by Eric Vall
“That’s it!” I exclaimed.
I had an idea, but it was risky. It would require me to split my focus and take up damn near all my power, but it would pay off in spades if it worked. I had to try.
I called forth a purple flame into my left hand and then made it spread across my entire body. The last thing I saw before I closed my eyes was a violet glow as it passed in front of my irises, and then there was darkness.
As I tried to conjure up deep feelings of envy and disgust, a rain of Hellfire impacted against my body. The attacks caused me to stumble and nearly lose my focus, but there was far too much at stake here.
If this didn’t work, I’d be little more than a splatter of blood and guts in the middle of the forest.
I didn’t really give a shit if I died. I’d done more in the last few months than any mortal in the history of the universe. I’d killed dozens of demons, saved the world twice, and had a fucking blast doing it.
But I had to keep going for my friends.
Who would take care of the succubi? Who would keep Todd in check? Most importantly, who would protect them from Azazel’s wrath?
The fucker was already bitter about his defeat at my hands. He’d do terrible things to my friends before helping Lucifer achieve victory over the Divine. He’d enslave the human race, and innocent people like my parents would be tortured by his minions… or worse.
At this point, the spells were pelting me like rubber bullets blasted out of a machine gun. They couldn’t break through my protective barrier, but I could still feel their impact.
They fucking hurt.
But more than that?
They pissed me off.
Why?
Because the idea that I’d go down to something like this when it really mattered, when everyone was truly counting on me was so disgusting, I couldn’t stand it.
My body grew warm and tingly as I held my ground. Suddenly, I felt myself grow weightless, as I had back in the Trinity Library. I wasn’t sure if it was the power of the disgust I felt toward Azazel, Furcas, and Ira, or if I was bleeding internally. Either way, my time to act was now.
I opened my eyes and saw that I was floating a few feet in the air, my body now surrounded by a brilliant color halfway between green and violet. I outstretched my hands toward the line of trees on my left and my right, and the large pines lit up with a jade glow. My whole body trembled as I pulled at their deep roots, but they were refusing to budge. I let out a scream of desperation as attacks continued to blast me from below.
I couldn’t hold both of my spells for much longer.
But I didn’t need to because I had a plan.
As I ripped dozens of the massive pines free from the ground, I couldn’t help but grin with satisfaction when I moved my hands toward each other, and the hundred-foot-tall bludgeoning weapons followed suit.
The massive, glowing logs smashed into the army of demons below, and I saw a few of the fuckers fly up into the sky like foul balls. As the helpless demons flailed in the air, Cupi and Sia made a strafing run and fried them to a crisp.
I slammed my hands downward, and the demon horde scattered under the awe-inspiring might of my tree clubs. A few of the unlucky fuckers couldn’t get out of the way in time, and their bodies exploded like gore-filled balloons under the weight of the trees. I used my telekinesis to turn the logs toward Furcas, but the demon simply scowled and raised his hand.
The demons instantly stopped attacking at their leader’s signal.
“Enough, Ralston!” he hissed and summoned a flaming red bow and arrow into his hand. “I’ve had just about enough of this. Azazel couldn’t kill you, but I sure as fuck can!”
Cupi, Liby, and Sia landed back beside me, and the three succubi took a fighting stance.
Furcas summoned his enchanted red pitchfork into his right hand, flipped it around like a baton, and readied the attack. Then, the massive demon let out an inhuman hiss of pain as his guts splattered onto the ground in front of him.
There was now a massive morning star protruding through the demon’s stomach from behind.
Furcas’ dark blood dripped from the tips of the spikes of the morning star as he gasped for breath and clutched at his intestines. He looked like he was trying to speak, but nothing was coming out.
Sister Ira stepped out from behind the demon and blew on her enchanted weapon like it was a gun.
“You know,” the Succubus of Wrath mused, “I was getting really tired of your shit, too. How’s that for a ‘lowly succubus?’ Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have official business to attend to. Try not to die too messily.”
Ira gave Furcas a playful kiss on the cheek and then pushed him away.
The remaining Seventy-Two Servants and the demon grunts watched in horror as their leader stumbled around like a chicken with his head cut off.
“Now’s your chance, Jacob!” Liby screamed. “Send him back to Hell!”
I nodded, raised two of the massive trees, and then clapped them together right on top of Furcas.
What looked like a geyser of demon blood sprayed into the air, accompanied by a wet crunching sound. The bloodied logs fell to the ground and revealed the mangled remains of Furcas. His lower body was mostly intact, but the demon’s entire torso and head were a mess of gore and protruding bones that spouted blood as they fell over.
“Oof.” Todd chuckled as Liby joined the crew. “I don’t remember this much blood in that space opera movie.”
“Quick, while they’re still distracted!” I commanded and unleashed a slew of Hellfire at the remaining army.
All four of my friends followed my lead and launched an assault onto the shocked crowd. We were able to thin their forces a little bit before they retaliated, but there were still way too many of the fuckers.
I tossed up a massive purple barrier around the group as the demon’s all-out assault resumed. If these assholes weren’t pissed off before, they definitely were now. They charged full-speed at our position and began to fan out. This was an attempted flank if I ever saw one.
“If they surround us, I don’t know how long I can keep this up,” I admitted. “This might be it, guys.”
“Then at least we’ll go down together,” Cupiditas spat.
Directly behind us, the forest began to rustle violently.
“Uh, I think they’re in the trees,” Todd said with horror in his voice. “The Toddster’s had a good run. I just pray for forgiveness for the things in that second bedroom.”
A gust of wind nearly knocked me on my ass as a handful of white streaks flashed over my head.
“Jacob, it’s the angels!” Libidine exclaimed.
Blasts of white light rained down on the army of demons from above, incinerating the fuckers like they were ants under a magnifying glass.
“Don’t forget about us,” Oliver’s voice called out. “We’ve got your back, Master!”
“Don’t call--” I almost corrected but then cut myself off.
Backup had finally arrived and saved our asses. I’d let him call me ‘Master’ this once.
“Where are the generals?” Jane questioned as she and Oliver appeared at my side. “Our forces can handle the grunts, but we need to take out the big dogs if we want to end this battle.”
“Furcas is already dead,” I confirmed. “I have no idea where the fuck Ira ran off to.”
“You killed Furcas?” Oliver sounded impressed. “No mortal has ever--”
“You should know by now that Jacob is much more than a mere mortal, Brother Oliver.” Jane clicked her tongue.
Suddenly, from off in the distance, there was a deep, guttural growl that shook the entire forest and caused everyone to stop fighting. Without warning, the head of a towering shadow rose up above the treeline and blocked out the rising sun. The figure had three massive canine heads attached to its mountain-like body, and it felt like there was a miniature earthquake with every step it took. Within seconds, the creature was on us.
Though they al
l shared the same body, each of the creature’s heads looked like it belonged to a different type of dog. The center appeared more like a Doberman, with pointy ears and an elongated snout. On the right was the head of a pit bull, and on the left was a rottweiler. All three of the creature’s heads had their own neck that intersected at the shoulders and wore a flaming purple collar.
“Yohoooo!” a voice called from above.
Atop the center head of the creature sat a slender, dark-haired figure.
Sister Ira.
“Meet Azazel’s newest creation, modeled after the guardian of the underworld himself,” Ira cackled. “I summoned him here while all of you idiots were busy killing each other. He’s such a good boy.”
“That’s right, sister,” Sia called up to the evil succubus. “He does his job diligently. He would never allow Azazel to return from the depths of Hell.”
“Bringing people out of Hell is like, the total opposite of what Senor Poochie here is supposed to do,” Todd observed.
“Very good, imp!” Ira giggled. “This isn’t Cerberus.”
Massive black bat wings sprouted from Ira’s back, and she laughed maniacally as she flew up and landed on the new beast’s head.
“Sister Ira is right,” Libidine observed. “Cerberus’ heads are in the opposite order, and this dog doesn’t have violet eyes!”
“She said it was her and Azazel’s ‘creation,’” Sia pondered. “They must have used Ira’s mirror powers to create a clone of the beast.”
“You were always so smart, Superbia,” Ira cooed from above, “It’s a shame you couldn’t figure it out sooner.”
Ira patted the Cerberus clone on the head tenderly, and the beast responded with a deep growl.
“Now, my pet,” the evil succubus sneered, “let’s bring back our master.”
Chapter 19
As I stared up at the evil succubus riding the massive dog creature, all I could do was laugh. Ira may have been evil, but she certainly was the master of clever, needlessly complex plans.
“So… can somebody recap for me?” Todd asked with a raised hand. “How does having a copy of a demon dog bring Azazel back to life?”
“Are you familiar with Newton’s Third Law?” Sia asked.
“That’s the kid with the robot dog, right?” Todd retorted.
“No, it’s-- Nevermind.” I sighed. “It’s the law of physics that claims that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.”
“Precisely,” The redhead nodded. “That’s how Ira’s mirror spells work.”
“But this time, it’s on a massive scale,” Cupi added.
“But how--” Todd began.
“If Cerberus was the guardian of Hell’s gates, the being that allowed souls to pass in and out of the underworld, then what would the job of his polar opposite be...?” I lead the imp like a teacher.
The lightbulb dinged on in Todd’s head. “To let people in and out of the underworld but from the inside!”
“But we’re not going to let it get to that,” I assured my friends. “It’s time to go Divine and blast a hole through this fucker’s chest.”
I searched deep down into my core and tried to summon up every emotion I could possibly think of. For a second, I swore I could feel the souls of my friends as my body was engulfed with a brilliant white light.
“So it is true…” Ira muttered. “No matter! You’ll need a lot more than your lame-o Divine powers to stop this puppy.”
Ira pointed in my direction, and the evil creature’s massive paw took a swipe at us.
I summoned a large green portal on the ground underneath my friends and me, and we were harmlessly transported behind the fucker as it took out a swath of forest.
“Take my energy, Jakey!” Todd exclaimed as he overdramatically pointed both his fingers in my direction.
“Brothers! Angels!” Oliver raised his hands over his head. “Send your magic to Jacob!”
I closed my eyes and tried to focus all the power that was now entering my system. The energy surged and pulsated in my body as it was being charged like a battery, prepared to deal the final blow. My eyes opened, and I saw that I was now fully encased in a blinding white light.
“Eieci te ad infernum unde venistis!” I commanded to the beast.
Ira catapulted herself to safety at the last second, but my attack was still true to its mark. Cerberus’s clone was surrounded by the angelic light of my curse, and the creature shone like the supernova of a star. Four silver, ectoplasmic ropes shot out of the ground, wrapped around the monster’s legs, and began to pull him downward.
The three-headed dog snarled as his two outer heads bit at the shimmering ropes. The creature’s body was forced into the dirt, but he remained determined to break his chains. The monster coiled up into a ball, shook his hind end, and then jumped into the air. His raw strength caused two of the magic ropes to snap, but they quickly regenerated and wrapped themselves back around Cerberus’ feet.
A swirling violet portal appeared in the sky above the dog and began to descend on the evil pooch. Try as he may to escape, the beast was trapped.
Victory seemed imminent.
“Foolish succubus!” one of the demons roared from the crowd. “Our entire plan has gone to shit because you couldn’t leave Ralston out of it!”
“I guess she just couldn’t resist the mortal’s dick!” another demon hissed. “Leave it to a succubus to think with her pussy and not her brain.”
“See, sister?” Libidine shook her head solemnly as she yelled at Ira. “These demons will never accept you for who you are. To them, you’ll always be a lowly succubus, inferior in every way.”
“You’ve set up one of the most elaborate plots I’ve ever seen, Ira,” Cupi added. “You were minutes away from success, and they still don’t appreciate everything you’ve done.”
“What would you have me do, sister?” Ira balked. “Join you? I’d rather join the dog in--”
Ira’s words were cut off by a strange sizzling sound. The succubus went silent, and then a wide grin spread across her face.
I looked over toward the commotion, and my mouth fell agape.
The massive portal, the one that was supposed to banish the creature back from Hell, was frozen in place. Sparks of violet shot off in every direction from the spell as it tried to descend, but it refused to budge.
“Nice try, Jacob,” Ira giggled, “but it looks like my creation is more powerful than we originally thought.”
“Why the fuck isn’t it working?” I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. “That’s ancient Vatican magic. It’s supposed to banish any demon back to Hell!”
“Sister Ira’s creation isn’t from Hell, Jacob,” Sia explained as her eyes lit up with understanding. “The spell cannot work on something that isn’t Demonic in the first place.”
“So you’re saying that Jakey’s spell is glitching out because it can’t identify Satanic Scooby-Doo’s genetic makeup?” Todd asked curiously.
“More or less.” The redhead sighed.
“Delicious,” Ira cackled from above, and then she darted over toward her pet on her bat-like wings. She glided down onto the nape of the Cerberus clone’s neck and then nestled herself into his fur playfully. The succubus cockily shook her shoulders and cleared her throat.
“Oh, Doggie!” she cooed. “Let’s have some fun, shall we?”
The evil succubus whistled, and the massive dog’s ears perked up. Ira gave another silent command to her creation as he pulled himself to his feet.
“Well, if Divine power won’t cut it… light them up!” I commanded my army.
Blasts of red, black, white, and yellow began to strike the titanic dog, but they did nothing but bounce off like raindrops on a windshield.
The Cerberus clone knelt down, shook his body, and then forced himself upward into the air. As he hit the height of his jump, the silver ropes snapped like an ectoplasmic rubber band and evaporated with a sizzle. All three of the dog’s hea
ds had a rabid look in their eyes as it turned to face us.
“Aw, fuck,” Oliver grumbled.
“The trees, Jakey!” Todd let out a shrill scream. “Use the trees again!”
I summoned emerald flames into my hands and stuck them out at the bloodied logs next to Furca’s crushed body. I raised the massive bludgeoning objects into the air and then flicked my hands to throw them at the Cerberus clone.
The two outer heads of the creature jerked to the side and caught the logs in their mouths. The clone then snarled, bit down, and snapped the huge trees in half as if they were twigs. He shook his head furiously as the giant chunks of log fell to the ground and turned the demons at his feet into a gory smear.
“Fucking mutt!” I heard one of the demon’s hiss. “You’re supposed to kill them, not us!”
“Is that so?” Ira laughed maniacally as the beast lowered its head so that she was just above the snarky demon.
“Are you threatening to turn traitor like the others?” the demon growled. “Typical succubus. Our loyalty is to Azazel, and we’ve gone through Hell and back to make his return possible.”
“I have gone through Hell and back to make our master’s return possible!” Ira screamed angrily. “This whole plan was my idea. I was the one who got ‘Marvin Franklin’ where he needed to be. I’m the one who got Proposition Sixty-Six passed. I’m the only one who has the power to clone the Guardian of the Gateway!”
She swept her gaze across all the bitching demons still alive and snarled. “And what thanks have I gotten? I’ve been called a traitor, a horny idiot, and an ‘inferior succubus.’ You Seventy-Two Servants are a bunch of ungrateful fuckers!”
“Know your place, you--” the demon began.
Before he could finish his sentence, one of the dog’s long-snouted heads snapped the demon up into his jaws. There was a horrified scream as the dog raised the fucker up into the air and shook him around, spraying blackish-red blood across the landscape. The Cerberus clone finally clenched his jaws together, and a grisly crunch rang out as the demon’s eyes rolled back in his head and his body went limp. The beast threw his head back, tossed the dead demon up into the air, and then swallowed him down his gullet in a single gulp.