that when I come up with a good idea?” Todd wondered aloud.
“It would make sense for the four of us to show up at his home.” I pointed to the succubi as I continued to flesh out the plan. “We helped throw him a fundraiser, after all.”
“Surely he was the one who ordered the demon and the Hellhound to attack you?” Raphael retorted. “Why would he ever let the three of you into his home?”
“He doesn’t have to.” I grinned. “Todd, show them what you got.”
The imp giggled, snapped his fingers, and then turned invisible.
“Todd can sneak in and then unlock the doors from the inside!” Libidine exclaimed. “Jacob, that’s genius!”
“Exactly,” I confirmed. “He lets us into the house all inconspicuous, we catch Franklin by surprise--”
“And then we end his sorry existence.” Cupi was now grinning from ear to ear.
“What about Sister Ira?” Uriel asked calmly.
“What about her?” Sia shrugged. “She may be pretending to be his wife, but she has no feelings for the demon. It’s highly doubtful she would live in his dwelling. In fact, she’s probably making her final preparations for the assault on the Porta ad Inferos.”
“This is a crazy idea, but it just might work,” Raphael pondered. It finally looked like the Archangel was coming over to our side. “So, what is our role in this plan?”
“You two are both Watchers, right?” I asked.
“Correct.” Uriel nodded.
“It might raise some eyebrows to have two random six-foot-tall, hippie-looking dudes be seen going into the place,” I explained. “No offense.”
“None taken,” Raphael said with a wave of his hand.
“Seriously,” Todd added, “you guys look like you stepped straight out of Woodstock. Kinda smell like it, too.”
“Now that was offensive.” The Archangel’s eyes narrowed at the imp.
Todd slapped Raphael’s leg playfully as he giggled. “You know you love me, Raphey-boy.”
“You two can act as our backup,” I continued to address the angels. “If Forneus really is alone, then we should be able to handle him. Now, if shit really goes down, then we’re gonna need all the help we can possibly get.”
“So, just to clarify,” Sia started, “we’re going to go to Marvin Franklin’s house, kill him, and then frame him using risque pictures of me?”
“That’s the plan.” I nodded. “Any more questions, concerns, or comments?”
“Just one.” The redhead smirked. “I want to choose what I get to wear in the pictures.”
“That’s what I like to hear.” I winked at the madame and then turned back to address the group.
“Alright, guys, it’s time to go slay a demon.”
Chapter 14
As Shadow rolled into the driveway of Marvin Franklin’s mansion, the five of us sat in awe. Intricate, moss-covered rockwork lined the winding driveway leading up to the luxurious house. It stood three stories tall, and I could barely make out the cobblestone-like architecture through the dozens of trees that surrounded the dwelling.
“So that’s what six million dollars looks like, huh?” Todd whistled beside me. We should snag it for ourselves after we kill him.”
“If we’re framing him, how is that gonna work?” Libidine asked from the backseat.
“Simple!” The imp giggled and then turned his arm into a human one. “Remember these puppies? Once I get a better hold on my transforming powers, I can pretend to be Franklin himself!”
“And you’d get arrested the second you walked back into the active crime scene,” I pointed out.
“Then why do we need to frame him at all?” Todd shrugged. “Can’t we just kill the fucker, and then have me record some sorta voice message saying I resign from Congress?”
“What about all his contacts?” I grilled the imp on his audible to our play. “Franklin is a rich and powerful guy. People will start to find it suspicious if he’s still around but isn’t talking to them.”
“Why not meet halfway?” Sia suggested. “Instead of going for the criminal route, could we use Cupiditas or Libidine as our model instead?”
“That way it looks like Franklin is having a regular ol’ affair, rather than an illegal one!” Cupiditas spoke up.
“Bingo.” Todd chuckled. “Then he ‘resigns’ in disgrace and becomes a recluse in his six-million-dollar mansion. The poor guy.”
“Did we just completely audible out of our original play?” I couldn’t believe it.
“We sure did, Jakey-boy!” Todd giggled. “Seconds before we actually went through with it, too.”
“Should we tell Raphael and
Uriel?” I asked. “They should probably--”
“C’est la vie, bro.” Todd shook his head. “C’est la vie. Now, are we ready to kick some demon ass?”
“I only hope we’re far enough away to have enough cover,” I said as I killed the vehicle’s engine.
It was just turning into dusk, and I had made sure to cut the headlights seconds before we turned into Franklin’s property. Thankfully, our vehicle was still fairly new, and she purred softly like a kitten. Had we tried this with Lola, we would have been spotted two miles down the road. Shadow was built for stealth, and she was coming through in spades right now.
I studied the mansion to see if there was any sort of obvious entry point for Todd to sneak in. A few lights were on in the main floor of the mansion, and there was also one on in the middle of the second story.
“There!” I exclaimed and pointed to the second story. “That window is open.”
“Say no more, Jakey.” Todd nodded and then turned invisible.
“Just be careful not to get caught,” I warned him one final time. “The last thing we want to do is go in there guns blazing if we don’t have to. Remember our signal?”
“Of course.” Todd laughed. “Aunt Jemima’s getting hot tonight.”
“That’s not--” I started to protest, but the imp was already opening the door.
“I am the night!” Todd said in a raspy voice, and then the door closed gently behind him.
“Good luck, Todd,” Liby whispered under her breath.
As I turned back to the mansion to keep watch, I could see the silhouette of a man and a woman appear through one of the first story windows.
“Oh shit,” I growled into the communicator. “Todd, I think Ira’s in there, too. Be extra careful.”
“Proceeding with caution, Thunder Down Under,” the imp’s voice confirmed.
“Is that my code name?” I chuckled. “I actually kinda like it.”
“Yep,” Todd huffed through the other line. “Cupi’s Crossfit, Liby’s Bodacious Beauty, and Sia’s China Doll. You can call me Schlongmeister.”
“I’m not calling you that,” I tried to muffle my laughter.
“You just did, bro. You just did.” Todd replied. “Schlongmeister out.”